What is the role and responsibility of a good member?
A lot of talks happen about the role and responsibility of a good listener, and a lot of training, guides, and support is available at 7cups on how to be a good listener.
But I want to take a moment here, to discuss an equally important question! What is the role and responsibility of a good member?
Members come at 7cups to seek support, but there must also be some responsibility of the seekers too. One is not free to behave in any rash way just because they are on their member account. There is decency required on the member account too. Furthermore (and it's a fact), those members who behave in a kind and respectful manner to listeners get more support than the ones who are disrespectful and judgmental (the giver is more motivated to give when the seeker is kind and respectful.)
Please share your views about the role and responsibility of a good member, by replying to this thread!šš
Thanks for the post. like it. To behave in a good way that the member sees fit
@Fristo I agree with you Fristo. As a listener I would be more encouraged to provide support to members who are kind and grateful. Rude behaviour definitely is something we don't like and we don't feel like continuing the conversation.
@Fristo Interesting question!
Our mission tells us:
We do not tolerate people being mean, harmful, or rejecting of others.
And then it immediately contradicts itself by telling us:
We do not judge or look down on people.
It seems to me that there has to be a balance between these two contradictory positions.
When we focus on the first, and we are too intolerant of people we judge to be mean, harmful, or rejecting, then we allow 7 Cups to become like an exclusive social club or cult, and those people who most need our help get the least help. (For example, members with personality disorders or other conditions that make normal social interaction difficult.)
When we focus on the second, and we are too reluctant to make judgements, then we allow 7 Cups to become vulnerable to those people who could cause real harm to others. (For example, sexual predators, or listeners who are sure their advice can fix members' lives.)
The original question, "What is the role and responsibility of a good member?", is worded in a way that clearly implies there is such a person as a "good member" and that being good involves a "role and responsibility". There is bias built in to the question. The implication, I think, is that 7 Cups is like an exclusive social club or cult that imposes certain requirements, and that judges the goodness of its members.
Of course, I'm being unfair to our mission statement by quoting those two contradictory statements in isolation. Overall, our mission is very inclusive. There is no mention of role or responsibility. There is no concept of a good member:
Our goal is to build a support system, a web, that can hold every member of our world.
Charlie
@RarelyCharlie
Thanks for some thought provoking points. Those two statements do look a bit contradictory. Considering how to resolve this, I happened on something I was taught once-"with every right comes a responsibility". On this example we could say we have the right to be heard. And the right to not be judged. And the responsibility to not harm others. If I look at it this way, I wonder if they are not 2 contradicting statements, but two different things - a right and a responsibility.
I need to re-read the post and think about it some more, but my hunch is that the skill (challenge?) is in finding the balance between rights and responsibilities and to do that, an awareness of the responsibilities is needed. And so the question, what are our responsibilities? can be useful.
Furthermore, I think a person could define that balance for themself, and thus decide for themself what it is to be a "good" member. And then, no one can judge goodness (or not!), because no one knows where the balance point was set for that person.
I don't know if those statements were written in these terms, or if this is useful, but, it was an interesting thought process for me, so thanks.
@RarelyCharlie Thanks for writing so clearly what I was thinking, too.
Fristo's post didn't sound welcoming to people who already know that they are often not welcome.
@Fristo
@Fristo nice post, i agree that members have responsibilities on 7 Cups, and that makes for better conversations and chats!
@Fristo Making sure you do your best to follow the site guidelines and chatroom guidelines, and to report anyone who does not follow them.
@Fristo
I agree 100% that being on a member account is not a free pass to be rude and disrespectful. And definitely understand how listeners would be more wanting to offer support to a member who is respectful.
With that being said, many many listeners fail to professionally and properly do what they signed up for. I have personally be attacked, abused, harassed and manipulated by multiple listeners. The respect is a two-way-street. I also feel your post had an underlying āitās your fault if you donāt get much supportā tone to it. Which is hurtful because it can be extremely hard to find a listener who will actually respond and doesnāt ghost you, that you click with. I do not mean to sound argumentative and I truly hope it doesnāt come off this way. But on a member account, you are seeking support, often are feeling quite vulnerable and on edge, and your struggles can sometimes cause your behavior to be not as great as it typically could.
I believe the #1 job of a member is to respect everyoneās personal boundaries, aside from reaching out for support. I know, personally, I struggle with BPD and emotional regulation. Those are two things that can alter my behavior in less than ideal ways. Iāve been fortunate enough to find a couple amazing listeners who know how to de-escalate my meltdowns and handle my episodes without taking it personally. But the majority have not been able to, partially because they werenāt always understanding of what my struggles are. I frequently tend to āblack outā in a sense and have bouts of inappropriate anger, which has caused me to lash out on my listeners. But I donāt think itās fair to say that that is who I am and that should be the deciding factor in how much support I receive. You can ask any one of my listeners, I am sure they would all tell you I am very respectful of their boundaries. Which I think is the most important part of a member-listener relationship. My episodes and meltdowns and lack of emotional regulation skills is one of the main reasons I need support though. So while no, I absolutely do not justify a member being downright rude, unsupportive and disrespectful, I think it is important for everyone, members and listeners alike, to take the time to understand oneās situation before passing judgment.
I know I went on a bit of a tangent so Iām not sure how much sense that made, but hopefully it was somewhat understandable š
@TayTayy You perfectly expressed it, tay! It makes total senseš Both listeners and members have some role and responsibility, and the member-listener connection is like a clap, needs one hand of either party for the sweet sound to take place!
It's also important to remember that, at times, despite having the best of intentions, we lose our balance and behave in a way we would not have otherwise. So forgiveness and patience are very important qualities, I feel, in an understanding and healthy member-listener connection.
@Fristo
I completely agree Fristo. It really isn't hard to be kind and respectful. It reminds me of the Gold Rule!
@Fristo
ok so my point of view on whatās expected of a memberā¦
At every point in your ability to do so respect, value and appreciate any input and all the people sacrificing their time in helping others or yourself.
do your upmost to treat all members and listeners how you would like to be treated. Speak up when something or someone violates rules or boundaries.
at the very least accept you wonāt always agree or like everyone and everything, agree to disagree and if no mutual agreement on disagreement can be made, consider strongly if the conversation is worth the effort.
finally as unfortunately guilty of such, if you fall short and make mistakes for whatever reason apologies if given the chance.
@Fristo
I believe the problem is with the term "good" itself... in example; if one is not "good", then one must be "bad". The terms themselves are ingrained in many of us as tics on a scale of judgment. It has been my experience that when an individual feels they cannot achieve the desired measurement on the scale, they will often gravitate toward a less desirable point on said scale in order to develop a frame of reference from which they can measure their own success regardless of the consequences enacted upon themselves or others. Others still, will develop the mindset that if they cannot achieve success, they will simply give up on the effort of trying to reach something they feel is unattainable for themself... and much of the time it is this negative approach that is most rewarded with the desired outcome of attention given to those demanding it by way of disruptive, distracting, and destructive behaviors.
I, myself believe that one should approach others in a manner not unlike the manner in which they, themself wishes to be treated. That being said, I have been known to challenge others negatively as a means to draw attention away from those things that would be most revealing of my vulnerabilities and breach the walls of my comfort zone... simply put, I (not always intentionally, but much of the time only recognized in retrospect of my actions) have been know to manipulate situations by use of negative behavior in attempts to distract those present from realizations that I was not ready to face or expose myself. Often, these behaviors were only stymied when the behaviors themselves, coupled with the perceived intentions behind them, were pointed out to me by those in observance of said behaviors at the time those behaviors arose.
@SerenitysFire I like to think of it like that it's never the persons who are 'good' or 'bad', but yes behaviors could be good or bad! Guess that behavior that brings people together and inspires harmony could be thought of as good -because ultimately a peaceful co-existence is all the human world wantsš
@SerenitysFire Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
You raised some very interesting points.
Some points that I have not thought of before.
Thanks for teaching me some new things.
I love being here at 7cups, because I learn new things.
I meet so many new people here as well.
@SerenitysFire @colourfulLily @yourbuddy30 @RarelyCharlie @Clio9876 @cloudySummer @GoldenLight07 @Cancun @NewYorker11 @calmMango9611 @TayTayy @LovingPeacefulHeart @Perplexed1
I am grateful to all who shared their views so far and participated in the discussionš My motive was only and only to think and talk about how members could contribute towards a better community! What role and responsibility they can assume for themselves for 7cups to be a more productive place for everyone. But I also want to stress here that listeners assume a great great responsibility too, and it's very important they do not judge a member by their behavior of the moment and look to support if they feel comfortable supporting in a particular chat!
Thanks for being kind to me despite my imperfection with words; hoping that my intention behind the discussion was communicatedš
@Fristo I understood what you were saying. :)
@Fristo I understood what you was saying.
No worries.
@Fristo thanks for the discussion.. I was thinking of how to approach some issues, only very small and mostly in my silly head.. new on here and done nothing but try to be supportive and listen / offer situational examples personally encountered.. I love this site and even told my little LinkedIn, and country remote area world all about it.. This very much not something I openly talk about, they know I have physical and mental health issues from accident and whatnot..
i think being a good member is doing things to help, with good intentions..
saldy from my experience briefly it may be, these can be sometimes looked at as breaking the rules, or not following things exactly as needed.. e.g. yesterday a young person clearly having a breakdown in one of the rooms, directed to go elsewhere and all the things (needed, yep but also.. directed a little better with reasons why, helped de-escalate the situation) available.. crisis care one on one etc..given the rules posted over and over.. with same result..
yet by me trying to tell them WHY this is the rules, yet kept.. being posted and making out as if I was the ābadā one like this person. For trying to help..
they wanted help, at that time who was unable to process ādont say that here, not the right placeā.. and again., I get it.. why things have to be done certain ways.. loads of people here.. then started new mod and only focus oh with the no questions, regardless of actually fixing the situation.. giving up my go to allow for them to vent more needed at that time.. maybe some room for leaway for new people a bit more..
that I get but sometimes, you know what. If a quick question, how can I help you right now.. and they are clearly wanting to talk about something, a little help could and did help.. several people in that group I hope and felt was a overall positive experience from what I saw..
I love the mods, listeners and members, (even the ones who try to take digs at me, posting over and over at that kid in need, or comments about a dog pic and how that cats are better.. hay I love both, cats and dogs, with all animals help where I can.. this is just a screen name, lol) please donāt take this as anything done wrong, just I and that person felt very harshly seen as bad for not doing one thing..
so I think being a āgood or bad memberā dependent upon peoples at that time moods, environment and especially of all interacting, on that group or whatnot..
the most important being patients and explanation.. I felt heart broken that the only thing focused on was I asked them if they were alright and understood why we couldnāt talk here in that room etc.. I wasnāt trying to interject and have had suicide hotline hang up years ago for not following the rules.. so like some said above.. the place here great people I truly believe are trying, and sometimes the ārulesā not always the most important thing.. or is that totally out of line to say?
Not saying anything bad about those who answered and reacted to this person in need.. it was hard to sit back when they (like myself in the past) just needed guidance and explanation on why not to do things, or how to etc.. not just the rules are this and thatās is.. my 2 cents worth.. sorry.. š¾āļøšš¶šš¦šŗš¦š š¤ š±šØš¤·š¼āāļø
@Dogsaregreat44 I am glad you love this site and look to support where you canš It's okay for members to support one another in forums and chatrooms unless it is a light-hearted chatroom or a session is going on or if it's a crisis situation for which 7cups is not equipped to help and so we refer them to 7cups.com/crisis š
I think you did a great job presenting your objective in this postā¦ I enjoyed this discussion and felt is was both thought provoking and necessary. Thank you presenting us with this post.