On the issue of Love & Hate, it is so easy to hide, to learn to hate takes very little. To know that you can hate with such ease, is your protection from it. To hate ones self is an easy thing if taught, it will be the strongest and most stable belief to hold. Regardless of its worth, no matter how we are later told it is now wrong. Shame to not get rid of its teaching in the first. So, lets talk of love, to love ones self is nonsense, to me at least it makes little sense. Which is the problem to fix ourselves, assuming we are actually broken. Would it not be better or different to start then with a different thing? Perhaps to like ones self. One small act of kindness shown to you is perhaps the start of many others that will one day achieve a thing which could hold wonderfulness. Treating us as compassionate as we do others, then surely that will be a true measure of our hearts.

On the issue of Happiness people see happiness as a goal not knowing that it is much like light. It seems only in the moment, it cannot be preserved for a later time or created away from the energy that creates it. If it is not experienced at this moment, then it will be lost forever. Happiness is never a goal, but rather a thing which can help make this moment even just a little brighter. Ah, it could be felt afterwards you say, replied with confidence, not unless you experienced it in the moment. Once it is allowed into each moment, the light and dark will exist at the same time, the same moment. Never work towards joy rather let it be experienced. There will be moments of complete nights with no moon or stars. Still, when the glimpses of light can be found hold onto it, that is the thing that will scare away the dark. Sometimes it needs a little help in its creation, but there are some ideas about doing such thing.

On the issue of Honesty it comes at great risk, it has the power to harm or hurt or it can bring relief and the start of a new process... A better one, so let me say here I hope it is with honesty, I write, the things in my head are nothing more or less. Written in the hope that it does not harm or hurt. Written hopefully not in condemnation rather allowing a collective action which spurs the moment forward. Forward to a better place, a more honest place.

On the issue of Religion this might be a surprise, but it should not, all religions hurt people by definition they are designed as such. It can produce that easy hate for no other reason than to hate someone you do not know and have not met. Still, think for a moment, as we all should from time to time that my religion to which I hold in low value is nothing but the suppression of girls. Ah, now to the disengagement of your reading this. So perhaps you under not knowing better went to church, the Bible is God then god does not like us girls. We are trapped in, since I know that the bible, at least the versions I have read, that sex is more common with it than acts of compassion. For this reason, all girls must be given the choice, to either accept or complete with all rejections a religion which fails to be good. This of course is a privilege I have but more importantly a decision to which I can make without recourse of punishment, isolation or distaste. Hate is difficult to unlearn.

On the issue of Anger when all preconditions are met, perhaps more which I am sure is the case, then anger itself is not only useful but necessary. Still, it is better to be collectively angry than individually suffering from it. The way things can change is when we are all angry. That is a hopeful expectation. Perhaps one day it will be met and decided upon when we notice that we need to be angry. That would be a good day.

@AmalieAnne

You'll always hold a special place on my heart Ames, just wanted to say that x

@Avaray Thank you. Often it the people that matter are not the ones that are there [although it helps] but people that you would without thinking offer half your cookie to. Do you want half my cookie? It is triple chocolate chip. It is a bit early to eat my half but you are in front of me in time.

@AmalieAnne

I would love half kiddo xx

Thanks 💜

Ps love the bird picture xx

@Avaray Thank you *Puts the cookie into your mouth* I have difficulties with the social distancing thing sorry

@AmalieAnne

Me too... 😊

Me eats cookie thanks for sharing 💜

I thought that I would try to tell a story but in a different way. Hopefully it will work!

Their Stories

Introduction [Instalment one]
This story begins like many others, it starts with a random group of people who have never even met before, that is until today. True, some relationships are held between them, but if it werent for this significant event, they would most likely have never even thought about each other, let alone been a meaningful part of each others lives. This is the story of how in a strange, peculiar sort of way they became part of a group. Although at this point, they dont yet know that during the next few weeks, they will learn that shortly after their first meeting they share something most of us have never even bothered to think about. A single event that would bring them together and provided an intersection in its own sort of way. I could of course tell you all about this significant event and what it ends up meaning to them all. Still, that would not make me a very good story teller would it.

It should be of no shock that as the story teller, that I have met them all. Not only during the following incident and aftermath, but also in a special way Ive always known them, even before they came into existence. I understand the desire, perhaps even the wish, to know them all right now. For reasons that Im unable to share, it is just not possible at this moment in time. I will tell you about each of them of course or should I say, the ones that Ive arbitrarily decided to tell. Perhaps the most interesting or just the ones I like more. Needless to say, this is a story of certain individuals. It might not be the most coherent method of telling a story, my wish though is that you mostly get to know them more than getting to know what happens to them from this point onwards. Although that is important too.

Dont be mistaken, this might not be a good story at all, nevertheless if you stay with it, there is a chance you might come to know & even like one of these people. Although it is entirely possible that you will not find a single facet or attribute in any of them worth your time. Still, that really does not matter because these are their stories rather than mine or yours. These stories could be seen as a form of hope, human endurance or even just plain old determination however it's not! I guess at this point things should move on. So, lets start…

Todays date is Thursday 6th August 2020 and this group of people are all about to board a plane. This plane will never land in the conventional manner, rather you might say it lands in the most horrific way possible. As you might come to know and perhaps even expect most of the stories are missing. These missing accounts are the ones who knew that they were about to die and then they did. Im sorry to give you such news right from the start, but at least its honest and it is something important to understand. Today 357 people, including the crew, board a plane, it will take off, where it is heading is really not the point, neither is it worth knowing. All you do need to know is that after four hours of flight the plane will crash. I feel the need to give you some sense of hope, sadly all I can offer is this: At this point, when the plane crashes, you will meet some of the passengers.

They will each recall who they are and what happened. Each of them telling you remarkably different things because they are remarkably different people. Each story starts at the end of the crash and each story ends with the same ending, although it might not appear so at first. Having known them and gotten to see what they did after the crash, is yet another way of proving how remarkably different they are. This is just the introduction and a warning, that this might not be the most pleasant set of stories to read. If I could be so bold, I think that they are still worth reading.

Soon you will understand what I mean when I say by me sharing their accounts and you reading them, it serves as remembering them. You might want to change the endings, but sadly you will fail, what has been written cannot be changed. Before one gives up all possibilities of changing destiny, one might consider the power of the human spirit, even free will, these can be strong influences in the universe we happen to inhabit. Still, no matter how hard you try against destiny, you will be disappointed, their fate has already found its own way to where it needs to be.

Now Im not sure who will start, although each person will come forward in their own time, when they are ready. I dont know who will be first or who will be last, but each in their turn they will tell us. What starts now is my testimonies of them and what happened as a result of the crash.

@AmalieAnne

Hey there Ames xx

Sounds like an interesting read ...

Remember you're amazing... Never forget that... Xxx

@Avaray I hope it will be interesting to read *fingers crossed* As for the other thing not sure what to say other than you now have to address me as God Sister Amalie. I checked all the canon laws and it is in there somewhere Hope you are dealing with lockdown thing ok, at least you will not be in danger of the naughty monkeys.

@AmalieAnne

Hey kiddo

Sending hugs xxx

@Avaray Hello Banana *hugs* How are you? I am kind of sick but medicine making me feel sick, also grumpy but that is kind of normal.

Their stories: installment two

Lucie

Lucie awakened on what an observer could easily describe as part of the wing bobbing in the clear warm ocean, after the crash. Her head hurt and her first thought was to a single action, to look around for the older couple she naturally assumed to be grandparents, who smiled at her when she walked past them trying to find her seat. Still, she could not find them as she tried to move her head around all she could see were bits of the plane, even with some confusion a few small fires. Lucies body was hurting, but as she lifted herself, to sit up, she noticed with strange comfort, the warm waters washing over her legs. The fear she soon realized, that she was all alone, this scared her the most. She had no thoughts of what happened or had partaken in worries about what would happen next. Just a single emotion overwhelmed everything, fear. Not even the warm waters could comfort her as they did a moment ago. She started to cry, thinking nothing more of wanting & needing her mother.

Lucie was travelling alone and for the first time, since her father moved to a completely different country. She was and still perhaps up until this point angry at her mother even though her mother played little part in her fathers actions. When she got on the plane, she was both filled with elements of excitement and fear, mixed together with anger but very much looking forward to seeing her father (less so the woman that had replaced her father's affections). Now things, despite the fear, had changed, now she was angry at her father. Lucie had always fitted in at school, but over the last few weeks she had become more introverted & shyer than her normal self. She had only one good friend, but honestly that is all she really needed. Being 14 years old and having parents not only divorce but her father placing himself so far away well… hurt her. Lucie felt more pain about that than she would ever be willing to admit, it held the sense of feeling abandoned.

As Lucie sat there floating in the ocean, she started to feel lost, in a weird way it felt okay. Used to being alone was not much of a problem she guessed. Then she changed her mind and said in mild tones, what was meant to be a shouting out, What the fuck is happening? Trying to hide her tears even though she knew no one was around her. After that, for roughly 40 minutes she repeatedly shouted help and other things, mostly swear words, she only stopped when her throat became sore. She cupped her hand and scooped up some warm sea water. As soon as the salty water entered her mouth, she vomited. Feeling a little stupid knowing that no one could drink salt water or it would make you sick. She resigned herself a little, for each passing hour she heard nothing but the bobbing water around her and seeing nothing more than the same broken pieces of plane. The fires had now gone out and it was getting dark, this situation now became much scarier.

Although Lucie was shy and hated being at the centre of attention, she had some amazing abilities. It is my belief that she would have become an excellent artist, she loved doing it and had an inescapable talent, even in her failures, as she considered them, were indeed beautiful. Drawing and painting had always been one of the things that had provided comfort for her, apart from Musco that is. Lucie had been given Musco when she was little and somehow, he knew how to provide all the comfort she required under most circumstances. At her birthdays Musco was there, when her parents had split up Musco was indeed there again, after the divorce when she had arguments with her mother… well he was there too. Now it was getting dark, all alone in the middle of a vast ocean, she thought about trying to find him, but fear & tiredness got the best of her. As she laid her head down, to only quickly fall asleep in a now quiet ocean.

Lucie jumped out of her skin, something had just touched her and the thought of a shark had suddenly entered her mind. As suddenly as she jumped, she was comforted by a voice telling her that it was okay. That voice belonged to the lady of the grandparent couple she saw on the plane. They dragged her onto a rescue raft, certainly an improvement on the cold piece of metal she was starting to consider her home, but not by much. Before she could even settle with the comfort of not being alone anymore, she was being asked questions about if she was ok, what hurt, did she want some water, it went on. Lucie then noticed their concern; she had a really big cut on her head. It didnt feel painful though, and at long last she had the comfort of other people. Lucie did not ask many questions back to the couple, but they werent grandparents at all, rather they had met each other about 2 years ago and fallen in love for the first time. The shock followed by the rapid relief caused her to cry, despite her not really knowing why and the older woman held her until she fell asleep.

Lucies third awakening was altogether different and much more familiar. It looked to her like a hospital, but perhaps it would be more logical and make more sense if it were the sick bay of a ship. One of the nurses noticed her trying to sit up and approached Lucies bed. The cut on her head was not the only thing that required attention. Lucie restlessly wanted to get up to ask questions, the nurses instructions were though to get back to sleep. Despite her body being more injured than she or the older couple thought, it strangely still did not hurt. The atmosphere began to change almost as soon as she started to fall asleep, it now was warming and more comforting than before. As her eyes tried to remain open, she saw her mother with Musco and she said a word she hadnt used since she was little, Mummy? Answered by a short acknowledgement it was her. Lucie felt truly safe now, as she stopped fighting the urge to sleep while her mother placed Musco in her bed & started stroking Lucies hair.

There Stories: Instalment three

Timothy

It might be odd to read the following sentence in a story concerning the events of a plane crash. Timothy awoke in his bed, he felt comfortable and at first did not notice anything strange at all. In fact, it was his own bed, but more comfortable. Tim jumped out of it with an energy that he hadnt had in years and stood looking around this room. He had often preferred to be called Tim rather than Timothy. Wait a minute, he thought to himself. Why does my bedroom look so much better than it did before? Tim found more youthful energy and started running around the house. Then, with this new energy, he repeated another run around the house. Tim thought to himself ‘why does this look brighter, cleaner, kind of new & full of life somehow. Tim ran to the front door for no real reason and opened it. He spotted someone he knew very well.
Hey Jeff, my good man, how are you? Waving like a lunatic.
Morning Tim Jeff said with a certain degree of expecting to have this conversation. Why dont you get dressed and come have a walk with me?
But I want to wear my pyjamas they feel comfortable Tim replied.
Okay, come on then, Jeff said with a smile on his face.

Tim now with no shoes and just his pyjamas walked out of the house into a garden that look so alive and full of colour. Which is weird since Tim had not been blessed with a green thumb, rather a black thumb and able to kill almost any plant or flower he came into contact with. As Tim approached the gate, he opened it and greeted Jeff with a handshake while still taking the world around him in. Jeff knowing this was a big transition for his friend, he waited patiently. Tim noticed how the sun was not really there, but everything had a warm, glow and light seemed to be emulating from everywhere and everything. A tree not far away was almost glowing with light.
This way Tim, as Jeff put his arm around Tim. We dont need to talk much, but I would like to show you around the place.
Okay It did not really seem important for Tim to ask a single question, perhaps the whole experience was just overwhelming. Still, Jeff lead Tim in a direction rather than both walking with any meaning Everything looks just so…
Jeff expected this kind of comment and thought nothing for a reply other than weird. He went on though Let me tell you about the place, but it's important you know that the bed you woke up in and the house you ran around in, is yours. We are walking towards the lake and you are just wearing your pyjamas, not sure I expected you to be any different.

As Jeff lead the way, Tim was looking around as if he had never seen any of these somewhat normal things before. His house, trees, the grass, even the ground did not hurt his feet. Then he thought to himself, still half listening to Jeff. The house and his garden, that must have taken a lot of work to make them both beautiful. Still, the birds flying above in a joyful manner and singing to each other as though it were a mere summers day. Wait, he thought this kind of feels like a summers day as he experienced as a child.
Here we are Tim
Where?
This is the lake I would like you to swim in. Ive brought along someone who is also kind of new here as well. I thought you could go swimming together. As Jeff gesture towards Claire.
Hello, Claire replied to the gesture and to the both of them.
Hello, Tim managed to clamber together as his answer. … If I might ask, we dont have any bathing suits, so how can we go swimming?
Jeff could have been taken aback a little by this, but sure as he was, he gently pulled them closer to the lake. Here things are a little different, but there will be time to experience all of it, I promise. Then, without a single hesitation Jeff pushed them both into the lake and allowed himself a little smile.

This would normally be funny only to the person doing the pushing, but Tim experienced something amazing and the water was not scary at all. It was warm and it felt not like swimming in it more becoming part of it. He could see Claire having fun and Tim naturally decided to join in. Rolling about with ease, he could hear himself laughing, hear Claire laughing as if they were children. At all times they felt like they could just stay in the lake all day with all the colourful fishes playing with them. They felt no need to go to the surface in order to get air. It was at this point Tim felt and observed that part of him was somewhere else. Laying on his back in a cold, dark ocean, he could feel the swell of the water and the rain falling onto his face. It was perhaps the look of terror that brought Claire to him. She guided him to the shore, Tim now regaining a sense of this place rather than the other. They both reached the shore to find their clothes dry.
What was that? Claire asked.
Im not sure, just for a moment, I thought I was somewhere very different, very cold and lonely, he finished as Jeff approached them both.
As Jeff did, he said Its ok, you know; you are with us and we will both walk you home. There is nothing to be worried about.

Jeff again gestured both Tim and Claire, they started walking back without saying much but not due to any confusion or negative feelings just in contentment. Then Tim spotted something, something which he felt should not be there and he did not understand why. He blurted out
What is that?
Oh, that is the hospital but we dont need to get into that right now, Jeff replied.
Tim wanted to push for more information, he did not like hospitals they had always been places where you received bad news but Tim decided with some determination to enjoy the lovely day. As they soon reached his house and he invited both Jeff & Claire in for a spot of lunch. They both passively agreed since neither of them had anywhere else to be or anything else to do. They did, however suggest that perhaps Tim should get dressed, he was still in his pyjamas but he had completely forgotten.
Oh, yes, I will change and Jeff my dear man, could you pop the kettle on. Claire please make yourself at home. The feeling of that cold ocean came back to Tims mind, but he pushed it out in order to get back to the enjoyment of his company and a spot of lunch with a cup of tea.

Marie [Instalment four]

Marie experienced a strong & painful flash of light, when she opened her eyes, she had to check whether what she was looking at was real or some kind of illusion. Somehow, she was standing on a rather small island, the sea could be seen in all directions but, the north and south of the island were more distant. It could have been west to east because she did not really know. She turned her head away from the hot sun, now in her view was a small plane that had crashed just a few meters away from her. This was not the plane that she had boarded a few hours earlier rather a twin-engine propeller plane which was smouldering although the wind was taking the smoke away from her. Other parts had been broken off, but overall, in good condition. It would never fly again as she noticed a wheel that had been broken off a little further back. Marie walked towards it and with little to no grace at all, climbed on top, she used her sleeve to wipe the dirt off the window. No one was in the plane, but it did look like someone had been in the plane recently. Marie thought to herself that this plane was very similar to those she studied a few years ago in a museum.

The smell of oil was present in the air combined with a little scent of burning. The island was not that big, but it would make a lovely vacation spot. Bright blue water, lovely sandy beaches and well… an old propeller plane to add some intrigue. As Marie looked harder into the cockpit and rubbed away some more dirt, she could see an old flight jacket, with a name embossed on it. With some strength of will and a large amount of struggling she managed to push the window open enough to pull the jacket out. She finally got it free, the name was A. Earhart, the jacket also had a few missing buttons. She could not believe this bizarre situation, as soon as that thought ended one of the engines made a loud short scrape which made her jump back and onto the wing in a quite painful way. As she attempted to regain her standing position, she looked back towards the rear of the plane. Now she thought things were making more sense and she moved herself closer to the tail. Wiping some dirt and sand away, she thought she knew what should be written on the tail, but she found herself excited as well as fearful. As she finished removing all the dirt and sand off, she stood back. The identification on the tail was the expected one, it read: NR 16020.

‘This is her plane and I have found it, Marie thought. She returned to the cockpit. The radio hissed into life for a few seconds. Looking at it, she did not really understand how these old radios worked, but it was set to a frequency of 6310kHz, kind of, the bottom of the 0 and the top of 1 could be seen as the last number. Inside there were also maps, some rather gross looking food and rather oddly a small pot of anti-freckle cream. To Marie this was unbelievable, this is her plane and she shook her head out of disbelief. ‘A Earhart…
Amelia Earhart, this is your plane she said out loud but softly to herself.
For what felt like a very long time Marie just remained almost hanging over the bottom of the window and she would have stayed like that for longer if it werent for another plane ripping passed her head with a tremendous amount of speed. The force of it made her lose grip and she fell to one side hitting her head.

After regaining control of her faculties, she forced her way into the plane and jumped into the pilot seat with sheer joy. Within a few seconds the pain of bumping her head was replaced with amazement that she was sitting in Earharts seat; she was looking out of the same window and she had her hands on the controls which would had been used by of one the greatest female pilots of all time. Earhart was to Marie an inspiration and although it bothered her, that she was sitting in Earharts plane and it was in such good condition, well for a plane that had crashed that is. The thought made her smile. The plane was somewhat buried in the sand and if it was truly Earharts it would have crashed in 1937. Maries own fascination with planes and everything to do with them could now be summed up with the knowledge that the last person who had sat in this cockpit was Earhart herself! Marie did not have much time to dwell on this as the rather intrusive plane that had ‘buzzed her earlier returned. Prepared this time she saw the plane coming and recognised it as a Catalina… something, it was nevertheless a very old seaplane. She scrambled outside, to start shouting and waving her hands in the air. Then with delight the plane turned around and headed right for her. It past, albeit much higher than before, then continued onwards into the distant blue skies.

With some disappointment and hope that the seaplane would come back, she started to collect all the documents, to keep them together and safe. She thought that this was an amazing find but not an understandable discovery. The sun was slowly starting to go down, with only the occasional burst of wind to keep her company. The excitement of what had been found had not faded. Marie looked up and another flash of painful light came over her, she again struggled to open her eyes. She was back in her seat on the plane she had boarded a few hours ago. She raised herself, everything looked normal. People were looking bored or sleepy, the defined normal in plane journeys. She thought to herself that what she just experienced could have not been a dream. She still felt the sun on her face, the sand between her toes. Then she reached inside her pocket and pulled out a label and an old one at that. It read Dr C. H Berrys Freckle Ointment. As she studied it the ‘bing noise sounded, it was the seatbelt sign. They were coming into land; it did not feel that enough time had passed, but a quick look outside through the window confirmed it. The city was below.

Albert [Instalment Five]

This is perhaps the most uncomfortable and may I say it, an unpleasant account to tell since this is the story of Albert and his own self-torture. To help, someone we have met before will tell us of Albert, it is hoped this will make it more… agreeable, but honestly, it will remove some of my own discomfort. Jeffs role in this place is to meet people like Timothy but not everyone wishes to be happy at all, some prefer to be quite miserable. As Jeff walks towards where he can find Albert the light starts to dim, the weather cools and it starts to look less vibrant and moves towards being dull. The buildings become less maintained and it turns towards a dark winters night. Although it starts to get colder and the snow encroaches on the landscape, Jeff does not feel the cold. He does notice that inside himself a certain feeling of unrest is starting to appear and an urge to not stay here longer than he has to. This is part of his role, these people that live here are still an important part of this place. They might never be able to free themselves, but it is hoped that one day they might stop their own punishment. If they ever do then Jeff or someone else will be here waiting to take them somewhere much nicer.

Jeff finally arrives at a small village with barely a handful of houses, all in some state of disrepair, he notices the one that he has to visit today. He walks towards the door with a little hesitation, but not wanting any eyes watching him to catch anything but his own confidence. He could be assured that others would be looking on with some interest. As he knocks on the door, a shriek is offered in reply. Jeff pushes the door open to find a cold and damp room lit with a single candle. The person that lives here has recently arrived just since the plane crash, but Albert seems to have found some way to make it his home of sorts, albeit not in a positive way. Jeff walks towards the centre of the room looking around for Albert, finally he stops. Albert is human, but a very strange human at that, Alberts skin is pale and he hides himself in the shadows of the room.
Hello, I know that you are new here, I wanted to introduce myself and to let you know that if you need anything someone will always be around… Jeff stops as Albert knocks something over, making quite a noise.
Leave me alone, I said, leave me alone, a voice that could have only been Albert.
Jeff looks around at this pitiful man and this pitiful place, he knew that this is what Albert had created himself. This house had not been here before Albert had arrived. The wooden floors were creaky, the fireplace had never been lit and little light came through the windows. Although Jeff had been to many such places, this one was a little different. The windows in this house had wooden planks nailed across them from the inside, other houses had the planks nailed on the outside. Perhaps, this is a sign of hope. Jeff looked around for something to sit on, finding a broken but perfectly useable chair.

As he sat there, he started to connect with Albert, not through words, more like impressions through images. Albert had always been an angry person, but Jeff could dismiss this as Albert only feeling safe when things were done in a certain way. The created anger was through the anxiety of things that were not in the order that they had been planned out. Jeff could also see that Albert had been a wealthy man, his goal was to make as much money as he could, but even now Jeff could share the sense of regret that Albert felt. Regret that the money was not used to enjoy his life or to share enjoyment with others. That holds true for things even when it came to things in which money was not the issue. Like not taking the time to enjoy a piece of music or waking up on a spring day to have the feeling of the suns warmth touch his skin. The rush to have something or be different had always been before what he already had. Albert had chased the next thing before stopping to enjoy what he had just got. The never ending ‘betterment had resulted in nothing but anger, fear and guilt. Jeff thought to himself, that is not uncommon for people who put themselves here. Still, the way the windows had been boarded up gave Jeff a little hope.

At that moment Albert threw something at Jeff which luckily missed him. Then a sudden rough voice came through the darkness Get out of here, this is my place, you are not welcome here.
Jeff was not shocked by this, but replied I will leave, but I will also return, one day I hope that you will walk with me to a different place.
I want to be here, the now more hostile voice replied.
Nevertheless, I will return and perhaps you will change your mind, Jeff knowing what was to come next. He stood up and walked to the door, turning around to see Albert, a sad figure dressed in rags, blowing out the candle. Then Jeff walked outside, the door was slammed behind him. It brought a smile to Jeffs face because he knew this is what always happens, time and time again. It might be a long time before Albert lets anyone into his house again, but at least it is hoped that things do slowly change. Right then the slamming of other windows and doors could be heard in this dismal village. They had all been watching and trying to listen, others had been interested in what was going on but none of them would ever admit it. Jeff sighed to himself, but then started the walk back to the place he had come from.

As he walked out of the village, a burden of sorts had been lifted in him for the time being. He could hear noises coming from around him, but knowing there was nothing more that could be done, Jeff carried on walking. As he did, the skies opened up, the light returned, as did the warmth. Slowly but surely things became nicer, not long after known voices could be heard. Laughing, talking about topics of the day and the general hum. Jeff decided to treat himself by visiting a friend. This is where we part with both Jeff and Albert, at least for now. It should be of some comfort that not many people force themselves into places like Albert did but it does happen, then when it happens, people like Jeff are waiting for them when they decide they can forgive themselves.

I hate Covid-19 and everything about it, hopefully it will go away soon!

@AmalieAnne I love your drawings! 😍

@intelligentWheel627 thank you

Sophia [Instalment Six]
Sophia burst into life as water was expelled from her lungs, like an old car finally starting, after many attempts to get the engine working. While she was still coughing, she turned her head to one side, which helped a little with breathing, it was then she felt the damp sand. It was a warm day and while she could feel the warmth, it was far from overwhelming, the humidity was a different story it was more oppressive. As Sophia regained her strength she sat up, in front of her was the ocean, behind her were jungles and mountains, but nothing to even suggest the slightest hint of human civilization. A moment of panic seized her, as she discovered that her precious field notes were not to be seen anywhere. Sophia was an explorer of sorts, perhaps not so much as defined in the previous centuries, going into the wildness and fighting with wild beasts rather, she collected notes on the cultures of small, partly indigenous groups in Australia and South America. She stood up to face the wilderness and perhaps even the wild beasts with absolutely no desire to be that kind of explorer. Humans were different & more often than not, would refrain from eating you, with a few noticeable exceptions of course. She stood there not quite knowing what the right thing was to do, should she stay on the beach in hope of rescue or try to find water, maybe some firewood. It was then she thought to herself that she had no idea how to start a fire. That would be a skill an explorer in earlier centuries would have acquired as a child.

‘Right she thought to herself, in all the books she read in such situations, she really needed to find fresh water and find it quickly. She approached then entered the tropical jungle, it felt like that the air got heavier and it became a lot darker under the canopy of the trees. The noises freaked her out, insects are mean things and she recalled that they could be a source of food. She really wished that she did not remember that! She did not hear any beasts but jaguars live in these environments, which is a good thing, they are after all just big cats so nothing to be scared of other than their ability to stalk her like prey and attack without much warning! The walking was tough going but thankfully she boarded the plane with very practical shoes, at least she had that as a reassuring thought in her head. After what felt like hours, she could no longer see the beach, but still she was not really sure where she was heading. Sophia came to the conclusion that at the base of the mountains would be a good place to find a river, lake or something. After seconds of that going through her head, she heard a noise that scared her. It was not something any one would expect to hear. It was a roar, like large pieces of metal being twisted with force. Then it happened again, it was no animal, the third time she not only heard a roar but massive footsteps heading towards her. Now she ran as fast as she could away from whatever the hell was getting close to her.

After ten minutes of painful running, her ankles finding it difficult on the jungle floor, she turned back in the hope of seeing nothing. It was then while she was looking back, but still running forward, she ran into a strong steel fence. It hurt and perhaps something rude was said out loud. Two thoughts entered her head at the same time, being why the hell would anyone put a fence in the middle of nowhere and this is the hoped-for sign of humanity. She gathered herself together, the pain in her ankles and legs plus the lack of any evidence of a predator trying to make a snack of her, meant she could slow down and follow the fence. She hoped to find someone, but would settle for a gate, after 10 or so minutes she found a place where with a little digging she could crawl under the fence. Of course, a fence is for keeping things in or out, with the last chase still causing her pain, she logically concluded she belonged on the other side. As she made it under successfully, she was content to leave whatever it was on their side.

After catching her breath, she got up, although she could not see anything else of human civilization, there was an embankment that she would have to climb. With all the force she had left, she threw herself at it and started with a determination to reach the top. This perhaps was not the most graceful way of doing it, she reached the top, laid on her front and then ungracefully spun her legs around and up. It was then she noticed buildings, with the energy she had left she shouted Hello. After a short wait and no reply, she repeated, Hello, can anyone hear me? Again, no reply. Fine, she thought to herself ‘I will have to go find someone myself, there are no would be rescuers around. She approached one large single-story building, it was old and not in the best condition. The heat and humidity had caused some damage, she found a door and turned the handle hoping that it was not locked. It was unlocked, but swollen into the frame, with some force she was able to open it. Slowly at first, but then in one big rush it opened, hitting the wall and causing Sophia to fall. Twice in one day she had found herself looking like a bit of an idiot. Kind of lucky that no one was around, and as she brushed herself off, again, she looked down the hallway. It looked like no one had been here for a while, but at least, perhaps, she could find something to drink and eat or just anything at this point.

As Sophia walked through the rooms, she encountered broken old computers, phones that did not work, some written papers but long since too degraded to provide any useful information. She then walked into a canteen, tables and chairs were still set out, trays had been left on them. She looked towards the kitchen which like the rest of the building had become dark as the sun was setting. It was then she found a door. She had to use her sleeve to wipe away the dirt off the sign, it read ‘Pantry. She was hoping to find something as she pushed the door open, luckily there were tins of food. With the light fading, she grabbed one, next she tried to find something to open it with. Opening cupboards and draws until finally a weird object was found that looked like it could open a big tin of… whatever was inside. With some difficulty she managed to open it a little, it smelt fine and kind of sweet. After the arduous opening, the prize was hers. A tin of peaches. She drank the juice first and then ate some slices using her fingers. It was just when she found such comfort that she heard a door slam shut down one of the corridors. She jumped as another slammed down a corridor in a different direction, she could just about make out which corridors the noises came from. Then just as she approached the centre of the canteen, she heard one of the draws open in the kitchen and the contents of the draw being thrown out of it. She ran into the kitchen, but saw no one, she knew she heard it, but that was the only evidence she had.

With some caution, she made her way back to the open tin of peaches. She smelt it again, the smell and look did not suggest that they had gone off and caused her to hallucinate. As she walked back into the middle of the canteen a single light down a different corridor came on, she moved slowly towards it, now she was freaking out! A moment later, she heard someone talking behind her. As she turned, she jumped as a man was standing there with an expression of pure rage on his face.
You need to leave, now he said without raising his voice.
… I was just looking for some help and… , before Sophia could finish, she heard more voices behind her, which snapped her back to looking at the corridor but she saw nothing. When she turned back towards the man, he was gone. No sign of him being present was left, no footsteps, no anything. In a flash the whole building changed, the building looked new, people were walking about, sitting at tables eating and having discussions. She slowly turned in amazement to see everything as it once had been when in full use although no one paid her any attention. After a few seconds the building returned to a lifeless decaying state. Sophia heard laughing, but she was unsure where it was coming from. She required no more motivation; she ran once again; she found a way out and found herself in an outside courtyard. It was at this moment a sudden rush of pain pulsed throughout her body. Followed by a sudden flash of light. To the observer Sophia vanished, the place remained as it had been, decaying and assumingly ‘abandoned with no hint of anyone around.

@AmalieAnne

Hey there Ames xx

Loving your beautiful profile picture xx

Sorry I haven't been around much, life has been busy and things happening and some things triggering.

But I don't forget you xx

How are you feeling? I saw in. Your post you hadn't been feeling well, I hope you're better. Are you still in lock down, or have they allowed things to ease some?

I think we're on level 3, still need to wear face masks everywhere and sanitizer put on, temp screening etc.

How you doing kiddo?

@Avaray Hello,

I was talking with mommy about you not being on here, we came to an agreement that you were perhaps busy and had to do lots of things like being a teacher rather than where my brain sent me. I am still getting used to my profile picture, slowly getting there. We have had no school just on the computer kind of school, no going out and wearing masks for what feels like forever! Recently, I have been able to annoy my bestest friend so that is really good. They might be opening up the swimming pools soon but no school until maybe October. Not even sure who will be my teacher.

How have you been? This all feels very odd and different. On Saturday we go camping which I am kind of looking forward to. Just I am European summer holidays are meant to eating gelato and using granddad as pillow not being eaten by bears. Kind of missing Spain home at the moment. I have been trying some new medicine which was a bit horrible but now my brain is starting to behave himself which is good. Molly had a cut which got infected which was really worrying, we took her the vets but we had to stay in the car. I could tell the vet was mean to her because she wanted a hug when she came back. She is fine now and being naughty in her own way.

Not sure what to ask about the triggering things still, what is happening in your part of the world? In any case, I glad that you are still with us. If I do not return from camping, assume I have been eaten by wolves or bears. Remember me fondly *spacesuit hugs*

Ame

@AmalieAnne

Hey Ames.... Sorry if i made you worried, didn't mean or want to do that xxx

And I won't forget you xxx

Yes it's time for this virus to stop, life is so weird you also have to almost start recognising people all over again now with masks faces.

Camping sounds interesting, I'm not sure if I have been proper camping, maybe when i was younger, but I can't remember.

Do you roast marshmallows over the fire?

Triggering I would say is things that happen that make my thoughts and body go back to when really bad things have happened, like anniversary dates of things happening, or when really violent things happen, also certain things bring up the sad things that have happened and those type of things " trigger" the fear and sad and then I get more paranoid about certain things, worry about other things, sometimes I'm ashamed to say when sometimes something comes up that is similar to the things that led up to really bad things, my hands almost shake and i can't settle down and i want to cry, this fustrates me because i can't control the reaction, but then try to by telling myself I'm over reacting, nothing bad has happened and try calm down.

My psychologist says it's reaction to trauma and up to just recently, the ridiculousness of the whole thing is apart of me used to get aggitated with him when he used the "T" word (trauma) because that isn't actually real and I'm making up how I'm feeling and pathetic for feeling that way...

But then.... Another part of me is so relieved that someone else can see it and see through the walls I put up and acknowledges the things I've gone through are traumatic and my reaction to things and the way i think ( which is not I'm sure how other people think) is because I'm dealing with trauma.... So it's like a relief.....

And the other day i almost laughed at myself as i finally allowed myself to acknowledge to my psychologist that I've had trauma in my life, and for it to feel ok to admit it and accept it without criticizing myself for allowing myself to do so.

Am i making sense, sorry if i started to ramble on.

So what i mean by a trigger is something that happens or i see etc that brings me back to the bad places of traumatic times and sad times and then it brings back a lot of the same feelings, reactions that i had then.

Oh yes... Dear Benji.... He has eaten at least two of my scrunchies (hair material elastic things to hold my hair up) and my one material face mask..... Big sigh..... Needless to say we find them in his poop the next day or days time.... And that's disgusting! Because there is no way I'm going to wash that and re-use them!

He does it so fast, but he's a real sweetie pie.

He sleeps next to my bed on blankets, I like that, if he wants attention or to go outside to the toilet, he comes and nudges your hand to wake you up. He's very clever and so funny. Just what we needed.

My daughter had her birthday last week and we had a good day and then the weekend we made the special birthday cake, it turned out quite well.

Anyway ames this oldy needs some zzzz's

The eye lids are getting heavy.

Hugs amazing Ames.

Send my love to your mom.

Enjoy the camping and I hope you get to swim soon xx 💜💜💜

Hello Banana Avaray,

You do not have to be sorry; I was worried so I talked to mommy and it made sense that the stupid Covid19 things were making things difficult. So, you would be busy with dealing with all of that. I do hope it goes away soon but here also in Spain, The UK and Italy we have been wearing face masks when we go out and washing our hands even more. My brothers face is slowly recovering, he still has all the marks from the doctors mask things, so I am hoping they go away soon and be a handsome boy again. Mommy and me made a gift thing of candy plus hand cream, face cream and things like that, then gave it to the hospital people at our local hospital.

We went camping, me does not like it! Luckily, I did not get eaten by a bear but there were lots of bugs which perhaps were a bit scarier. We did have marshmallows but really really big ones. I could not fit the whole one in my mouth. The putting them in the fire make them burnt or melt, making them less tasty. I did enjoy it other than the bugs but it made me really tired, mostly recovered from that. I think on Saturday we can go swimming again yay! We have to book our turn though but they are opening one pool (they have three) for disabled people. So, we can go in that one, it might be quieter as well.

In what you said about triggering I do not think that your brain is misbehaving, it is being perhaps annoying but he is working well. Past experiences guide us in our current ones, it is just our old brain which protects us is sometimes more powerful than our new brain. Sometimes I get kind of funny with food, like not wanting to eat it or… not sure how to explain it but it feels bad to eat. Like if I eat it then something bad will happen. It confuses me a lot because the reasons why I had negative thoughts around food have now physically gone. Of course, my brain still remembers again so I have a talk with myself or get mommy to help. I guess the more I get my new brain (the reasonable one, kind of) to talk to my old brain (the one that is designed to protect me, the reptilian brain) the easier it becomes. Still, it is very annoying and frustrating.

I have not seen my therapist since the end of March I think, but we have talked and it is not the same as being there with someone. Does your psychologist know about EMDR? It is not scary or anything, to be honest it is really weird. Still, at points when I did it with Suzanna, it has kind of worked and I did not have to say anything just think it. I think it might be witchcraft! Still try to be nice to your brain, it sounds that you judge yourself very negatively by what to me are normal reactions, it is like me getting frustrated because I am dyslexic. Recently I was doing some Dutch school work and I could not work out why the sentence was wrong. It took me a while but then I noticed I was doing the same thing in Dutch as I do in English, not being able to see the ‘not (or niet at the end). It can be frustrating trust me but my brain finally saw it and that is all I can ask.

I am not saying I do not get cross with my brain but we have to get along and if I get really frustrated then things will go wrong. This came into my head "That they are what they are, do not blame me!", from A Christmas Carol. Charlies Dickens four-year-old daughter died and I think that his affected how Dickens viewed the world, including how he wrote A Christmas Carol. I feel his loss despite that even if she had lived to an old age, she would be dead long before I was born and I never even meant her. In a sense, she is real and I can feel the sadness… to the point… right. Our brains are what we have, so we have to agree to get along. Was that it? Not sure, when you said isn't actually real and I'm making up how I'm feeling it came into my head. That they are what they are, do not blame me came into my head. Often, I talk to the point I completely forget why I started but that is me.

Benji sounds like he is trouble but I like him more because of that! With my Molly she is good at just being there to play with or having a hug. She is smart as well but does not want anyone to know, so she can get away with more things. Although she does not eat things so there is no need for the poop looking! I am happy that your daughter had a good birthday, what sort of cake did you make? Granny always makes me a carrot cake, to share of course, when I see her after my birthday, normally Christmas, it is a family recipe. It will never be known outside the family. Any who *spacesuit hugs* be a good banana

@AmalieAnne

Hi Ames xx

Sorry I only saw this post now 😳

Yes....brains are sneaky things.... Big sigh... One has to speak to your "old" thoughts and try get them to believe the new thoughts. I wrote down the good things my psychologist has written in messages to me over the years and want to read those good things he's said, and because I trust him ( a lot.... Although my brain still likes to fight me on that trust topic) I'm trying to make myself "hear" him saying it to me, so that that when I speak badly to myself that his words will hopefully start to sound louder than the bad words.

We made a Barbie birthday cake, she baked most of it and then we decorated it.

Yes went picking up poop again, found a sock part of a plastic packet, He is such a mischief, he grabbed my hair band and as my daughter got close enough he charged away out of reach, he is such a tease. We managed to get that one before it became poop material 😂

It's going to feel weird to speak to my psychologist in "real life" because I'm so used to this online therapy now, so it will feel like I'm starting all over in a way because I won't have the screen I can hide behind between us. It will be like he's real (that sounds weird I know) At least I would have my cushions on the couch to "hide" behind 😂

Sounds pathetic for a grown woman I know. Eish!!

Anyhow kiddo xx Let me know how you're doing xx

I'm glad you survived your camping trip and the mosquitoes didn't carry you away or make you a snack. And that you can swim!!

Hugs Ames, my lunch break is over at work and need to get my butt into gear and carry on working xxxx

💕

@Avaray

Hello banana,

I think I did not do the @averay or I deleted it, so the computer did not tell you I wrote the last reply. I found some information about Afrikaans, from French decedents but then I checked and it comes from Dutch. Listening to it I can hear some of the sounds but I had no idea what the man was saying. Sometimes books and internet articles get things wrong, I guess. Any who, in 1998 there could have been a bloody civil war in South Africa but it is good that never happened. If my research is correct it was stopped with a cup of tea offered by Mandela and then turned into long term peace. In any case good that people talk rather than hurt. I guess why I bring this up is that sometimes everyone can think the world is full of bad (or even evil) people but honestly most people never want to hurt someone else.

Something in this is banned on 7cups

Even though European history is kind of the only history that is interesting to me and before 1950 because well… I just like it more plus there is a distance. I found a piece of research that recovered 27,574 muskets from the Battle of Gettysburg in 1863. Two things you should know about muskets (you should know them), first is that they take about four days to load. The second after about two metres the bulíet will just go anywhere. Of these 27,574 muskets 24,817 were still loaded, 12,000 were double-loaded, half of these roughly 6,000 of that 12,000 had been triple-loaded and finally one of these muskets had been loáded 23 times. No one loads a musket without the intension of firing it because loading it takes so much time. A person called Dave Grossman concluded that rather than firé and hurt someone people did other things, in short, they did anything other than firé because not want to hurt someone; loading a gún is the perfect excuse not to shóot it.

Ignore the accents

I have found 27 other examples so far in other battles, including the Battle of Waterloo, which this kind of thing happened. Still, it kind of shocked me that people in battles really do not want to hurt someone else. That one person rather than fire his musket loaded it 23 times, in my calculations that person spent 92 days loading a musket to never fire it (my loading a musket estimate might be a little off) Plus, 92 days loading a musket while at risk of being killed! So, when our brains think we should be scared perhaps we need to remind them that others prefer first a cup of tea, if that fails, they will keep loading a loaded musket. As silly as it might sound, I really trust history because it tells us what people did rather than what they might do. Or in other words it tells my brain to stop it when he is being a silly. You also have to tell your brain off! Even though it is difficult!

You let your daughter cake her birthday cake? I kind tend to set the smoke alarm things off but she did a good job and I like the decoration even if a naughty doggies needs to be told off! My Molly does not do that but she is 9 years old so maybe that makes a different. She will do other naughty things but not as bad as that. I have a Skype thing with my psychologist this afternoon, current is about 5am, which makes me feel scared but we are talking about going back to school and how… not to get scared or upset about it. I do think it is pathetic of any sort, you feel what you feel. I still prefer the in person and we sometimes, used to, talk under a blanket which kind of helped with some things. Most of me is being worried about going back to school and looking up battle research. Any who, going to try get some more sleep *spacesuit hugs* Be good and tell Benji to stop being a naughty boy or no treats.

Ame

@AmalieAnne

Hey Ames xx

How did your online therapy go, and has it helped a bit with the anxiety of going back to school?

Yes the other pooch (Ridgeback) ate Barbies feet off.. Very naughty...sigh and it was The labby that ate another dolls arm off.

History you seem to be good at, I'm not too good with the subject, I battle to remember dates and names etc, I don't know why,

Mandela did try bring about peace and to start to put things right from the bad of the past, he seemed to be a humble man that cared about people. I think people even if they have pain and other things happening in their hearts and minds, don't actually want to hurt other people as you say, however it's the other people that mess it up, because sometimes the bad people that do hurt people take advantage of the the goodness of people and do extreme harm, so then you don't know who is good or bad and it makes a person not be able to trust because you know what can happen, has happened xx

Even to stop and try help someone on the side of the road, that is considered a dangerous thing as it could be a trap.... Which is sad for the people who actually need help etc.

It's sad.... I've lost and almost lost family and friends to bad people etc. So it's very hard to not feel unsafe and I'll admit over paranoid, although my talks with my psychologist I recon, is it paranoid if it actually has happened, does happen.... Huge sigh... But I'll admit it does change the way a person thinks and reacts.

But one has to try see the good, but again discussing with my psychologist, I try see the beauty of things but then the bad things start and so one switches it off and you disconnect from the things that life has. Because to feel the good.... You have to feel.... And when you start to feel, you feel the bad as well, you cannot split your mind to only feel the good, tried that...it doesnt work, much to my fustration!

Any how kiddo xx

Let me know how school goes.... Hugs Ames

@Avaray

Hello

I wrote this part last week but then fell asleep –

I really do not like the online psychologist thing; it is just not the same really but we came up with a plan and it worked. Still was kind of scared but I got through the first day and yesterday afternoon for my first violin lesson in a long time (I have been playing without lessons of course). Just really tired now, how are you? I have been trying to get through all of Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s 12 books but it is going very slowly. I think that you are saying there might be dangerous situations, this is different from you cannot trust people. There will also be dangerous situations based on judgement but you said that it was sad that when people did need help that they would not get it because people are scared to help. I guess that it is nicer to think people are good rather than bad. So, me be the psychologist about this, should you be scared? Ok, I am not good at doing that. But if I have anxiety you have to look for evidence.

That is not to say that bad things do not happen… just there are more people I trust in the world and really I do not really know so many people who are part just moo moos. But I will get back to you when I have finished reading Rousseau’s work. So school was weird, we had to stay away from each other alongside the normal things but my teacher is nice as well. Kind of difficult to understand him sometimes but I think I get most of what he is saying.

Today – School is a bit easier this week even though it is Wednesday morning so, I have tomorrow and then no school on Friday. Still very tired though but hopefully my body will get used to it and then it will be ok. As for history forget the oldies way of doing it with dates and all that, find someone or something that interests you, then you are learning history. Kind of like how oldies think that children want to go down the slide when really, they want to try to climb up it. You have naughty doggies sadly, there is not much to do about that.

Be good *spacesuit hugs*

@AmalieAnne

Hey there Ames.

Have you survived school... I'm glad you've started violin lessons again, music is a good distraction from the things life throw at one xx I should really start playing my guitar again. I have made some progress I've read almost 3 chapters of a book. I used to love to read, but the past few years my brain just almost hasn't let me enjoy to want to do that, if that makes sense. So that's a start.

I also have booked for my last exam to complete my second level, so need toget the energy and willpower to study.... Huge sigh.

How are you and your family doing?

Sending love and hugs xxx

@Avaray

Hello Banana Avaray,

I am surviving school; it is just making me tired but I am kind of getting used to it now. Although music is never a distraction, it kind of helps me feel sometimes or get it out maybe. What book are you reading? It is good to read I am reading Survival of the Friendliest by Brian Hare, which is good although it has some bad parts in it (as in not nice to even think about). Still, it is a change from reading about The Marquis (Des Marquisates) and resistance movements during the second world war. Too much when I start having bad dreams about it. That sometimes happens when I get carried away with reading. Hopefully you have started on Chapter four. My family are all ok, just hoping things will change by Christmas with the Covid. I keep them all in line and behaving apart from my sister because she will out bossy me. Is your family ok? *sending you learning energy* Speaking of which I kind of have to get ready for school *spacesuit hugs* be good,

Ame

@AmalieAnne

@AmalieAnne

Barbie escaped from the cake but has since had her feet "amputated" thanks to our other dog, who thoght she was a snack, much to my daughters dismay.!

@Avaray No treats for naughties

@AmalieAnne

@Avaray

He looks cute and innocent which means he is naughty, they try to trick you

@AmalieAnne

100% correct young lady, mischief indeed & really knows how to use those puppy dog eyes 😂

How was the camping trp, I see you didn't become part of the "outdoor menu" which is always a good thing!

Hugs awesome Ames 💕