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Rantings and Revelations ~ TW

blissedNblessed December 31st, 2021

This is going to be my space where I can vent and rant and put a voice knew understandings. A place where I smear my secrets on canvas so I gain better perspective…or just have a place to go when I can’t go anywhere else, and my brain and memories are haunting me.

…TW: Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Self – Harm, Eating Disorders, Sexual Assault...



























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mytwistedsoul January 17th, 2022

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're in so much pain. I saw your other post and I want to say that you do matter. I hope you find some hope - even alittle to shine a light into the darkest spot you're in right now

* sending you strength * I hope you have a change of heart

11 replies
blissedNblessed OP January 17th, 2022

@mytwistedsoul

Yeah...um...I had a total breakdown. I am much better now ( just embarrassed). I am letting my therapist go - she Refuses to let me talk - not kidding. She opens wounds but will not process them with me. I ask for help talking, she shuts me down. Today she actually told me to retreat into denial for a while and later down the road think about talking :/

I did find another one that looks like a better fit but I am so weary now about opening up and trusting, but I sent her an email anyways. I am not giving up on myself. Something clicked when I read her almost all negative reviews! I realized it wasn't me - it was her. She is not helping and as the reviews said, she is more harm than good. I flipped into self-advocate mode. I told her today it is not working. We are going to officially end this on Tuesday, our last session ( seems pointless to me). Honestly, I might just text her tomorrow and say I am through and do not need a session to do that.

I hope that you have been doing alright. I am sorry I flipped out and lost my shit :(

10 replies
mytwistedsoul January 17th, 2022

@blissedNblessed I hope you're not too embarrassed - no place better to have a breakdown than on a mental health website if you ask me :) I'm glad you're doing better

Wow - it's good you looked into her alittle closer and saw her reviews! And it's awesome that you and your friend looked into other options and even got in touch with them allready! That says alot about how determined you are! It - Idk - sounds like shes in therapy for the wrong reasons or something. Maybe she only covers more minor traumas? Its a good thing you figured it out now before you got too invested with her or spend too much time and money with her and she did more damage to you. I'm glad you stuck up for yourself - cause it sort of seems like she doesn't have you're best interests in mind. Just deny it? You talked to her about it - out loud - the box was allready opened - now just deny it? Wow - talk about messing with your head and sending mixed messages

As far as I'm concerned - there's nothing to be sorry for - you're human - you're under alot of stress and strain. We all freak out sometimes ya know? So no worries :) I'm just glad you're doing better *fist bump*

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blissedNblessed OP January 17th, 2022

I had a break down. I am so embarrassed that I spewed it so publicly here in my journal and all over cups. To be honest, I am embarrassed to even come back to 7cups at all. I wasn't going to. I deactivated my account and I was NOT going to come back. But there must have been some part of me wanting to, or knowing I would be okay - eventually, because I did not delete it.

My therapist has been so harmful to me. I expressed to her through written word, out loud , emails - on and on - over and over: I need to talk about the traumas and emotions. I need help doing so. But all I was met with was that she didn't want me to become " distressed". I could not wrap my head around this. We discussed one memory - one. Yet, we never processed it and it was raw , leaking and oozing into every area of my life.

Last night was my total meltdown ( hahaha, yes, worse than this public one on cups) - I was at THAT edge. Apparently, and luckily, I did come back from that edge. Today I looked up my therapist's reviews online. And it was NOT me in the wrong - her reviews were ALL but ONE - negative. Multiple people had said she caused more harm to them than good. And it clicks - I am NOT damaged beyond repair, I am just trying to process with someone who will not let me do so and is so unhelpful to the point of me blaming myself for it.

The kicker is when I told her, again, I needed to talk about the memories and FEELINGS associated with it and actually PROCESS them and not let them fester and she replied to me ( I am not even being sarcastic nor joking): That I should retreat into a denial phase for a while, then, later down the road, we will think about talking about it. WHAT? Are you kidding?

So, a friend and I had been researching psychologists that are trauma based and I found one I think will be a good fit. I emailed her tonight , describing my needs and issues and asking for a consultation to see if this would be a good fit. ( Enter abandonment fears): I hope she emails back. It said she was taking new clients.

I apologize for flipping out and having a breakdown so publicly. If I triggered anyone, I am so sorry.


2 replies
adventurousBranch3786 January 17th, 2022

@blissedNblessed I had a therapist 30 years ago who tried talking about traumatic abuses with me and I had some public meltdowns. So I hope that you won’t feel too embarrassed it is completely understandable.I think in my case the therapist realized that she was in over her head and she stopped the therapy. I hope the next therapist will be a better one. I’m glad to see that you are back! ❤️

1 reply
blissedNblessed OP January 17th, 2022

@adventurousBranch3786

thank you for sharing that with me - its good to know others have meltdowns because of therapy and talking about abuse, too. ( Sorry you went through that). I think this is very similar with my therapist - I think she is in over her head. she emailed me about now its okay to express all my memories at once with her - lol, i keep telling her thats not what i want. I have one ( last session imo) today. if she cannot express that its okay to share a memory at a time, and process each one and not stop until i feel i am done with it an come back to it as much as i need - then she is gone. I am just so weary of having no support.

If today's session is ALL het talking about what she feels is best and no room for me to talk about anything, bring stuff up, emote and process - she is so gone .

I am very much looking forward to talking to the new therapist to see if she is a better fit and can hear me and respect my needs. And even if this old therapist starts trying to listen to me - i am switching over to the new one. I guess I am using the old one now just as a safety buffer until I can find a good one.

I feel stupid for doing that - i just know i need Someone bc i cant do this alone.

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clare7199 January 17th, 2022

@blissedNblessed

I really hope things gets better. You do matter and will be in my thoughts 💓💓

2 replies
blissedNblessed OP January 17th, 2022

@clare7199

Thank you, your support means a lot to me.

I am hoping thigs get better - hoping i get that new therapist and she works out and actually allows ( its crazy the other one didn't) to Talk about stuff and helps me talk.

Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I am really glad that I came back.

I do feel better :) The self advocate part of me kicked in! still have flashbacks and all that fun stuff - but I am not giving up on myself. i am not going to stop trying and then get stuck here.

<3

1 reply
clare7199 January 18th, 2022

@blissedNblessed

I am glad that you came back 💓 I suppose some days are nice, some are just ok and most days must be overwhelming and upsetting. I hope you aren't hard on yourself for feeling the feelings that you feel. Please don't be hard on yourself. If that's ok to say. Emotions are messy. Dealing with trauma is messy. And there is no "wrong" reaction when processing trauma. It doesn't make you bad at all. How we react to our feelings when processing trauma, doesn't make us "bad people." I see someone who is really trying hard to deal with the cards they've been given. And its not fair at all that they've to deal with those cards. Despite that they're doing their best 💓💓

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blissedNblessed OP January 17th, 2022

I don't know why I thought of my old therapist I saw as a child - but out of the blue I remembered that she was a Holocaust survivor. And I remembered that she had had numerous interviews on TV because of it, a book and even a movie.( I wish I had appreciated such an opportunity to listen to her wisdom back then, but I was just a kid.) I was already on YouTube so I thought, hmmm, why don't I just put in her name and see what pops up - a walk down memory lane in a way. And I found an interview with her and watched it.

And I was transported back in time, just looking at her office in the background, remembering where I would sit and where she would sit and even the walk upstairs to her office. I remembered the way everything looked and smelled and even her voice. I remembered the games and toys she had, the doll house. The doll house. I loved it . She would let me play and always asked questions all the time, digging deeper into the mystery of me ( I was very closed mouthed). She would dig too deep with how I played with and how the " family" of dolls related to each other. I remember the FEAR that would rush over me, making me freeze when she started asking questions too close to my secrets. How I just stopped playing with the doll house right after that. " I dunwanna play with this no more". (Translation : You got to close, I am shutting down. I can't tell you my secrets.)

I remember telling her a few things, things I thought were normal - I was so conditioned to think abuse was normal. I would tell her something and then I just remember her freaking out and reacting so strongly. I was so confused - why is she mad about this? Am I in trouble? I told her that He slept with me, just in his underwear, in a sleeping bag. There is nothing wrong with that ( there is so much wrong with that - and of course , I didn't tell her what really happened in that sleeping bag. I wiped that clean from my conscious thought anyways.)

She freaked out, telling me that ____'s do NOT do that with their _____. She was so upset. I didn't understand. She asked so many questions. She told my mom. I thought I was in so much trouble. But nothing ever happened when I disclosed that information. It's my fault though, I never told her the more, part. If I was, " in trouble", for what parts I did tell her - I better close my mouth and not talk again. I remember never opening up after that, only playing games and not answering her questions - don't get too close. Never used that doll house after that.

Now I cannot stop thinking of what my life would have been like if I told. Would it have been better? Would I have ended up a ward of the state - some group home - aging out of the system ? Would I have been more independent than I am now? Would I have been able heal? Would I be less traumatized? Would I have made it out of childhood unscathed from then on? Would my mother have rescued me and taken me far, far away? Would I have been safe? Or would it have turned out the same way - after all my mom knew about it ( she saw it in person, she heard it from my therapist , she walked in on it, she saw the signs...yet never saved me.)

I am so angry at myself for not telling. I used to think it was my STRENGTH that I could keep the secrets, that I could shut down my feelings, I could keep everyone away , I could clear all expression off my face, I was good - I didn't tell. I have this deep feeling of ... grief over this. Years of hating my little me and my childhood me - HATE. But she was innocent, she was scared, she was hurt, she didn't let anyone in, ever - to make sure no one found out. She was ALONE. I want to hold her, embrace her, sooth her, heal her. Beg her forgiveness.

Random fact: She taught me how to do certain psychological tests, lol. Like, Draw a tree or a house and how to analyze it. I learned things like this from her - I kept the attention on making her teach me these things to keep the attention off my secrets. To this day I can never draw a house with a chimney because I do not want people to think I am isolated - lol.

So watching her today, listening to that familiar voice, seeing her office, was a mix of bitter sweet.


blissedNblessed OP January 18th, 2022

Thoughts on processing my session:

I do not know how to keep him in my life right now. I have been avoiding his calls and other peoples calls/texts in that family. And I feel GUILTY for it – that he will feel unloved or unwanted by me. That he will be hurt and that is my responsibility to protect him from that, even at my expense. I feel selfish. But I cannot hold a conversation with him or see him on Duo. I can’t even stay present when I am with him – its instant disassociation. And then I know he notices, and I feel guilty for that.

I cannot handle him giving me a hug or sitting close to me. If he accidently brushes past me and touches me, I freak out and my knee jerk reaction is to jump. And I worry he notices and again, I feel guilty. He is still breaking boundaries, not respecting when I say I need to leave and makes me stay by getting angry to control me (yup, it still works). Or outright just saying, no you are not leaving now, you wait. And I do. Like a dog obeying. I feel I have no right over my life.

He doesn’t even treat me right – and after all I have taken from him, his secrets I still keep for him, how no matter how he treats me, I am still nice. And how when he gets angry is such a trigger I go right back to feeling like a scared and unsafe child. I am filled with such anxiety being around any of them and just want to run away. I don’t feel safe. He tells me dirty jokes that bring me right back to feelings of guilt, embarrassment and shame.

I can hardly breathe around his wife. I HATE her so much. She has been so cruel, and recently I am remembering that she had also abusive to me in THAT way With him – just a few seconds, glances of memory of this – then I freak out so bad, get SO terrified that the memory just stops, and I am flooded with fear.

It takes days, after a visit with him/them, to feel normal and safe again. But I don’t even have my own personal space in this house where I live – no lock on the door, not allowed. Where is my personal space? Why am I not allowed it? It reinforces me feeling I am just a thing. And I hate how they can text or call, at their whim, and I feel obligated to stop and answer right away so they don't get angry... and invite them into my life, my personal space that is supposed to be safe. And if I do not answer or text back, his family says I am being selfish, that he is hurt, and it is my fault. Which also reinforces my own sense of responsibility for him and guilt.

He comments on the way I look; my hair is messy and ugly, or he likes my clothes , or I have lost or gained weight, I look good or I look bad– he has no right to talk about my body like that – he lost that right when he did what he did to me. While talking about how I was forced to do those things by threat of force really hit home. It was his anger that compelled me, every time. He controlled me with his anger – his anger, his abuse, his words, his cruelty.

And this REALLY brings up the other He. He was the violent one, the physically rough and acting out in anger on me. He was not angry at me – he treated my body with such hate and anger. I am so terrified to this day of him and he’s dead. And I hate how I always feel compelled to do what anyone wants from me, even if I hate it and don’t want to – this I learned from them. I feel like I lost my right to have a say to what happens to my body. I endure it and wait to escape and be safe. I do not feel like my body is mine. I cannot connect or sit in my body – it is too frightening.

And I am angry at how I have been treated. How anger was used to hurt me and against me and how it still controls me. I cannot tolerate anyone yelling at me – or watching or hearing people fight – it takes me right back to feeling like a child, unsafe. Always unsafe. Even criticism triggers me back.

And he was supposed to love me – maybe he does in his own way, I think he does. But where was the love growing up? I only remember abuse. Even the good times are saturated with abuses of some kind – there was never an escape.

And it makes me sick to my stomach. To think what he did, and because of who he is. There was no one to protect me because the people in my life that were supposed to protect me were hurting me. Except my mother. But then I have issues that she let this all happen, and she knew what was going on – I know she did NOT know the extent of it – but even once is too much. I felt / feel like I am just not worth saving.

And how she handled the situation, with the bar of soap – even though I was crying and begging her to stop – that there was so much pain. And she shoved that bar of soap in me anyways, and so roughly. I know that was not abuse but it felt like it. It felt like trauma and abuse all over again right after the other abuse happened. I felt there was no one safe in the world. I felt like I was being punished for what I did and for who I am.

And this is so embarrassing, but I know the body sensations - some of them, the feelings, what happened as a little me understands it - but ,as an adult, I do not actually know nor how to word, what happened to me. I do not know what to call the act itself because I can not translate it and i honestly don't know what that was - what did he do? My adult self can't understand little me.

blissedNblessed OP January 18th, 2022

Here it comes - I can feel it : the day after therapy crash. No, not crash, more like feeling my body is stuck on a wall and the tide comes in, thrashing me up against the wall until I no longer exist. That doesn't even make sense.

Ahhhh...I can tell, I can just fucking tell. I slept with my stuffie all night. I woke up at 2 am with a nightmare and couldn't get back to sleep. Tried to join a group discussion on cups to get my mind off it but so damn paranoid that ppl were making fun of me ( god, I am such a crazy ass bitch). So I had to leave the room.

I can physically FEEL the emotions rising , like a physical sensation that gets stuck in my throat and I feel like I am choking on it. Or, thats a body memory - but i think its my emotions - idk. I am not the best judge of wtf is going on right now.

i feel the need to cry , not just cry but full body heaves and snot and everything type of cry - but i am holding it back. i cant wake up my aunt.

this morning has been, until now, this all pervasive feeling of , i was just lying to my therapist, nothing happened, there was no abuse. i cant even hold a memory in my mind that FEELS REAl. but i know they are - so fucking real...and its just under the surface and growing and i can feel it but do nothing to stop it.

i dont even want to be on cups - i cant think straight - but i dont want to be alone. but i am alone on cups. im just typing away at my journal like the basket case i am. maybe not basket case - LIAR. maybe i am a liar, nothing happened. but it so fucking did.

i dont know if i have to puke or cry, maybe both - and i am so fucking damn cold - nothing can warm me up and i hate this. and that feeling of choking on my emotions are still there ( is, is there). i hate it.

something is coming. its probs a memory.




blissedNblessed OP January 18th, 2022

I knew something was coming, looming, on its way and yes indeed it arrived with a bang. Another fucking breakdown , no, more like a meltdown, no...more like a freaking Major temper tantrum! This day is such shit.

I don't even know how this started ...lemme think, its so hard to think. I need to plop this down here in my journal so i can look at it and understand it and try to keep this from ever happening, again. Hahahh, good luck bliss, you can't control when your triggered. ( Enter long strand of cuss words, self hate and belittlement).

I do so much for my aunt. I care for her - she can do a LOT for her age and is capable of caring for herself but I do the cleaning, the cooking, keeping her company, organizing her things for her. I used to do all the errands and shopping until the drs told me i need to stay at home. I do a lot for her, im always concerned for her and helping out, dropping My stuff to do things for Her. But, she treats me like a child, quite literally.

I would like to say, that's just her age - but it's not - she has always been like this: Controlling ( overly controlling - I am not allowed to have a lock on my door ( I am a full grown adult), she goes through my purse openly and believes since I live in her house, she has that right. She doles out, " punishments" ( again, hello? I am an adult) but changes what they are and why she is giving them.

There is no consistency - such a damn trigger. Controlling me, such a damn trigger. Her punishment's are taking things that she does help me with and I DEPEND ON, AWAY FROM ME, CONTROLLING ME WITH HER EMOTIONS MAKING ME FEEL AND SAYING THAT, i AM RESPONCIBLE SHE FEELS BAD, ( sorry, caps locked and i just cant retype that).

I work for her - I do not get paid, i am her companion and kinda like a caregiver, too. She gives me room and board. She helps me pay for medicine and dr appointment co-pays. But, lol, not without at least 10 minutes of berating me for asking, first - im not kidding. Every dam time, in public or private. It doesn't matter. It is so toxic, emotionally, here.

I do not even have my own personal safe space here. she says, its her house and if i don't like it, i can leave. Well, i cant leave - who will care for her? and who will help me out..i am flat broke bc i cannot work right now. I have 0 money. And I am not getting paid for helping her all damn day. fine, whatever...but i can't leave - id be homeless. She knows this, its another way to control me and have me conform to her wishes at all times. And she withholds money from me if I am not compliant to her.

I cant handle this! And today after the body memories that came up, two of them ( fml), the aftermath of processing and talking in therapy, the impending break down and just not feeling present . what started this, lemme think, its hard to think...i was in such a bad place. I ( we trade - i clean for her and " earn" getting my needs met.

I have this tiny little fall jacket I have been wearing all winter because my winter coat got moldy from sitting in the trunk of my car since the fall. the washer broke and she refuses to get a new one because she uses the cleaners - i cannot afford the cleaners, plus, andi am sure this has to do with past abuse and violations - i can not handle people going through and touching my personal clothing - it feels so violating. I used to use the laundromat but now i cant because of my health.

This is so embarrassing, but i wear the same clothes every day until they are so dirty i just toss them out - then move onto another outfit that is clean, repeat the process. yes, i will eventually run out of clothes and no money to buy new ones - but there is nothing else i can do.

...so, i order to have her take my winter coat to get it cleaned at the cleaners, i had to do a, b and c , cleaning. fine, im used to this. So, i did it. I need that winter coat - it is so damn cold. Then, this am, she adds onto it, x y and z to do, i order to get the jacket - it is not fair. she cant keep changing things up and adding on and delaying my damn coat - its so cold.

And she spoke to me like this worthless child - ordering me around, belittling me. Changing rules and punishments. Something got triggered so deep in me - this terror and frustration of never feeling safe or getting needs met and begging , always begging to have people stop being so mean. She, at the time, felt so abusive - it triggered all the feelings from childhood being abused and I lashed ut and freaked out.

I was crying and begging her to stop doing this to me, that i can't take this, im going to break. she didnt care. Then she kept adding more things i have to do , in order to get the dam winter coat cleaned. i was just drowning.

And boom, it happened: i went right back to feeling like a hurt child , being abused. I know she was not abusive ( well, um..toxic and inappropriate though) but my feelings were way far off into childhood land. I felt I was unsafe, begging for them to stop, danger loomed in every corner...and this bubbling anger at how everyone treated me. and i went off into temper tantrum land , yes, like a freaking two year old - on the floor, crying, throwing shit, telling her please just let me have my coat, i worked for it - BEGGING and crying. and she just was this stern faced controlling bitch. And kept making add ons and not caring that i was at my breaking point.

Then she told me unless i shut up and stop crying or talking, ill never get it - i snapped. i told her she could do anything to me, hurt me, i dont care. and shes like, if you can shut up for 10 seconds ill let you go clean and have the coat later. and counted the seconds like i was a fucking child - i am an adult.

and before i was aware of what i was doing, I grabbed the siccors on the table and self harmed at each count of ten in front of her - you would think she would see my pain, but no: she laughed at me and said, " good".

I was gone - no longer in the present, way past the time i could even ground myself - i was IN the past. lashing out at everything. literally crying and begging. Nothing was real - nothing was the present moment. i was shaking so bad and for over an hour after all this was over. It was not about her anymore, it was about the Hes. About all the swirls of abuse, pain and chaos and lack of being safe, ever.

I ran out of the house, and drove to a random parking lot to just , breathe and collect and try to ground - even the smell of the wind was in the past. everything was the past. trapped. hurt. abused. worthless. helpless. I tried grounding and nothing worked.

I eventually came back to her home ( Her home, I know it is not mine and I can be kicked out at any time she sees fit). Took a double dose of my anxiety meds - which i am really feeling now. But my body is calm, my mind is swirling. I can not ground myself.

I had to fucking apologize to her and she made this BIG performance of being mad and hurt, even though i told her i accidently took an extra dose of meds ad that why it happened. she didnt care. Then told me More cleaning she wants me to do . its relentless.

Thank god she left to go out with her friend because if not, i was going to lock myself in the bathroom - the only door with a lock, and bring in my blanket and stuffie and laptop and phone and was going to hide in there, all damn day.

I am so physically exhausted from the meds , body just stopped shaking, and i am s-l-o-w-l-y Just starting to feel more grounded and in the present. But I want to cry , cry and scream but what's the point?

I am getting worried that these meltdowns are happening more and more frequqtly. i know this is part of healing, the messy upheavals and triggers . i know i am strong enough to see this through to the other side, but im worrying i am losing my mind. I wish they would have just killed me as a child.

I dont know how i am going to be okay today, i have no idea. everything is so raw and threatening.







1 reply
blissedNblessed OP January 18th, 2022

@blissedNblessed

and I am scaring myself with all this self harm I have bee doing. I was self harm free for 5 years, 5! But I get triggered - and I go right back to it, not always even knowing that I am doing it - its like a knee jerk reaction. I dont think I can call myself self harm free anymore. Because I keep coming back to it when i am distressed and i hate myself for it - i was so proud of quitting that. I guess I am a self harmer , again. Will I ever not be? I have bee doing this since I was eight. And the longest period of time without it was only 5 years. I hate myself. I hate the world. I hate my family. I hate everything.

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mytwistedsoul January 18th, 2022

@blissedNblessed Wow :( she sounds like a real piece of work. I'm sorry you have to deal with her and the things she says and does to you on top of everything else you're dealing with. When it rains it pours right?

I've been thinking about your coat. Without it you will get sick :( I know you said about the laundromat - could you wash it there but wait in the car? Or would you be able to wash it in the tub at the house? The other stuff you can wash in the sink. Socks and undergarments. You can use bath soap - not exactly ideal but sometimes it's better than nothing. Even a little dish soap can do it - bleach too if You have any there. Just use hot water. Baking soda and vinegar help with moldy stuff - Google says anyway.

I'm sorry if these aren't any help either

I'm sorry too - to hear about the SH - and her reaction to it and man - I am really sorry you have to deal with her - it's amazing how cold and uncaring people can be and the way she's taking advantage of you - even if she does let you stay there - I wish I had some advice to give you. Try to take some deep breathes - maybe allow yourself some things that bring you comfort - the weighted blanket and a stuffie? * sending you strength* I know it's not much

11 replies
blissedNblessed OP January 18th, 2022

@mytwistedsoul

It sucks living here, it really does - but im used her treatment of me . i dont like it, but im used to it. Except today, apparently.

drs said that unless its absolutely necessary, to not be out in public - around other people that is. so i cant do the laundromat - too much of a health risk for me right now. but thats a good idea about sitting in teh car - if washing clothes at home do not work , i am going to end up taking that risk.

ive tried washing clothes by hand but she makes me wash them in this TINY lil bin. and they just kind sit in their own dirt like a bath and dont realy get clean, not even enough water in the bin to get them clean. maybe like you said, socks and undergarments in the sink and rest of the clothes in the tub! if she doesnt like it - fuck her, i cant do this anymore, i will run out of clothing.

i cant use bleach, even though that would help, its a past abuse trigger and i cant keep losing my shit - lol. thanks for the tip about the vinegar and baking soda! and thank you for googling that for me. this helps! but i EARNED that damn coat - she can follow through - and i think she will, for the coat.

i just dont understand why entire family HATES me so much! it just reinforces that i am just this worthless thing, not even human, that only has worth if i am meeting some need for them. im trying so hard to process trauma and feelings and thoughts and heal from all of this - and its just always being reinforced. is this eve a futile attempt at healing? im hoping one day i heal enough that i rise above all of this. i can hope.

i do feel a better, not great, but better. ugh, i dont remember the last time i felt great - that in and of itself is so depressing. i took an awesome nap with my stuffie and favorite blanket. it was perfect. it really helped.

its just so hard to hang onto even a shred of self worth when i am told and treated like im not worthy, every damn day of my life.

one day when im strong, emotionally and physically, im moving out and so far away from all of them - and i am never looking back nor leaving a forwarding address and changing my number - ahhh, only in my sweet dreams - i feel too guilty to ever do that :(


10 replies
mytwistedsoul January 19th, 2022

@blissedNblessed Isn't sad - that things go on so long that we can just say we're used to it? Yeah - I didn't think of that being around other people and the risk it would pose. You could try washing things if you use the shower - just scrub them quick or wash them when she's not there maybe? Idk how well she keeps track of stuff or like if it would make a bill higher that she would notice. I know it is harder to wash pants and shirts that way and if you lay the stuff in the sun or if you can hang it outside it dries unless - she would notice that too probably - maybe your room with a fan? Even a ceiling fan helps. Sorry I'm sort of stuck on clean clothes. I can totally understand that bleach would be a trigger. I hope you stands by your agreement


Its sad - that people think people are only good to be used - people who are supposed to care about us - people we share blood with but they treat outside people better - they see them worth more then their own family. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I don't think you're worthless - they're just blind. You're doing what you can to heal and the past few days you've taken some big steps - yeah you may have stumbled here and there but you're still moving forward. And one day you'll be where you want to be

It's hard to hate when there's such a strong feeling of loyalty - even towards those who caused us the most damage

I'm glad a nap helped - even if it was just alittle bit

9 replies
blissedNblessed OP January 19th, 2022

this is just a test - i keep getting 404 forbidden error, im trying to see if im blocked from even posting :( If I am not, i have to scour to see what the hell they think is inappropriate.

blissedNblessed OP January 19th, 2022

@mytwistedsoul

im so sorry, i wrote this detailed reply back to you and its saying that error and i have said nothing wrong. I have deleted, re-added, delated other things - tried everything. I can not keep doing this over and over but i really want to reply to you :( I just cant keep doing this and getting that fucking error message!

2 replies
mytwistedsoul January 19th, 2022

@blissedNblessed Hey no worries! Don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what they feel is written wrong. I'm finding certain words and even the way a sentence is praised can do it. Which drives me nuts and seems really childish on the sites part *smh*

1 reply
blissedNblessed OP January 19th, 2022

@mytwistedsoul

in a much better mind frame now - going to try to reply now, lol - now i have the patience to battle troop error 404, bwhahahahahah

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blissedNblessed OP January 19th, 2022

@mytwistedsoul

Here goes try #16,482 - lol. Let's see if it lets me freaking express myself now. ( I was honestly thinking I might have been banned - lol).

I'm going to do this - it's a great idea: wash the clothes in the tub! The bin she gives me is so small that there is hardly room for any clothes and never enough water - its crazy! They just sit and soak in their own dirt :/ We still have an old drier that works - so it won't be difficult to dry them.

I will be getting that coat on Tuesday - it's dam cold until then and I do my therapy sessions in my car so I have privacy :( I will be putting on the heat and bringing a blanket!

I get the coat not until Tuesday because she is paying for them to sew a rip I had in it. see - stuff like that, paying to sew the rip in my coat makes me feel GUILTY ( misplaced loyalty) for being upset with how she treats me. Makes me think I should just be grateful she does what she does for me ( also though, her words I repeat to myself - an internalize the abuser and spit it back to yourself kind of thing). I am aware she mistreats me - not abusive I don't think, but still, mistreating me at times.

It is very saddening that that family is supposed to love us, be gentle with us, protect us, show compassion and stick up for us - yet - they are the ones that just turn out to hurt us the most. Makes me feel, what's so wrong with me that even my family hates me. I feel i have no worth unless I am fulfilling a need - no value or human status alone.

Thank you for reminding me of both my worth and determination to heal. Yes, we both stumble, hard at times, but we get up, brush ourselves off and push forward! We will both eventually be where we want to be - there is no doubt!

Okay, crossing fingers it lets me send this.

4 replies
blissedNblessed OP January 19th, 2022

@blissedNblessed

It's a miracle - it let me send a message - roflmao

mytwistedsoul January 19th, 2022

@blissedNblessed Yay! I've had times when things just either wouldn't post or it wouldn't let me on at all and I think - oh crap what did I do? Or say - something must have got me kicked off lol! Then I think of the point system they're supposed to have and I wonder how many points I have

I guess it takes time for the cleaners to do things? Which Tuesday is better than not at all. I know it's been really cold here too! Maybe let the car warm up alittle before your appointment if you can

I understand what you mean with your aunt - at the same time - it should be kind of a give and take relationship - but I know that can be hard too depending on both people I guess - she seems like to likes to have control and hold things over your head - I don't think it's wrong for you to get upset with how she treats you - I really do understand that loyalty though - even though I'm aware of it I can't seem to drop it fully. I hope one day she can see you and be grateful that you've helped and taken care of her - but I also know that sometimes people never do but that says more about them then it does you :)

2 replies
blissedNblessed OP January 19th, 2022

@mytwistedsoul

Ahh, I didn't know about this secret point system!!!!! 🙈 Hahha, I wonder how may points I have accrued, too! * bites nails* What happens if you reach the max points???

Do you still have lots of snow by you...or is it just really cold? And yup, going to throw on the heat ahead of time ( I checked today, I have enough gas). And I am bringing a scarf and a little blanket to curl up in for extra warmth ( and comfort).

It is really kind of absurd that I have these telehealth therapy sessions in my car - lol - but honestly, there is NO privacy in the house. Plus, I feel I have to hide or whisper when I talk in the house - secrets, shame and all of that. I actually once tried to have a session in my closet - roflmao.

Thank you for pointing out the TRUTH that some people just can not see and be grateful for all other's do for them - but yes, it's complicated because she wants her independence and it is ever so hard to admit to yourself that you need help. I do get that and try to be sensitive about that.

She really is not a horrible person, she does not treat me in the way I deserve to be treated - but she does have her moments that seem to make up for the bad ones - but this is also the "cycle of abuse", huh? Mistreating - then a honeymoon period where they make up for it. Then back to being treated like shit. ( the abuse cycle in regards to in relationships, not in SA) .

There was a shift in her today - I opened up to her today about He treats me like an object to fill his needs and I have no worth unless I am doing so. Like how I exist only to serve him, in a way. She wholeheartedly agreed. I didn't tell her anything about the abuse though, and I do not think I ever will. ( She doesn't need to hear that - there I go, maintaining responsibility over her feelings - geesh, I need to work on this).

But today I Finally took a stand and I refused to be treated like an object - I threw that right back at him, I am not holding this anymore! And I am not responsible for his feelings about me not taking this role on, anymore.. . a constant needing to work on this until it is second nature.

I am actually going to do a post on this and how this happened and this massive shift that happened and how I actually found some self worth! I will tag you in it, if that's okay.

Yuppers, it should be give and take with my aunt and it is not. She clutches control over me in every way possible and if I resist or express my needs - she just says its her house and if I don't like it, I can leave. I NEED to work on this - somehow, but I am not sure if she is willing to change or budge at all. But I know at least I can change my responses to her - so hat's a little bit of possible change, right?

And omg - today I dumped that misplaced loyalty! With He and his family!!!!

1 reply
mytwistedsoul January 19th, 2022

@blissedNblessed Yep! I tried to find the thread about it but couldn't. I don't worry about it too much tbh - I think you have to do some really bad stuff or the people who see it have to be concerned about it enough to actually report it - plus you're an old guard *you've been here a while* so they would hopefully check in with you and see if you're ok or need a break. Which I think is what they have you do with the points - unless it's really bad then they ban you for good I think 😬

Alot of snow melted today - we had 15 inches but we had a heat wave today and it hit in the forties! No worries though - they're calling for more snow tonight and its supposed to be 15. Friday night they want it minus 7! I hate winter lol! Definitely bundle up for tomorrow

It sucks that you have to have them in the car for privacy but I can also understand the need for it too - these are supposed to be private and you can say what ever you want or need to - k owing there's someone nearby who could be listening wouldn't be good

Ok - that makes sense and might explain some of the way she is - she's older and having to admit you need help is probably hard for her to do. Maybe it makes it easier for her to do by thinking of you as just help? Not that its right at all but old people can be kind of funny in their ways lol! I'm glad you opened up to her alittle and I know it would be hard to share anything about the trauma you went through and are still dealing with - and how you're kind of protecting her by not telling her? But maybe one day - it might help her understand you better? It might help her understand your reactions to things she says or how she says it - no pressure of course - that's a choice for you and you alone :) But yeah - it can help with to watch how we react to things - which is hard if it's triggered something but learning to watch how we react can help diffuse alot of things - very much a work in progress for that on this end lol - but we've been working on taking that wonderful pause before we react - sometimes 😋

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blissedNblessed OP January 19th, 2022

After all I went through this morning with my aunt being over controlling, sending me back into the past and to little me - the sheer pain she witnessed - she is up to the same shit again. Being overly controlling.

I needed something ( a need, not a want)...so I earned it by doing the cleaning tonight that she wanted me to do. The she sat there and INSPECTED it, as if I am a child or I will purposely do a bad job.

Then she sits there, in her chair, reading her book for an hour after I had earned it. Saying, you can wait until I am good and ready.

Sometimes I think shes trying to hurt me with these punishments. ( It WAS a punishment for my break down earlier). I know she knows this hurts me. And she did it with a smile - a smirk on her face.

This time I did not react. I am holding a frozen orange. I took anxiety meds. I am staying focused and present. And I am doing this with sheer willpower out of spite for her.

And then, to make things even worse on this terrible day - I had a very life changing , horrifying flashback and then more memories about it and putting pieces together ( that narrative of self protection falling, and I can see clearly about her and how she was abusing me, all the ways she did and the extend of it if ( i know there is more but thank god there's so much resistance - its protecting me. I made so many excuses for why it didn't happen or downplayed what did. A horror story is unfolding before me - so disgusting that I can not even process it right now and had to push it out of my brain, so very far away, in order to salvage what's left of my sanity today.

blissedNblessed OP January 19th, 2022

I woke up to a MUCH improved mood today! I am so grateful for that! I am not sure how many more shit days in a row that I could handle. I actually was able to put in, on cups, that I was feeling " good" today - I do not remember the last time I was able to do that!

It really helps that I KNOW that the day after my therapy session come the breakdown. ( And the day of therapy starts the oozing out, the building of the breakdown). I am going to start thinking ahead and trying to plan out some emergency self care and go - to coping skills for the day after.

This upcoming session, tomorrow - will be an emotionally packed one - I am going to discuss with her, 3 BIG things that came up from processing the memory last session AND telling her about the little me temper tantrum. I KNOW, without a doubt, the oozing will be awful and the day after's breakdown will be even harder than the rest.

The following day, now labeled as , Break Down Day ( lol), is busy for me. And, a different aunt of mine's birthday , so I will have to fake happy ( And sane) to make sure she is having a great birthday and give her a call. It will be difficult to get out of my mind frame and fake happy for her - but at the same time, it will be a good distraction to focus on her and not, me.

What I really need to do are find some grounding coping skills because I seem to always get right back to the past and get stuck there. I tried every grounding I knew yesterday, but nothing worked - so I am a little weary. But, Something Has to work, right?

Maybe I will discuss this plan in therapy tomorrow as well. Hahahah, not enough time in one session to discuss Everything I need to bring up - lol, I will take notes to make sure to come back to what we didn't discuss for the next session ( not like there will not be more that comes up and another breakdown to discuss - just hopefully the coping skills can alleviate some of it. It feels like a never ending cycle that I can't even keep up with.