My Diary place

Learning Dutch

The Letter Writing Challenge
So, I have been trying to complete the letter writing challenge for some time and it has taken me what feels like forever to write it. The challenge is to write a letter to ourselves when I/we first joined 7Cups, I was thirteen and now I am almost an adult which is scary. It was suggested it could include reflecting of how I was back then, which feels like a very long time ago. The challenges I experienced, how I evolved, and also about the person we want to be tomorrow. This approach felt wrong to me, it might not to anyone else, but I guess that is why it took me so long to write this letter. Sometimes I wonder why I make things difficult for myself, but then again, its kind of reflected in the letter. So… "I accept and completed the #LetterWritingChallenge.”


Dear Me,

People say that the struggle itself is its own reward but at this moment it certainly does not feel like that. You are angry, more than people know but that is ok and it is ok because there are people around you who will understand. When we were 13 and today if we have a bad dream and are still asleep then mommy will comfort us, no matter how angry we are or how we express it. It might feel that being angry is the only way that we can function right now, in part that is true. Rather than not be angry just be angry. I would like to say that it feels like one day you will no longer feel that way, it does change but I do not envy the position you are in. It was not nice; it sometimes is still not nice and there are as many conflicts within us as there are we have with other people.

Food will still be an issue even though soon we will be 18, that as well is perfectly fine. Sometimes it is important to have control over yourself and if that is the only way of doing it then let it be so. We will still get confused and talk in different languages or get mixed up between all the grammar, that is ok too. We still see sounds and yes, it is still beautiful. We still struggle with thoughts that seem very big and scary. We still think that being something we are not might be better, for that I am not sure of the answer. What does not change is that the people we love, regardless of all else, we still love. In fact, we love more people as we approach being an adult. That is why everything we have felt is the right thing to feel, every thought we have is the right thought, every action we do [with the exception of a couple] is the right action.

We are not so shy now although it is part of how we are and I am sure it will never change. We do, however get a little more confident and that feels good. But it feels special and more personable to be like that and to share moments with others in that way. Perhaps in the future, we will write another letter to ourselves, I cannot be certain for sure but I think that feeling, thinking and doing the things we are doing now will be the right things even though the uncertainty feels strong. The truth is that we are lucky, no matter what happens we can simply be and that is a true definition of love. We are loved and the fact we can love, feel such strong compassion, is our best quality.

To break the first rule of thermodynamics, which talking to you in the past does, there will be a massive pandemic which will scare the hell out of us but you do get to read ‘The attack of Freedoms’ [above] at school in front of people including saying the f word three times. Nobody will tell us off rather it will feel good because anger can feel like that. We will learn about the pole in the barn paradox which is just amazing and read The Tale of Two Cities which is just perfection. I guess the message is that neither us know what is going to happen but how can anyone be prepared for something they do not know. It is scary but it is hoped that who we are makes us capable of facing those challenges.

I think we both, regardless of how old we are or how much we know, are who we are meant to be. Never change, just make a few revisions here and there. Being us is a bit like being a captain of a ship, it certainly feels parts of us work independently from what we consider to be us but we in the end go forward as one. We have legs that seem to not want to cooperate, a mouth that still cannot pronoun ‘cannot’, thoughts that are of little use or feelings that make no sense. So, follow the three simple rules of being a captain; always be presentable, go down with the ship and never abandon a member of the crew. That is all we can do and that is enough. Good sailing and fine weather,

Us
(The Ames)

It is still a bit to go before Christmas but I am missing seeing in person some of my family. I have seen in person my brother for almost two years, even miss my sister but I am not going to admit that. So, let’s get it going and if anyone tries to stop me seeing [in person] my family they will be musketered. Elves also have 14 months in a year, it’s a North Pole thing.

Trigger Warning: Death of a chilld [in fiction]
Caution: Scary

What happens when you take Fyodor Dostoevsky, Gaston Leroux, a couple of ghost stories and my imagination. You get a bad dream, so I wrote it out and it still freaks me out.

The soul of Jules Dedeaux

For most 1867 was not all that unusual, the hardships of the bitter winter took its normal toll. Spring was welcomed with joy as fresh food started to make its way into the cities of Europe. As summer turned up, some complained, wishing the cooler air of the spring, but far in all, it was not that bad. Interestingly Alfed Nobel patented dynamite that same year, not really a step forward for the human race but in contrast Joseph Lister demonstrated the first use of antiseptic spray in surgery. Charlies Dickens for the first time visited and gave a reading in the United States of America, in Vienna the first performance of An der schönen blauen Donau (or The Blue Danube). But in one basement in the city of Ghent, Henri Dedeaux was working away at his bench. His wife Felicity Debeaux, wed only two years ago, was upstairs tending to their son Jules, a handsome young gentleman of one year and two months old. A most charmingly handsome boy with rich brown hair, blue eyes and the energy for everything a child of that age would normally wish to pursue. Well, that is before he became sick, although money was an issue, Felicity with the help of her parents had found a good doctor and was able to tend to her son. Sadly, for this story and for his father, it must be said now that Jules would die in a few days. The news, not knowing to tell you if it is good or bad, is that he would only die once.
Felicity had first seen Henri wearing his military uniform in the street, it was lucky that the wars were not that vicious during his service, she knew that this handsome man was at least an honourable man. Henri too had taken notice of her as he walked down the street, he glimpsed Felicity, a young woman in her early twenties, dressed radiantly, wearing a rather well used Parisian dress, similar to what he noticed other women wearing whilst being stationed just outside Paris. Although to him, he felt shy but let’s say to those romantics their meeting and marriage had been splendidly delightful. They grew to know each other, which only bolstered the feelings they had when they first came to see each other. The rest are simply details of a normal life, Henri had asked Felicity’s father for her hand, he agreed and with some delight Felicity accepted. In all they were kind to each other, their house, although small was more than enough and when Jules had been born both Henri and Felicity were joyful of this gift. Their son had been born with the grace of his mother and the kind soul of his father.
Jules had been dying since the moment of his first birthday, a ravenous wave of scarlet fever had hit the city taking many kind souls with it. Today simple antibiotics would have spared him but this was a time before such miracles. Felicity tended to Jules, sleeping in an old chair next to his bed, sometimes she would just watch him breathe, only allowing herself to fall asleep for short periods of time before being shocked to motion in order to check on him. She prayed in hope but it’s sad we know what will happen. Henri had no way of consoling either himself or the pain that he saw in his wife’s eyes. He felt useless and helpless, the pain he thought would drive him to utter despair. He could not even take care of Jules, he would not take such duties away from Felicity, he knew she needed to be useful in such a way. Still, that is why we find him in the basement, one of the skills he had learned after becoming married was carpentry, he had for the last couple of days been putting this skill to use.
Two nights ago, during the troublesome inability to take any rest himself, Henri heard a whisper as he watched over Felicity sleeping, it came from the basement. It had not been reported what that whisper said or why Henri even listened to it but since that night he had started following the whispers’ orders in the damp, dimly lit by the use of a single candle but not all to unpleasant basement. Apart from the first morning when he went out with a small number of coins, returning with items wrapped in cloth, he had been down there. Living off cold tea and an occasional biscuit he had for two days, without sleep, been working. On this third day he made is way up the stairs of the basement with little grace and stood in front of Felicity and in an automaton manner simply stated “Felicity, I will need some of Jules’s hair”. A most bizarre request but Felicity looked at him with a great deal of contempt if not anger.
“What now? Why do you need some of his hair?” She was to receive no answer but she almost did not expect to be given one. She got up in almost the same manner as Henri had blurted out the request, walked to a cupboard to collect the scissors and then proceeded with great care to cut off a small piece of Jules’s hair, turning around to place it in the already waiting hand of Henri. He then held it with some intense joy for a moment and ran back down to the basement. Felicity distressed mind and tiredness led her to gently rest herself back in the chair she just got up from with little further thought. What follows to any sane person, which we must attempt to understand in the grief of Jules’s unfortunate fate, was a conversation Henri had with himself.
“It will look just like him… I promise you, trust me to that promise. We will get more of his hair in time” a pause in the conversation appeared to have happened which would be only silence in our ears.
Henri resumed it with, “I know, you’ve said that and yes it must be done. It will look like him, just give me time”. While Henri worked on, all that could be seen in the dim candlelight was Henri himself, the doll he had been working on, the bench which rested wood shavings, a selection of tools and a few pots of paint. The dim light of the candle barely reached the walls. There were dark unseeable areas but it was a small space. Henri himself who had eaten very little was pale from the lack of sunlight, wearing a somewhat dirty shirt with rolled up sleeves. His hands had become bony in the last few days as if he was being consumed by an illness of his own.
“Shhh yourself”, he shouted but continued “we must find a way to attach the hair or as you say the boy will die. That is what you said, so please do not contradict now after how far we have come, I said SHHH.. YOURSELF”. He worked on; his face conveyed such pain unknown to myself.
I must caution the reader that reading further the story itself will upset you but if the events are true, as the witness say they are, it is important to know what happened. The doll itself was about the same size as Jules with blue eyes, the features of which in wood were the same as his sons. Henri with sheer madness was trying to find a way to fix the hair to the doll. After some time past, he worked out a way in which it could be done. He deliberately took his time, knowing that he wanted it to be dark, for now perfecting the doll would take place. He waited until he could hear nothing of Felicity, hoping that she was asleep. He again went up the stairs but this time with great care, almost as in the performance of the movements of a ballet. Felicity was asleep and the boy in such illness would take little notice of his father’s actions in any case. He gently lifted the scissors now resting in his wife’s lap, his plan was simple, to cut off all of Jules’s hair. He did so in such a manner as if he was committing an awful crime, the glaze in his eyes showed it to be so. After he took as much as he dared to, he slowly restored himself to the basement again to start working on attaching more hair to the doll.
He whispered back perhaps to the whisper itself “I will keep a lock of hair just in case. I do not doubt, but his mother, you see.”

* * * * * *
Felicity awoke with the sun in her eyes, once she had gained the measure of the day, she noticed what had happened to Jules’s hair. With the gaze of fire in her eyes, she turned towards the basement. “Henri… HENRI”. After no reply the thought came to her mind that she would kill that bloody man, regardless of all else.
As she approached the door, she turned the handle, then in a most quiet but most dangerous voice said “Henri, open this door at once.”
Henri in panic looked around but still could not see all the dark places.
“Tell her that you are making a lock of his hair, a mother must understand that desire, she will understand”
“I made a lock of his hair my dear” Henri knew the tone of his voice was cowardly, he waited for a reply before moving or daring to say more.
“Henri, you are maddening, you did it with little grace you fool” She was full of mothers’ rage but also with sadness that the thought ran through her mind that if Jules was to die, a lock of his hair would provide some comfort.
“She will only be angry for a moment, she will return to your son and to the day’s work” received to only Henri.
Henri was scared to move, not knowing if it was Felicity or the whispers’ instructions he was petrified of. Felicity hit the door with the palm of her hand and retreated back into the kitchen to make breakfast and a watery soup for Jules.
“She has gone now, no more a threat, for now at least… “Henri was finally able to say out loud.
“Tonight, it must be” the whisper said, “it must be”
“Tonight, it must be” replied Henri.
The whisper was not done so quickly, “You have worked and tolled with the doll. You have to leave it next to the boy tonight. It must be there tonight, it must be.”
“Will it work as he says?” Henri asked.
“Yes, it must be, it must be with the boy tonight, it, him and me, it must be”.

All through the day Henri did nothing much other than to perfect the doll, to make sure that the paint was perfect has he could see it to be. The features as they should be, the hair was less impressive although a brush might have been useful. Henri waited, he paced the room, then he waited. He was not surprised at his wife not trying to get his attention, leaving the basement door alone. She is in such distress he thought to himself, she is thinking only of our son, she is too much of distress. But tonight, he will be done tonight, it was promised, so it will be done. The hours felt like minutes, night was coming, he could hardly tell where the day was, there were no windows in the basement. He waited until once again there was no movement upstairs. Until he was sure that Felicity was asleep. After a few moments of thinking, no not thinking just listening, he was instructed to go upstairs with the doll. Like the night before he slowly took the stairs, softly walked over to where Jules was. Henri watched for a moment; his son was breathing but distressed in doing so. He was alive, he thought to himself, so it must be. He placed the doll next to Jules, his son in replica. He was suddenly rushed with tiredness, staggering to a sofa past Felicity to lay down and watched shadows dance around on the walls. They scared him but then finally sleep caught him.

* * * * * *

Henri awoke first, the light was harsh on his face and he had not felt it for a few days. With it he almost felt pain with such the light as it was. With some fear untold to him, he rushed over to where Jules was. To his alarm Jules laid there silent, dead, with no motion whatsoever.
He shouted an angry whisper “you told me it must be, you told me it should be so. Why did I listen, you told me it would be so? Why did I listen to you, you fool Henri, you fool”. This time the conversation was only to himself.
Tears formed in his eyes, he felt it difficult to breathe, he felt pain all through his body as he burned with some unknown feeling. It was at the moment the light of the day started to awake Felicity, now Henri felt a very different fear, one which sorrow followed his failure, one which followed a lie, he was foolish to think true.
As she awoke, she was pleased to see Henri there, she looked into the bed where Jules laid but did not notice anything of alarm. “Is he any better today?” She asked without hope attached to the question.
For one moment Henri had no idea what to say but finally found no courage “A little I think, I will watch him, take some food, perhaps a walk to clear your head” He for one did not believe she would follow such advice but he pushed it harder “I promise to stay here, I will comfort him while you take food and air.
With a strange feeling Felicity felt comfort in those words and lifting herself out of the chair “you are right, food and air, that would be good.”
Henri stayed bent over Jules while he watched his wife or should I say trying not to watch his wife in order to not raise suspicion. Felicity slowly made her way around the kitchen and then headed for the door, once the door was closed Henri fell onto himself in misery and despair. His act was to take his now deceased son down to the basement, it took all his energy and he did not even notice how long it took him. Once he was in the basement, he placed his son on the bench and tucked in the blanket that carried him. With little energy and sobs of sorrow he climbed back upstairs and threw himself into the chair that his wife had occupied for so long. He stayed there sobbing, knowing pain and the despair of what to tell his darling wife. He thought himself a fool, he thought himself a useless man, unable to protect and unable to change what had happened. After a few more moments Felicity opened the door. She could see the back of her husband and that he was crying. Then she heard a sound, a cough, followed by another noise, a noise of a child being playful. She rushed over to where her son had been laying and with delight almost screamed
“Oh Henri he looks so much better today, do you not think?” this did not attract the attention of Henri whatsoever but she continued “much better, so much better, a radical improvement”. She too now also started to sob, now in understanding of why her husband was doing the same.
“He…” Henri whispered
“He is getting better, grace of God” after a few moments and with the act of keeping herself together followed with “He must be hungry, as you also no doubt, let me make us some real breakfast. I think Jules could eat, he is so alive, what grace, a radical improvement to be sure”. She turned away and walked to the kitchen, only a few steps in such a small house and started to warm some tea.

Henri did not know what to say or what to do, his wife as gone mad to be sure, she knows. With all his strength he got up when he heard something coming from the basement the words “It must be”.
Henri was ready with anger to confront the whisper, the liar he thought, he tricked me, he will pay, he must pay. He ran down the stairs to the basement, under his breath said “Come out you bastard, you lied, I will…”
“You must burn the body, it must be” the whisper uttered
“What…” He stopped himself, he could not believe what he was hearing. He could now only hear his son for the first time, making the same noises of a happy child, talking to his mother in the age he was and his mother replying in motherly tones. He turned himself around with force, about to run up the stairs
“You must burn the body, it must be” was once again whispered.
Henri felt a fear in himself again, then ran up the stairs.
At the top, he found Felicity joyful, beaming as if she had recovered fully from what has just happened. He noticed that she was holding the doll.
“What wonders it must be, our son, is almost better, he is eating and talking as though it was as if he has, by God, been given life back” Felicity proudly announced.
“Madness” is the only thing Henri could think to say out loud. It must be madness, the sickness, what torture I have given my wife. She will never be the same, he thought. She is in madness and will never recover from it. Then he hears again the noises of a child. He slowly walks over to his wife, her back now turned away from him. He hears a child saying things in a child’s way. When he approaches, Felicity turns around and the doll! It takes Henri a moment to recover his mind, now he has gone to madness himself, it must be. The noises were coming from the doll, it was a solid doll but its eyes were moving, its mouth was moving. Henri starts to move away in absolute fear, in absolute terror. The solid doll’s mouth and jaw was still making sounds and moving, it is a doll Henri thought to himself. The wood is moving has though it is real. Felicity sees the paleness in her husband’s face.
“Henri, whatever is the matter?”
“Our son is not…” He was stopped in his own motion by Felicity putting the doll where Jules laid. The doll clear as can be, more puppet than boy, it acts as if it is real but he knows it cannot be.
“Can you not see?” Henri said with serious distress in his voice.
“What! Our son is healthy and much better, by far, my grace. Come let’s get you some breakfast, you are pale, so much time in the basement, in fear. I understand that now but he is better”.
I strange sound arose “Moma” from the doll, Henri knew that voice, he knew it and was sure of it, that was Jules’s voice. That was his son’s voice for certain.

* * * * * *

Henri finds himself in the basement after trying his best not to run out in fear, he has also with some force had eaten some breakfast. He can hear his wife and son above him. He starts to swear and demand but this time not at the whisper but at himself “A solid doll, not even a puppet, has… is alive and Felicity thinks this demon is our son”
“It must be” says the whisper “it is your son, it must be.”
“What do you mean the doll is our son, only must it be?”
“To complete the body, of the flesh of your former son must be burnt or so will the doll share the same fate in that, in death, it must be”
The fireplace in the basement had only been used when the house was used by two families, now that this house was open to just one family, the basement fire place hadn’t even been used once since their moving in. The whisper is demanding I burn the body of my son telling me that it must be. He readied the fireplace with what he could find, taking time to find matches he knew were down there somehow. After the fire was going Henri did as was asked but the smell was distasteful, Henri could feel the breakfast wanting to come up. He ran up the stairs, slamming the basement door. He rushed over to a cabinet searching for a key, after a few moments he found it. He walked over to the basement door and locked it, then placed the key in his pocket. Knowing that he must throw this key away, the devil is down there, this door will never be opened again. In both grief and distress, he shouts in an order, if only to himself “This door must remain locked, never shall anyone go to the basement”
Felicity saw him in distress “Dear Husband it must be a relief, now that you have eaten something perhaps some air will do you good and for Jules as well, it would benefit him so, to get out into the air after such a long illness”. She then hands this son to him, made of flesh.
Henri took him if only to examine him closely, to see if he was believing his eyes. He could not tell this thing was a doll, but it was. He remembered a birthmark on Jules’s arm, I did not copy that, the doll did not have that, he then searched for it. He found it; his son looked at him playfully with beautiful blue eyes. Henri then thought to himself “I must get rid of this key, what is in the basement must never be allowed to escape, devil or angel, sane or madness”
From the basement he heard the whisper once again, it said
“Henri, it must be”

Booster jab made me a bit shaky but:

Post-Holiday Blues
So, I really wanted to write about losing Papa, yes it has been almost two years. It feels like it was in a different life time but to be honest I’ve been worried about Mama; mommy has tried to get Mama to get the covid jab boost without much success. Its not that she doesn’t know, for reasons (read stubbornness) she did not want it. Then I explained that I really miss Papa and that even if there was only the smallest chance of it meaning she doesn’t die then it would help me to worry a little less. Because I don’t want to lose her, that is too much, she needs to be here, I need her and that is never going to change. Besides who will shoot the fascists if they came back and try to take over? Mama has now had the booster jab; I feel that I don’t have to worry so much.
Now, for me to be honest it makes me angry when people don’t get the jabs or don’t cover their nose and mouth. It is personal choice or whatever! The problem is that I live in luxury, healthcare is there for me. I understand how viruses spread, my brother has treated people with this illness and I’ve read about the last pandemic So, people have a right to decide for themselves and I should not question this individual choice. But I acknowledge the luxury & privilege that I have, that people don’t have now or in the past. I will get jabs for everything & I will cover my nose and mouth because it costs me nothing and I know what it is to be sick. I now know what if feels like to lose someone I love. So, these things that cost nothing to me, will keep happening even if I don’t want to be jabbed or tested so much, it simply does not matter*.
Any who, all I wanted for Christmas is to see my family and just be with them, even my sister! I also got a tablet which I am writing this on it, before I work out how to get it off the tablet and onto the computer (I used my eyes and typed it, in case you are wondering). The screen is bigger which helps with reading plus it has a pen so I can write & draw on it. I enjoyed being with everyone and a massive part was going on walks with Mama. It feels different with her now, yes, she is still somewhat stubborn & bossy but she treats me a little differently… not sure how to explain it. I’m a tiny bit taller which I like because it makes me feel tall. One of the thoughts is perhaps I will go to university in Spain and stay with Mama. Let’s see how a year at mommy’s school goes first.
Writing this on the plane back to Canada, when I get off the plan it won’t be very nice, the temperature is about 30 degrees colder (closer to 40). If I make it, I might not but it will make me grumpy. Planes are kind of special because they are places without a place. The excitement and the holiday blues will stay here, with me until we land. The fun part, taking off was the fun part but now I’m going to sleep. Then engine noise always helps me sleep, like a purring mechanical cat. If you read this, then I’ve successfully made the journey from beautiful Spain where it is mostly not raining and the temperature of 18 degrees to Canada a mostly cloudy day, with lots of snow and the temperature of -26 degrees. It will not be fun getting used to such weather! Although I will say I’ve succussed in attending midnight mass without mostly falling asleep. The middle parts are normally boring in any case. With hope that feelings of family will last until the summer,

Ame

*“In other words, individuals are expected to sacrifice part of their own freedom in order to not infringe the freedom of others” – Douglas Davies

An ambiguous retort on personal choice, not very helpful Professor Davies!

Worry dolls

Last night I had the very last of the Christmas cheeseses (spelling?) 😭

Yearly Goals
At time things seem really big, if they are big, they are scary, these aims are to try to do some smaller albeit still big things over this year. So, it might be February but after some consideration and with some help, these will be these that I am going to work towards over the year.

- Gain weight and do my best to maintain a healthy weight, sort of an issue with food and emotions are also included. After talking about it a lot, there are times when it feels like I need to control what is going on by controlling food. I’m not doing the things I used to do, which now I understand were really bad, just there is resistance because of my brain being naughty. It is ok to ask for help when my brain shouts at me not to eat something, for different reasons like someone else has touched it. My tummy doesn’t talk to my brain sometimes, this is a different problem but the emotions’ part is the more challenging aspect.
- Write in my diary every day, I do write to people and tell them things but using it more as a way to think about those things are troubling me and finding a solution by thinking outside of my naughty brain. I have been writing on my tablet and it is really a good way to think about things. I still talk to myself out loud which helps to but this way I can write down different plans or about the things I am worrying about, then try a few things that might sort it out. After already doing this for a few weeks, it is also weird to discover things that I did not know I was worrying about.
- Be more confident in myself. Not sure how to go about doing that. Still, after talking it over with Suzanna it might be that I do not believe I can do certain things. So, if I keep giving myself little challenges and recording it when I achieve them, then hopefully I will become more confident. Currently going for my 100 metres for swimming, it is difficult because I hate putting my face in the water and they will not accept be doing the 100 metres just on my back [I am a land animal]. I can either learn to do it or argue my way around the silly rule! Either one is fine, that certificate is mine!! At times I can become suddenly aware of myself and then that freaks me out and my face goes red.
- Seeing daddy even if its just over a zoom call and not in person, it will still be scary but it will be less scary. The social lady came up with this idea and that is good, because I can get either mommy or Suzanna to be with me… I don’t get the rules for this thing if I am being honest. The whole pandemic means that things are going slowly but that is ok. It feels not so big going from letters, to video calls plus if I have two people (perhaps the only two people in this part of Canada) that can understand a weird panicked version of English/French/Catalan, so it is very useful to have them there.

There are of course many other things I would like to do and will do but these are the four main ones. Luckily, I have people that can help me with them as well including the arguing. 😜

@Avaray @Avaray @Avaray @Avaray

Half a century!