Loneliness and conversations with the wrong people
When you don't have much going for you in life, and your lonely all the time, you get kinda desperate. That is what happens to me and often times I find myself talking to whoever will talk back to me, and often times those are not good conversations.
As I write this, I'm also thinking about those busy people that have too many people to talk to. They don't have time to answer all of their emails. It is hard for me to wrap my brain around it. Often times I feel like a loser. Because society doesn't pay attention to me because I'm not dong enough. I don't have a bunch of talents. And I'm not that interested in the things I'm interested in. When you got almost no people in your life, then what is the point of having interests that you can't share with anyone.
Human connection is an innate human need. I've been desperate before. I know that feeling well.
Society has a tendency, on the whole, to pay attention to certain things more than others. However, if you examine on the individual level and ask individuals what they pay attention to the most and approach that with curiosity, you might find some surprises.
Interests are meant to feed the mind, body, and soul intellectually, spiritually, and physically. They're meant for you and your sustenance. We will have interests that we share with others in mutual interest, and then, other times, like my extremely niche interest in video game lore, I might not share with others. Sometimes, what feeds us feeds no one else; shall we then abandon it because it doesn't feed another the same way it feeds us? Our interests feed us as individuals. We then, as filled individuals, can meet other filled individuals in connection.
Also, the world is large, but also very small. Someone somewhere is also interested in the things you are, they just might not be in your immediate vicinity. There are a limited array of things to be interested, though that number is a large number, it's still limited. The human race shares 99.9% of DNA with one another; Someone somewhere is also interested in what you're interested in. And sometimes, sharing what you're interested in can pique someone else's interest. That happened for me when my pastor kept talking about studying Koine Greek - I ended up taking a course in it.
"Because society doesn't pay attention to me because I'm not doing enough." Doing enough of what, exactly? Acquiring capital and assets? Financial gain? Having some sort of stardom? Jesus had somewhat to say about people doing things to be seen. "Be not like the Pharisees, who pray in the streets to be seen of men." Paraphrasing. But doing what? What does "enough" mean? And what "doing" are we talking about? I think one "does" quite a bit by existing in the first place.
That's not to invalidate your feeling of wanting to be valued, seen, and appreciated. It's a lonely place to be. I've thought this way before, too, and it hurts to be there.
Does it sound fun to not have time for human connection? Does it sound fulfilling to not be so busy one can't answer personal correspondence? To not have time to answer the phone for a friend who wants to talk? I want to understand a bit more about your thoughts and feelings about that.
@OhLookItsRay What you wrote me is interesting and very thoughtful. It made me think a while. My response is simple. I think we need balance. I hurt because my life is out of balance. It is like the difference between eating unbalanced meal verses a balanced meal. In on type of meal, you don't get what your body needs so you feel bad.
I can relate to being out of balance. Being out of balance is hurtful and hard.
@tryingtosurvive2024 I often have felt this way throughout my life. I think it has been due to my attachement style.. I don’t trust people and have hard time creating lasting connections… I often get sad that my phone is so quiet.. it can be so so so painful at times.. I struggle talking with people when out and about and often just put earphones in and create my own bubble.. so I honestly can relate.. I have been working on changing how I percieve others (i.e. Trusting more, benefit of the doubt) and working hard to be more comfortable with talking with people out and about (its a muscle that needs to be trained so frequent practice is needed, but some days it is easier than others to leave the safety of the house) and I find that these things make it easier.. Maybe not every person I will encounter will become my now best friend but the more chances I have at this - the more likely a lasting bond will be made!! You don’t need to be interesting to make friends - hey I am a single mum 😂🙌🏻 and my life revolves around my kid!! It’s almost a personality at this point!! What matters is if you can be a good friend, a good person to those you encounter. Sending you a hug!! 🙏🏻❤️
@ImALittleStuckInPast23 Thank you for the comment and especially the hug! I don't think you completely understood what the heart of my writing is. I'm lonely and I've tried to reach out to people. But it is usually the bad people. The kind that either doesn't share my morals, or the kind that will hurt me later. They are the ones that respond mostly. Once they go away, which is fairly quickly, I'm back to square one. Lately even many of those people don't respond.
@tryingtosurvive2024 Oh I’m sorry.. do you think you are drawn to bad people or some types of people in general? And why do you say they are bad at that - may I inquire?
@ImALittleStuckInPast23 I think everyone has their own standards. I don't think I have ever set my standards too high. Just as an example: people who think it is ok to have sex without getting married first, my standards might be too high. I'm a Christian, and the Bible has a framework of morals that a believer tries to live within. A Christian can become friends with people who are not in that framework, but those friendships will never be deep, because the both of you know that there are disagreements within the friendship.
Over my 45 years of life, I have been in secular places, both online and offline. I've been in Church both online and offline. What I find is that people who don't share my same morals are the ones that tend to communicate with me the most! Those friendships don't last long. Usually those people just disappear. I didn't say or do anything to make it happen. They just do.
As far as my fellow Christians are concerned. I'm an outcast completely. This has always been a mystery to me. But somehow I don't fit into their box. The only thing I can come up with is, my personality traits, and what many of them think of a janitor.
@tryingtosurvive2024 Well I’d understand why you find more people that don’t share the same morals as you as, unfortunately faith is dying all over the world.. there aren’t many Christians around anymore.. and for people who aren’t Christian - having one as a partner or a friend can be quite daunting.. my sister-in-law who is a Christian told me its because people tend to have a lot of fear associated with religion.. people don’t like their flaws on show or told what they could do better.. I can’t speak for the Christian community as I have only been treding the lines between the two worlds.. but we often unaware of our own actions and gestures can often un-known to ourselves project our inner fears and doubts onto others… I noticed quite a lot of negative self-talk.. I know it’s how one would feel when they have been so isolated.. it’s understandable.. but.. like for me (only using it to illustrate) as I don’t think of myself as a value to others I tend to express that in my body language and in the way I communicate - I shy away, I make myself small, protect myself by isolating - now that doesn’t make me exactly approachable!!! Sometimes it is the case of becoming more aware of oneself.. maybe praying on this to give insight would be helpful? I meditate but I think prayer can be a form of introspection.
@tryingtosurvive2024 Hey. Hope all is getting a little better for you. I understand where you are coming from when you say you talk to the wrong people. I contact people that's from my past or just don't really give a care about me. They will always pretend or they look for you to come back into their lives. You know deep down that these people are not what you need but at the time you just need someone.
I don't know where you are but sometimes if you can get out and just be in nature. As strange as it may seem talk to the trees and the birds. They will listen and sometimes speak back. lol. But they will never judge.
You are smarter than you give yourself credit. Yea, things are hard for you. You came on here and put your words out there. That's the beginning. It will take time. We will all help you get through this together.
If you ever need to chat I am here for you. I would love to get to know you.
@tryingtosurvive2024
Learn how to be comfortable in your own existence.
Nobody is able to escape solitude, because it's a fundamental aspect upon every person: you exist as a single individual, fundamentally therefore, your existence is single. Even when you have people and spend time with them, you approach those silent moments where you are only with yourself. You can't escape solitude, but it is more beneficial if you wholly accept it.
@kalymmenon Balance is the problem. Too much solitude isn't good.
@tryingtosurvive2024
May not be good, but what can you do when there's no good company for you? You can't control who enters in your life, and by what you've written it is evident that your effort is in vain. It would be more beneficial if you accept it, and be patient for the right people. But you do you.
There are so many people who feel alone. You would think they would all find each other.
@PineTreeTree That is an interesting observation. A lot of people online, I have tried to make contact with, and get conversations started, act like they are just too busy or don't know what to do with that.
There was a woman at work, single, like me. Loved to pick on me for some reason, but when I tried to form a friendship with her, I would often kinda get put off. What was the point of picking on me? She made no sense.
@tryingtosurvive2024 My sense is that the internet has dulled our senses for friendship and community. It may have also emphasized some traits in us that are not helpful. Opinion is revered more than curiosity. Aggression has little cost and is rewarded on social media by algorithms. We feel the need to present our lives to others in a polished façade. Suspicion and conspiracy are also fostered. We may learn a lot of socially bad habits that don’t translate well into in-person social situations.
@PineTreeTree I'm not interested in creating a character that is not me just so I can have people in my life that are also pretenders. What kind of quality is that?
@tryingtosurvive2024 I never said create a character. I suggest changing your behavior. People change their behavior for all kinds of reasons. For instance to lose weight, to get an education, to make their relationships more harmonious, etc. Your behavior is probably the easiest variable to control in a relationship.
@PineTreeTree Sorry I misunderstood you. Sadly none of your suggestions will work in my situation.
@tryingtosurvive2024 Consider the prayer of St Francsis. It is literally a pray asking for self change. It’s pointing toward what I was suggesting. Is this prayer meant for self subjugation and nothing else? Does the line, “it is in giving that we receive,” mean we gain nothing tangible in the here and now? From personal experience, changing my relationship to myself and my inner feelings also changed how others related to me. It requires some faith and humility to learn another way. You may be right that my suggestions won’t work for you, but maybe be open to ancient wisdom that has stood the test of time (such as the prayer by St Francsis). Maybe be open to the more modern ideas and science about how relationships develop and thrive. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water before considering new ideas. If you do only what you know and get the same results then you’re getting exactly what you paid for.
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
@tryingtosurvive2024 Hi, I understand how you feel and I want you to know you are not alone in this world and I believe in you. I know I sound like one of those people who are paid to tell you that everything will get better, but to be completely honest it might not, so you have to try your best and maybe one day everything will be normal and healthy for the people living in this world and that’s why we need you, we need you to help make a difference in this world and just know that there are people out there that can be helpful, just keep looking
From the bottom of my heart, have a hopefully better day and I hope this helped :)
