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tryingtosurvive2024
1 19,583 M Progress Road 8
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts1,073 Forum posts233 Forum upvotes796 Current upvotes796 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2024 Member sinceJanuary 22, 2024
Bio

I am a 45 year old single guy.  I like computers, model airplanes.  God is very important to me.  I'm trying to survive life.  I struggle with a learning disability.  I have other mental health problems, such as, OCD, Mixed Personality Disorder, Loneliness, Anxiety, and Depression sometimes.

I have been alone for so long, that I feel like something inside of me has broke.  When I try to talk to some people, I freeze up.



Recent forum posts
Frustration with making friends.
35 & Over Community / by tryingtosurvive2024
Last post
 1 day ago
...See more Emotionally I feel that it is time for me stop trying to make friends.  Stop trying to reach out.  I'm 45 years old and whatever I'm doing isn't working.  In my younger days reaching out to people and keeping a good attitude about it wasn't so hard.  There was always "hope" in the air.  But I just keep getting older and my opportunities have only decreased.   I find it odd how I try to reach out to people, say nice things, and while I might get a "thank you" or something like that.  The small spark doesn't get a fire started.  For some reason it just goes out.  I have had to spend a lot of time looking into myself, trying to figure out what could be wrong with me.  One of my theories is, back in 2001 I was diagnosed with "Mixed Personality Disorder".  If you look it up, it is term that is kinda hard to define.  I think there is something about me, that people don't feel like getting close too.  It doesn't even matter if I got a good heart or not.  It doesn't matter if I'm kind.  It doesn't matter how many nice things I do.  It doesn't matter how good of a listener I am.  It doesn't matter where I go, or whom I'm around.  Something about me turns people off.  It is like the creator of the universe, decided to make me like this, and there is nothing I can do to change it.  The more I think about this, the more sad and hopeless I feel.
I guess I'm old school because I like receiving and sending emails.
Pen Pals / by tryingtosurvive2024
Last post
 October 26th
...See more 22 years ago, I joined the internet in hopes that I would meet some nice people. I was under the impression that I could find some people and start a writing relationship with them.  Maybe even find a girlfriend and who knows from there...  As the years went by my hopes began to fade.  So many people would start and stop, leaving me wondering if I said something wrong?   So much time has gone by, I can't believe that I'm 45 years old now.  I remember when I started I was only 23.  Back then it seemed to be a lot easier to get stuff started.  Even though it never lasted, at least something would get started.  Then I went through a phase of online drama.  One of the social networking sites had a lot of that, and I remember asking myself:  "Is this really what I signed up for?"   I'm a guy that has a lot of different interests but I guess I'm not trendy.  For example, now days "working out" seems to be one of the big trends.  Everyone is posting videos on yt of work out videos these days.  I'm not against doing that sort of thing, but it really isn't that big of an interest of mine.  Why would it be?  It doesn't seem like those kinds of people have labor intensive jobs.  I'm on my feet 8 hours a night cleaning a large school.  (That includes moving around lifting heavy trash)  The last thing I want to do is pick up some weights when I get home.   My interests is in computers, women, my faith in God, Christian Rock and Metal bands, Model Airplanes and some other things.  But these things are not nearly as popular, I guess.  Before you ask, I am a member of a Christian Metal forum.  But I don't really care for the drama of who isn't being a real Christian behind the scenes.  I am on a Model Airplane forum, but that is mostly just to get help of building and fixing things.  I'm also on some computer forums, again they work best for getting help.  But not so much building pen pal like friendships.  That is why I decided to post in this thread.  Is there anyone that enjoys writing someone like me?
Looking for People to talk too, and become friends with...
General Support / by tryingtosurvive2024
Last post
 October 31st
...See more I'm a janitor for a school.  I work 2nd shift, and my hours are 2:00pm - 10:30pm.  The job and the hours makes making friends very difficult for me. I tend to put friendship and dating into the same category, because, both things involves contact with another human being.  Both have similar relationship qualities.  The point I am trying to make is, 7Cups is a website for mental support.   I have never been successful at any of the dating stuff online or offline.  The same goes for my general friendships....  Moreover I don't care what I get out of this.  If all I get is a friend then that is way better then what I got gong for me now! In one of my forum posts, here, It was suggested that I write this post.  It was suggested that I tell everyone my timezone and what I'm looking for.  I am on Easter Standard Time.  I get home from work between 10:30pm and 11:00pm.  I check my work email first, and then I check my other emails.  Usually they are all empty.  Next I log in here, and check for comments on my threads.  If there are any i respond.  After that I take a shower, maybe eat something and then I come back to talk.  Usually that is around 12:00 AM.  It would really be nice if I had someone to talk too for an hour at least, before I go to bed.  You see, my job is very lonely.  I work at night and almost get no conversation at all.  Usually I'm the only one in the school cleaning it.  Then I come home from work, and I'm all by myself until I go to bed.   I get up in the morning around 9:00 AM take a shower, and I get to hear my parents talk but there isn't much for me to say about their stuff.  My point is I live a very lonely life. When I was in High School, other students wanted to move away from here.  They would say things like, there is nothing to do here.  I always figured their issue is that they wanted places to go to where they could party and do drugs better.  After all they used a lot of swear words, talked about sex a lot, and crude jokes.  But it is true that where I live there isn't much to do.  And what little there is to do, I have trouble doing it.  I have a learning disability that effects me.  Transportation is a bit of a problem due to it.  Also learning how to do activities is also a problem cause I learn slower than others.  Plus being on my feet for 8 hours a night makes me tired too.
I get tired of flirting.
Relationship Stress / by tryingtosurvive2024
Last post
 October 23rd
...See more I'm 45 Male, and Single. I'm probably single for good reason. I still live with my parents, learning disability, don't get out much due to driving issues, and my janitor job.  I also don't have a club to be in. Over the years I have had to use some online dating, and social networking sites to meet women.  None of this has ever resulted in me going out on a date.  They always live too far away. I have noticed that flirting seems to be a big thing with Men and Women.  But I have never been a good flirt.  If I find myself doing it, I usually find that I get tired of it pretty quickly.  I enjoy meaningful conversations. I felt compelled to share this, because there was someone in my work life, that used to pick on me.  I think she was flirting.  And I think the way I responded wasn't always the best, because I didn't understand what was going on.  Just tonight I watched a yt video on the subject, and it made me feel like I missed something.
I didn't choose my personality
Religion & Spirituality / by tryingtosurvive2024
Last post
 October 17th
...See more I have often wondered where our personalities come from.  It is my theory that our soul is the foundation for our personalities.  Then you add in our body's natural abilities.  And then you add in life experiences.  The only reason why I think people don't like me is because of my personality.
I am a Christian. Dear Christians What is Wrong with me?
Religion & Spirituality / by tryingtosurvive2024
Last post
 October 22nd
...See more As I was thinking about writing this, I remembered a time I sat in psychiatrist's office.  He was trying to treat my OCD.  He told me these pills might take way my sex drive.  I replied, good I don't have a need for it anyways.  He seemed a little shocked by my reply. One time I was in a psychologist office, and we were talking about my feelings.  I remember telling him that I didn't like my feelings. Why don't like my feelings?  Because my feelings hurt almost all the time.  Why don't I like my sex drive?  Because I am not married, and therefor I have no one to have sex with.  I just have sexual lust and sexual lust is a sin.  Anyone that is a Bible believer knows what I'm talking about. As I think about my loneliness, I feel sick, and hurt.  If I didn't have these feelings I probably wouldn't care, that the Christian Church seems to have rejected me.  I wrote about my Church hurt and I also have a long writing explaining all the bad things that happened with both my parents and me with Church.  I'm not going to go into all of that right away again. I work for a school.  I'm a 2nd shift Janitor.  If you have read me before, then you already know that.  Just about everyone in this SECULAR school building, claims to be a Christian of some sort.  Yet I don't see them trying to outreach to anyone that they might think isn't one. Just few years ago, i surprised one of them.  When they learned I was Christian, they were surprised, and yet I knew what that teacher claimed to believe.  She has bible verses printed on cards, taped fast to her computer monitor.  They are also laying on her desk.  And she even has some Christian devotional type books, laying on the desk.  Why in the world, someone like that doesn't at least try to make connections with someone they don't think is saved. If a Christian person would try to outreach to me, and invite me to their Church, I would feel honored that someone would even notice me! I don't know why it is so hard for a Christian like me to get connected to other Christians. Lately I have been struggling with my blood pressure.  I think the reason why it has been high lately is because my circumstances with other people is causing me pain. I want to share the kind of effect this is having on me. I hear my voice in my head, saying this. "Nobody likes you because you are a loser" repeat, repeat, repeat, and repeat.
Jealousy of People Who Have Lots of Friends
Religion & Spirituality / by tryingtosurvive2024
Last post
 October 8th
...See more Normally I would be taking a nap.  But I find myself so restless that I can't do it. I know a lot of Christians who are blessed with a lot of Christian friends. I think about the Church hurt I've been through, and how it continues to hurt me. I think about it, and wonder what did I do wrong? Here I am 45 years old, friendless, and around people who don't understand me.  They have their circles and I don't have mine.  I feel like I'm a loser.  I don't want to feel this pain, but life forces me to feel this pain.  Why can't I let it go?  How come things continue to drag me into these deeply negative hurtful feelings over and over again.  It feels like ***.  Of course I have talked to Jesus about it. Just cause you talk to Jesus about something, doesn't mean you get it.  It has got be in His Will, and He's got to know it is best for you.  But I don't understand why this pain is best for me.  I just don't get it.
Friendships, Loneliness, And Tired of Chasing after people.
General Support / by tryingtosurvive2024
Last post
 October 13th
...See more I write when an idea comes to me.  In recent months, the concept that a friend is not someone you got to chase after was brought to my attention. I am in a bad situation.  I have a choice between being 100% lonely or only 97% lonely. I don't know what to do about things.  If you read some of my past writings you probably know how my life went step by step into the situation I find myself in.  Yet it is hard for me describe it all. For the past 22 years, I have had only one place to have friends.  That is unfortunately work.  To make things even worse I'm a 2nd shift janitor for a school, and the only people I got to choose from are teachers.  The teachers have their own in group.  And most of these people got lives outside of work too.  Contrast that to me, and I got no life outside of work. There is restrictions put on me, making it dangerous for me to be friendly with the teachers.  My boss does not want me talking too much to them.  In fact even He avoids the teachers as much as possible.  There is like a culture difference between the Janitors and Teachers.  There is even a culture difference between the teachers and the cafeteria workers.  As a general rule the teachers and the cafeteria workers don't socialize.   As a general rule, the teachers and janitors don't socialize.  These people don't understand each other, and they don't feel the desire to understand each other.  Plus everyone is busy doing their jobs, so everyone has got that as an excuse too. Any teacher "friend" I have ever had, was because the teacher decided to say "hi" to me, and sometimes If i get extra lucky, they will ask me how I am doing.  If I'm extra extra extra lucky one will thank me for picking up their trash. What usually happens with these "friendships" is, I feel that I need to try to keep it balanced some, by being friendly back.  Sometimes a little talking will happen.  Eventually the teacher will grow tired of me and slowly the teacher will stop saying hi etc, and the "friendship" gradually dies. I have been through this cycle so many times I've lost track. The way I used to cope with this, is I would come home from work, turn on my computer, and try and find someone online to talk to me.  But i would often lose contact with people online.  I have since learned there is a term for that.  It is called ghosting. Since I am a Christian the ideal thing to do is go to Church and make friends there.  However if you have read my post about Church Hurt, you would know that I am no longer attending Church.  You see here in recent years, that is the number one problem with me going to Church.  I could only "attend" church.  In other words, I could get up early, which is not easy for a person that works 2:00pm - 10:30pm on the week days, and drive to a building, find a seat and go through the worship motions, watch a sermon, and then leave.  That is exactly how my parents and I did Church since 2001.  Nobody there actually cared.  Even when we tried to reach out to them, they didn't care.  And it was that way Church after Church after Church.  I began to look out in the congregations for people that I might recognize.  Sure enough, I saw teachers and staff members from the school system I work for.  I'm like no wonder.  We got a culture here, that doesn't accept my culture.  
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