My Silent Voice (Diary)

@WorkingitThrough2 I'm so sorry. I know you said they like to drink and party but dang - they had a hard time getting the money together for her funeral and now they're planning to rent a hall for a memorial. I can't imagine that's cheap to do. Why not have something somewhere smaller and leave alcohol out of it? I'm just so sorry that they've got their priorities so backwards ❤️ Maybe you can have a celebration of life for her? Maybe you and your daughter could? I know everyone kind of has their own way of doing things when it comes to someone's passing. Maybe you could plant a rose bush in her memory 

We said goodbye to Taz a few days before Thanksgiving. The house feels so empty now and at the risk of sounding cold and heartless. We grieve her passing harder than his. The emotions involving him are so twisted and confusing

I did have the chat. It means a lot to me to have that space for that hour each week. I just wish she would at least apologize for the tone she uses because I don't think I deserved that but maybe I was just being too sensitive 

@mytwistedsoul

Soul, there is no way you were being too sensitive. I experienced the same and felt just as you do.❤️

I am so sorry about Taz. My Max is acting very strange, too, and his appetite has dwindled to almost nothing. Even his favorite snacks he is refusing. He is running away, hiding to keep from being bothered.

I am afraid he is winding down very soon. As for the mess with my sister, I am done. I am so emotionally numbed that I don't know what or how I feel. I am feeling lots of inner turmoil for some reason. I don't really understand what is happening to me either, I feel like just being a child and doing things that little children do. However, then part wants to just cuss me out and antagonize me for feeling and acting this way. Yet there is also another part that feels like the H....l with all the madness.

I totally understand your mixed emotions, and they are quite normal for the circumstances❤️ I am sorry I left the chat early. My body is so worn down from all the catering I did for everyone. Now, I'm trying to recoup.

My husband had a doctor's appointment yesterday, he said I had to take him, and then we got there and found out his appointment was November the 2nd, I got so mad at him, but they worked him in after a few hours. Now I guess I am going to have to be in charge of his doctor appointments and go with him another added responsibility to put on my list. The never-ending story, I guess.

Where do our responsibilities end???   Wonder why we are half crazy😂

@WorkingitThrough2 It's sad that we automatically start thinking that we're the problem. Or that we're taking things the wrong way but I've read it a couple of times and it just didn't need said that way

@mytwistedsoul

Thanks, Soul,. I always look and watch for a post from you. I have no one else I can share much of this stuff with, and you are so special to me. Always got a kind word to give everyone. It makes the world look a bit more promising.

With the insiders, there seems to be new activity going on. You may be right about a new one surfacing. I know it might sound a bit crazy, but I think one of them is using my eyes to look out of. I can see them when they move close, and that is so weird.. They have not been very active for a while, and now they are getting very busy. I have been losing time or days, and I can't keep track of which day it is. Sleeping out of the norm at unusual times and sleeping very hard. Maybe the body is just recuperating🤔.

About my husband, that is a whole other story. I was *** about having to sit in the car and wait for hours on him. Then, today, he told me that he messed up his other appointment for Monday, so I canceled my therapy so I could go with him to see what the doctor was saying. He hit the wrong button to confirm his appointment, and he canceled it. He then tried to call them, and he said he never got anyone on the phone. I could have kept my appointment, but now it can't be rescheduled.

The only reason he wanted me to take him was so that he appeared to be helpless😂. Well, that is my opinion. Do you think that you will get another dog? They make such good companions?

@WorkingitThrough2 Thank you ❤️ You mean alot to me and I treasure you and our friendship. It wouldn't be the same without you here ❤️ I'm so grateful I met you and got to be friends with you

@mytwistedsoul

Today was the day they were supposed to have my sister's memorial; how about I got a call saying that her husband had gone back to the state where she died? No earn was left, and he got her check and left. Her daughter was on her way to the Memorial they got in a car wreck and totaled the car. No one was majorly hurt, thank God. This is the biggest piece of bull.........****I have ever seen. For the first time, I have really cried over this. How can you say you love someone and let this happen? he was her husband. The money that we did send and that they raised was used or spent somewhere else. I am so distraught over this, and yet I have my own mess to deal with.

One thing that has happened is it made me reflect back on my mother. When the doctors told her she had one week to live. I thought we could finally be friends or a mother-and-daughter relationship

But no, she continued to abuse me on her dying bed; then, when she lit into my husband, I said is it die in your mess? We are going home. We traveled over 300 miles to be with her. Hospice asked if I was going to pay to have her body sent to the mortuary, and I said heck no. Donate her body to science, which I said out of anger and hurt. Now, with this and my sister, I have resentment and shame for my feelings and for walking away from my mom at a time when she needed sympathy.

I hope God forgives me for that. They asked if I wanted the earnings shipped to me, and my statement was, "She did not want to come alive, so don't send her to me dead". How awful was that? I am ashamed now that I see this in my sister's death. So now I recognize the errors of my way and pray for God to not hold that against me.

Really looking at my life in a different way, Soul.I really needed to vent out what I was feeling right now. I just want to cry, but I am afraid if I do, I won't be able to stop.

I don't mean to dump this in your lap, with you having had two losses. But if I don't talk about what I am feeling I feel like I am going to bust wide open. I tried to get a listener but I just could not talk to just anyone. So here I sit in a stupor of volcanic ash. Needing to be rescued.

@WorkingitThrough2 You're not dumping anything in my lap. You're sharing with a friend ❤️ 

Oh geez. I can't believe he could do that to her - to someone he's supposed to have loved. To everyone really. To just take the check and leave everyone hanging. To not even take the urn there and at least show up. That's really a low thing to do. I'm glad her daughter and noone else was majorly hurt in the accident.The last thing anyone needed to have happen today. I'm so sorry all this happened. After all you did to help them get her final arrangements taken care of. All the information you put together and emails. This is so sad

I don't think god will hold any of this against you in at all. I think it's understandable how you reacted and the things you said. You were hurting. You went to her with hope in her final days. To make amends - to want a connection with her. It couldn't have been easy to make that trip. All the thoughts and anxiety and anticipation you must have had. Maybe instead of seeing that you walked away - maybe you can see that you showed up for her? The fact that you made that trip says so much about how beautiful your heart is. I know you're probably struggling to see that - especially right now with what happened with the loss of your sister and what her husband did. Some people have - idk - revelations? when they're dying. They become gentler more loving. Like they turn over a new leaf I guess and then other people can stay just as cold and cruel as they always were. She could have just been grateful to have you there ❤️

Maybe looking at it that way can help ease some of the bad feelings? That you showed up

You always welcome to talk about anything and everything. I'm not just here for the good times. I'm always here if you need someone to listen ok? Try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts ❤️ sending you lots of love

❤️

ScarletPear1945         TW

This Diary Belongs to me @WorkingitThrough2

My @ ScarletPear1945 account was lost. Can someone please connect the dots and put my diary under the New User Name?

IT got lost back in December when the site was updated. I have tried 7cups Support with no success.



THINGS ARE CHANGING INSIDE AND OUTSIDE

I don;t understand what is going on inside. Time is standing still on the outside. This has been the longest day of my life that I can remember. I can't figure out why/ Not sure if it is being caused by anxiety or stress. Maybe I am blending. Or maybe an alter is doing this. I'm sleeping so hard I don't even hear the phone ring. Am I depressed? Time is standing still.

We need to create a new home form everyone to share

@WorkingitThrough2.     Thank you for all the great work you are doing for the trauma community as forum supporter! I admire how you support people here.

@adventurousBranch3786

Branch, Thank you so much❤️. How are you doing?

@WorkingitThrough2. I am doing alright. Looks like my partner and I will have Chinese food on Christmas Day.

I don't know why????????

I am here going through all my notifications, and as I read them and reply where I need to, I have this overwhelming desire to break down and cry. I don't know why. I don't understand what these feelings are. I can not fix what I don't know what or how.

I am struggling to stay uplifted, but it is like I am losing this fight and getting my but beat. If you don't even know how to put words to what your insides are experiencing, you can't fix what is broken. What do you do? I feel so superficial. Drowning in my own mess.

Just telling you, diary, My truth, my struggle. Yet I desired to help others and not wait too long to get professional help if I can find it and can find someone that helps and does not hurt them.

Home alone, Max and I, no groceries. The husband lied and said he was going to the doctor on Christmas and that he had an appointment. Do I look like a D***fool? I called the doctor's office and found out for sure that it was closed. I called his cell phone at 2:00 and told him the office was closed. It is now 4:37, and he has not got home. He is grown, and he feels he has to lie.

@WorkingitThrough2

He had gone to his family's house to eat dinner while I sat at home by myself with no food either. But I had a frozen pizza I cooked and burned up, so I ate the top of it and threw the rest away. When my daughter got home, she brought me two plates of food. It was very good. Then, my husband came to my room to ask me if I wanted a piece of his three slices of cake, and I asked him where the cake came from. He said from his brother's house. He could have brought me food from their house, but of course, it never registered to him to think about me. So when I said I was not cooking and I hoped he had a TV dinner, it was just the same way that he does me. I had hoped he would have thought about his actions and would do differently. No such luck. I feel so puzzled inside about how to deal with him without falling into the trap of getting even or paying him back. Frustrated with being treated like a maid or some uncaring person. He brings out the worst feelings in me. I am trapped in this vicious cycle like a hamster on a spinning wheel going nowhere fast. How do I move forward in a life that is just miserable and unable to change? I try hard to accept my fate, but it is not an easy place to be. The trap, Catch-22, no resolution. Dementia on top of his own junk makes my life feel like Hades. My therapist says I am still in the Trauma daily. The only way to fix this is to go into a homeless shelter and give my dog up. For me, that option is unthinkable. Those are poor options. My health is beginning to suffer from the height of this stress, but I keep wearing my mask as though things are fine, and that is far from the truth. I often think I was never meant to be in this lifetime, and that is the reason my life has been such a mess. Trauma at birth, and it never has stopped. You can not heal from what you live in daily. Who has the answers? My brain has just shut down, and the inner people seem to want to surface out of their darkness to the surface where it would not be good for me or any others on the outside. I feel that against my own will, someone inside is trying to blend into the outside while drawing me into their space inside. Their place might be a whole lot better than mine. But the rage that Thunder has and can and will exhibit would be costly on everyone's end. Got to keep the inners in and not allow them to *** to the outer world. 

@WorkingitThrough2 Hey I'm sorry he did this. It was a pretty ridiculous lie - there's no doctors offices ever open on major holidays like today. Was he upset or anything? I mean I know he has dementia - should he be driving alone? 

Kind of bad timing but - Merry Christmas ❤️

I'm so sorry - you're absolutely right it's not an easy place to be. There's no consideration of you. It's upsetting that he doesn't even give any thought and just leaves you alone all afternoon :(

@mytwistedsoul

Twist, I feel like a rat, that nobody likes.. but this one is very cute. My husband just used the doctor as an excuse to get out of the house since I did not prepare or buy food to cook for dinner. Why? Because we never made groceries. I do get tired, I am not a maid or servant. It's all about what he wants when he wants it, but giving back little just makes more and more for me to do. Almost like he feels I got to earn my Keep.

@WorkingitThrough2 Well I definitely like you ❤️ I think you've done more than enough to "earn your keep" over the years. He sounds like he has a very old mind set. Like from back in the fifties - when women were supposed to wait on men - tend to the house and the children and do it all with a smile on your face and a song in your heart. The world isn't like that anymore but he seems to still think it is. His family probably adds to those thoughts he has. It's not right and it's not fair to you. And he is missing out on - you. Because you're so much more than what he wants to think ❤️ 

@mytwistedsoul

I am so ready to throw in the towel of this marriage I can almost taste it. 52 years and each year gets worse. O physically and emotionally am fell up to the brim. I just don't want to go in a homeless shelter. I know that I can not afford a decent place to live that would feel safe to me on my income alone.

A therapist told me that qw always have a choice. We may not like the choices but we do have one.

I guess that I am too messed up to make that choice. neither option would result in me being happy. Which outweighs the problem. Why can't I just walk away?

@WorkingitThrough2 That therapist is right. There's always choices but sometimes those choices suck. A homeless shelter wouldn't feel safe either. I don't think it's that you're too messed up to make a choice - especially when each choice is crap - ya know? Each choice has a price to pay. It's easy for people say to do this or that when they're not the ones facing it. And if neither choice would make you happy - sometimes it's the devil you know? 

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you, Soul, for your understanding. Because I am married to him, and his income is so high, It disqualifies me from any assistance. I would have to divorce him, and that requires a year of separation even to do that. Then, I would lose all my benefits, such as medical and the portion of his income that I receive. That is why there is so much at stake to be considered. My husband is the type of person who likes to do spiteful things and likes to get even down to withholding my money until he decides to give it to me. On the other hand, I never ask him for my money cause then he would feel like he has the upper hand in every way. So I do without and keep my mouth shut, and he comes around a lot quicker cause he sees it is not affecting me. He is unaware that I stash part of my money away every month for such times as he nuts up. I have money to do most of the things I want. The Lord multiplies it so I always have more than enough for myself and to share with others.

You are right about how the economy has gone up, and the price for just renting is outrageous.

It is just so hard ever to feel joy or contentment. My attorney has told me my case is rare, and so far, they have been unable to help. The VA tells me not to divorce him. All the help agencies say divorce is the only way they might be able to help. So you see what I mean catch 22, D***if I do and d***if I don't. I can not ever remember being happy. Don't I get a turn? I can't imagine what I have done to deserve this life. The Trauma keeps living. It makes me wonder if I am not lying to people who come here looking for answers and support that I may be contributing to building false hope or if I am really lying to them🤔. Is healing really possible???

I hate saying all this stuff; I try not to, but then I get so full I feel like I am going to burst if I don't.

@WorkingitThrough2 Oh holy cow - it really is a catch 22. That's crazy! You have to give up everything and have nothing to get something resembling any help from any of the agencies. That's not right at all. You can tell the people who made the rules and stipulations have never been in a situation where they needed help of any kind

I had an encounter with Precious for the first time in a very long time. I am not sure if it was a dream or what. I am so ecstatic about this encounter with her. She said she did not want to be called Hortence anymore because it made her feel bad. She gave me some information about some fragmented portions of a part of my life that I could not make sense of. This is so amazing.

Why has she chosen to come and talk to me after all this time? But she explained something that happened when she was three years old. We were in a car going to Chicago on the interstate. Iran, Mrs. Evans, and a man. She and Irene were in the back seat. When my car door came ajar, and I was falling out of the car onto the interstate, Irene had to grab our arm to hold us in the car. We were screening, and Irene was holding our arm very tight. The man driving began to slow down and move to the side of the highway as they got me back into the car. We were scared we were going to get hurt. That man turned around to us in the back seat,  and said for us not to not move.

Precious shared all this with me. Wow, amazing. She came out and talked to me. It was our first real conversation, with no fussing or crying. I don't know if something happened to make her come out, but this meeting was very good. I asked her if she had a bed, and she said no, she sleeps in a cardboard box. I wonder if that is why I like making these doll houses of cardboard. Fascinating

They have not been very active since that therapist messed them up. Hope they don't start roaming around at night again and taking things from me😊. I had no fear this time, and It felt that I was more eager to accept her. I don't understand why now, and I really think this is crazy, but it was nice to converse with her.

@WorkingitThrough2 Omgosh this is wonderful news! ❤️ I'm so glad you got to talk with each other! She shared with you ❤️ This is a wonderful step in the right direction and shows she's more trusting towards you. Hopefully this will lead to the others trusting more and being willing to talk with you

@mytwistedsoul

Yea, I think it was good kind of because I was not scared this time, and she was not crying this time.❤️.

Jamie must be doing a pretty good job at being her guardian. Or maybe it is because I have been under more stress, or they are getting more active, idk.

Melvin goes in the morning to get his patients put in his leg. just one then the other later. Thursday, I have to take my car to the dealership to have some kind of recall part put on my car, which will take half a day to do. So this week is pretty full.

@WorkingitThrough2 That's definitely good! ❤️ It could be all of these. Maybe they're starting see how hard you're trying for all of you. The effort you're putting into building a relationship with them and gain their trust. Are you able to talk with Jamie at all?

@mytwistedsoul

His surgery went well. Lasted longer than expected. They found one blockage area, and they were able to open it. I have been asking Precious about Jamie. She said he was taking care of her, but he has not spoken to me anymore. I will say this: they are up to old tricks of moving things and eating stuff. Now, it almost seems funny to me that they, or whichever one is doing this, have started up again😊.

The recall on my car was some anti-theft device. Stemming from something off of *** involving young people doing. This is the second recall for this issue they have done.

I have not had therapy since before the Holidays and I am starving to get back to therapy to tell my therapist about my breakthrough with Precious.

Have you been able to get your dad's estate stuff done as of yet? It must be very hard not to have the support that you need from your dad's wife. My mom did the same thing to me when she died.

You are better than me because I refused to handle any of it. I am here for you to when or if you need to vent❤️. Thanks for checking on me.

@WorkingitThrough2 I'm glad his surgery went well and they were able to open the blocked area. That must have been pretty scary for you ❤️

I am startled by something I just heard Precious say to me. Got my head freaking out a bit. Precious just called me Mommie.?

I am not her mama, am I???

If she is a younger version of me, how in the heck does she think I am her mom? I can't get this thought to settle in my spirit. I am at a loss. Now, what do I say back to her to let her know that I am not without making her upset? Oh Lord, am I losing my mind for real?

This does not compute. Now I wonder what or who do the others think I am. I never even thought to ask that question. I need my therapist..

I can't focus at all🤔

@WorkingitThrough2 It might just be how she sees you at the moment. In a way you are a parental figure. You love and care about her and would protect her as you would any child. But the answer to you question is no. You could explain to her that you're not but that you love her as much as if you were but I would talk with your therapist first and see what her thoughts are. Because like you said you don't want to hurt her or upset her but you don't want to lie to her either. It's times like this when it all feels so complicated ❤️ 

I have been noticing more triggers are occurring, and I know why, but I can't do anything about them.

I am triggering myself. The very thing that I loved in my childhood by my abusers, is now my reality.

as I age, I am beginning to see my veins bulging up from my skin. I guess this is the process of aging.

So now what? All or most of them have passed on but here I am still struggling to heal. Years and years with their baggage😒

@WorkingitThrough2 *offers safe hugs* ❤️❤️ 

@WorkingitThrough2 Hey you ❤️ it's been a while since I checked in with you. How are things in your world?

@mytwistedsoul

Soul, thanks for checking. I don't know how I am. I think something is going on Physically.. I have been to the doctor, but I got a lot of weird things going on. I am sleep-deprived, anxious, unstable at times. Losing days of time lapses. Lack of desire to focus on anything. Can't stay focused.

Maybe a phase or maybe it will pass. So I don't know😟

@WorkingitThrough2 *offers safe hugs* It can be hard to know how to answer that question with so much going on in the back ground. I'm sorry all that's happening - I know it can be hard

@WorkingitThrough2 Just dropping off some hugs to let you know You've been in my thoughts ❤️ 

@WorkingitThrough2 Thinking of you ❤️ 

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Soul, I am Going through the same mess again with my husband, and I am seeking legal attorneys to try to help me. Not going well.

the internet has not been working we had a virus on the network. So I have not been here. I am so stressed out it is affecting my health.

@WorkingitThrough2 Oh no - I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this again with him. And that it's not going well. I'm guessing the lawyers are telling you that there's not much they can do? It amazes and disappoints me that they can't find some way to help you with your situation 😞

And then to have problems with the Internet which is your window to the world. Is the company getting anywhere with the virus? All this has got to be beyond frustrating ❤️ You'll definitely be in my thoughts and I'm sending you good vibes and hope that things get figured out soon ❤️❤️