tryingtosurvive2024 Member Profile

Currently I think I am a Bad Christian

Newbie Hub / by tryingtosurvive2024

2 hours ago

My Experience: Social Isolation, Using the Internet to try and help it, and getting into trouble for it.

Newbie Hub / by tryingtosurvive2024

2 days ago

...See more I hope I don't get into trouble for writing this. When I look at my empty email inboxes I can't help but feel extra lonely, and even extra disliked. When I'm in this kind of mood, which happens often. I feel like I need to write something. I need to tell a sad story for my past. I spent years on the internet. Starting in 2002 trying to make and keep friendships. I have always been vulnerable to whoever would talk to me. Often times I would come across teenagers that were willing to talk to me. In the early days, I was in my early 20's and it didn't seem to matter that much. I reasoned, this is not ideal for me, but at least it is better than nothing. As the years went by I began to learn that this is becoming dangerous for me. When I used to go to public chatrooms, dating sites, social networking sites, and forums. I wasn't looking for teenagers. I just wanted someone who would talk to me. Occasionally I would meet someone older than me, and we would talk. But no matter the age, nothing lasted longer than a year at best. At worse the chat might last one session. As I looked over my life and how it must appear to others online. I started to realize that I look like a creep. Creepy because of my 2nd shift custodian job. Creepy because I live with my parents. Now I look creepy because of my age. I even had someone think I'm creepy because of my hobby of flying and building R/C Planes. You might be wondering "how did you get into trouble?" It didn't happen very often but the few times it did, scared me. I got reported. One time I got reported, I told the moderator, I didn't do anything wrong. They could see that I didn't do anything wrong, but they advised me not to talk to teenagers anyways. But I wasn't looking for that. They often times were the only ones who was willing to chat. Even here one of the listeners told me how young they were, I told them that I didn't feel comfortable talking to them. I got nothing against you, but I've been falsely reported in the past and I can't trust anyone under the age of 18. I prefer people are around 30. Because for a 20 year old everyone has got plenty of time to work on themselves. But for us older people. I'm 45 now, it feels more and more like time is running out. On Dating sites people expect to date. That is ok, but on the dating sites I was on, I wasn't able to meet anyone that was local enough to go on a date with. So I eventually stopped trying that. For the sake of protecting myself online, I even deleted all my selfies. If you asked me for a picture right now, I would need to get out the camera and try to take a picture. I'm not a good looker, so I don't like doing that. When I was in my 20's I didn't look that good either, but I wasn't afraid to kid around in my photos. I took a picture of me wearing a clean mop. Just to be different. I created a picture of me tossing a mountain dew bottle mid air at the camera, just to be different. I took a picture of me wearing blue rag, just be different. I even made a kaleidoscope picture of myself for my fb page. (I never felt like I could just make a normal picture of myself since I'm not very photogenic.) But as I began to feel more and more disliked, and got falsely reported 3 times. And I had an online g/f, that was a stupid thing to do! After an online breakup she wrote a 2 1/2 slander blog against me on myspace. 4 years later she apologized to me and took it down. What I'm saying is I've been through some bad stuff online, and now I'm scared to be posting pictures of myself etc.

I joined 7Cups Because I have no real relationships?

Newbie Hub / by tryingtosurvive2024

September 11th

...See more I joined 7Cups Because I have no real relationships? This statement is both a question and a fact. I believe in honesty and accuracy. If I say that I have no relationships then I would imply that I have no relationship with anyone including my parents or people at work. Let me break it down for you why I want to use the statement: "I have no real relationships." I am a 45 year old man who still lives with his parents. In all my years growing up, my relationships with other people haven't been very good. It has always been hard for me to make friends, and I have never had a good girlfriend. I feel like I got to say "never had a good girlfriend" because what is a girlfriend anyways? There have been women who have come and gone that I liked. Things never worked out, and we never went on a date. Most of them were just people on the internet that I got to chat with and flirt with. Some of them hurt me. In fact just about all women in my life, except for my mother and grandmother has hurt me, and gone away. The one's who haven't hurt me are people that a little too distant to hurt me. I'm not a perfect guy by any stretch of the means. I just happen to be a single guy with a sex drive, who has had bad luck in life. My bad luck started off in 1987. I had flunked kindergarten, and now I find myself in a readiness class. A class that was meant to prepare me for the 1st grade. While I was in this class I was diagnosed with a learning disability. I had no idea that this learning disability was going to define me for the rest of my life. And maybe even be the reason why I was going to end up in an isolating job that I hated with no escape. I didn't know that it would put a target of **** on my back. People like to pick on me because of my learning disability. It does something to me that causes me to be like: "I don't get it." I'm slow and I can't understand what is going on around me and why. Back in 2002 I joined the internet social things, that included dating sites with one goal. Maybe meet a woman that understood me. But as the years of failure went by, my depression increased. I got to the point to where I was like "I give up on this goal." I got to focus on my mental health now. After reading this, you might think that I'm on 7cups to try and meet a single woman, who understands me. That would be a nice thing if that happened. But that is not why I joined 7cups. I joined 7Cups because I don't have anyone in my life, male or female, that truly understands my social and life problems. This is the only place I can go to talk about my issues, and try to feel better. In the past several years, my main goal is to feel better. Thinking about all the things that I wish I could fix and don't have the people in my life to help me to fix them. Depresses me. I could write a lot more about this, but I don't want to, and I don't want to make you as the reader read all of that. But I do have other posts here, that goes into more details on what I have been through in life. A lot of that stuff would help make this post make a little more sense. In one post I talk about how bad I was bullied growing up, and how that experience has created trauma that has messed me up emotionally as well.

Church Hurt

Newbie Hub / by tryingtosurvive2024

8 hours ago

...See more Something I don't like about myself. I can write, but I don't like to write. Whenever I write something on the internet, is not intended to help anyone. I wish I could write something that would help you. They say that my gift is the gift of helps, and yet I got nothing helpful to say. I am a damaged person, and that is why I'm on 7cups. Relationally I am a damaged person. I'm here on 7cups because this is currently the only place on the internet that I can go and talk to a live listener about my problems. All past relationships in real life have been either a failure or next to a failure. All my past internet relationships have died. Most die very quickly. I have such a bad track record of this, that even when someone is calling me a friend, I think it will end soon. Usually within a week to a month it will be over. But this wasn't on my mind when I set down to write. I have been a follower of Jesus since the age of 6. I grew up in a Christian family and I went to Church until the problem that happened in 2020. My parents, to whom I still life with, tried to go back in the fall of 2021. We saw something happen at the Church we were attending. When you add it up with all the other past Church issues in our lives, that caused my parents to say to me: "We are not going back". I understand that not all people will feel like they belong in Church. If you are not a Christian then you will not feel like you belong with a group of people who are. What I am talking about is church culture. There are Bible believing born again Christians who don't feel like they belong in church. Me and my parents are a small group of them. The weird thing about it is, we don't have major disagreements with the local Bible believing churches. They just don't want to be friends with us. We don't know why. As I work an isolating job, cleaning a school, 2nd shift, I need some kind of community to help my sanity. Ideally that should be a local church. A club might work too, but a club is not a spiritual organization. I have some additional problems that I have already talked about in other forum posts. I got my learning disability that slows me down. In fact one of the major issues it causes me, it is puts a cap on me. I can learn something to an extent, but eventually I reach my end. For example, I live in the country. Transportation is important for life. I'm not a great driver. I'm trying to learn how to use a GPS. I get lost easily, and I'm not good at changing lanes in traffic. That puts a big limitation on me. I am not over weight, and my job keeps me moving, yet I have high blood pressure that makes it hard for my doctor to put me on Learning Disability kind of medication. Why do I work the job I work, even though it is bad for mental health? Because of the learning disability. Why is it that people probably don't like me, is because of my learning difficulties. I'm an awkward person. I'm not confident. My Church hurt starts a long time ago. It actually started with my parents. In order to try and explain it all, I wrote 6 page piece on it. I realize that I still need to smooth it out and add more details. But it takes that whole thing before anyone understands what happened to me and my parents. It is frustrating to write that much because I don't have that kind of concentration for it. But really upsets me, is that if the local Churches would of treated us right, then I wouldn't be so upset all the time.

Has your learning disability made it difficult to make friends and maintain them?

ADHD Support / by tryingtosurvive2024

10 hours ago

Feelings As of Lately

General Support / by tryingtosurvive2024

August 30th

...See more I feel that I don't belong in society. That sentence pretty much sums it up. For my whole 45 years of life, there has been some things wrong with me. I realize that I am not as bad off as some people out there, and I'm glad of that. But there are some things wrong with me that is difficult to describe to others. I feel that unless you are in my shoes, then you can not understand me. Those people that have it worse off than me. I can't understand them. I can imagine it. But I can't really understand it from an experience standpoint. All the people I run into at work, or even online don't understand me. I don't make friends, and now at my age, I don't think I can make friends. The typical list is people at my age are too busy for it. Sometimes I think what is wrong with me just drives people away. I am a socially awkward person. I don't know why I am socially awkward. I just am. There is almost no way for me to even describe it to you. I can tell you some of my life story and hope and pray that you can logically do the math and come up with some sort of understanding. But that is as far as I can take you. I have tried this before, and it is never enough! Right now, I think there is someone online that I am slowly loosing People build friendships around what they think they have in common with someone else. I am different from the average of what is around me. The typical answers people give me don't work. I can not make them work. And when people realize this, then they abandon me. I think what they think in their heads is, "This guy just needs to try harder." Like I said earlier, these people are just not in my shoes. They don't seem to see things, or feel things from the perspective that life put me in. Believe it or not, I don't like to write, and I don't like to write like this. But when I feel it is necessary to write, I will write. Today I woke up with my body misbehaving like it has been doing for a year. Before you ask, I have been to the doctor, and He's tried something that didn't work. In early 2025 I get a colonoscopy done to see if there is any serious problems in that area of my body. But I have had those issues in my body for as long as I've been alive. They just were not as bad as they are now. I don't understand how everything in a person effects everything else. But it does, because our bodies are all one complicated machine. Getting back on topic: I woke up not feeling well, and decided to check my email. As usual there is nothing in my inbox on any of my email addresses. The reason why is people are not attracted to me. It doesn't matter what I do, or what I say. I can get myself into trouble with people easier than I can grow friendships. People can not understand why it is I am so negative. I don't fully understand it either. All I can say is I have feelings of negativity that are very difficult to get rid of. People can see it on my face, and I can not even hide it. I am alone, and people try to tell me that I am not alone. It makes me scratch my head. How can I not be alone and yet still be alone? The internet is the only place that I can be fully honest with people. My other place in life is work. I know what you are going to say before you say it. "You need to get out more" And I have received different variations of that suggestion. My answer is, I would love too. But there are still things that you don't understand about me yet. You don't know what hinders me from getting out more. That is another topic in of it's self!

I don't know how to find a place to fit into

Newbie Hub / by tryingtosurvive2024

September 3rd

...See more I have been online for 21 years. It has taken me 21 years to come to the realization that I don't know what I am doing socially online. I don't know who or what to blame for this. I grew up during the 90's and I wasn't an internet person. I lived in the real world, and did the best I could to survive it. I don't think the majority of people ever liked me. For as long as I can remember, I always struggled with friendships. I couldn't see why, because I always tried to be kind to everyone. By the time I was in 6th grade people started bullying me. It wasn't just enduring name calling. They started tripping me in the hallways, hitting me in the head with book, licking their fingers and putting it in my ears. Making projectiles out of broken plastic rulers, and using rubber bands to shoot them at me. They also destroyed my things when they could. Some of the girls weren't nice to me either, and sometimes they would say eww. This continued until I graduated High School. One year after graduation, I lost control of my anxiety, and I started to spiral into a nervous break down. My doctor put me on medication that helped pull me out of it. (There is a lot more to this story.) I am a Christian, and so Church was important to me. But the local Churches are not friendly to me. So I no longer attend Church. (There is a lot more to this story.) I tried to look for local clubs. But since I live in the particular part of the state of Indiana, I couldn't find a club that I could fit into. There is one, maybe, but it is expensive. (There is more this story.) I am a single guy and I wish I had a woman in my life. But since school was a failure, Church was a failure, and finding a club is also a failure. I had to try online dating, since, the only place I'm around women is at work. But I'm just a janitor for a school, and the women are all teachers and other support staff. They don't care about someone like me. Anyways the online dating thing went no where. I also tried to be involved with forums, chat rooms, and other social media. But at the end of the day they are all a flop. I couldn't tell you how many times I had to start all over! I decided for my own sanity sake to write this. If you decide that you would like to be my friend or whatever. You need to be someone that is patient and graceful to me. Because I have been through a lot. I can do my best to be kind. But I can't be perfect. There is just too much damage to my feelings.

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