Letters
I've been trying to write down my thoughts for ages, I never found the courage to actually do it... So this is just a try, I'm not a good writer, not a good talker, not if it's about myself... There are just a few things I have to get off my chest, and it's somehow easier to adress this to the people I'm talking about, so this will be a letter diary... So far I've only written one, perhaps it will be the only one, but the plan is to write more...
I tried to write it as careful as possible, but still....
++++TRIGGER WARNING+++ could trigger those of you who experienced abuse and/or violence++++TRIGGER WARNING++++childhood trauma++++
Dear father,
It's almost 16 years since I saw you for the last time, 16 years without your terror, 16 years, half of my life... With every day more I've spent more time without you than with you... And still, you're haunting me every day... I see you in every man with a blue shirt, I hear you in every raised voice, I feel you in every nightmare... I'm telling myself I'm over it, the last half of my life has been so much better, the good overweighs the bad, the horror is over... I am happy with my life, I have people around me who love me and which I love more than my life... Oh and yeah, even if you tried to cast that out of me like exorcising a demon, I'm happily in love with a man, perhaps abusing your son wasn't the best way of curing him of a misguided sexuality....
talking about raising a son, we have a son, he's a wonderful human, he's so kind, so sensitive and fragile, scared of the world and the people in it, but he's amazing, you would hate him, cause he's like me, he's different and he's broken but yet so perfect and I would protect him with my life... It is so easy to raise a child, they are so perfect as they are, all they need is a bit of affection, a helping hand every now and then, a gentle touch, a loving word, that's all... For your children you are god and you were mine, a vicious god, a disgusting and overwhelming god... You destroyed me a billion times, you broke me in pieces, with every punch, every kick, every broken bone, every bruise... You shattered my soul with every touch and I've been a good boy, because of the little presents you left on my nightstand, I thought that's normal, I thought that's how it has to be and of course nobody talks about it cause you don't want anybody be envious of the presents you got... I knew others didn't get presents, so I thought they probably didn't behave well enough or they aren't as loved as me... The others thought I have a great father, cause of course I told them about my presents, not what I did for getting them, cause then they would do that too and would get presents, but I showed them around... And well, the bruises, the broken bones, after all I've been a boy, a very fragile boy... And people tend to see what they want to see, a little boy who's quite clumsy, who loves to ride, who loves to dance, who loves to be inside and who's just a bit quieter than others, nothing to worry about... Nobody knew how I spent my weekends, that according to my behaviour I either spent them in my room or in my cellar room... Nobody knew that I couldn't decide if liked it better to be a good boy or a bad boy, what's better, a bruised body or a bruised soul? Pest or cholera? In the end it didn't matter, that's what I started to realize as I grew up, no matter what I did, how I behaved or not behaved, how I tried to be... Normal boys climb on trees, that's sth you once told me... I tried that, and I liked it, cause I always liked trees, but my trousers got dirty and you made me decide between the belt, the branch or the crop... I prefered the crop, hurts more during the beating, but heals better...
After all those years, I honestly would like to talk to you, have a totally neutral and reasonable conversation with you... I would really like to know why you did that, how it feels to abuse your own son again and again, how it feels to be satisfied by your own son, how it feels to see your son starving himself, cause eating is the only part of his life he is able to control, how it feels when the arm of a tiny 14 year old breaks under your hand. I'd like to know if you really thought you were right. But you knew you aren't right, cause if, you wouldn't have found excuses for the doctors who took care of my bones... Of course you knew that, you've never been dumb, you've always been so proud of all your degrees and your success, so certainly not dumb... But a man has to be tough to be that succesful, right? You know what? I am a man and I am f** tough, I survived, I may be broken, but I'm not defeated and I still can be a loving parent, I still can love my man, I still can be tiny, I still can wear make up if I feel like that, I still can have long hair, nothing of that makes me be less of a man... You couldn't defeat me, you couldn't change how I am, you only made me stronger, you made me more sensible for the cruel world we're living in, you made me more understanding for people's needs, you made me be more me, not less me... And in the end you were right 'you get what you deserve' wasn't that your favourite saying before beating me up? We all get what we deserve, I got a loving family....
Your son
oh hell!! I forgot sth, sth positive, yeah, sometimes I'm so overwhelmed with all my sorrows that I forget the positives completely 
ok, so here it is, ehm beware of tmi, well 
my man and I kind of got closer, like well, yeah perhaps that's why I'm overly emotional today? hm, shouldn't it calm me down? oh well, yeah, I can even interpret and overanalyze things like that... but ok, fact is, we got closer, not the whole way through, but I only slightly panicked and had to take a little breathing break, but it was, hm, nice? now I'm gonna look for a hole to sink in.... good night...
@courteousNorth5140
Yay 
@agreeableKite4304
I'm sorry, you got me wrong, you didn't make me feel uncomfortable, I made myself feel uncomfortable with posting on the check in, I'm just not ready to share anything personal where everybody reads it, that makes me feel uncomfortable and I should just know that by now... so absolutely not your fault, your words were brilliant, like always, I just don't feel like I have the right to draw anybody's attention to me, I know that's somehow not right, but I can't change it right now... so I just panicked a bit... and that's why I'm writing my answer here and not in the check in... I'm really sorry... I really appreciate your words and everything what you're doing here, it's just this deep down feeling in me that I'm not worth it and right now I can't shake that feeling off... I think you're an amazing person, honestly and I'm sorry if I made you secondguess what you wrote... not your fault, really 
ok, hi diary, thought I could perhaps write a bit, so here I am...
been at the doctor's a again, another week at home and physiotherapy, yay... not yay... slightly panicky only by the word, well, I know I have to go and yay me, immediately made an appointment for tomorrow, woohoo!
had a really weird dream last night, lots of confusing things, can't really recall it, but left a bitter taste and a worrying feeling behind... Called the clinic in the morning to see if little one is ok, well, I don't know, after such dreams I somehow always have the need to check if everybody around me is ok, gotta check some more...
hm, I'm reading this Complex PTSD book right now and somehow rationally I get all of that, well, that's at least sth, I understand it, well right now it's about Self-Mothering and Self-Fathering, yeah, I know that, I mean, I totally get it, not having received the unconditional love as a baby just screws shit up, low self-esteem, low ability to trust in others, well, I guess much more, a mother should love you, a father should protect you, guess those are the two main traits parents should provide... ok, so Self-Mothering... the author recommends to speak to my inner child, well, hi inner child... there are these Reparenting Affirmations I should tell my inner child, like for example 'I am so glad you were born', 'You are a good person', 'I am always glad to see you' 'You are a delight to my eyes' 'I am very proud of you'... ehm, yeah... ok, I somehow can accept that others tell me that, that they see me from a different point of view, that I am a good person for somebody else, that there are people who are glad that I've been born, that they even are proud of me, well, no, I guess that's a bit too much... But I for myself, nope, I can't see myself that way... so I don't know how it should work... it's like this mirror exercise, when you have to stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself such things, yeah, quite similar... don't like mirrors very much, well, needed for putting on make up and making my hair, sometimes to see if shirt goes well with pants, but well, I think I'm quite good at looking into a mirror without really seeing myself... not gonna tell that my therapist, cause then these mirror exercises start again ugh... ok, so, no idea how to speak to my inner child... and actually, hm, I don't know if my mother perhaps loved me as baby, I mean, nobody remembers being a baby... and I don't really remember much of my mother, just her room, that it's always been dark in there and I had to be quiet... and there were always lots of books in her room... I have one picture of her, she was a really beautiful woman, well, but on the picture she's been younger, hm, actually I have no idea how old she was... should look that up somewhere... well, it's kind of weird, that woman on the picture was my mother and I don't know anything about her, but she doesn't look mean on the pic, not like if she'd hated me... so, perhaps if just one thing went a bit differently, everything could have been fine... yeah, some kind of a dream I always had as a child, that my mother didn't die, she just went away and would come back to save me... well, the problem is, I'm 100% sure she died, found her dead in her room, guess that's my first real memory, so yeah, just a dream... and such a normal dream! so, I guess I can state, within all my craziness I am perfectly normal, having exactly the 'right' feelings and thoughts, I am exactly how I ought to be regarding my life... Everything's quite easily to explain, I'm not an exceptional case, not at all... perhaps that's at least sth, I mean, I'm not normal normal, like normal people with perfect families and life, but I'm perfectly normal for growing up in this house, with this father and without a mother... Guess that's somehow acceptance? Hell, that even sounds like I am ok like I am!! Oh damn it, accidentally just wrote sth positive about myself........ and cause every exercise has to end with a positive experience, I'm going to end here....
naaah, I'm not done yet... fuck positivity laugh cause feels like cutting out the negative, so I'll write a bit more, about sth negative, buuuut try to see it positively, if that makes sense....
ok, so yesterday, and the day before yesterday even more, were really bad... and well, I guess that's my own fault, cause I just overstrained myself, cause the days before were quite ok, quite reflective and calm, so I thought I could give it a try, or even worse, I didn't think at all... ok, so first the thing about getting closer to my man again, yeah, that was a huge step, accepting that I actually liked it was a even huger step... but then I started to overthink again, and somehow ended up in the spiral of it wasn't enough, not good enough, not what he really would need or want, no matter what he says, and the panic of, if I allowed it one time I can't step back from it again, like now there's only one direction, forward and more, sooo.... yeah, kind of craaaaazy... and I don't know, well, my man is not at all pressuring me, absolutely not, well, he somtimes tries sth, but feels in an instant if I'm ok with it or not... but, he's not a big talker, so I guess communication with him is always a bit difficult, well, he can talk about his computers or right now his newest hobby, those nerf guns, for hours, for days... but well, when it's about feelings, hm, yeah, silence... and I'm more like, talking about feelings and thoughts and such stuff, yes please, for hours and hours, if it's about sth like day to day life, ehm, nope, not worth talking about... so we have a communication problem... there it is... I know that, hell, I know so many things, still screwing it up... ok what did I want to say? ehm.... oh yeah, he's not pressuring me, that's good, but, he's not pressuring me at all! Like, well, I wonder, hm, does he even want to get closer again? I mean, yeah, damn it, hard to write about it without saying anything... well, ok, I'm quite sure he has some kind of needs, you know, well, I'm not silly, and well, I guess I kind of have the same needs, well, physically... but well, there is this conflict between being thankful for him not being pressuring and the fear of him not being pressuring cause he doesn't want him, cause he somehow perhaps is glad that our physical contact minimized to nearly non existant... ok, so well, he cheated on me before, hm, guess I'm scared that will happen again, or I'm not scared, cause then he would have his needs satisfied and I'm like 99% sure he wouldn't leave me, even if he'd cheat on me... it's all weird inside of me... and a part of me really misses it, him, well, the physical... hm, I guess sth I just can't get over is, that he cheated on me with girls... yeah... can't really tell how that makes me feel, it's just, well, I'm already so confused about myself about what I am, well, being this in between kind of thing, and then him... well, it's like, yeah, I'm somehow the perfect mix, but that's the problem, I don't want to be the perfect mix, a compromise somehow, well, I guess that's how I feel, like I'm the compromise he has to make... and yeah, I know, we just have to talk about it..... ok, so I end this chapter here now, cause yeah, not gonna solve it... gotta talk to him....
but this was only the start of the weekend... so yeah, gotta talk about my post on saturday's check in, hm, should have thought about posting before actually posting... well, I've been avoiding the check ins, not cause I wouldn't have anything to share, just cause I'm not feeling comfortable with saying anything 'in public', and well, actually not even that, that got a bit better lately, it's more like this feeling of not having the right of catching anybody's attention, not being worth of the support, or well, perhaps like, there are more important issues, people who need the support more than me, yeah, I guess that's it... and actually I'm perfectly ok with that, it's like, well, if everybody else is ok, yeah, well, then there's time and space for me, perhaps... but then I couldn't speak either, cause then I'd perhaps pull anybody down... so yeah, getting support is difficult for me... just can't feel like I'm worth it... so I've felt really guilty about my post, still do, kept myself from asking for deleting it, what's slightly positive... ok, but this feeling of guilt and shame and worthlessness, well, it really hit me, brought up some really bad memories and some really bad urges... the good is, I didn't do anything really bad, hm, guess I've been scratching myself a bit, but been able to stop it again, cut down my nails, so nothing really bad, but still.... not good.... so, yesterday was better, although my mind felt like there are just too many thoughts at once to pick a single one, well, I really really wanted to talk, I tried to, but just couldn't get anything out... and yeah, the same urges... didn't act on them, but just feels like I'm supressing everything and I'm scared of somehow losing control... but I managed to take a little walk in the afternoon, alone, only around the block, but at least sth... ehm yeah, but, sth worrying, sth I need to think about, well, I walked out of the door and just started walking, without really thinking about it and somehow I startd walking toward a place I shouldn't go, well, yeah, going to just say it now, the place I used to meet with my dealer... well, luckily turned around somewhere, but yeah, I'm scared of myself...
and then this dream last night, hell, I have no idea, everything mixed up, complete confusion, my poor brain trying to process all of it at once and I honestly feel sorry for my brain, cause I can't really help, feels like I somehow leave it alone with processing all of that... guess it'll just give up anytime soon... having a weird picture on my mind brain just packing it's bag, and walks away 'I'm done with this shit, I'm outta here' leaving behind a drooling, useless body.... ok, so I'm bagging my brain not to give up yet, to give me another chance.... Dear brain, I promise to try making more sense, ok?
ok... and now I think I've said anything I needed to say right now.... Giving poor brain some rest....
Have to go to physiotherapy now, scared as fuck... asked for having a female therapist, don't know if that's better or worse... but will meet my man there, he'll go there with me, so nothing bad will happen, right? damn it... will have to get undressed there... will I? ok, slightly panicking.... should I say sth? like that I don't like to be touched? perhaps my man can say it... a bit weird, but well, fuck it... should have asked if they can come here, but then again, I don't like strangers in my home... ok, gotta calm down... 3 minutes... I want to run again, so physiotherapy... gotta go...
@courteousNorth5140 hope it went well North.
@wizeakre @agreeableKite4304 @perfectStorm426
thank you for thinking of me and crossing your fingers, wow, guess I somehow didn't think I'd get replies ehm yeah, I am that silly....
so yeah, it all went ok, my man was there with me, I've been shaking like hell, guess there were a few tears, well, never be comfortable with getting undressed in front of a stranger, hm, lots of scars to see there, so yeah... and the therapy itself, hurt as fuck but it's ok, so went through it, everything fine... and got icecream afterwards yay! Thank you all so much
sooo, today.... hm, I think I should try to write here every day, well, ok, when I feel like writing anything... or not, no I think I should write sth everyday... so when I don't feel like writing I could write 'today sucks' or sth like that... but that would be quite pointless, right? hmm, I don't know, but perhaps I could really use this thing a bit better, like a progress curve or sth like that... or not
ok, anyways, today... I'm in a quite good mood... partly even hilarous... my back and my leg hurts as fuck, physiotherapy yesterday really fired that up, I even have bruises on my back 
so yeah.... so much about that... and I had therapy today, the other one with a p 
so my therapist visited me at home, at 12:30pm, I've been still in my pjs and the flat was a mess but fuck it... oh but I've been thoughtful enough to put my PTSD book and some cookies on the table, yeah, I'm such a good boy, I'm reading my book and eating 
ok, so as I suspected he wanted me to go outside, meeeeh, this going outside, I don't know... so we went outside, sat down on the first bench at the par, cause poor me can't walk further what a great excuse this back.... oh and I've been in such a good mood, so I've been talking and talking and talking, about random stuff, I'm quite sure he even analyzes the random blah stuff and gets som infos out of it, so yeah.... then there was this dog playing on the meadow and it was sooo cute, really, a light brown with white feet and a white nose, the owners were throwing a ball and the dog was just totally happy with bringing it back again and again, sat down in front of them with sth like a dog-smile on his face and yeah, it was just cute... so I've been totally delighted and awww look the cute dog and that's so cute and just look the dog and so on, yeah I really am like that, sorry, so my damned therapist had the fucking nice idea that I could just walk to the owners and ask if I can stroke the dog and play with it.... well, he said that and I've looked at him like that 
well, he burst out laughing, but hell, he was serious about that... so luckily I've been in a good mood, I think on another I would have yelled at him for that shit, or just walked away.... buuut, today, so I went over to the owners and well, said sth like 'hi, my therapist over there wanted me to ask you if I can stroke the dog and play with him for a bit, I know that's a bit crazy, but your dog is so cute, what's his name?' don't remember the exact words, but sth like that, I think I even said sth about social anxiety, yeah, crazy... so said that all without taking a breath and they looked at me totally baffled for a moment, but then smiled and said his name is Leo and sure I can stroke him and handed me the ball... so I stroke him and threw the ball a few times, then said thanks and bye and went back to my therapist.... he looked a bit baffled too hah! there you go
funny about that is, that this is exactly one of the exercises we are doing with little one... so, we're having the same therapy, woohoo... and I'm actually really great when doing those exercises with little one... we've been training things like for example going into a bakery and buy a piece of cake or sth like that, no problem for me to assist him there... the exercise with the dog in the park, we've done that a few times with little one, and the first times I went to the people with him and asked them, or made some kind of introduction... it's like that about a lot of things, eating for example, I can tell little one why he has to eat, I can explain him what food does for him, why he doesn't have to be afraid of it, that it's ok not to like some things, that he deserves food and so on... I can't tell that myself... memories are only memories, they can't hurt you, they only have so much power over you as you let them to have, dreams are only dreams, they can't hurt you.... don't know how often I said those things... and still, on some days I am just completely wrapped up in my memories, I have horrible body memories at night and there's no grounding that could help it, only curling up into a ball and wait til it's over... so I'm great with all of these things, theoretically.... just can't use it on myself... and well, that's sth, hmm, it makes me sad, cause I don't know, it feels like, no matter how much I learn and know about how to heal, I feel like I can't use it for myself... well, I'm reading that book, still at the same chapter, so no news so far, but I often catch myself thinking about little one or even others here while reading it, like, oh yeah yeah, had a bad childhood, all fine, but little one.... I don't know, perhaps I just need more time until it sinks in... cause right now I feel, no matter what I read or hear, what my therapist or anybody else tells me, I'm just like 'I know...' cause, yeah, I really know all of those things, I just can't take action somehow... and yeah, right now I'm in a good mood, I've been visiting little one again in the late afternoon, my man came with me, we had a good time, joking around, playing with his plushies, reading a book, my man fell asleep so yeah, I know my moods have a huge effect on little one, when I'm in a good mood he goes along with it, he adapts his own mood, lately I've often been in bad moods, well, bad is the wrong word, hm, confused and well, overwhelmed, devasted at times... so he picked up those moods as well... and yeah, I'd like to say, it's my fault, he's feeling bad when I'm feeling bad, so him feeling bad is my fault... and then I'm not able to handle it all, get more and more overwhelmed by my own emotions, everything becomes too much and little one ends up in psychiatry... hmmm, perhaps it'd be better we'd swap places... yeah, so I just think it's somehow unfair that he gets locked away cause of my incapability... I know that doesn't sound like good mood at all, sorry, this IS my good mood... wouldn't write about it in a bad mood...
o, so more about good mood day... my man and me talked a bit on the way to the clinic, told him about the dog exercise, he laughed his ass off, and immediately told me that I won't get a dog, despite all this puppy eye thing ok, so no dog for me 
oh and we walked hand in hand and he even put his arm around me for a while and it was totally ok, quite nice actually what reminds me, wanted to use that good mood when coming back home
ok, so tomorrow I'll have the next physio appointment, still scared, but I think asking for a female therapist was a good decision, also, well, I guess I won't ever get what others think of me out of my head, no matter how nice or friendly they are... well, my man always say, people are free to think whatever they like... yeah, easier said...
hey diary, yeah, I said once a day, so it's 00:40, it's thursday... and I can't sleep... listening to, what? Foo Fighter?? wtf?? Social Distortion, way better, thank you youtube, just get it, no Foo Fighters, no Red Hot Chilli Peppers, no Rage Against the Machine, thank you... so listening to music and... thinking... hello mind, where have you been all day? thinking of little one, if he's sleeping, right now probably yes... I miss him so fucking much... why can't I just be a tiny bit better? today he asked me if the fishies are ok and if they miss him and if I feed them everyday and don't forget about it... and he asked if I could perhaps bring our hot cinnamon chocolate and show them here how to make it... that's something I always make for him at night when he can't sleep... well, actually, hm, ok, seeing it all professional now, that he remembers the hot chocolate during the day is a good sign, cause normally he doesn't remember the nights, that's why therapy is so diffcult, cause most of the day he's perfectly ok, he doesn't understand what happens... or what happened... I know I'm dreading that, I know I gotta write about all of that one day, no idea if I'm able to do that... well, right now I'm sure I can't, I'd just break... well, adopting my little one was the best and the worst decision I ever made, doesn't make much sense, I love him with all of my heart, sorry to my man, but we are affecting each other a lot, my own memories are almost too much for me, his added is like the straw to break the camel's back... does that sound mean? like he's a burden? hmm, burden sounds so negative but well, of course it is burdening, I guess even a 'normal' child is burdening at times... and he's a 20 year old child, a very traumatized child... and I'm only a tiny bit better myself... I really need sleep...
@courteousNorth5140 hey! Dave grohl is an awesome guy! One of te best pure metal heads in thrash! Research my friend. I used 2 hate foo fighters too, till i learned about their front man dave. The others u listed/ 🤔🤢🤮🤕. Lmao. Hey bud, dont get urself down too much over the lil one. U did the right thing. Just think how much better things will be when he gets better. For real. Look at my world. Sometimes breaks make break throughs. You are sacrificing your time wit him right now, but think how much better things will be when he has a handle on himself. I know u miss him (totally get that missing someone important) but, lets just hope that because of the now,, the best is yet to come! Ur gonna be alright friend! Him too. And it will soon be awesome er than ever for you!
@PerfectStorm426
Thank you Storm... well, yeah, I know, rationally... just my feeling have to get that somehow... my spiralling mind really kills me, naah, I mean, you know what I mean... and exactly that's what my therapist means when he calls me a masochist, cause I am sitting here at 2 am, watching the clock and thinking of little one, knowing that he'll probably wake up any minute and I'm not there... yepp... self-torturing... buuut, trying to get myself out of this mood somehow... wait and see thank you for being here Stormy
@courteousNorth5140 i am here for ya buddy. I get the kid thing from my life of my ex. You did the right thing. And i believve your future and his future will be better because of this event. It sucks ass i know. I miss my exes lil guys everyday. But i did my best and im good wit that. You did and are doing your best to help him. Who could ask for anything more outta a parent? You released him for a positive outcome bo matter what or how it hurt you. Hmmm sounds like how my situation may be from the other view. But my friend. You are goin above and beyond which is scary as hell. But u know as much as i do... its a chance for the better. Im here for ya bud. (Hope bud dont set ya off/ think ur the only guy i talk to lol). So u do get a bit of a guy straight to tje point response. But i know the love and hurt that you feel. Ur doing just fine as mych as it hurts. You did right for all yalls future. And i am very proud of you for
steppin up like you did to at least try. Who can downfall that? Awesome.
Nope.... no sleep.... listening to music... just staying here... it's nice and comfy here...
Nirvana... not THE nirvana... the band... youtube... it's funny, you never know what's next... youtube is like my moods... unredictable... from Nirvana to NOFX... from Grunge to Punkrock within a second... that's me... nice image... I just gotta type until I fall asleep, that would be a nice image for my man in the morning Semisonic-Closing Time, I like that song... Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end..... quite poetic those guys... oh hell, we're definitely in the 90s here, Oasis-Wonderwall, haven't heard that for ages... oh but I loved Oasis and hated Blur of course.... my only problem about Oasis, they are from Manchester.... I am from Manchester... I don't like Manchester... ugly city, ugly people, but good music... perhaps that's why they made such depressive music... that's like Scandinavian Death Metal, if I'd have to live in darkness for half a year I'd become quite agressive too this is going to be a weird post... blink-182... funny... reminds me of long parties... how is that genre called? Garage Rock? is that even rock? punk rock? well.... Skate-Punk, yeah, that's good... one day I'll learn to play drums, gotta train my hand a bit... oh that's sth good, Queens of the Stone Age, quite unique, there's not much like Queens... can't listen to a full album, but a song is nice... oh Pearl Jam, yay... back at Grunge here... liked Nirvana more, but well, Pearl Jam still exist, Nirvana not so... I think I could play the drums on a grunge band... perhaps no death metal, they are a bit too fast probably, but grunge, yeah... The Destillers, that girl definitely smoked too much don't like many female singers, but that's quite good... oh a female singer I love, besides our karaoke stars here , The Pretty Reckless, love that girl... hah! that's sth I don't say often... btw, welcome to my mind, sudden mood changes at it's best... music is the key.... oh Stone Temple Pilots... don't have much to say about them I guess, too calm.... Social Distortion again, I love them... have a really great Social Distortion shirt, I think the only white shirt I own oh no, have another white shirt, damn it, what band? ehm.... Anti-Flag!! yepp... Alice in Chains... hmm... nope... Metallica? Nothing Else Matters? youtube!! how can you get there now? I mean, ok, it's ok... it's Metallica gonna be quiet for the next 6 minutes.... I have physiotherapy in 7 hours... just realised that... oh on the Metallica concert, that was so funny, whenever they started to play a ballad, my man 'ballad, gonna get beer' ok, that was a good one..... blink-182 again... hm, yeah, I know youtube, you like your US bands... I miss you are you kidding me?!? skip.... oh yay! The Offspring... love them... oh I so hope you all already gave up reading, this is totally silly.... and tomorrow part II Metal Bad Religion, one of my favourites, of the Punk side in me... gonna type quick here, cause rarely a song longer than 2minutes... absolute best Punkrock, for my taste... gotta see them live, really, urgently.... like, now would be nice... just don't like the shirts, hmmm.... oh I have one, still, anyway... they are on tour, but no uk dates skipped Social Distortion for more Bad Religion.... oh hell, Red Hot Chilli Peppers... skip... Smashing Pumpkins waaaay better... love them... 1979... love that voice... that's a really calming voice... ok destroying th surprise now, gotta look into the playlist... damn it 4 songs until System of a Down... you're getting sth wrong again youtube, but it's ok... I somehow think this is a good lullaby.... to everybody who really read this far, I'm sorry if you read this far and you didn't know the bands, shame on you... if you only read the last sentence cause you wanted to know how this ends, congratulations, wise decision... damn it Nirvana- Come as you are..... yepp, in pjs... good night everybody...
@courteousNorth5140
Night North hehehe, just reading through and I recognise most bands but hmm maybe being born early 90's didn't start listening to them til the 00's when I somehow got introduced to them, actually can't quite remember how I started listening to most bands, except Metallica which is a catch 22 for me both good and bad memories associated, like my pop loved them and used to play them in his garage but others also liked... Hope physio goes well, here for you, remember you are awesomely strong, stronger than you know and you are such a caring soul, love ya 💖
@calmLake1999
oh hell, you really read that well, that was really just an outburst of craziness, little emotional breakdown, perhaps a hysteric breakdown, I have no idea... but made me laugh to read it again...
well, I really recommend such music when you're down, especially the things I call good-mood-punk, sth like Offpring, Greenday or Blink-182, good for jumping around in your living room gotta do that sometimes... shakes off all the heavy thoughts... or get all your emotions out with The Cranberries, screaming Zombie at the top of your voice... yeah
thank you Calm 💖 it feels good to hear that you guys are believing in me... means a lot to me *hugs*
@courteousNorth5140 the gift of guilt and born in winter. Awesome songs. Gift of guilt can be taken 2 ways to me. Right now its about letting go and sad. But i now can see it as letting go of the guilt that shouldnt exist for the best future possible. It makes me shed a tear as i play it. But u guys may of given it a diff meaning. Never let go of the memories you have. And never stop fighting for tje best future you can. Why settle for a fake second best. When u can have the best ever. Keep goin. Keep fightin, and keep self sacrificing for the best outcome. You are doin right from what i see. For a new world. And that is pure awesomeness. U will see that soon. U have to.
@PerfectStorm426
Thank you Storm I really like Born in Winter, resonates with me somehow, I like that about being born from the burst of a star... that's actually sth I'm saying quite often, we are all just stardust in the wind... it's like, well, accepting or realising how small and minuscule we are in the big picture... and for me that somehow doesn't make myself smaller, it just minimizes the weight or the importance of my problems... so yeah, that spoke to me... And yeah, you're getting me completely right here, somehow I'm fighting for a new and better world, even if I know that's perhaps impossible, but I'm trying to make my North World as good as possible... and nope, never giving up fighting, giving up isn't an option, not anymore... thank you Storm *hugs* really means a lot to me that you're all here somehow...
nope, not gonna do Part II of my hysterical music listening... no music today... just the wind and me... the plan is going to bed after I finish this, so hopefully before midnight, 37 minutes, I can type fast...
sooo, today... I've been totally drained, a bit confused and light headed, and again, hilarous at times, but ok, that's perfectly fine... had physiotherapy in the morning, my man went with me again, well, I said he doesn't have to, I can do this alone, but well, he's right, I can't, sometimes I somehow want to be stronger than I am, oh well, he knows me better sometimes... so well, somehow panicked there, don't know why, guess it's been a bit too crowded and loud somehow, hm, been throwing up... yeah, had a great start this morning btw, I miss my android emojis when I'm on my laptop, but it's so much easier to type... afterwards I visited little one, well, was a bit of a bad time, only caught him for half an hour between therapies, but he's been quite ok... talked to one of his therapists about his eating, cause well, that's really bad, lunch is ok, but breakfast and dinner are nearly impossible... again the discussion about medication, cause yeah, it would increase his apetite, well, told him I don't think apetite is a problem, he has an aversion against food, feels like he doesn't deserve it, it's not that he isn't hungry or starves himself cause he wants to keep his weight... they don't really like being lectured about their job weird could have added, next time perhaps think before talk... oh well, hm... I know they are partly right, I'm not completely stupid or just stubborn, it's just, well, nope, I'm still stubborn about this... I don't know, perhaps there is a better treatment somewhere? but well, he knows that clinic, that's why I never even thought about other options... being away from home is hard enough and that clinic is at least familiar, you could say it's already like a second home... and well, I work there, normally, he knows the therapists and nurses... so I think it is the best option we have right now... the medication topix, hm, gonna talk to my boss about it... But brought him his hot chocolate with cinnamon, put it on the table in his room with a little instruction for the nurses, hope they actually make him some... well, they seem to make him at least sth, cause as he asked for the hot chocolate he said he wants it cause he doesn't like the milk they have there...
tried to sleep a bit as I returned home, guess I rested a bit, perhaps even slept half an hour... well, the pain was horrible after physio and the visit, so I took some painkillers, didn't make my thoughts any clearer spent the afternoon with music again, tried to read a bit, but couldn't focus... well, in the evening I tried this getting closer to my man again, worked quite well, no problem with laying on the couch together, cuddling and snuggling and a tiny bit more, but well then he somehow blocked... hm, it's a difficult topic, and perhaps, probably, quite certainly, not the right topic for here... so I just gotta end this whole topic with, I'm frustrated, yepp... but besides that I'm quite fine well, besides being frustrated with my man, worried about little one, over-tired, in pain cause of my silly back and all together just a bit confused and weeeeeird as fuck, yeah, besides that I'm fine ok, it's 00:12am, 12 minutes longer, but my man came in and I stopped to type for a moment, so I guess that's ok... Good night