My Silent Voice (Diary)

WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO DISCONNECT TO ME

Dear diary: So exhausted with all the chaios going on in the house. ripping and running back and forth to the hospital to see about my husband. I sat there today for over an hour and all he talked about was him self and what he would not beable to do which he was not doing anything in the first place. He knew that I was having medical issues too. Which I wound up at 3 different ER's before I was able to be seen. Was there many hours as they ran test and put the IV in. But not one time did my husband say how are you doing, or what did the doctor say about you not one time. This really upset me and made me feel bad. That I am ripping and running had not even taken care of my own needs trying to be there for everyone else. When it hit me SELF CARhave E: I GOT UP BARELY ABLE TO WALK AND GRABBED MY STUFF AND TOLD MY HUSBAND I WAS GONE FOR THE DAY. I WENT GOT MY RX FILLED AND CAME HOME WHEN HE CALLED , I BROUGHT THE FACT YOU NEVER EVEN ASKED HOW I WAS . HE SAID YES I DID, I SAID NO YOU DID NOT AND REPEATED HIS CONVERSATION BACK TO HIM. THEN HE WANTED TO APOLIGIZE. This makes me feel so used an unappricated.Now I am angry with my self for falling into this pit. Got to figure out how to tell my daughter and grandson they are going to have to find them some where to go as we can not keep taking care of them and they not contribute to nothing to help. Takeing what my husband I have and eating up everything from me makes me mad. The mess we are in now is because of their lack of responsibility. We done our job rasing her now it's time to get back out their on your own. Yet I know you can not afford to do that. With car payments and insurance. But what you do have left you spend friviously. I can't even get you or your son to cleanup behind your selves. I did not raise you this way. I don't know what has happened to you. This is to much stress for your dad and I. You know your dad and I already issues and you two are making it worse. I know if I have to tep up and make this decision I am going to lose you. That is not what I want , you are my only family and I dond't want to destrory that. Being honest I think that I am having some type of heart issue that is brewing. Not trying to claim anything but from my nursing skills I have plenty symptoms that are leading me to feel this way. I will keep looking for a doctor to go to and check this out.

Please don't kill me off stressing over you two like I don't have enough on my plate. I am contimplating what I need or should do in away that won't be so devestating.

stressing over this Therapist deal: I really needed someone their for me. I feel that I tried to work with her but I feel like I have done her an injustice. Why I ask myself am I still struggleing with this? Why do I feel like I hurt her? Why do I feel the need for support from her that in some ways I did not understand. When I see her picturer in my chat box I want to click it and see what she has to say. Then the other part of me has just wrote her off and is just totally enraged with her.I don't know why I am on an emotional roller coaster. I really do mean that I just am not going to put myself back on the line with my stuff any more.

Yet I feel like something died in me and yet I still want to love this lady and hold on but I can not. My head is spirarlling out of control with feelings I don't understand. I feel like I have received the best help from the community than with her. But on this 3rd attempt she became so human and easy to talk to. It was such a difference in her personality that I thought she was someone else. I made comment to her that I appricated her change and it made it so much easier to talk to her. Then she just pumped me into saying stuff that had I of known would bite me I never would have said. I feel that was so unfair, Yet I understand her job but you missed the reason and just messed things up for me. How can she feel that was to my advantage? My family was unaware that I was useing therapy here or even had any knowledge of my use of this site until Therapist called in Protective services. I have refused to click the chat button and she is trying to get me to answer her. But I am just to trusting to trust my own self right now. Let her keep wondering what is happening or what has happened she opened the door, and I am not at home to answer.

What is betrayal?:

I am sitting here pondering over the feelings of betrayal in my mind. Wondering if it is an illusion or if what I feel is real. If the tears rolling down my face have a legitimate reason to even be there. Does the feel of by heart have any right to feel its pain within?

I know that we are all human and we make mistakes and hopefully we learn from them. I have heard it said all too often that Love hurts the ones it loves. Why is that I ask myself. Maybe because it is also said that hurt people hurt other people. So then where does the buck stop, When do we gird up and take ownership of our dastardly deeds? When does this cycle of life hault?

HUSBAND: I have looked past so many things you have put me through, only because of the guilt that taunts me for the lack of the ability to be the wife you want or need. I suffer in silence with a smile on my face while harsh words plow from your mouth. I turn and walk away for the words I may say would indeed be in Rage.

You keep me tucked away from your family, Yet you share all my business with people that don't give me the time of day. Your family that I and my child are not a part of, you all only cling to one another leaving us in the cold. Is it because you are afraid of the things that they may reveal or just your way of control. When you slept with your kin and the story was told you cussed and you ranted as you raged.

I know you lied when you denied. The truth was written upon your face, I cried as you lied but I put it behind and I kept riding the wave. Then last year caught up again this time I had to take care of you and nurse you to health once again you lied.

It might not feel as bad if you would once tell the truth and own your dirt. You see I have become so accustomed to the hurt my feelings are numb. Knowing that I can not run. I stay I die little by little as you do what you do.

I get so angry with this body I am in. Abused and traumatized even within, leaving me with this empty shell. I wish I could go back in time and try to find away these things would not have happened. I did not do this to my self, I did not do anything to deserve the damage that was done. Can't get over what is in your face daily. Knowing that this can never change. Yet it was not my fault but I die inside knowing my story to never be whole. Keeping a man who is normal in drive and a wife that has to hide for fear she knows she cannot be and never will that in it self-has it's own Hell. I ask is this betrayal or am I deserving of this injustices?

Deep within me, I want to walk away never look back. Fear and torment of being alone with no protection at all. You are not much to trust if the chips are down. But my only safe space is the here and now. I cope and try to find peace and rest despite this mess. I tell my God I think I have stood my test and dome my best,

n silence

I refuse to die, I may have to shed many a tear but I refuse to die. Like my preditors stole life and hoped I would die, I am still here to tell the story that you made me hide. I survived. I am still learning how to survive day by day and step by step. My way is dark in the still of the night. Where no light my feet can find but I groupe through till morning light. I will find my way and that path that shines so bright, I will not die.

I often times played around with thoughts of darkness things to do to you when I had a chance. 9 to 5 had a really good plan of how to get off the rat they planned. But no that is too good f a plan to waste on such a heap of nothingness as you. I will put those thoughts to rest. Don't corner me up like a cat I will pounce and hells furry and wrath will be your hell.

Beware for Hell hath no furry like a woman scorned. That I promise

I KNOW YOU ARE HERE: I DON'T KNOW WHERE, BUT I KNOW

You gave your self away when you said,"They told you to just open another account".

I did not say anytWhat ihing, but I've been looking. You are hiding pretty good, but it's ok. I meant what I said and I blocked you. It really does not matter that you know who I am. I don't give a rat's but. Spy on lurk around if you please. Just want you to know. I know you are there. Using a new name to protect your identity.

Hello Diary:

Just thinking thing over about my life.Wasted time and efforts to obtain something that was never in my grasp. Wearing the journey energy being depleted to a destination that I will not reach. All the pain and suffering encountered along the path. No guiding light has ever shon this trail. A path that no one takes because the stakes were just too great.

You ran at such great pace but now you faint at every new refrain. Atoll a troll waiting at your gate

Today I let you go completely

I've been holding open all my thoughts and hopes for some type hope to resolve my internal conflicts with you. I know you are gone and I hope in some ways to a better place than you provided for me. I never intended to let you off the hook for all the abusive things you did to me. Even in death, you found a way to bring me more torment by not having insurance to be buried. You all ways told me you never wanted to go to a nursing home that you wanted me to give you a gun or pills to take your life. When I told you I would have no part in such a thing you got angry with me. I know the reason you did not want to go into a nursing home. Your meaness would have landed you the worst care poss Thank God for the Hospice Nurseible. The nurses did tuck you away where they did not have to listen to your abusive words.

When you called me to tell me you were in the Hospital. My husband and I wasted no time packing up to com We still came on in your room and tried to ignore over 300 miles to see you What did you do when we got there? embarrassed us in front of your friends by cussing us out for stopping at the hotel to drop off our luggage We came on in your room despite your rudeness. Then you told us the Doctor told you that you had a week to live. Mom, I really thought that it would be this moment that would bring us together. I brought you flowers and a gift basket full of things you could use there in the hospital. I do understand that it must have been hard to hear you only had a week to live. Making amends to people that you have not been kind to or an acknowledgment of your abuse would have given me some closure but you chose not to. Then you tell me you let your insurance go so you could have money to go to the race track really Pissed me off. Seeing I am the only child they want me to bury you. Ok, I was willing to try and do that but, mom you cuss at me and complained about everything we tried to do for you. I had offered you to come to stay here where we lived had an apartment ready and you said no. That to was fine because I had struggled with that and prayed about that for a long time that God would not let my heart turn so cold to you that I would never claim you or be there for you You have left such a horrible imprint in my head of the violent and traumatic things you have done to me.

cont...........................

Hello You,

I am back with my latest moving on check-in. I decided that since I was rather in a better state of mind that I would stop Therapy. My New Therapist was a great lady and very much listened to everything I posted and messaged me back with answers. I like that. Really not sure I made the right choice to stop, but I am going on how I am feeling now as to when I first started with the other therapist. I think that having made the choice to move to another one help me find my way in a much clearer way. She calmed my spirit and told me that I had positive strengths that I did not notice. Well anyway, what I am saying is that I did not feel like I was a loser or a total basket case with no direction. It may not have been the intent of my other therapist, but that was how I felt and it was taking my stress level to new heights.

Saying that affirms the fact that we need to shop around for the best fit possible. I am glad that we now have the right to choose who we want to try. That was not an option when I first started. Yea" for 7cups improving that feature.

I really appreciate all the people that work behind the scene to make this website a great place to be. Those whose names never appear or show up till there is a problem. I want to give you your flowers now🌻🌻🌻🌻💮💮 Thank you