What is the role and responsibility of a good member?

Thanks for the post. like it. To behave in a good way that the member sees fit

@Fristo I agree with you Fristo. As a listener I would be more encouraged to provide support to members who are kind and grateful. Rude behaviour definitely is something we don't like and we don't feel like continuing the conversation.

@Fristo Interesting question!

Our mission tells us:

We do not tolerate people being mean, harmful, or rejecting of others.

And then it immediately contradicts itself by telling us:

We do not judge or look down on people.

It seems to me that there has to be a balance between these two contradictory positions.

When we focus on the first, and we are too intolerant of people we judge to be mean, harmful, or rejecting, then we allow 7 Cups to become like an exclusive social club or cult, and those people who most need our help get the least help. (For example, members with personality disorders or other conditions that make normal social interaction difficult.)

When we focus on the second, and we are too reluctant to make judgements, then we allow 7 Cups to become vulnerable to those people who could cause real harm to others. (For example, sexual predators, or listeners who are sure their advice can fix members' lives.)

The original question, "What is the role and responsibility of a good member?", is worded in a way that clearly implies there is such a person as a "good member" and that being good involves a "role and responsibility". There is bias built in to the question. The implication, I think, is that 7 Cups is like an exclusive social club or cult that imposes certain requirements, and that judges the goodness of its members.

Of course, I'm being unfair to our mission statement by quoting those two contradictory statements in isolation. Overall, our mission is very inclusive. There is no mention of role or responsibility. There is no concept of a good member:

Our goal is to build a support system, a web, that can hold every member of our world.

Charlie

@Fristo

@Fristo nice post, i agree that members have responsibilities on 7 Cups, and that makes for better conversations and chats!

@Fristo Making sure you do your best to follow the site guidelines and chatroom guidelines, and to report anyone who does not follow them.

@Fristo

I agree 100% that being on a member account is not a free pass to be rude and disrespectful. And definitely understand how listeners would be more wanting to offer support to a member who is respectful.

With that being said, many many listeners fail to professionally and properly do what they signed up for. I have personally be attacked, abused, harassed and manipulated by multiple listeners. The respect is a two-way-street. I also feel your post had an underlying “it’s your fault if you don’t get much support” tone to it. Which is hurtful because it can be extremely hard to find a listener who will actually respond and doesn’t ghost you, that you click with. I do not mean to sound argumentative and I truly hope it doesn’t come off this way. But on a member account, you are seeking support, often are feeling quite vulnerable and on edge, and your struggles can sometimes cause your behavior to be not as great as it typically could.

I believe the #1 job of a member is to respect everyone’s personal boundaries, aside from reaching out for support. I know, personally, I struggle with BPD and emotional regulation. Those are two things that can alter my behavior in less than ideal ways. I’ve been fortunate enough to find a couple amazing listeners who know how to de-escalate my meltdowns and handle my episodes without taking it personally. But the majority have not been able to, partially because they weren’t always understanding of what my struggles are. I frequently tend to “black out” in a sense and have bouts of inappropriate anger, which has caused me to lash out on my listeners. But I don’t think it’s fair to say that that is who I am and that should be the deciding factor in how much support I receive. You can ask any one of my listeners, I am sure they would all tell you I am very respectful of their boundaries. Which I think is the most important part of a member-listener relationship. My episodes and meltdowns and lack of emotional regulation skills is one of the main reasons I need support though. So while no, I absolutely do not justify a member being downright rude, unsupportive and disrespectful, I think it is important for everyone, members and listeners alike, to take the time to understand one’s situation before passing judgment.

I know I went on a bit of a tangent so I’m not sure how much sense that made, but hopefully it was somewhat understandable 😀

@Fristo

I completely agree Fristo. It really isn't hard to be kind and respectful. It reminds me of the Gold Rule!

@Fristo

ok so my point of view on what’s expected of a member…

At every point in your ability to do so respect, value and appreciate any input and all the people sacrificing their time in helping others or yourself.

do your upmost to treat all members and listeners how you would like to be treated. Speak up when something or someone violates rules or boundaries.

at the very least accept you won’t always agree or like everyone and everything, agree to disagree and if no mutual agreement on disagreement can be made, consider strongly if the conversation is worth the effort.

finally as unfortunately guilty of such, if you fall short and make mistakes for whatever reason apologies if given the chance.

@Fristo

I believe the problem is with the term "good" itself... in example; if one is not "good", then one must be "bad". The terms themselves are ingrained in many of us as tics on a scale of judgment. It has been my experience that when an individual feels they cannot achieve the desired measurement on the scale, they will often gravitate toward a less desirable point on said scale in order to develop a frame of reference from which they can measure their own success regardless of the consequences enacted upon themselves or others. Others still, will develop the mindset that if they cannot achieve success, they will simply give up on the effort of trying to reach something they feel is unattainable for themself... and much of the time it is this negative approach that is most rewarded with the desired outcome of attention given to those demanding it by way of disruptive, distracting, and destructive behaviors.

I, myself believe that one should approach others in a manner not unlike the manner in which they, themself wishes to be treated. That being said, I have been known to challenge others negatively as a means to draw attention away from those things that would be most revealing of my vulnerabilities and breach the walls of my comfort zone... simply put, I (not always intentionally, but much of the time only recognized in retrospect of my actions) have been know to manipulate situations by use of negative behavior in attempts to distract those present from realizations that I was not ready to face or expose myself. Often, these behaviors were only stymied when the behaviors themselves, coupled with the perceived intentions behind them, were pointed out to me by those in observance of said behaviors at the time those behaviors arose.

@SerenitysFire @colourfulLily @yourbuddy30 @RarelyCharlie @Clio9876 @cloudySummer @GoldenLight07 @Cancun @NewYorker11 @calmMango9611 @TayTayy @LovingPeacefulHeart @Perplexed1

I am grateful to all who shared their views so far and participated in the discussion💚 My motive was only and only to think and talk about how members could contribute towards a better community! What role and responsibility they can assume for themselves for 7cups to be a more productive place for everyone. But I also want to stress here that listeners assume a great great responsibility too, and it's very important they do not judge a member by their behavior of the moment and look to support if they feel comfortable supporting in a particular chat!

Thanks for being kind to me despite my imperfection with words; hoping that my intention behind the discussion was communicated💛