My Silent Voice (Diary)
My notes for today: Fake people with Fake motives yet they are the ones you are suppose to love and care about??
It is so hard to change me when daily I face the same unproductive crap that keeps feeding on my Traums's How do you get out of this dark hole when everything around you keeps dragging you into this pit. I never knew Love and I've had to make my pain my pleasure and find Happyness in it. Makes me wonder are some people born just to endure torrment and abuse. I trive as I just want to survive, The saying we all have the right to life and the pursuit of happyness. I'm still looking, still trying to find what should already be mine.
ScarletPear1945
@mytwistedsoul
You are so right. To me, this is one of the reasons that I, me, and we are here, Mental Health Help. This is so much more added to my own conflicts and issues. This is not the first time this has happened to me. Makes me wonder if it was not done on purpose?🤔. I hate to feel that way but this happened during their updates to the site way back in December and I have still not got my account back and I am upset with that. I have tried over and over to comply with the things they have asked me and yet no one seems to give a rat but because it is not their issue or account.
@WorkingitThrough2 I really hope it wasn't on purpose. You've always been so kind to everyone and a wonderful addition to the site. I didn't realize it's happened to you before. That is concerning. I know they can find things. I had my threads deleted awhile back because of some issues. I was told they could be restored but it took months and months to find someone willing to put in the extra work. Everyone else I talked to kept telling me it couldn't be done
It is getting close to my deceased son's birthday. I must make time to go put some flowers there.
I am wondering if this feeling of sadness is coming from within or if it is part of grieving for my son.
Wonder sometimes what life would have been like had he not got killed? would we be close and loving or would we be estranged? would he and his sister have a good relationship? I guess I will never know the answer to those questions.
Missing you son. yet hoping you are at peace because you sure never seemed to have had any on this earth. I know life was very tough for you in so so many ways. It can be so easy to get off track at times, but like Mama use to say to you: "EVERYTHING THAT SHINES AIN'T GOLD, AND EVERYTHING THAT GLITTERS AIN'T NO DIAMOND". Maybe now my message is a bit more understood.
I Love you son.❤️🙏🏽
I don't think I have preferences but, I feel like taking a deep sleep on 6, 2's shoulders. Dunno where he's at cognitively though. Probably not a good idea ATM. Hope he's still in a healthy relationship.
@redNorth8233
Idk if anyone's watched ep. 4 from jigoku shoujo but like that neighbor with a platter of cherries due to keeping her window screen open, I'm feeling it.
They both are creepyashell but hope the dog gets a good home.
@WorkingitThrough2 You've been in my thoughts ❤️
*Sending you hugs*
@mytwistedsoul
Hi, I am ok I guess. Going on what seems a roller coaster of a ride with insiders and home "ISH"....
I feel so distant and scrambled right now. Nothing hurting just down. Thanks for checking. I have even been avoiding this site. Lack of sleep and lack of even wanting to eat which I know I should cause I am Diabetic, But I just do not want to...😕
@mytwistedsoul
@mytwistedsoul
Hi, I am ok I guess. Going on what seems a roller coaster of a ride with insiders and home "ISH"....
I feel so distant and scrambled right now. Nothing hurting just down. Thanks for checking. I have even been avoiding this site. Lack of sleep and lack of even wanting to eat which I know I should cause I am Diabetic, But I just do not want to...😕
@WorkingitThrough2 I'm sorry to hear it's such a rollercoaster ride right now. *hugs* I know that feeling all too well lately. Do you know what's causing it? Stupid question - sorry. Guess if you knew you would be working on fixing it
TRYING TO FEEL BETTER, BUT I AM STUCK.
I regret my relationship, yet I can not change these circumstances without worsening things. I feel so trapped, and yet it is even more than the relationship that seems to be strangling me. My relationship with my husband has never been very favorable. Maybe because I was never in love or never allowed to get to know this man I was coerced to. Yet, because of my mental challenges that I was undergoing, I accepted this relationship as what I felt would be my protection against ever being abused.
If guys saw a man around me, I thought they would not be too apt to mess with me. My assumptions were wrong. Because my new husband had no backbone. I found myself having to stand up for both of us. He never shared much with me about his family nor about his experience in Viet Nam. He has been so withdrawn he never interacts with the family and stays in his room on the computer or watching tv. I feel so alone. Although he is here, he is not present. Now he has Dementia, and things are getting worse daily.
Which is causing many triggers to be set in motion. Leaving me feeling I have no time to handle my own mental health issues. I have tried to change my perspective on so so many things, but I am so tired of having to walk in someone else expectations and not being able to focus on my own mental health. I did not ask for any of this, and I am so upset that all this has been caused by others at my own expense of recovering.
I am angry that everyone keeps trying to tell me that I got to change the way I look at things or find ways not to let it get under my skin; how in the *** is that going to work when I deal with some form of this dysfunction daily?
Day after day and year after year, it is a never-ending story that is never resolved until life ends.
Just suck on this pacifier now.💢
@WorkingitThrough2
What the heck am I supposed to think when I buy everything needed in my house only to find that things are disappearing, but no one knows where things are going? Am I crazy or really stupid? Why can't someone admit they are doing this? Towels, sheets, pillowcases, and silverware are just missing when I keep buying more, and they are still disappearing.
Is my family trying to make me think I am losing my mind? Is this on purpose? I know what I have bought, and I know there are just three people here, and it is really we have visitors, so it has to be an inside job. Why won't they just come clean and stop lying? Are they giving the stuff away?
They would rather me think that we have a ghost in the house. I do not believe this is even the activity of insiders. How this kind of ish keeps my mental health torn up along with my own stuff? This seems so unfair, and for no reason. I feel like going crazy on everyone. I feel like I am slipping into the abyss or a place of unrecoverableness. I can't keep up this pace.💢💢💢
@WorkingitThrough2
had therapy today at the new office. I was very nervous and seemed like I was having an out-of-body experience. Something totally out of the norm. I could feel like someone else was close to the inside of my eyeball and it was like a shadow looking out of my eyes. I still had the feeling of tremendous anger brewing inside
@WorkingitThrough2
almost time for my doctor's appointment. Today I finished working on the screen topper for the sun shade for my deck that I made from PVC pipes. Still setting up the solar pool heater I made from watching a youtube video. I tried it out yesterday, and it works; the return water was nice and warm. This will only work when the sun is out, but we get a lot of sun. O have solar panels on my roof, and I don't have to pay an electric bill at all, and I think that is great.
@mytwistedsoul
I know that you are being bombarded with many things right now, but I need to tell you that you have my prayers for your father and your strength. Although I can not be with you physically, know I am sitting beside you to hold your hand or listen to your concerns. Whatever capacity that worked for you I am a true friend sitting here with you. You are not alone.
I got a great big Safe Hug for you
@WorkingitThrough2 *Big hugs back* ❤️ Thank you so much for your prayers and for being here. It's means a lot to me. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone. I'm so grateful for you my dear friend ❤️
The Pros and Cons of STARTING OVER AT MY AGE????????
Thinking about this really hard; done it several times in the past only to wind back at the starting point.
PRO LIST
========
Peace of mind, no one to yell and cuss at me, less work
CONS
The whole style of living would drastically change
I would not be able to support myself with a decent living
My fear of being unsafe when I am alone
I would have to let my car go
I would have no means to get to the store or doctor
Well, this just answered my questions. Just trying to keep it real.
@WorkingitThrough2 Hey you :) You've been in my thoughts the past few days. How are you my friend? ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
I am feeling really depressed, Feeling as if I will never reach true recovery. I feel as if I am losing myself
I feel as if my husband is really. taking advantage of me and using his Dementia as the scapegoat. I am tired of being used as the maid while he makes messes that he won't clean up, on yesterday I cooked dinner and he wanted green beans. Well they had a case of peas sitting on top so I called to him three times to ask him to come lift them off so I could get to them. I know he heard me I even went to his room and stated this again. He was there playing a game on his computer but he never came so I said if you don't come and get them out you won't be eating green beans. I cooked liver gravy and rice. I came and sat down on the couch. He went and got one can of green beans heated them and ate most all of them. I came in the kitchen because he thought I was sleeping. Fixed his plate stood in the kitchen and ate the first plate so I got up and saw what he was doing but I said nothing. Then I as if something was cooking cause I thought I turned the stove off. He said no that is from you cooking. I said that was 2 hours ago and that light would not still be on. Then he said oh, I cooked some green beans as he fixed his 2nd plate and goes to his room. My daughter had not eaten and he knew that. This happens a lot and we actually have to hide food to keep him from eating it up. This is so crazy I never have understood why he does this. Then comes and dumps his dishes in the sink for me to wash. I can't make him wash his hands and that is a fight. I don't know what to do
they are telling me it is going to get worse. I can't do this and take care of myself.
@WorkingitThrough2 I'm sorry you're feeling depressed ❤️ You have so much on your plate right now. It's not easy with the dementia or Alzheimer's. You're trying to find yourself while he's losing himself. It's as if they're reverting back to childhood. Which might explain why he doesn't answer when you call him and doesn't clean up after himself. And unfortunately it does progress and get worse. It's a lot of stress for family *you* I know with my grandmother we ended up having to put things up and away because she would get into medicines. It got to the point her keys had to be taken because she would get lost
@mytwistedsoul
I thank you for being here and listening to my bellyaching. I have tried to talk to different agencies but they put all the responsibility on my plate until he gets to a point where they classify him to need more help. They don't have to live with him and the help is nonexistent.
@WorkingitThrough2 ❤️*hugs* I don't see it as belly aching. It's stressful for you and as we both know stress doesn't do anything but make our inner world worse. Tbh I was afraid that was their answer. You're right. They're not the ones who live with him. They spend a few minutes with him and ask some questions. If he's having a good day he's got all the right answers for them - only to decompensate later at home when it's just the two of you 😞
@mytwistedsoul
Oh, you really nailed the problem down to the tee. I just am at an end of solutions. Thanks for listening.
I hate dumping on you when you have a heavy load with your dad and his health. But I am here for you anytime.❤️😊🙏🏽
@WorkingitThrough2 You're not dumping on me at all ❤️ I've never felt obligated or pressured to reply. You're a very dear friend and I'm always happy to listen to you *hugs* all either of us can do is just take it one day at a time and try to take care of ourselves as best we can ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
❤️❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 Hey ❤️ sorry I hope you don't mind but I've been thinking about what we were talking about earlier. Does anyone answer questions if you write them down? From what you were talking about in an earlier post - with the stove. Could that have upset someone? Scared them?
What are you worried about? You don't have to answer here - but what you're worried could maybe give a little clue. With crying - is there something that brings you comfort in those times? A weighted blanket? A stuffed animal? Even singing or humming a lullaby?
*sending you hugs and strength* ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
I am not sure what is happening inside, but for someone or two, it is a male and female voice that is asking me questions, and I answer them all. About 6 or 7 questions, but when I come back to myself, I can not remember any of the questions or how I answered them. I have tried to talk to my family about this, but they brush it off as I am crazy or either the devil is talking to me, and I need to stop answering him.
The little girl scrunched down in the corner has been crying so long and hard all she can do is whimper loud sighs. A light shines down on her, but she is drawn up in a corner with her arms around her knees, kind of rocking. The rest of the room is total blackness. There is someone I can't see a woman that is talking to me about the little girl, but all I can do is just look at her and not talk to her. It is as if I am bewildered and paralyzed.
I think she is coming up front lately, but when she gets close, I just begin to cry, and I can't shake that off. In the chat group twice, once with you, when I talk about her, I start crying and can't stop for no reason. When one of the people in the group began to talk,it rose up again. The crying is no reason that I know, but I can not control when it happens.
I feel like I am losing my freaking mind. Feeling overwhelmed
@WorkingitThrough2
I applied for Forum Supporter in the Trauma Group. Not sure if I will get the role or not, but this is an area that I can most relate. I hope that no one will have a problem with that. I pray that I can be a good asset.
@WorkingitThrough2 That's great! I hope you get accepted 😊 I think you'll do great! ❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 It sounds like they could be testing you. To see if they can trust you. It's hard for them sometimes I think - to come forward. It's hard to believe what's going on in our heads. We deny it's real - but we're also denying them. We think unkind thoughts or say things we shouldn't to them. We hurt them by not accepting them. But it's hard. Because life is already hard ya know? The things we're already dealing with are bad enough - then if you have to deal with DID it's just so unbelievably hard Unfortunately people can have a hard time with things they don't understand. It makes it even harder when we have to struggle to find the words to explain without sounding like a total headcase
