My Silent Voice (Diary)
My notes for today: Fake people with Fake motives yet they are the ones you are suppose to love and care about??
It is so hard to change me when daily I face the same unproductive crap that keeps feeding on my Traums's How do you get out of this dark hole when everything around you keeps dragging you into this pit. I never knew Love and I've had to make my pain my pleasure and find Happyness in it. Makes me wonder are some people born just to endure torrment and abuse. I trive as I just want to survive, The saying we all have the right to life and the pursuit of happyness. I'm still looking, still trying to find what should already be mine.
ScarletPear1945
WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO DISCONNECT TO ME
@scarletPear1945
This is how I feel and this is what it feels like
Dear diary: So exhausted with all the chaios going on in the house. ripping and running back and forth to the hospital to see about my husband. I sat there today for over an hour and all he talked about was him self and what he would not beable to do which he was not doing anything in the first place. He knew that I was having medical issues too. Which I wound up at 3 different ER's before I was able to be seen. Was there many hours as they ran test and put the IV in. But not one time did my husband say how are you doing, or what did the doctor say about you not one time. This really upset me and made me feel bad. That I am ripping and running had not even taken care of my own needs trying to be there for everyone else. When it hit me SELF CARhave E: I GOT UP BARELY ABLE TO WALK AND GRABBED MY STUFF AND TOLD MY HUSBAND I WAS GONE FOR THE DAY. I WENT GOT MY RX FILLED AND CAME HOME WHEN HE CALLED , I BROUGHT THE FACT YOU NEVER EVEN ASKED HOW I WAS . HE SAID YES I DID, I SAID NO YOU DID NOT AND REPEATED HIS CONVERSATION BACK TO HIM. THEN HE WANTED TO APOLIGIZE. This makes me feel so used an unappricated.Now I am angry with my self for falling into this pit. Got to figure out how to tell my daughter and grandson they are going to have to find them some where to go as we can not keep taking care of them and they not contribute to nothing to help. Takeing what my husband I have and eating up everything from me makes me mad. The mess we are in now is because of their lack of responsibility. We done our job rasing her now it's time to get back out their on your own. Yet I know you can not afford to do that. With car payments and insurance. But what you do have left you spend friviously. I can't even get you or your son to cleanup behind your selves. I did not raise you this way. I don't know what has happened to you. This is to much stress for your dad and I. You know your dad and I already issues and you two are making it worse. I know if I have to tep up and make this decision I am going to lose you. That is not what I want , you are my only family and I dond't want to destrory that. Being honest I think that I am having some type of heart issue that is brewing. Not trying to claim anything but from my nursing skills I have plenty symptoms that are leading me to feel this way. I will keep looking for a doctor to go to and check this out.
Please don't kill me off stressing over you two like I don't have enough on my plate. I am contimplating what I need or should do in away that won't be so devestating.
stressing over this Therapist deal: I really needed someone their for me. I feel that I tried to work with her but I feel like I have done her an injustice. Why I ask myself am I still struggleing with this? Why do I feel like I hurt her? Why do I feel the need for support from her that in some ways I did not understand. When I see her picturer in my chat box I want to click it and see what she has to say. Then the other part of me has just wrote her off and is just totally enraged with her.I don't know why I am on an emotional roller coaster. I really do mean that I just am not going to put myself back on the line with my stuff any more.
Yet I feel like something died in me and yet I still want to love this lady and hold on but I can not. My head is spirarlling out of control with feelings I don't understand. I feel like I have received the best help from the community than with her. But on this 3rd attempt she became so human and easy to talk to. It was such a difference in her personality that I thought she was someone else. I made comment to her that I appricated her change and it made it so much easier to talk to her. Then she just pumped me into saying stuff that had I of known would bite me I never would have said. I feel that was so unfair, Yet I understand her job but you missed the reason and just messed things up for me. How can she feel that was to my advantage? My family was unaware that I was useing therapy here or even had any knowledge of my use of this site until Therapist called in Protective services. I have refused to click the chat button and she is trying to get me to answer her. But I am just to trusting to trust my own self right now. Let her keep wondering what is happening or what has happened she opened the door, and I am not at home to answer.
@scarletPear1945. You did not do anything wrong in this. From what i understand, and i could be wrong, in the beginning you did not like her. She evidently caught on to this and tried to change it up. You fell for it and opened up. Which is good. But she dropped the ball and hit you with the protective services threat. Thats bull. IMO shes very unprofessional. Shes paid to listen, you arent talking anymore so she isnt getting paid. She knows she fooked up. Thats why shes trying to make ammends. Again, this is my opinion. Shes a paid "friend". All of us in the community are real friends. I do suggest that if she was helping, that maybe you can find a new therapist? Biggest thing, is don't bother yourself about someone you never actually met. Shes not thinking of you 24/7. So why bother. Sorry fir posting here. Just my 2 cents.
@PerfectStorm426
@scarletPear1945
Ok so you got through, that;s ok. How do you Proffessional people get away with the stuff you do. Then you throw us under the bus because you claim we are ciatoic and mentally unstable and your peers believe that because of the proffession. It is amazing how the client is always the wrong person because you know how to do and say your stuff and make it a coverup. How dare you say that you wonder if I am making you the bad guy again. Three times I swallowed my pride gave you the benifit of the dount and three times you let me down, How dare you protray your self in that way. It's because of these types of things and the lack of proof from chat records that keep you covered, at the expense of the client. Distoreted. When I set bondaries for my family You horned in on my victory and said I see improvemnet since we been working together. I did not say to you why you felt you had anything to do with that. That was a personal victory and I'll not let you take that away from me. If you choose to keep your chat going I am going to screenshot your conversations for future refferences. Please don't put that nice person act on, I see who you are. I think your trauma is acting out too. This is by no means one sided. I don't know who you may be trying to impress, your supervisor or who but don't fake it please.
You may have the victory right now because you are torementing the hell out of me. BUT THIS TOO WILL PASS
You are right that I am angry and Pissed off and afraid yes you did that
@scarletPear1945: CLEANING OUT THE CLUTTER
It's been one hell of a ride on my roller coaster this week.Now that things are getting back to normal, My head is reflecting on many aspects of the course of the week. Things that I should of, or could have done.I could have said the heck with all of my family when the chips fell and it seemed everyone was looking at me and expecting me to be the miracle worker to keep things flowing in an orderly fashion.I took off my dress and slipped into my big girl pants, rolled up my sleeves and dove in and did not flinch. You all knew I was not up for this stress and strain. But it did not matter, as long as I held together.
What is betrayal?:
I am sitting here pondering over the feelings of betrayal in my mind. Wondering if it is an illusion or if what I feel is real. If the tears rolling down my face have a legitimate reason to even be there. Does the feel of by heart have any right to feel its pain within?
I know that we are all human and we make mistakes and hopefully we learn from them. I have heard it said all too often that Love hurts the ones it loves. Why is that I ask myself. Maybe because it is also said that hurt people hurt other people. So then where does the buck stop, When do we gird up and take ownership of our dastardly deeds? When does this cycle of life hault?
HUSBAND: I have looked past so many things you have put me through, only because of the guilt that taunts me for the lack of the ability to be the wife you want or need. I suffer in silence with a smile on my face while harsh words plow from your mouth. I turn and walk away for the words I may say would indeed be in Rage.
You keep me tucked away from your family, Yet you share all my business with people that don't give me the time of day. Your family that I and my child are not a part of, you all only cling to one another leaving us in the cold. Is it because you are afraid of the things that they may reveal or just your way of control. When you slept with your kin and the story was told you cussed and you ranted as you raged.
I know you lied when you denied. The truth was written upon your face, I cried as you lied but I put it behind and I kept riding the wave. Then last year caught up again this time I had to take care of you and nurse you to health once again you lied.
It might not feel as bad if you would once tell the truth and own your dirt. You see I have become so accustomed to the hurt my feelings are numb. Knowing that I can not run. I stay I die little by little as you do what you do.
I get so angry with this body I am in. Abused and traumatized even within, leaving me with this empty shell. I wish I could go back in time and try to find away these things would not have happened. I did not do this to my self, I did not do anything to deserve the damage that was done. Can't get over what is in your face daily. Knowing that this can never change. Yet it was not my fault but I die inside knowing my story to never be whole. Keeping a man who is normal in drive and a wife that has to hide for fear she knows she cannot be and never will that in it self-has it's own Hell. I ask is this betrayal or am I deserving of this injustices?
Deep within me, I want to walk away never look back. Fear and torment of being alone with no protection at all. You are not much to trust if the chips are down. But my only safe space is the here and now. I cope and try to find peace and rest despite this mess. I tell my God I think I have stood my test and dome my best,
n silence
I refuse to die, I may have to shed many a tear but I refuse to die. Like my preditors stole life and hoped I would die, I am still here to tell the story that you made me hide. I survived. I am still learning how to survive day by day and step by step. My way is dark in the still of the night. Where no light my feet can find but I groupe through till morning light. I will find my way and that path that shines so bright, I will not die.
I often times played around with thoughts of darkness things to do to you when I had a chance. 9 to 5 had a really good plan of how to get off the rat they planned. But no that is too good f a plan to waste on such a heap of nothingness as you. I will put those thoughts to rest. Don't corner me up like a cat I will pounce and hells furry and wrath will be your hell.
Beware for Hell hath no furry like a woman scorned. That I promise
I KNOW YOU ARE HERE: I DON'T KNOW WHERE, BUT I KNOW
You gave your self away when you said,"They told you to just open another account".
I did not say anytWhat ihing, but I've been looking. You are hiding pretty good, but it's ok. I meant what I said and I blocked you. It really does not matter that you know who I am. I don't give a rat's but. Spy on lurk around if you please. Just want you to know. I know you are there. Using a new name to protect your identity.
Hello Diary:
Just thinking thing over about my life.Wasted time and efforts to obtain something that was never in my grasp. Wearing the journey energy being depleted to a destination that I will not reach. All the pain and suffering encountered along the path. No guiding light has ever shon this trail. A path that no one takes because the stakes were just too great.
You ran at such great pace but now you faint at every new refrain. Atoll a troll waiting at your gate
Today I let you go completely
I've been holding open all my thoughts and hopes for some type hope to resolve my internal conflicts with you. I know you are gone and I hope in some ways to a better place than you provided for me. I never intended to let you off the hook for all the abusive things you did to me. Even in death, you found a way to bring me more torment by not having insurance to be buried. You all ways told me you never wanted to go to a nursing home that you wanted me to give you a gun or pills to take your life. When I told you I would have no part in such a thing you got angry with me. I know the reason you did not want to go into a nursing home. Your meaness would have landed you the worst care poss Thank God for the Hospice Nurseible. The nurses did tuck you away where they did not have to listen to your abusive words.
When you called me to tell me you were in the Hospital. My husband and I wasted no time packing up to com We still came on in your room and tried to ignore over 300 miles to see you What did you do when we got there? embarrassed us in front of your friends by cussing us out for stopping at the hotel to drop off our luggage We came on in your room despite your rudeness. Then you told us the Doctor told you that you had a week to live. Mom, I really thought that it would be this moment that would bring us together. I brought you flowers and a gift basket full of things you could use there in the hospital. I do understand that it must have been hard to hear you only had a week to live. Making amends to people that you have not been kind to or an acknowledgment of your abuse would have given me some closure but you chose not to. Then you tell me you let your insurance go so you could have money to go to the race track really Pissed me off. Seeing I am the only child they want me to bury you. Ok, I was willing to try and do that but, mom you cuss at me and complained about everything we tried to do for you. I had offered you to come to stay here where we lived had an apartment ready and you said no. That to was fine because I had struggled with that and prayed about that for a long time that God would not let my heart turn so cold to you that I would never claim you or be there for you You have left such a horrible imprint in my head of the violent and traumatic things you have done to me.
cont...........................
@scarletPear1945
Mom, it was one thing for you to cuss me out but when you started lashing out at my husband that was the last straw. Do you realize how much effort and cost it took for us to travel that far to be there for you? In my heart, I knew you did not deserve the compassion we showed too you. Yet I went against the grain of my own soul and did what I thought God would have been pleased with Knowing you had one week you turned even more bitter instead of trying to get your soul right with those of us you hurt. For a long time, I was angry with God for having allowed me to be placed in your care. I know that you never intended to get me from Foster Care Home. I even tried to put myself in your shoes to understand what you must have felt. I still struggle with justifying your abuse. Do you remember beating me with that Cain? Do you? or burning me with the hot light bulbs? Do you remember the dark closets with red pepper on my tongue? Or maybe the ashtray you used me for to put your hot butts out on. I want to remind you, I don't want you to forget because I can't. However, I am choosing to Bury you forever. One thing that you don't know is that I knew how you always thought doctors use people for experiments? When you died I had some options, one being to donate your body to science. My first thoughts were to do just what you did not want to happen. I felt it would have been a fair trade. Then they would have cremated you and asked if I wanted the earn shipped to me? I was going to tell them heck no you never wanted to be with me alive and I did not want you dead. But the Lord God would not let me do that to you. He had to keep reminding me of the word COMPASSION. Something you did not have. Mom you know the things I mentioned are just a drop in the bucket.
@scarletPear1945... and that strength and power that you write with is why i admire you. You just tell it on the mountain girl. You throw it out there. On a lighter note. God put you there for a reason. It was part of his master plan for you. It is sh*tty and FUBAR. BUT, You are a pure soul because of it all. Anyone who is close enough to call you a friend knows that you were forged from hell fire and God admires that. You keep pushing on ward. Release tje chains that bind. I so hope i did not mess up here. You are so damn strong and powerful... you deserve to do this!
@PerfectStorm426
Thank you so much. I am so ready to put this woman to rest I can taste it but not till I get my words out then I'll close the book on that chapter of my life😰😰😰
@scarletPear1945. You just keep it up
and do not stop. I am so proud of you and the lion that lives within. But ya know what? Doesnt matter to me what you have gone thru in the past ( dont read that like i dont care... read more). You ate a special girl that has values and morals. You are more human than most people in this world. You fight for righteousness. You fight for yourself and your morals. You stand tall in the face of hell. God bless you Scarlet. I support you thru and thru.
Ps i know ima bull in a china shop. But i say it all how i see it. And you deserve your inner peace. Because you are wonderful. I am hard to take at times. But i am serious. You have shown me more than you know. You are stronger than most. Which i flock to. You keep fighting. I know im not 'normal' for here. But i am not normal. I am just like you. Stay strong and keep pushing Scarlet. You have taught me so much.....
@PerfectStorm426
OMG!!! Storm:
Don't make me cry, Your words are so special and hearing from you to encourage me and support me is all I have asked for in life. You don't know the value I place on my friends here at 7cups. My words are often times harsh and may seem cruel but I must be who I am. I have a need to get my story off of me and out of my head. So I can live the life that was stolen from me. Who is to say what is normal or not. Like the words of that Therapist that cut so deep to tell me I had Faulty thinking. Maybe I do and Maybe that is why I am here. But I'll be darn if I pay her to make me feel I am a total screwup. Or hang on to the words I speak and dice them up and dissect my words to the point I don't recognize my own words. I just got to be me.
Thank you
@scarletPear1945 O please do not cry on my account. It wasn't my intent at all.
You may think that your words can be harsh and cruel, but in all honesty they are pure and no BS. Which is honorable IMO. You deserve to live the life that was stolen from you ten fold. And no one can define what is 'normal' in my world or your world or anyone elses. That definition of "our world" comes from our souls. Our lives. Above all else Scarlet. You sure aint a screw up. I admire your values and heart. All i or anyone that matters could ask is - that you just be you and believe in yourself no matter what. Totatally proud of you/ no matter how un politically correct this post was. No politics. Its all about you!
@scarletPear1945 ... -and i thank you
@PerfectStorm426
Hello Storm
Where are you? I miss your support and encouraging words. Not trying to not reciprocate the love. Hope all is well I need you and so do others.
If you need an ear👂👂 or just some💪💪strength I am here. We can talk and share🥪🍕🍟🍔🥧🥧🍵smile
@scarletPear1945
Mom, I called the hospital two and three times a day to talk to your Nurses and they told me how sorry they were that I had you as a mother and they did not even know me nor our sMy husband and I packed our bags and went home 300 miles away from you and I could not get home fast enough.The Embarrassment of how you acted toward us was so hurtful. I came with all good intentions yet I did not get your approval nor was I treated like your daughter. But now on your deathbed, you expect me to give you your final resting place. how inconsiderate of you. You and I never got to know one another as mother and daughter. I did not have any information about you for the obituary because you never talked to me. People thought that was so strange putting me in an even more awkward place. I had to pay to get your body removed to the funeral home. I am so glad for Hospice. They gave me grant money to have you cremated and they were going to send me the earn but I refused it, did not want it. If I was not good enough in life than I am not good enough in death. I do hope you find a good resting place and I hope you found the Lord and ask forgiveness. I really don't want your soul lost for eternity.
Now, mom, I was told that I could come clean out your apartment, But I was not making another drive there. I told your landlord to give your things away I did not want anything you had. So today I am closing the door and choosing to let go of my anger and bitterness. I take back charge of my life. I am choosing to forgive you. I give myself permission to bury you. MAY YOU REST IN PEACE
Your Daughter
SIGNED, SEALED AND NOW DELIVERED😇
@scarletPear1945 ...and who could ask for anything more... very intence, but you feel you did right, and i feel you have done right. I feel you went farther than needed. But thats just who you are. A very special woman. ( i aint suckin ass here... i am serious... giddy up and wow, all
i can say is "atta girl" and i hope that in some small way you get a bit of peace. You are a roll model.
@PerfectStorm426... ok just realized i am in your private diary ( my biggest apologies). Not really a conversation i guess. But i think ya needed to hear that tho. I shut up now. U keep in rolling. Sorry for jumping in
@PerfectStorm426
u r fine
no problem
@PerfectStorm426
u r fine
no problem
@PerfectStorm426
I am feeling a big release from this. But now I think I am experiencing a griefing point. Been teary eyed off and on today for some reason but I feel lighter
@scarletPear1945. I understand. In all honesty, its probably just grieving for what you werent allowed to have. For what was stolen from you. For what you dreamed for. And for what you deserved to have that never was. None of it is your fault. U are finally releasing yourself from all of it. Self doubt is human nature. All i can say, is you are doing the right thing. It is time to work at putting this all to rest. It is time to focus on you. Its time to live. Every step is a step in the right direction. Ur doin just fine. And i am proud of you Scarlet. *hugs*
GETTING FREED UP
Dear Diary: Today I have another piece of baggage to add to the firer. I am slowly gaining the courage to release these tormenting events that have kept my soul, my heart and my mind in captivity.
As I sit here today, I have tried so many times to get this out in the open and have failed. This is my day to unfold another event. My only regret in doing this is that I don't know who you were and you will probably never know the damage and pain you inflicted on my child and me. You don't know the years of struggling with this changed my life. I was so bitter and angry. Even as I write this letter it feels as if this event happened yesterday.
What you have done was to rip away my dignity in front of my child, To ashamed to even tell the truth about this even for shame.
I remember so well that Wednesday evening my son and I were going to catch the bus to Church. No one at that bus stop but my son and I. You pulled up to the bus stop as if to ask directions, but when I looked into the car you had a gun pointed at me. You said get in the car and don't scream or I'll shoot you here. You made my son lay down in the back seat and told him that he better not get up. Then you began to tear at my clothing and you took what you wanted me, Ravishing my body with your foul order and grummie hands.
How dare you have done this to me with my son in the car. I can't even imagine what was going through his head as he heard my whimpers and cries When you had got your groove you told us to get out of the car and turn our backs to you that you were going to have to kill us. Yelling and telling us not to turn around to look at you. I was so afraid, Shaking so uncontrollable as I held my son's hand. Tears rolling down our faces with the anticipation of you firing that fatal bullet into our bodies.Fear was so intense that nothing else seemed to matter. But you raced down that dark ally leaving my son and me alive and I was too focused on getting out of that ally and getting help. We ran and banged on a couple of doors before someone let us in. It was a little Caucasian woman. She called the Police for us. I did not report the rape just a robbery as he had my purse and money. But they took us to the police station and filed the report then took us home.
My son and I never talked about what had happened. Today I put you to rest. No more harm can you do. You are out of my closet.
@scarletPear1945
MY MISSION IS TO UNPACK EVERY PIECE OF BAGGAGE THAT DOES NOT BELONG IN MY SUITCASE.
SPRING IS HERE AND I HAVE SPRUNG A LEAK
GETTING OUT THE TRASH BY CLEANING THE HOUSE OF MY MIND
GETTING READY FOR A TRIP TO THE VIRGIN ISLANDS
I find myself in a place of blissfulness and yet my stomach is bouncing around like someone is dribbling a ball inside my gut Taking this trip for my husbands birthday gift. I want to go but we have a cabin together and will be sharing a room together which makes me so uncomfortable and edgy.
I am going to have to find a constructive way to keep my anxiety and panic attacks under control. I need to feel at peace and able to enjoy the trip.
Because of past trauma, I do not occupy the same room as my husband and in fact, I don't sleep in a bed but rather find sanction in a recliner or couch out in out in the open space. I guess I will have to stay awake and on deck and sleep during the day. I don't know what to do as of yet. I only have 2 weeks to figure this thing out. My husband is really going to feel like it's his birthday. I am not up for it
@scarletPear1945
I am still unpacking so much bottled up crap that I have never spoken before as these memories keep invading my mind and bring these flashbacks and bad thoughts. Stuff resurfacing from nowhere. Therapy has not been productive at all. I think my stuff has been so intense that they just seem not to have a clue of how or where they need to start. Maybe I am hopeless.
@scarletPear1945
Oh Scarlet so sorry that you went through this, and that your son had to witness this. I'm feeling lost for words at the moment. All I can do is send you a BIG HUG . I hope that you will become fully healed, and fully recover from this horrific experience.
@Amandisa16
Thank you. a Tarnish of degrading in front of my kid. Hard memory to put behind me. But it's got to lose some power for telling
it
@scarletPear1945. You are so strong scarlet. I have no words.... except i hope God grants you internal peace and the strength to continue on.
Hello You,
I am back with my latest moving on check-in. I decided that since I was rather in a better state of mind that I would stop Therapy. My New Therapist was a great lady and very much listened to everything I posted and messaged me back with answers. I like that. Really not sure I made the right choice to stop, but I am going on how I am feeling now as to when I first started with the other therapist. I think that having made the choice to move to another one help me find my way in a much clearer way. She calmed my spirit and told me that I had positive strengths that I did not notice. Well anyway, what I am saying is that I did not feel like I was a loser or a total basket case with no direction. It may not have been the intent of my other therapist, but that was how I felt and it was taking my stress level to new heights.
Saying that affirms the fact that we need to shop around for the best fit possible. I am glad that we now have the right to choose who we want to try. That was not an option when I first started. Yea" for 7cups improving that feature.
I really appreciate all the people that work behind the scene to make this website a great place to be. Those whose names never appear or show up till there is a problem. I want to give you your flowers now🌻🌻🌻🌻💮💮 Thank you