My Silent Voice (Diary)
My notes for today: Fake people with Fake motives yet they are the ones you are suppose to love and care about??
It is so hard to change me when daily I face the same unproductive crap that keeps feeding on my Traums's How do you get out of this dark hole when everything around you keeps dragging you into this pit. I never knew Love and I've had to make my pain my pleasure and find Happyness in it. Makes me wonder are some people born just to endure torrment and abuse. I trive as I just want to survive, The saying we all have the right to life and the pursuit of happyness. I'm still looking, still trying to find what should already be mine.
ScarletPear1945
DAUNTING EMOTIONS FROM WITHIN
Every time I think I am back in the piolet seat, something comes to uproot my security and sense of well being. Just as I felt I was placing my feet on a study stable ground I find that I am sinking in quicksand.
I well understand how Trauma can affect a person, but it's like a never-ending story in so many ways. Like a story that has been written that never seems to get to the plot. Yes, My emotions are running high and a bit out of control.
MAYBE TRIGGERS****PROCEED WITH CAUTION****
Took a 3 day weekend with my husband, for the sole purpose of relaxing and just getting away from all the demands that were running me ragged On the other hand, I guess my husband had other plans for the weekend away from home.
Arterial motives almost wrecked my emotional state of wellbeing He never mentioned his intents for taking me. But it sounded good to me We did not leave the state but rather found a quaint little hotel on the outskirts of our town. This was my time so I thought. As soon as we got checked in and up to our room. The first thing came out of his mouth as he grabbed the TV remote
They don't have HBO and I can watch no Porno. I looked at him in sheer surprise. Why do you want to see porno? that is something I never expected. Putting two and two together, this man wanted or planned a booty call weekend.
This just automatically sent my head whirling in flashbacks. I got real quiet and literally began shutting down, First feeling Panis, Fear, Anger than I felt this brewing rage bubbling up from the pit of my stomach.
My husband noticed the change going on within me and asked if he had messed up. I could not respond at that moment as he had caught me totally off guard.
I am going to have to finish this insert later, even now I am yat feeling my emotions rising.
@scarletPear1945 here wit ya Scarlet... process at your own pace, but do not let it hurt you. Take your time and try to stay as calm as you can.
@scarletPear1945
Thinking things over;
As I sit here and think about what happened and why my emotions took on a life of their own. Don't know how Lazerous felt being called from the dead, But that is how I felt. I spiraled so quickly that I did not realize I was gone into another zone.
Then the war in my head began to battle. Thoughts were this is your husband and you should be willing to be with him in that way. No, I said in my head this time is for me to have no demands to make of me. My husband did not want to just cuddle or just hold me in his arms. He wanted a return for his service. That of course was never a thought in my head. I know men have their needs and I use to out of a sense of my duty would perform like a trained seal out of the water,
I have never enjoyed it and I still don't, so why should I keep subjecting my self to the trauma? because it's supposed to be what the wife is supposed to do. You say you understand and yet you act as though you have no regard to me and how I feel and whats happening in my head and body when you approach me with this. I keep trying to bury my past but things cause it to resurface. Yes, I wish things were different but they are not. In an effort to be romantic you woo me with vain words and the hope that looking at sexual explicit movies will turn me on. How cheap and unthoughtful.
@scarletPear1945
I try to smile and act so cool and tuff-skinned by what you think is humorous. Then I draw into my self in silence as to keep kindled the fire within so fierce raging volcanic lava waiting to erupt. Sadness and anger pulsate through my veins as my body burns from within. I cry silently but no tears to fall. Tough skin, tough skin thicken within and let me not explode. Get the bucket get the pail douce me quickly before my lava I spill, God only knows the end.
MISDIRECTED BLAME AND ANGER; HOW DO I MAKE A MENTAL CHANGE?
As I have been mulling over and over some of the misguided and misprogrammed things I have allowed to become programmed in my head. One of these struggles is my relationship with God who is our FATHER.
My view of Father is so tainted that acceptance of God has been a real problem in my life. I know that God is so not like a man yet I still fail to be able to relate to this Love he is supposed to have for me. When you love someone you protect them yet he did not protect me. Yes, I am alive, I did not die. I breathe an I am. I am truly grateful for that. I don't want to sound like an ingrate but since he is an all-knowing God he already knows how I feel.
His word says to come let us reason together so this is my attempt to resolve a long time battle within. Change can only occur when a resolution is met and an understanding happens.
I visualize God as a man, not a man as I have been acquainted with in the natural but as supernatural. Yet in my head, I see my abuser and not a Savior. I realize this is the wrong view or image in my head but never the less it is what it is.
I strive so hard to grasp the Love and Acceptance of my Creator and try to cast down the false image I have by acting like everything is all good when I know it is not. I want to love and trust you but I am not there yet.
I am working hard to change but I need clarification so I can get my head straight.
I need to know your love, and why it is you allow so many things to affect our way of life without intervening. I realize that you don't owe me any explanations but I wish you would tell me so I could put this puzzle together and close this chapter of my book.
HOW DO I MAKE A LOVE CONNECTION???????????????
How can I connect myself to understanding this thing called love, when I have never seen love nor felt the emotions connected with this so-called awesome experience. How do you learn what you have never been taught? and how do you exhibit what you don't know?
Wonder what true love looks like and how it feels?
Wonder if it really exists outside of the Love of God???
HOW DO I GO BACK in TIME, TO ERASE THE TRACES OF DAMAGED TEACHINGS AND LEARNED PROCESSES THAT WERE WRONGLY thrust UPON MY MIND AT SUCH YOUNG AGE. ONLY TO REALIZE IN MY OLDER AGE THAT THINGS WERE NOT PROCESSED PROPERLY GIVING ME A DISTORTED VIEW OF LIFE. CAUSING MY VIEWS ON LIFE AND THE EVENTS OF LIFE IN A TWINE OF CASOS AND TURMOIL. GRASPING AT PIECES HERE AND THERE. STRUGGLING TO COMPREHEND AND RASHSIONIZE.
FEELINGS
I find myself lost within myself. Searching and feeling trying to find the exit a way out of the inner turmoil that rages within. Often setal the kettle still brewing as the liquid forces the lid to bounce up and down while whims of hot steam escape through its lid. I try to turn the heat down to allow the steam to settle but it is temporary, it does not last. The volcano-like lava awaiting to rupture knowing there will nothing withstand the fierceness that gets in its path.
When my lava kindles I am hard and beautiful to the eye. Transformed yet the same. Transformation seems inevitable. Destruction comes quickly, move out of the way. Don't want to harm you as I have been harmed. Move quickly and get out of the way. My inner man speaks for all to hear but they would not. speaking from the depth of the soul. I rise, I move, I exist. I breathe and I bleed I am not a weed. I live, I survived. I may be ragged and worn and somewhat disillusioned. I am not confused. Who then shall come forth and take ownership of this dastardly deed.
No one to claim this masterpiece. Shame riddle my being as I shrugged my shoulders. No not me, not today.
It's been building
emotionally and physically detached from my emotions in some way. Feeling Lost and Like things are falling in on me. Headaches, feeling like drifting out of my own comfort zone. A stranger in a land where I never should have been in the first place. Looking for my safe place and feeling it is no longer safe there, Nowhere to go. My mind racing with thoughts which none makes any sense to me. Brains like scrambled eggs. Talking to myself and stop take a quick grasp of air breath breath in and out take charge gain back your control you rule you are in control. slow slow slow down stop sttop.steady, and calm. quite it's ok calm calm deep breath.got to go , got to find my space hide and you will be fine hidde don't comeout just stay safe and hide
@scarletPear1945 hide till you are ready to step onward in your journey. Only you will know if and when that will be. But if there are more steps, i hope that you dont give up. You and your inner peace matter, Scarlet.
@PerfectStorm426
hey storm
god glad to see someone I know, feeling so lost right now.
@scarletPear1945 you and me both my friend. Just in general. I
@PerfectStorm426
thanks so much, I accept them and send you some to.
@scarletPear1945 Thank you. Ya know, all we can do is believe in our hearts that everything will resolve and things will be ok. Even if we are wrong, at least it starts us out on the right foot every day. But i know, with every day that passes, that faith dwindles
@PerfectStorm426
I am struggling really hard
@scarletPear1945 but at least you are pushing and that counts for something because you do not give up. I wish i had better words for you, i really do. Things for me have been quite dark so allot that i think of to say thats positive i second guess due to my current hell... i mean situation. All i can say, is that i know for a fact that you are an amazing and wonderful woman, and you deserve peace and happiness. And i pray that you get there. You were the first person that really touched my heart and got me talking on here (albeit almost not in a great situation at first) but it all worked out and if anything when you get down to it, me being here at all is because of you. I learned allot this past 10 months. Maybe too late but i did learn and grow. And i owe you thanks for that. For real. Dont you quit. Think thru it and focus. I believe in you.
@PerfectStorm426
Oh, Storm
You sweet sweet person. Your words bring tears to my eyes. Happy tears that I wish I could take credit for. Storm you have been with me at the start of my journey and Wize which I don't know where she is. Anyhow you have encouraged me all along my dark path and help give me the confidence to speak and share my voice so my story could be heard. Words could never adequately express our friendship and support.
We need more people like you storm. I know your journey has been hard to. I am here for you anytime day or night just call my name and I'll be there.
@scarletPear1945 i thank you for being here for me. And i am so glad that somehow i can help ya along the way. As for wize, her new name on here is @nonethewiser. She is around and about. Im sure shell stop to say hello. In the meantime, keep ur chin up. You aint alone. Thank you again for your kind words about me. It helps me too.
@PerfectStorm426. Ooops. @NoneTheWiser is our wize
hello, diary:TRIGGER WARNING
Sitting here it is early morning and I am yet struggling with inter emotions that I can not explain. I don't have a clue of what has me feeling like something has died. A strong feeling of grief. My eyes keep tearing up and I have a feeling like DOOM, I am not triggered nor am I thinking of any past traumas. Yet I can't figure where this is coming from.
I don't know how to stop this feeling. It kind of makes me afraid and very on edge My sleep is almost none existent. My head or my thoughts are cloudy. I've tried to distract my thoughts by getting out and going to church. It worked for a little while then came back after I got home.
I was given a few links to some self-help pages that I read through. Some of it I understood and some were above my head. I am beginning to think I am losing my mind. Not feeling very safe nor protected. Paranoia seeping in maybe for a lack of sleep. I got in my bed which I usually sleep in the open on my couch or recliner. The bed holes bad memories, Anyway I decided to try my bed so I could listen to a meditation tape. I was not sleeping, I had my headphones on and as I laid there listening. Something really weird happened it felt as if I was being seduced by something that was not there. I jumped up and it stopped. Tried one more time and it happened again. I took my hand and tried to stop it. I ran out of the room and have been afraid to go to sleep. I know I am not crazy. What the hell was that? Never had that ever happen. Am I losing my mind? I dare not tell my family about this. I don't know what to make of this
trigger warning.......trigger warning
@scarletPear1945 early morning and not able to sleep all contribute to the feelings of doom. For me, its feelings of regret which leads to doom. I also have a rough time sleeping in a bed. But with me being sick and blown back unfortunately i have to lie flat in bed. When i was very sick, this posed not much prob, but now that the fevers have lessened and the back pain remains, i lay there, fall asleep and have nightmares. I miss layin on the couch and watching tv till i crashed into sleep without knowing. But now, i gotta think about sleep. So, when u convince yourself that doom is inevitable, maybe you could treat yourself to a favorite drink or snack. Focus on the flavor of it. The smell of it. The JOY of it. Change doom and gloom to something positive. It may not cure it, but for me sometimes it makes it bearable to where i can control it. But yeah, i struggle with beds now too. Couch for me till i can tirn sleeping in a bed into something positive.
@PerfectStorm426
Thanks, storm: I drifted off to sleep for a few hours on the couch this morn. Thank you for not saying I sound like I am losing my mind. Cause that is what I was beginning to think.
@scarletPear1945 nah you arent Scarlet. What i have learned is that people with big hearts are always thinking. And since you have been hurt allot, well, we think about us, our lives, what we missed, what we messed up, what people did to our worlds, what they messed up. Being alone at night and thinking, well things can easily get out of hand and goin the wrong direction very quickly. Does not mean your loosing your mind-it means you care about your journey and maybe others journey as well, such as my situation. Ur all good.
@PerfectStorm426
Thank you, Storm, You are helping to think through this a bit better. Maybe stepping back and reevaluate this with a different scope.
Thanks, I know the sleep helped some too.
@scarletPear1945 o i am sure the sleep helped. Ya know, i was thinking more as i was driving up the road here after my last post a few min ago. See, i used to not understand panic attacks (not saying thats what happened to you last night, i know it was not but u will see where im headed) and i did not even know i had anxiety and depression and slight ptsd probably. But when i got upset or cornered or even just thinking at night, i would get angry. Really angry. I would lash out in rage at whoever was closest to why i felt that way. I would almost change to something else- kinda how you were feeling last night, 2 people in one space. As u know anxiety causes fight or flight and i would fight whoever or whatever caused my hurt. Sometimes (most times i guess) it was pointless if i just slowed down and looked with a different lense like you say. So possibly, this could me a manifestation of a reaction of something that happened recently. Who knows really. But you are gonna get past this. Use ur mind, your heart, and your faith.
@
Thank you
very good advice
Love you
Feeling a bit uneasy about the holiday. Stirs up lots of bad memories. One step at a time, slow and easy with self-care
Hey Diary:
Today is Thanksgiving and what a day it has been. I had no plans for cooking at all. My daughter decided that she would cook dinner for us. She had to wok the midnight shift so she started cooking at work and brought the food home to finish. Mac and cheese, dressing, cornbread, a ham, and sweet potato pie. Tuned the oven on and to our surprise it did no work.
We tried to find a store open to go buy a new one so she could finish the cooking but nothing was open so we went to friends' houses to eat. Must go out this morning and buy a stove. What a day. We also stood in line for hours for the Black Friday deals. Man am I wore out.
@scarletPear1945 How are you doing today?
@adventurousBranch3786
I am doing ok, Thanks for asking. How are you?
@scarletPear1945 Pretty good.Nice to meet you.I appreciate your kind words to other people.
@adventurousBranch3786.
Thank you, It is nice to meet you too. Only experience and love for all.
I would like to stop being cyberbullied on YouTube. I want to stop being threaten to be murder.
It has been a few years since I posted any progress or stalemates.
I have tried several Therapists here and around where I live. It has been an extremely hard process to find anyone that really seemed to give a f....... Basically, money poured down the drain. So once again I tried to go this journey alone failing miserably. Maybe because I was taking to big of bite.s that I could not digest. So now I have decided to start by taking one chump at a time. Gaining control and understanding just one piece of the puzzle of life will make a great difference. Getting real and honest with me and allowing all those numbed out hidden emotions to surface and deal with them and make peace with my subconscious mind to retrain my brain is now my focus.