Is it my Fault?
Hi all,
Hope you are doing well.
TRIGGER WARNING: Before anyone chooses to read this post, I would like to say that content and discussion is around SA.
I wanted to speak about the rape myths surrounding abuse for women. What society teaches can be that:
* The lady asked for it, look at what she is wearing - sexual availability is not reflected in clothing choices. It's not untrue that the lady can feel confident in what she is wearing.
*The lady was flirting so this is a clear invitation - Just because a lady pays a compliment and has a jokey, bubbly personality doesn't mean anything deeper under the surface.
*She did not say "no" so it's not abuse - Not all individuals will have the same reaction to abuse. Let's chat about the different automatic responses. There is Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn.
What if the lady has a neurodevelopmental condition? She is very likely conditioned by society and depending on her upbringing to "fit in." She may say yes through her verbal response but her body language says otherwise. This is a fawn response.
A freeze response is about being paralyzed by fear and uncomfortable situations. The body is in a heightened state of shock and the individual feels very much overwhelmed and stuck.
* The lady cannot get assaulted by her husband/partner: There is this notion that a lady has to meet her husband's sexual, physical needs just because she is his wife. A lady may conform because her husband may threaten infidelity or it is within the cultural notions or within her strict religious system.
* The lady went out late: The lady can be called characterless for staying out too late and as someone asking for trouble.
*How can she be abused if she doesn't remember it all accurately? For some people they cannot recall their abuse completely. This is not to be deceptive or manipulative - it is possible to develop amnesia. Sometimes as a way to protect the mind, certain information from the trauma is stored and locked away and maybe this is an indication for therapy such as EMDR.
I can appreciate there are too many stereotypes and myths surrounding abuse against males and open to posts on these two. This post is to chat about the female experience. All experiences will be different whether it be based on culture, gender, sexuality.
No, Survivors Of Abuse. It is not your fault!
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@GoldenRuleJG trigger warning, abuse ..um, ok so a husband/wife abuses you it's not ok. But what if you were a slave, so you had owners. That's different right? Cause they own you, so that's their right to choose what they do with you. It's a very confusing topic for me. I'm trying to process all of what happened, I have lots of questions I don't know the answers to.
@Tinywhisper11 I hear you, and I want you to know that what you've experienced is deeply traumatic and confusing. No one ever deserves to be treated as property or to endure any form of abuse, regardless of the circumstances. No living beings can be owned and nothing can justify the harm inflicted through such Horrible action of abuse.
Thank you for your feedback - yes that’s an important point to make. Each individual can process it differently and doesn’t make the experience any less - you are right. You’ll process within own time and when ready. Sometimes we aren’t ready to accept and that’s ok. There can be many underlying emotions. Take care and I’m glad you are here with us. ❤️
Abuse from anyone no matter whether there is a relationship or not isn’t right
@GoldenRuleJG oh
@GoldenRuleJG
what is the ultimate point of this post? Informing females of what they might have conditioned themselves to believe is ok?
if someone fell into the category or believed they had or continued to do so, then what?
Rich from me but surly there’s more nuance? Complexity and things to consider?
are relationships worth destroying over reading and relating?
I guess i know my relationship with him, he is not perfect and yes fits some of what you mentioned but then i am far from perfect also, so it’s confusing.
Men are different from women and , my head’s making this really complicated. I am sorry if I am being difficult, I want to understand it from every perspective.
What if there
It would be interesting to hear from the male perspective too so hopefully someone can do a post on that. I’m open to it 🤍I definitely don’t speak for all females. Yes definitely there would be nuance to each experience - I agree men and women aren’t the same. The point of this post - to make people self reflect like all the posts - I try to make that come through. We all to some extent are guilty of bias.
@GoldenRuleJG
im sorry @GoldenRuleJG , i know my ultimate issue is continuation of a relationship I know that’s not good for anyone involved. Unfortunately however if he recognises it he’s more inclined to continue than myself.
do we fight for the unknown painful as it may be, or hold onto what we know although far from perfect?
It hurts to acknowledge what has become acceptable or just tolerable even when technically wrong. I lashed out and again I’m sorry for doing so
I’m unsure of what to tell you. As both of you , ( I know generic answer) will have a better judgement of each other as you spent time together so have more scope of giving each other feedback and taking about insecurities or things that are unhelpful to you in due course.
If you are happy with each other I’m nobody to say whether you should stay or leave or convince you what to do.
Maybe helpful to think about what you would tell a friend if they spoke about arguement’s with their partner. Would you be completely on their side or give your observations of the helpful/unhelpful behaviours you both show towards one another?
I can definitely say this nobody will be perfect as we all have flaws but are we willing to work on them? Do we expect others to be perfect so we can be rescued or because we set such high standards for ourselves?
@GoldenRuleJG
My *** thought it was OKay because my bio parent traded me off. As an adult he messaged me few years back..he felt the same way 😆😆 and when I mentioned our ages because no stinking way I would do to my daughter what was done to me. He felt the same 0 remorse 0 accountability 🐡✨️✨️✨️✨️
I have a question
let say someone virginity was taken at a younger age by a relative and throughout their whole life it been just being use for sexual pleasure but that someone did not say no or do nothing. Let’s say that someone been told by their mother and other female to report something like sexual abuse if that someone is in the situation but that someone did not tell on anyone about it even when the mother ask them if I terrible person touch them. That someone become a victim right? But what happened if that someone develop something where they now engage with the abuser even though they don’t feel it’s right or comfortable… what happen if that someone became older as young adult and know what’s happening but still engage and end up with consequences mentally and physically (not getting beat up but sexually transmitted) . And have been ask once if the abuser is abusing them but they said it’s not truth because of shame of how their mom react. That someone became older to the point they go in and hospital or urgent care because their abuser gave them infection and didn’t want to speak and still engage with the abuser what happened if that someone is tired and tried and tried to break the abusive relationship but failed back to engaging their abuser. What what you guys call that? Is that someone went from victim to not victim or that someone experience so much trauma from their abuser that it automatically became permanent I. Their mind that’s their daily routine. How can this person speak up to their hardcore Christian parents on what happened without them getting angry and sending the person to youth retreat or be lecture by their pastor
@plumWater578 It is not uncommon for victims of abuse to have complicated feelings and responses to their abuser, even if they are aware that what is happening is not right or comfortable for them. It is important to approach this person with empathy and compassion, as they may be feeling a lot of shame, guilt, and confusion.
To open up is a very tough first step and when the time is right you’ll do it. You’ve done it here by sharing so thank you. When things are done at a young age they can become normalised to the point the person becomes numb to the pain.The fact that it’s someone genetically close there is the fear of not being believed potentially.
Wishing you well and I cannot imagine the hurt that’s been experienced.
