My Silent Voice (Diary)
My notes for today: Fake people with Fake motives yet they are the ones you are suppose to love and care about??
It is so hard to change me when daily I face the same unproductive crap that keeps feeding on my Traums's How do you get out of this dark hole when everything around you keeps dragging you into this pit. I never knew Love and I've had to make my pain my pleasure and find Happyness in it. Makes me wonder are some people born just to endure torrment and abuse. I trive as I just want to survive, The saying we all have the right to life and the pursuit of happyness. I'm still looking, still trying to find what should already be mine.
ScarletPear1945
I'm by your side as well❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 Hey you ❤️ You've been in my thoughts today. I hope this is ok but I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday. Kind of lousy timing with what's going on with your husband
I tried to keep it low-key ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
This is one of the reasons I love you my brother😊.
They took Melvin off life support today, they still don't have his heart rate regulated yet but he is better and he told me he wanted his pants so he could go home😊. I told him he would be there for a while longer. The Doctors still are uncertain of what is going on. Thanks to everyone that said a prayer for us.
@WorkingitThrough2 I'm so glad he's doing better! ❤️ I really hope they can figure out what's going on and get it fixed up for him. I hope he keeps improving ❤️
Try to get some rest for yourself while they're taking care of him ok? Please? 😊 I love you too ❤️ You'll both be in my thoughts and a few extra prayers can't hurt right?
@mytwistedsoul
He is doing pretty well, he is still having issues with breathing and is still coughing up blood. They now feel like his medications caused him to get Pneumonia in both his lungs, and that the heart meds caused his irregular heartbeat beat so they are changing all his meds. I may be able to get a caregiver to help me after this.
I am just unable to physically keep up this pace for both of us. Thank you for the prayers❤️
@WorkingitThrough2. I’m glad to hear that he is doing better. I hope that you will be able to get a caregiver to help you 💜.
@WorkingitThrough2 It would be so nice if you can get a care taker now. Someone to help you because I agree, it's too much for one person to handle and I'm sure he's not going to make the job any easier.
@WorkingitThrough2 You've been in my thoughts the past few days. How are you? How are things with your husband?
*sending you lots of love* ❤️ ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
He is doing some better but symptoms are returning with a few new ones. I called his nurse a few minutes ago to inform them. His doctor appointments are clashing with mine and it is hard to reschedule in a timely way if you cancel. I have got to take care of myself no matter how selfish it may look.
@WorkingitThrough2. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself, it is a necessity. We can only do are best.
@adventurousBranch3786
Thank you, I was feeling guilty especially because he is a but most of the time but now he needs me and my emotions are surfacing causing resentment at times and a desire to pay him back but that is not who I am so the war goes on in my mind. Trying to keep positive thoughts afloat.❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 I agree with @adventurousBranch3786. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. You can't be expected to look after someone else if you're not at your best.
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you too, you know when people take you for granted, then turn around and need your help, it puts a sour taste in your mouth. Yet I keep rising above that and try to do the right thing. It causes an internal conflict. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you is what the Good Book says and I try my best to put my good foot forward at my own expense.
@WorkingitThrough2 Oh gosh, I know exactly what you mean. The fact that you are trying to rise above and put your best foot forward says a lot about you. All of you, really because you're all better people than the people who have caused you so much pain. Maybe it would bring some comfort to remember that the people who cause others pain and turmoil will one day stand for judgement. It doesn't excuse what he and others have done to you but sometimes knowing that they'll have a price to pay helps make the taste less sour ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
I had to call EMS this morning to take my husband to the hospital. His nose started bleeding and then, he got to throwing up gubs of bl.....od. He lost a lot but they admitted him to the hospital. I just got home a bit ago.
@WorkingitThrough2 Oh no 😞 I'm so sorry to hear this. That must have been so scary (terrifying). He's in good hands with the doctors and nurses at the hospital. How are you holding up? Take a moment to rest and catch your breath. Sending you lots of love and strength ❤️❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 Thinking of you ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
He is still in the hospital. They are going to try to take the nose pact out in the morning and see how he does. He says that he can not stand up without getting short of breath and passing out. They think he is faking, and I don't know. I have gotten sick from in and out of the Hospital, I feel really bad. I am trying to doctor my self but rest has not been easy to get with phone calls and stuff. I had been waiting for an attorney to show up but he never came so I am going to try to lay down for a while.
@WorkingitThrough2 They think he's faking it? Omg what is wrong with them? How do they explain all the blood? What purpose would he have for faking it? That makes me angry. Not at you of course but the doctors. It's absolutely ridiculous the way they're thinking
@WorkingitThrough2. I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you and your husband are doing.
@adventurousBranch3786
Thank you for asking❤️. We are kind of okay. Things are still up in the air, but he is at home now and as usual, he is milking this like a cow. However, I have to not let him become an invalid. He is not giving me time to recuperate from all the running back and forth to the hospital. My body is tired and I need self care. I think he got used to the hospital catering to all his needs but he fails to realize I am one person and I try not to get mad or say anything out of pocket but it is hard for me.
I am now having trouble seeing when I drive in bright sun or with car lights and I realize that I am soon going to have to give up driving and that really scares me as we live so far out in the boonies and I have no family just my daughter who works all the time. It scares me to think we will soon have to depend on her.😒
@WorkingitThrough2. I’ve been having difficulty with driving too. I rarely go out after dark. That must be hard living where everything is so far away.
@adventurousBranch3786
Branch, yes it is very hard. No buses, no sidewalks, and only one small country store within 7 or 8 miles. I have no family here but my husband has family but they have only been to my house once in 13 years.❤️
How are you? are you ready for the holidays? Are you cooking?
@WorkingitThrough2. That does sound hard. I get tired of the crowds in my city but things are close by. I better get used to the crowds.
@adventurousBranch3786
Wow, roast Pig, I saw a friend of mine roast a pig at a church gathering. a hole in the ground and the pig hanging on a stick over the fire. I did not stay long enough to taste it.❤️❤️
Chinese sounds good too, what is your favorite dish?
@WorkingitThrough2. That’s what he likes a whole roasted pig. It’s just the 2 of us and I don’t eat meat except for fish. I like vegetable chow mein or shrimp/ vegetable chow mein.
@adventurousBranch3786. *rest
@WorkingitThrough2 Just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas ❤️ I hope things have calmed down and your husband is feeling better and you're able to rest and relax. Lots of love to you ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you. Things are beginning to calm down and the husband is doing better. Thanks for inquiring.
How are things going for you? I know you are still involved with your dad's affairs. Are you about to see an end to it all?
@WorkingitThrough2 horn is not the intended for use in the lines of communication between individual objects in any attachments or other person did to me as a person who was on my list for the use of the earth was the only thing I would leave for the use of this message by you are not the intended recipient of this message and will just be a member of the recipient you will not be liked to have them on the contents of this message.
@mytwistedsoul
@WorkingitThrough2 Happy belated New Year! 🎊
@mytwistedsoul
Well, it is the 16th of the month and a new year. Boy, this ended with a rough ride, but things may be a lot better. My husband goes for his Watchman pre-op on Friday Morning. The procedure will be done on the 30th of the month.
He is an angel around the nurses but can be a real but alone. I have been having trouble driving in the bright sunshine so we have had difficulty getting transportation to his appointments. One good thing for me that has come out of his sickness is that when the weather breaks I won't have to pay for lawn services they are giving us one year free😊
@WorkingitThrough2 Hey you ❤️ Omgosh you definitely did have a rough ending last year. To hear that things may be a lot better is wonderful news! I hope his pre-op goes well and he's cleared for his procedure at the end of the month
@mytwistedsoul
I hate u. My lawn care always needs shear scissors. I dun want to be doing it
@mytwistedsoul
The Desk people must have gotten bad feedback from answering phones or not having many phones to answer at the usual.
I told it a task and it went and did it not people even existing on earth. I feel for either the .. I feel for the isolated tree. Dumb flower. Why are you even here? Wolf's Rain is sad. I feel sorry for and hate the dumb flower that's there. Contradictory is evil, don't give it love of either choices. The feedback of both is mental. My ssri will be ill on this subject. I think too much. Nvm. Ignore me. Bad day.
@GreenEasil00 Hello there :) I don't think we've met before. Are things better for you today?
@mytwistedsoul
My Lawndale is a great tool. It is the most important thing that can sever your life and you will not want to live with the world for the designated recipients who are not in the same place as you can get in the way of the earth.
Hello. I have quiet voice too. I been around foreign people and they have people cuz the melting pot is huge.. peoples voices die when abused to the extent of like no more conversation irl tho. I feel my workplace is like that . The extroversion is dead or is lacking lately. Everyone suffer. I had thus issue to begin with and everyone suffer as of nao time. It stupid. I like my diaries tho. Cuz I too scared of scary people hurting me. Idk.. when I encounter scary trolls irl it goes two directions I hate it or I just blow it off without thinking much of it anymore. But I know how u feel. I blame statistical trash of cultural Flux like everyone having a hormone or a much needed fulfillment from lacking giving world. Nvm and have a great day.
@GreenEasil00
I hope you have a wonderful day as well😊❤️
I am so angry that I feel like I want to punch my husband right in his d.........m mouth. I try so hard against all the sh....t I put up with him and still I try my best to cater to his needs. At the same time, he is making statements to anyone who comes here that I treat my dog better than him. I place his needs above my own and for what thanks do I get but to feel low-rated and totally out of context. What in God's green earth do I have to do to satisfy this man? I am not his maid his housekeeper nor his slave. He can do much more for himself than he does. I feel if I do everything for him he will lose his ability to do anything for himself. I asked him multiple times if he really feels like I treat the dog better than him and he always says no but he keeps saying it so today I fronted him right in front of the doctor to listen to what he is saying and how bad that sounds and the nurse said I know she treats you better than that but it is the fact that he is saying this to strangers maybe he has said the same to his family which may be the reason they never come around.
One thing for sure is that he can now start doing it for himself I quit. My dog cannot take care of himself he is dependent on someone to meet his needs. Husband on the other hand can, So what he has been getting of my time and efforts stops today and I don't give a rats anymore. I am sick and tired of feeling discarded and not worthy of being treated with respect.
I am human and I have feelings and saying you are sorry but keep doing the same things lets me know you don't mean it when you apologize. Now you want me to cook you dinner well that is not happening fix it your self. The nurses offered you free meals that you turned down because you think I am going to keep catering Like the hospital did, WRONG😡😡😡
I need self-care right now but my emotions are on fire right now.
@WorkingitThrough2 I think anyone in your position would be upset right now. Rightfully so. You have gone above and beyond for him. Taking him to appointments, setting up his appointments too I bet. I remember you saying about dropping or rescheduling some of your own appointments to accommodate his.
@mytwistedsoul
Soul, I am still in my emotions and still very angry. He has to go get his heart procedure at 7 am tomorrow. I am going to let him go alone. I am sick of the mess. He knows he has me over a barrel of dependency😢
@WorkingitThrough2 (offers safe hugs) ❤️ You've put up with a lot for many years. You probably have a lot of repressed anger towards him. What if you were to write a letter to him? You don't have to give it to him of course but you would be able to put your thoughts and emotions into words to get them out. Maybe that would help with some of the anger. Don't get me wrong, you have every right to be anger with him. He's taken you for granted. He's bad talking you to strangers and there's no cause for it. I'd be pretty PO'd too.
@WorkingitThrough2 Thinking of you ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Soul I could not feel right letting him go alone so I and his brother went but they still could not do the procedure because he had taken his Ozempy injection which would have caused a bad risk for the surgery process. I did not know he had gone and gotten that insulin. We are home now and it has to be rescheduled again.😒.
Soul thanks for your support. I often wish I could be as uncaring as he is but then I am kind of thankful that I am not.
@WorkingitThrough2 I wouldn't have felt right either. I would have been really conflicted though. The fact that you did go shows that you have a good heart. Even though you were hurt and angry with him, you were still there to support him. Didn't he know he wasn't supposed to take the injection?
@mytwistedsoul
I miss you❤️
I've been less able to be online since my husband took sick. I hate that, I miss hanging out with everyone here and especially with you. All of this added stress is taking a toll on my body but I can't seem to let go of all this. Not sleeping and half eating is wearing my body down surgery is scheduled for Thursday morning. Could not get him transportation for it as of yet; Guess I need to keep trying.
Finding clothes that are not to big in my closet has become an adventure. I had been taking them in but my thread broke and I cannot see to get it threaded again,
@WorkingitThrough2 Hey! ❤️ I was just thinking about you! Having to deal with all this would be extremely stressful. 😞 I'm worried that he is using all this so that you're always at his beck and call. I know he's been pretty sick and there's been some really scary moments for both of you. I had hoped he would have gained some new appreciation for all the things you do and have done for him.
This is my diary and has been since 2017, My user name has changed because they lost it and could not or have not connected me WorkingitThrough2 back to my diary. It is ok, at least they did not delete it, and that I am grateful for.
Maybe one day 🤷♀️
@WorkingitThrough2
Reflections:
I think that things are finally coming to a head about my life reflections. All of my life has been a struggle to be accepted or wanted or just someone who gave a darn about me. I have never been nor found this in the outside world. Not even with my fifth family. Put up for adoption almost after birth, Adopted into another abusive family by the age of 4 where I became the object of SA. Not only to my adopted family but to whoever they chose. Unable to gain the trust of any adult I endured the trauma. Then the adopted mother literally blamed me and shamed me for taking her husband. Outsiders became a part of this abuse and I could do nothing.
Down through all of these years I have never developed a sense of who I am nor have I yet found acceptance. I developed the notion that all adults were abusive and untrustable. What I missed was finding myself and my sense of self-worth. Afraid of everything, distrust all things, hypervigilant in all things. Emotionally dead, and unable to know what I feel or if I even have the right to feel what I do feel.
I find myself going above and beyond to meet other people's needs so they don't hurt like I have been hurt. When your parents reject you, that is major. I survived so much to find myself here online trying my best to support others who are struggling. It is no wonder that I have Alters.
I am so glad that 7 cups of Tea. For the most part, this has been my go-to place to find and give comfort to hurting people. For most people, they have no clue of how horrific trauma can affect people. For a long time, I lost my voice and I suffered in silence.
Blame and shame for someone's experience is cruel and sad. For those of us who try to make the most out of this life is not easy and the inability to find and get the proper care or help is like searching for a needle in a haystack, Unfortinily even here I was traumatized by a therapist I live with the words she spoke to me mulling them around in my head always doubting myself and my thoughts. Wasted money on therapies that did not even touch the surface of the path of healing. Hopefully, things will get better for the generations coming up now. The Pain is real the struggle is real. Recovery is slow, painful, and bitter-sweet.I detoured, tired of the hype. Exhausted and worn down. Just a product of society.
I have made some great friends here probably the only real people I have ever met. Thank you all and thank Glyn for this website.
@WorkingitThrough2 You were in my thoughts today ❤️ I hope everything went well ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
- hi Soul. Thank you for thinking about me or us😄. You really made me feel hopeful. The husband came home this evening, so far so good although he checked his sugar and it was 328. Why I have no idea because he said he did not eat the hospital lunch and unless he was in his room eating candy? He did not eat anything that I had seen since he got home. Anyway, I have been in this terrible resentful mindset and I am just not social at all. I've been trying to shake it off but so far it has gone nowhere.
@WorkingitThrough2 Does he do that often? Eat candy in his room? I know someone with diabetes and he does stuff like that too and it's so frustrating. His wife is always yelling at him for the things he eats that he shouldn't 😕
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you I need all the help I can get/ I am not sure if I told you that my Insiders are coming to life again after being so quiet and still. I am uncertain if it was Hortence or not things were just so different. She was sad and said she was hungry, She was eating paper balls. How sad is that? but I have no clue on how to process this; Do I give this person in my head real food or fake food? Now of all times, they seem to be coming active and I have no clue of how to handle this. For some reason she remains in the forefront where I can see her looking through my eyes. Weird weird going on.
@WorkingitThrough2 You could try to ask her what she would like to eat. Maybe explain to her that if she's hungry she doesn't have to eat paper balls. Or offer her a few choices. Is she the one who likes peanut butter? You could offer her a peanut butter sandwich. With or without jelly. Or the marshmallow fluff Omgosh my littles absolutely love the marshmallow fluff. If she is using your eyes you could allow her to scan the cupboards or pantry to see if anything catches her interest. Maybe she guide you to what she wants.
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks, Soul, I discussed this with my therapist today and she said some of the same things. I still struggle with acceptance of them. Plus the fact that I can not talk to people about them for fear of being called a crazy person which has happened in the past.
