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tryingtosurvive2024
9 21,862 M Aiming High
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts1,204 Forum posts287 Forum upvotes882 Current upvotes882 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2024 Member sinceJanuary 22, 2024
Bio

I am a 45 year old single guy.  I like computers, model airplanes.  God is very important to me.  I'm trying to survive life.  I struggle with a learning disability.  I have other mental health problems, such as, OCD, Mixed Personality Disorder, Loneliness, Anxiety, and Depression sometimes.

I have been alone for so long, that I feel like something inside of me has broke.  When I try to talk to some people, I freeze up.




Recent forum posts
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I am not good enough for a Girlfriend.
Relationship Stress / by tryingtosurvive2024
Last post
 7 hours ago
...See more I am a guy.  I am a Christian.  I have a learning disability called ADHD/ADD.  I wrote a post about Church hurt where I go into details on why I am not in Church anymore.  I once prayed that if I could be around Women then I might learn how to get along with them.  Did that prayer get answered?  I honestly don't know...  My learning disability and  other mental health problems cost me two jobs before landing the job I am currently in.  22 years ago, I had no idea I would get stuck where I am at. I am currently working for a School.  I clean 2:00pm - 10:30pm.  The school has around 50 Women employed, from Office Workers, Cafeteria workers, Teacher Aids, and the Teachers.  Over the course of 22 years I have had lots of little interactions/talks with some of the Women there.  97% of them are already married.  What I think I have learned from my experiences is that I'm not "boyfriend" material.  It constantly feels like I got to walk on eggshells around them. Since my real life is like this, I decided to try online.  In the early days, it was easier for me to find a woman to talk too.  But the women I would meet was always long distance away, and they were not right for me.  As time went on, I found that it became harder and harder to even meet them.  Since I have found myself thinking about this again for the 1 Billionth time.  I decided I would write about it.  See I just wrote something about it. What is wrong with me?  I think the main thing that is wrong with me is my learning disability.  Somehow it effects everything about me, including my body language.  The lack of connection causes depression, and everyone around me can tell that is happening too.  It is like a circle that I can't get out of it.  But one thing I can do is write about it.
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I don't have the right people in my life
Religion & Spirituality / by tryingtosurvive2024
Last post
 6 hours ago
...See more I don't have the right people in my life.  It is depressing because I can't fix it.
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Society has decided that I am a loser.
ADHD Support / by tryingtosurvive2024
Last post
 4 hours ago
...See more Everything seems to hinge on my disability.  Why am I not liked by others?  Why can't I get out more?  Why am I working the job I am?  It all seems to point back to my learning disability and what it does to me.  Causes emotions that cascades into depression.  Last night I was at work, and picked up a sharpie marker and wrote on my arm.  "Loser".
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More times than I can count, I have thought about leaving Christianity.
Religion & Spirituality / by tryingtosurvive2024
Last post
 6 hours ago
...See more Whenever I post about this on Christian forums, I don't receive positive or reassuring comments.  They seem to range from praying to see if you are truly saved or not.  Or I'm not doing something right.  I remember one person saying "God is not treating you like a Son."  Then He tells his story about what all He had to do until God finally treated him like a son. I got no idea why other people choose to leave the faith.  There seems to be a few reasons.  But I feel like my reason is a little different for theirs.  In fact I don't think I will ever stop believing in Jesus.  In fact I don't think anything could convince me to stop believing in Jesus.  But I think I could be convinced that I am not saved or that I will ever be! I am a simple Christian.  I pray to Jesus, and talk to Him.  I listen to my Bible because it is hard for me to read books.  I listen to sermons, and Christian based podcasts.  Yes I have Christian music too.  As you can see I'm pretty simple.  But here is the problem, as far as I can tell I have never heard God's voice in me.  I have heard other voices in me, they were cruel.   They probably come to be because I was treated badly by my peers for so many years.  They probably torment me because I struggle in everything I do.  Thank you learning disability! I rely on the scriptures the most.  However there are a bunch of different Bible translations.  Some of the smarter Christians use the Hebrew and Greek to determine which translations best represent a word or a verse here and there.  When they write books, they often will quote from various versions.  While they might find this helpful or even more accurate, it just makes my poor head spin.  If the Holy Spirit is really in me, then I would think that He would stop my head from spinning.  But He doesn't.  It is due to my head spinning from all the different ideas and stuff that I won't witness to anyone.  I can't handle how complicated stuff gets.... I don't like feeling little all the time.  Me walking away from Christianity is not what it sounds like.  It is not me throwing my beliefs in the trashcan.  It is me going to sleep so that my head will stop spinning.  Even though I love Jesus with all my heart, my mind exist in confusion.
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I am the smartest and stupidest person I know
ADHD Support / by tryingtosurvive2024
Last post
 December 14th
...See more Inside of myself, I am constantly switching between feelings of intelligence and stupidly.  I never can decide on what I am.  As soon as I start to feel smart, something reminds me of why I consider myself stupid.  Then something comes up and due to some circumstance I feel smart again.
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Lover of Truth, and The Truth is I'm a loser. (Christian Blog)
Religion & Spirituality / by tryingtosurvive2024
Last post
 Wednesday
...See more Ever since a very early age, I was taught to be honest.  Does that mean I'm always as honest as I should be?  I don't go around telling lies, but their have been times where I would be silent, and even silence can be considered to be a lie. Honestly I hate Christian positivity.  Whenever I read it, and the positive scriptures they post, my stomach starts to turn.  I feel like i'm not saved at all because I feel like I can't measure up. I listen to the old Bible Experience mp3s at work.  I have done this for years, and through that method, I've been able to get through the entire Bible multiple times, which wouldn't have been possible if I was just reading it off the page.  I have a learning disability called (ADHD/ADD)  and I have some eye problems.  The muscles in my eyes don't work together like they should.  It has been this way my entire 45 years of life.  So, sometimes I have done eye exercises that can help some, and there are prisms in my glasses that help with this.  But it does still seem to effect how long I am able to focus.  When I do read a book, I first get myself all worked up, and then I force myself to read it.  In doing so, my heart rate increases.  And something just comes over me, and brute force my way through it.  It is not an enjoyable experience, but I get the job done. Going back the Bible thing.  The way I listen to my Bible, is I start in Genesis, and then day by day I keep going.  I think I listen for about hour a day.  It depends.  But the idea is to keep going until I'm in Revelation and once that is done then I repeat the process.  It takes me about a year to complete it. The goal is to allow the Holy Spirit, to use the words I'm listening to, to speak to my heart and mind.  While I get the gist of things.  Often times the old testament prophecies go over my head.  Normally I don't worry about it because if I need to understand it, I'm counting on the Holy Spirit to help me with that.  What I don't understand is how the positive minded Christians quote the book of Isaiah a lot.  Whenever I listen to it, the gist I get is Judgment Judgment Judgment.  I'm a strong believer in context.  The context tells you the purpose of the passages. Positive Christians seem to always isolate out the most positive passages, and verses. Whatever sounds encouraging that is what they hold onto.   Somehow I don't feel like this is reality.  The Bible has some nice stuff in it, but it also has some dark and strange stuff in it too.  As a believer I want balance.  I want to understand things for the way they are, and not the way I want them to be. The blog hasn't gone the direction I wanted it to go. I don't understand the Christian happiness that I see in my own life.  I'm sure a lot of these people would say it depends on what you focus on.  When I compare my life to theirs, what I see is, people who are working a job that they like, around people they like, and are married and have kids.  They got a Church they are involved with, and they go on vacations.  Where as I'm a lot different, I have a learning disability, that causes me to struggle in many areas, and I work a job that i don't like, and I'm not around people like myself.  I don't got a Church.  I'm not married and have kids.  I don't go on vacations.  I don't have friends.  So when people act like it is all about your focus, I feel something inside of me tighten up.  How did I get into this mess?  I'm not going to explain my unfortunate history in this blog.  But if you look around my profile you can find other posts where I share what happened to me., and what is happening to me.  As far as I'm concerned, it all makes logical sense.
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Feeling Like I'm Made for Hell.
Religion & Spirituality / by tryingtosurvive2024
Last post
 December 5th
...See more Deep down inside of me, I feel like I'm made for ***.   Life doesn't seem to have any meaning.  I've been through a lot.  And currently I feel like I'm not improving.  I have a gut feeling that is because I was created to suffer.  Do know this feeling?  You won't find this in the Bible.  My feelings go contrary to what I believe in my head to be right.  Get right with Jesus and the promise is Heaven.  Yet deep in my emotions I feel the opposite, right now.
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Perhaps PenPal Idea is dead.
Pen Pals / by tryingtosurvive2024
Last post
 December 8th
...See more 22 years ago, when I started using the internet, I thought maybe I would get a girlfriend this way.  22 years later it never happened.  I thought might meet her on a dating site, forum, social networking, or Chatrooms.  I thought we would first become a penpal in email.  After that start talking on the phone, and then maybe meet in person.  In my early days, I could meet women in chatrooms, social networking, and dating sites.  But nothing lasted for long enough to do what I thought.  And also the people I met was always lived too far away.  Eventually I started talking to other guys.  Not for dating of course, but because I was so lonely that I needed someone to just talk too.  Now days things have gotten worse.  In my current experience people no longer email.  Most people don't really write anything deep.  They just do little here and there.  Makes me wonder if maybe this penpal idea might be dead.
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