Rantings and Revelations ~ TW

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're in so much pain. I saw your other post and I want to say that you do matter. I hope you find some hope - even alittle to shine a light into the darkest spot you're in right now

* sending you strength * I hope you have a change of heart

I had a break down. I am so embarrassed that I spewed it so publicly here in my journal and all over cups. To be honest, I am embarrassed to even come back to 7cups at all. I wasn't going to. I deactivated my account and I was NOT going to come back. But there must have been some part of me wanting to, or knowing I would be okay - eventually, because I did not delete it.

My therapist has been so harmful to me. I expressed to her through written word, out loud , emails - on and on - over and over: I need to talk about the traumas and emotions. I need help doing so. But all I was met with was that she didn't want me to become " distressed". I could not wrap my head around this. We discussed one memory - one. Yet, we never processed it and it was raw , leaking and oozing into every area of my life.

Last night was my total meltdown ( hahaha, yes, worse than this public one on cups) - I was at THAT edge. Apparently, and luckily, I did come back from that edge. Today I looked up my therapist's reviews online. And it was NOT me in the wrong - her reviews were ALL but ONE - negative. Multiple people had said she caused more harm to them than good. And it clicks - I am NOT damaged beyond repair, I am just trying to process with someone who will not let me do so and is so unhelpful to the point of me blaming myself for it.

The kicker is when I told her, again, I needed to talk about the memories and FEELINGS associated with it and actually PROCESS them and not let them fester and she replied to me ( I am not even being sarcastic nor joking): That I should retreat into a denial phase for a while, then, later down the road, we will think about talking about it. WHAT? Are you kidding?

So, a friend and I had been researching psychologists that are trauma based and I found one I think will be a good fit. I emailed her tonight , describing my needs and issues and asking for a consultation to see if this would be a good fit. ( Enter abandonment fears): I hope she emails back. It said she was taking new clients.

I apologize for flipping out and having a breakdown so publicly. If I triggered anyone, I am so sorry.

@blissedNblessed

I really hope things gets better. You do matter and will be in my thoughts 💓💓

I don't know why I thought of my old therapist I saw as a child - but out of the blue I remembered that she was a Holocaust survivor. And I remembered that she had had numerous interviews on TV because of it, a book and even a movie.( I wish I had appreciated such an opportunity to listen to her wisdom back then, but I was just a kid.) I was already on YouTube so I thought, hmmm, why don't I just put in her name and see what pops up - a walk down memory lane in a way. And I found an interview with her and watched it.

And I was transported back in time, just looking at her office in the background, remembering where I would sit and where she would sit and even the walk upstairs to her office. I remembered the way everything looked and smelled and even her voice. I remembered the games and toys she had, the doll house. The doll house. I loved it . She would let me play and always asked questions all the time, digging deeper into the mystery of me ( I was very closed mouthed). She would dig too deep with how I played with and how the " family" of dolls related to each other. I remember the FEAR that would rush over me, making me freeze when she started asking questions too close to my secrets. How I just stopped playing with the doll house right after that. " I dunwanna play with this no more". (Translation : You got to close, I am shutting down. I can't tell you my secrets.)

I remember telling her a few things, things I thought were normal - I was so conditioned to think abuse was normal. I would tell her something and then I just remember her freaking out and reacting so strongly. I was so confused - why is she mad about this? Am I in trouble? I told her that He slept with me, just in his underwear, in a sleeping bag. There is nothing wrong with that ( there is so much wrong with that - and of course , I didn't tell her what really happened in that sleeping bag. I wiped that clean from my conscious thought anyways.)

She freaked out, telling me that ____'s do NOT do that with their _____. She was so upset. I didn't understand. She asked so many questions. She told my mom. I thought I was in so much trouble. But nothing ever happened when I disclosed that information. It's my fault though, I never told her the more, part. If I was, " in trouble", for what parts I did tell her - I better close my mouth and not talk again. I remember never opening up after that, only playing games and not answering her questions - don't get too close. Never used that doll house after that.

Now I cannot stop thinking of what my life would have been like if I told. Would it have been better? Would I have ended up a ward of the state - some group home - aging out of the system ? Would I have been more independent than I am now? Would I have been able heal? Would I be less traumatized? Would I have made it out of childhood unscathed from then on? Would my mother have rescued me and taken me far, far away? Would I have been safe? Or would it have turned out the same way - after all my mom knew about it ( she saw it in person, she heard it from my therapist , she walked in on it, she saw the signs...yet never saved me.)

I am so angry at myself for not telling. I used to think it was my STRENGTH that I could keep the secrets, that I could shut down my feelings, I could keep everyone away , I could clear all expression off my face, I was good - I didn't tell. I have this deep feeling of ... grief over this. Years of hating my little me and my childhood me - HATE. But she was innocent, she was scared, she was hurt, she didn't let anyone in, ever - to make sure no one found out. She was ALONE. I want to hold her, embrace her, sooth her, heal her. Beg her forgiveness.

Random fact: She taught me how to do certain psychological tests, lol. Like, Draw a tree or a house and how to analyze it. I learned things like this from her - I kept the attention on making her teach me these things to keep the attention off my secrets. To this day I can never draw a house with a chimney because I do not want people to think I am isolated - lol.

So watching her today, listening to that familiar voice, seeing her office, was a mix of bitter sweet.

Thoughts on processing my session:

I do not know how to keep him in my life right now. I have been avoiding his calls and other peoples calls/texts in that family. And I feel GUILTY for it – that he will feel unloved or unwanted by me. That he will be hurt and that is my responsibility to protect him from that, even at my expense. I feel selfish. But I cannot hold a conversation with him or see him on Duo. I can’t even stay present when I am with him – its instant disassociation. And then I know he notices, and I feel guilty for that.

He doesn’t even treat me right – and after all I have taken from him, his secrets I still keep for him, how no matter how he treats me, I am still nice. And how when he gets angry is such a trigger I go right back to feeling like a scared and unsafe child. I am filled with such anxiety being around any of them and just want to run away. I don’t feel safe. He tells me dirty jokes that bring me right back to feelings of guilt, embarrassment and shame.

I can hardly breathe around his wife. I HATE her so much. She has been so cruel, and recently I am remembering that she had also abusive to me in THAT way With him – just a few seconds, glances of memory of this – then I freak out so bad, get SO terrified that the memory just stops, and I am flooded with fear.

And I am angry at how I have been treated. How anger was used to hurt me and against me and how it still controls me. I cannot tolerate anyone yelling at me – or watching or hearing people fight – it takes me right back to feeling like a child, unsafe. Always unsafe. Even criticism triggers me back.

And he was supposed to love me – maybe he does in his own way, I think he does. But where was the love growing up? I only remember abuse. Even the good times are saturated with abuses of some kind – there was never an escape.

And it makes me sick to my stomach. To think what he did, and because of who he is. There was no one to protect me because the people in my life that were supposed to protect me were hurting me. Except my mother. But then I have issues that she let this all happen, and she knew what was going on – I know she did NOT know the extent of it – but even once is too much. I felt / feel like I am just not worth saving.

Here it comes - I can feel it : the day after therapy crash. No, not crash, more like feeling my body is stuck on a wall and the tide comes in, thrashing me up against the wall until I no longer exist. That doesn't even make sense.

Ahhhh...I can tell, I can just fucking tell. I slept with my stuffie all night. I woke up at 2 am with a nightmare and couldn't get back to sleep. Tried to join a group discussion on cups to get my mind off it but so damn paranoid that ppl were making fun of me ( god, I am such a crazy ass bitch). So I had to leave the room.

I can physically FEEL the emotions rising , like a physical sensation that gets stuck in my throat and I feel like I am choking on it. Or, thats a body memory - but i think its my emotions - idk. I am not the best judge of wtf is going on right now.

i feel the need to cry , not just cry but full body heaves and snot and everything type of cry - but i am holding it back. i cant wake up my aunt.

this morning has been, until now, this all pervasive feeling of , i was just lying to my therapist, nothing happened, there was no abuse. i cant even hold a memory in my mind that FEELS REAl. but i know they are - so fucking real...and its just under the surface and growing and i can feel it but do nothing to stop it.

i dont even want to be on cups - i cant think straight - but i dont want to be alone. but i am alone on cups. im just typing away at my journal like the basket case i am. maybe not basket case - LIAR. maybe i am a liar, nothing happened. but it so fucking did.

i dont know if i have to puke or cry, maybe both - and i am so fucking damn cold - nothing can warm me up and i hate this. and that feeling of choking on my emotions are still there ( is, is there). i hate it.

something is coming. its probs a memory.

I knew something was coming, looming, on its way and yes indeed it arrived with a bang. Another fucking breakdown , no, more like a meltdown, no...more like a freaking Major temper tantrum! This day is such shit.

I don't even know how this started ...lemme think, its so hard to think. I need to plop this down here in my journal so i can look at it and understand it and try to keep this from ever happening, again. Hahahh, good luck bliss, you can't control when your triggered. ( Enter long strand of cuss words, self hate and belittlement).

I do so much for my aunt. I care for her - she can do a LOT for her age and is capable of caring for herself but I do the cleaning, the cooking, keeping her company, organizing her things for her. I used to do all the errands and shopping until the drs told me i need to stay at home. I do a lot for her, im always concerned for her and helping out, dropping My stuff to do things for Her. But, she treats me like a child, quite literally.

I would like to say, that's just her age - but it's not - she has always been like this: Controlling ( overly controlling - I am not allowed to have a lock on my door ( I am a full grown adult), she goes through my purse openly and believes since I live in her house, she has that right. She doles out, " punishments" ( again, hello? I am an adult) but changes what they are and why she is giving them.

There is no consistency - such a damn trigger. Controlling me, such a damn trigger. Her punishment's are taking things that she does help me with and I DEPEND ON, AWAY FROM ME, CONTROLLING ME WITH HER EMOTIONS MAKING ME FEEL AND SAYING THAT, i AM RESPONCIBLE SHE FEELS BAD, ( sorry, caps locked and i just cant retype that).

I work for her - I do not get paid, i am her companion and kinda like a caregiver, too. She gives me room and board. She helps me pay for medicine and dr appointment co-pays. But, lol, not without at least 10 minutes of berating me for asking, first - im not kidding. Every dam time, in public or private. It doesn't matter. It is so toxic, emotionally, here.

I do not even have my own personal safe space here. she says, its her house and if i don't like it, i can leave. Well, i cant leave - who will care for her? and who will help me out..i am flat broke bc i cannot work right now. I have 0 money. And I am not getting paid for helping her all damn day. fine, whatever...but i can't leave - id be homeless. She knows this, its another way to control me and have me conform to her wishes at all times. And she withholds money from me if I am not compliant to her.

I cant handle this! And today after the body memories that came up, two of them ( fml), the aftermath of processing and talking in therapy, the impending break down and just not feeling present . what started this, lemme think, its hard to think...i was in such a bad place. I ( we trade - i clean for her and " earn" getting my needs met.

I have this tiny little fall jacket I have been wearing all winter because my winter coat got moldy from sitting in the trunk of my car since the fall. the washer broke and she refuses to get a new one because she uses the cleaners - i cannot afford the cleaners, plus, andi am sure this has to do with past abuse and violations - i can not handle people going through and touching my personal clothing - it feels so violating. I used to use the laundromat but now i cant because of my health.

This is so embarrassing, but i wear the same clothes every day until they are so dirty i just toss them out - then move onto another outfit that is clean, repeat the process. yes, i will eventually run out of clothes and no money to buy new ones - but there is nothing else i can do.

...so, i order to have her take my winter coat to get it cleaned at the cleaners, i had to do a, b and c , cleaning. fine, im used to this. So, i did it. I need that winter coat - it is so damn cold. Then, this am, she adds onto it, x y and z to do, i order to get the jacket - it is not fair. she cant keep changing things up and adding on and delaying my damn coat - its so cold.

And she spoke to me like this worthless child - ordering me around, belittling me. Changing rules and punishments. Something got triggered so deep in me - this terror and frustration of never feeling safe or getting needs met and begging , always begging to have people stop being so mean. She, at the time, felt so abusive - it triggered all the feelings from childhood being abused and I lashed ut and freaked out.

I was crying and begging her to stop doing this to me, that i can't take this, im going to break. she didnt care. Then she kept adding more things i have to do , in order to get the dam winter coat cleaned. i was just drowning.

And boom, it happened: i went right back to feeling like a hurt child , being abused. I know she was not abusive ( well, um..toxic and inappropriate though) but my feelings were way far off into childhood land. I felt I was unsafe, begging for them to stop, danger loomed in every corner...and this bubbling anger at how everyone treated me. and i went off into temper tantrum land , yes, like a freaking two year old - on the floor, crying, throwing shit, telling her please just let me have my coat, i worked for it - BEGGING and crying. and she just was this stern faced controlling bitch. And kept making add ons and not caring that i was at my breaking point.

Then she told me unless i shut up and stop crying or talking, ill never get it - i snapped. i told her she could do anything to me, hurt me, i dont care. and shes like, if you can shut up for 10 seconds ill let you go clean and have the coat later. and counted the seconds like i was a fucking child - i am an adult.

and before i was aware of what i was doing, I grabbed the siccors on the table and self harmed at each count of ten in front of her - you would think she would see my pain, but no: she laughed at me and said, " good".

I was gone - no longer in the present, way past the time i could even ground myself - i was IN the past. lashing out at everything. literally crying and begging. Nothing was real - nothing was the present moment. i was shaking so bad and for over an hour after all this was over. It was not about her anymore, it was about the Hes. About all the swirls of abuse, pain and chaos and lack of being safe, ever.

I ran out of the house, and drove to a random parking lot to just , breathe and collect and try to ground - even the smell of the wind was in the past. everything was the past. trapped. hurt. abused. worthless. helpless. I tried grounding and nothing worked.

I eventually came back to her home ( Her home, I know it is not mine and I can be kicked out at any time she sees fit). Took a double dose of my anxiety meds - which i am really feeling now. But my body is calm, my mind is swirling. I can not ground myself.

I had to fucking apologize to her and she made this BIG performance of being mad and hurt, even though i told her i accidently took an extra dose of meds ad that why it happened. she didnt care. Then told me More cleaning she wants me to do . its relentless.

Thank god she left to go out with her friend because if not, i was going to lock myself in the bathroom - the only door with a lock, and bring in my blanket and stuffie and laptop and phone and was going to hide in there, all damn day.

I am so physically exhausted from the meds , body just stopped shaking, and i am s-l-o-w-l-y Just starting to feel more grounded and in the present. But I want to cry , cry and scream but what's the point?

I am getting worried that these meltdowns are happening more and more frequqtly. i know this is part of healing, the messy upheavals and triggers . i know i am strong enough to see this through to the other side, but im worrying i am losing my mind. I wish they would have just killed me as a child.

I dont know how i am going to be okay today, i have no idea. everything is so raw and threatening.

@blissedNblessed Wow :( she sounds like a real piece of work. I'm sorry you have to deal with her and the things she says and does to you on top of everything else you're dealing with. When it rains it pours right?

After all I went through this morning with my aunt being over controlling, sending me back into the past and to little me - the sheer pain she witnessed - she is up to the same shit again. Being overly controlling.

I needed something ( a need, not a want)...so I earned it by doing the cleaning tonight that she wanted me to do. The she sat there and INSPECTED it, as if I am a child or I will purposely do a bad job.

Then she sits there, in her chair, reading her book for an hour after I had earned it. Saying, you can wait until I am good and ready.

Sometimes I think shes trying to hurt me with these punishments. ( It WAS a punishment for my break down earlier). I know she knows this hurts me. And she did it with a smile - a smirk on her face.

This time I did not react. I am holding a frozen orange. I took anxiety meds. I am staying focused and present. And I am doing this with sheer willpower out of spite for her.

And then, to make things even worse on this terrible day - I had a very life changing , horrifying flashback and then more memories about it and putting pieces together ( that narrative of self protection falling, and I can see clearly about her and how she was abusing me, all the ways she did and the extend of it if ( i know there is more but thank god there's so much resistance - its protecting me. I made so many excuses for why it didn't happen or downplayed what did. A horror story is unfolding before me - so disgusting that I can not even process it right now and had to push it out of my brain, so very far away, in order to salvage what's left of my sanity today.

I woke up to a MUCH improved mood today! I am so grateful for that! I am not sure how many more shit days in a row that I could handle. I actually was able to put in, on cups, that I was feeling " good" today - I do not remember the last time I was able to do that!

It really helps that I KNOW that the day after my therapy session come the breakdown. ( And the day of therapy starts the oozing out, the building of the breakdown). I am going to start thinking ahead and trying to plan out some emergency self care and go - to coping skills for the day after.

This upcoming session, tomorrow - will be an emotionally packed one - I am going to discuss with her, 3 BIG things that came up from processing the memory last session AND telling her about the little me temper tantrum. I KNOW, without a doubt, the oozing will be awful and the day after's breakdown will be even harder than the rest.

The following day, now labeled as , Break Down Day ( lol), is busy for me. And, a different aunt of mine's birthday , so I will have to fake happy ( And sane) to make sure she is having a great birthday and give her a call. It will be difficult to get out of my mind frame and fake happy for her - but at the same time, it will be a good distraction to focus on her and not, me.

What I really need to do are find some grounding coping skills because I seem to always get right back to the past and get stuck there. I tried every grounding I knew yesterday, but nothing worked - so I am a little weary. But, Something Has to work, right?

Maybe I will discuss this plan in therapy tomorrow as well. Hahahah, not enough time in one session to discuss Everything I need to bring up - lol, I will take notes to make sure to come back to what we didn't discuss for the next session ( not like there will not be more that comes up and another breakdown to discuss - just hopefully the coping skills can alleviate some of it. It feels like a never ending cycle that I can't even keep up with.