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Complex Trauma? ***trigger warnings***sexual and physical abuse

purpleWest8143 March 1st, 2018

Today Ive decided to start my own journal in here rather than dumping in the daily check ins. I feel like there might actually be some benefits for me to get all of this crap out somewhere and it just feels too vulnerable to be putting it onto paper.

A year ago I finally received a formal diagnosis of primary PTSD with dissociative symptoms and secondary diagnosis of GAD. I have now also received another diagnosis query of ADD/ADHD - more on the ADD end.

I grew up in a super strict Baptist home with what everyone viewed as a loving stable home. I was bright, super inquisitive, outgoing and considered gifted. My parents saw me as argumentative and questioning them all the time. I questioned the world and everything around me- I wanted to understand things! They get this now.

At 14 I ran away. I felt like I was never listened to or heard. My feelings were continually invalidated. I wasnt encouraged or allowed to be me, or supported in this. I was forced to be and act a certain way. I was told I had to do it their way or I couldnt live there. So I left.

I wasnt getting what I needed from my parents- the unconditional love and support to grow into my true self. I am just connecting this now with the help of my Psychologist

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purpleWest8143 OP April 5th, 2018

This is also the kind of stuff that I know I need to be able to just let become fly bys. To expect that it is going to happen fro my ex husband and to not let it effect me. I have tried varying my approach to him every possible way over the years and nothing works. I have tried being empathetic, acknowledging his feelings and frustration. I have tried praising his strengths and thanking him for the things he does do. Absolutely nothing works. He fights everything, hes combative and atacks me lashing out about everything like I am personally attacking him on every level. He is in absolute denial about everything going on with our daughter because he refuses to listen or hear anything I or her tell him about whats happening for her here. Shes only at his home once a month since he didnt return her from a weekend visit in 2014 and I had to get an emergency court order until we had a proper order in place, this was while he was dragging me through drawn out legal proceedings seemingly on purpose. Basically filing for things in court and then showing up without necessary paperwork so it just kept costing me money for my lawyer. He continually belittles me and is sarcastic to me in front of our daughter in subtle ways. I am at a total loss in dealing with this man. And I dont have the $ or energy to be going back to court. Im burnt out dealing with him.

purpleWest8143 OP April 5th, 2018

I want to be able to be concentrating on what is going on in front of me - my daughter, my well being, figuring out this relationship stuff. I dont want to be angry and feeling like someone is doing something to me and Im not sure right now how to get out of that frame of mind as thats how I always end up feeling when dealing with him. Attacked. Abused. Blamed. Everythings my fault (according to him). I end up thinking I have to defend myself. I tense up and feel stressed out, waiting for a bomb to drop , worrying that hes going to drag me to court again. Try to file for custody again (which is absolutely absurd but no more than the first time he tried and his family has money). And he obviously is not learning anything because he keeps doing the same things and its been 9 years of dealing with him fighting me on ever single thing.

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purpleWest8143 OP April 5th, 2018

Feeling a little bit clearer on things after therapy today.

Psychologist feels Ive made a lot of growth since the fall and its natural to be questioning my needs in my relationship. Especially when theres so much trauma in my past which typically creates extra relationship struggles - as one grows stronger and gains more clarity their needs will change. This is something thats also been on my mind lately and being worried about hurting boyfriend in the process. I need the space to be doing my healing work and hes absolutely terrified about losing me but its a very real possibility. The thing is, the more he allows this fear to take him over and impact his day to day - the more it will actually push me away.

As for daughter # 2 and ex husband the discussion with Psych basically came down to finding ways for her to be asserting her needs to her dad. Ie. she could be the one to tell her dad about dance commitment on her scheduled visit weekend and propose an alternate plan to him. As me sheltering her from his ridiculousness isnt helping anyone yet, me telling her what hes doing would only make her think Im trying to make him look bad. The only thing that makes me nervous about this type of plan is not being privy to the conversation and his actual response to her.

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PerfectStorm426 April 5th, 2018

@purpleWest8143 I am sure that you probably know this and considered this and maybe even attemted this as you are a very smart woman. And I also know that you do not have a clue on what I am going through (probably do not- and thats fine, thats not why i am posting) but i know that you love your boyfriend, and he loves you. From where I stand, true love is one of the, if not THE most important thing in the world. If you dig deep inside of your heart, passed all the protective walls that you have and the scars from the past, you will see your true feelings unfiltered. If because of the hiccups you guys are going through right now, this relationship fails, will you ever be truely ok with it being gone? If the answer is no you wont, which i suspect, then if he is too clingy and you need space, the word compromise comes to mind. As does communication. 2 of the most important things in a relationship. I am betting there is a good chance that you guys need this lil break. And come back and talk about this together. Without him saying "you do this, you need to do this " and likewise goes for you as well. In your talk, try saying "we, we, us..." its all about you guys and the relationship. Its a give a lil take a lil from both of you guys of course. Sorry if i am off base. I tend to insert my own experiences into other situations which really are not related at all. But been with you the last few days and was waiting to find my words to say correctly. Best wishes West.

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purpleWest8143 OP April 5th, 2018

@PerfectStorm426 ahhh storm I really appreciate this and a male perspective is much appreciated πŸ˜‰ I dont know what youre going through and please feel free to share here with me if youd like ❀️

There are SO Many aspects of things about our relationship Im questioning and it feels like almost too much to even be trying to figure out right now. I agree that real love is hard to find and Im pretty sure that we both have that for each other but part of what Im questioning is if that TRULY is actually enough? One thing that came up today in therapy is that because of the brain injury, he will never quite be functioning on the same level as me on all pillars- will this be enough for me? There will always be some degree of me having to do things - am I truly ok with that and is he truly ok with that? Such as the finances for example. I have a hard enough time keeping myself organized.... in any other scenario, one person managing the $ would be seen as controlling and abusive so unless there was a full desire of me doing this it wouldnt be a good scenario and not something I would want to have any part of. Gawd. Hes sooo pure hearted..... like I end up getting upset because he blows a whole weeks wages and tips on my bday present instead of paying his bills and his phone got cut off. Because he didnt care (and had Mia planned) and wanted so badly to get me something special. See.... pure intentions but misplaced.

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purpleWest8143 OP April 5th, 2018

And by upset I don

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PerfectStorm426 April 6th, 2018

@purpleWest8143. Ya know another thing comes to mind as well after re reading. You mentioned that you have to take care of him because of the injury. Do you think (as per my "men feel like they gotta protect" talk) that he is feeling quite inadequate and appreciative of you at the same time. Which is why he goes a lil extreme with gifts and clinging to you? He also sounds a lil scared not only of loosing you, but loosing someone who can take care of him as well as love him. Im givin u allot to chew on, huh? Sorry...

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PerfectStorm426 April 6th, 2018

@PerfectStorm426 why da hell did it flip these. Read the bottom first

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PerfectStorm426 April 6th, 2018

@purpleWest8143. Well, i will start with saying thank you for offering to listen. I am pretty gun shy as its quite complex. I know u got my back and that feels good. Thank you. Now, as for the misplaced part at the end. To you it was, to physical reality it was. But to him it was not. He was sacrificing for his girl. I would do the same thing really. I understand how you see that. I truely do beyond you may ever know. But, when a guy truely feels his heart, there is nothing that he will not do. He sounds old fashioned, chivalrous, like me. Where you come first, i know in this day and age, girls wanna be equal. And that is cool. But we men still need to feel like a protector. We want to put u on a pedestal and just love you no matter what. I understand too that physical needs in reality are super important. But everymorning i look in my mirror, i see a strong man. A leader. Contrary to most of my messages, I am very smart as well. But, my mind and heart are all but shattered. So what is more important? Emotional health or physical health? My physical strength is nothing without heart and happiness. Its all in where you place the most value. You sound like you have the ingredients to fall right in the middle which is pretty darn good. As for the taking care of him thing. Well, if you both were married and perfectly healthy, and 2 years later there was a car crash and you got hurt bad. Would ya kinda not care if he took care of u forever? Harsh maybe. But true?

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PerfectStorm426 April 6th, 2018

I hope I did not upset you further, west. Maybe i poured out my cup a lil too fast. If you ever have any questions for me that may help you; please ask. I truely do not mind trying to help at all. In all honesty i do believe too many people settle just to fit in to the text book world. But maybe what you got is magical. If i sounded harsh or calling u out, so to say, i was not. I get what u feel totally. But i may get what he feels too. I have been biting my tongue for a couple days and thats no lie. I hate to see people hurt, when all they need maybe, is just a glimpse into the other side. To see the real value of it all. Perhaps I was too early jumping in here. But if I can help I will try. Why should people suffer if I can offer up a bit of help to maybe skew the views to maybe see what is really there off to the side. Its hard, I know. But the brightest things are often the hardest to get to. Some things truely are worth the effort. Its all up to you and what you value the most.

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purpleWest8143 OP April 6th, 2018

@PerfectStorm426 no storm, you havent said too much at all. If I think youre off base Ill say so kindly πŸ˜‰ I welcome your input and I find having other perspectives helpful. All of the points youve brought up are totally bang on I think. The part that gets really mucky is unravelling the stuff that has less to do with the logical part of my thinking, you know? My logic tends to be pretty rational usually (so I think anyways). Its trying to figure out my true underlying needs that propel my body reactions etc. So I think this is part of what my psych was eluding to today about needing time to get centred with my true self better so that I have a clear picture. I have totally pictured the scenario of what if something happened to me tomorrow like I became a paraplegic, or something even less severe. I know he would want to take care of me but would never be able to. It would not even be a possibility. My family would have to. Hands down. Thats a scary thought as it feels like in sickness or health is only one sided for us.

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PerfectStorm426 April 6th, 2018

@purpleWest8143. Right. I wasnt insinuating that it would happen. Just if the roles were reversed tween you guys, to help you see things more balanced. I know you are trying to do what is right and fair in your eyes for his benefit, what i think is most difficult, is trying to see what is best for him and you through his eyes too. Example from storm world, i was pushed away because she thought i deserved better, that she was not good enough, and i didnt deserve to wait. So not fair. Thats something that i decide, but her hurt made her make choices, that on paper make complete sence. But in reality, shattered my heart. I kinda read that this is what ur going through. Thats why i felt i should at least try to say something. Like i said, i do have a bad habit of reading something and connecting it to my dilemma. And i could be waaaay off target. But if i am not, then this may help you.

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purpleWest8143 OP April 6th, 2018

@PerfectStorm426 That's definitely a part of things - but yes, I do believe that that is his choice to make - to a certain degree anyway. If I completely thought i was destroyinh him wholeheartedly than I would def end things right then and there. The problem is that I see him putting everything into me - and not working on his own self at all. I really believe that if he would put more effort and time into self care and developing his self things would be more balanced. Specifically with getting some support with the brain injury related stuff - therapy for managing emotions and impulsivity, organization and budgeting etc.

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PerfectStorm426 April 6th, 2018

@purpleWest8143 agreed. Thats why it is a good thing that you are taking a bit of a break. Clearing your mind. Listening to my balogna lol. Getting things in line and as wize said earlier, helping things along so that the relationship stops being a hinderance, and becomes what it truely should be. I applaud your willingness to see other views and utilize them in making your decisions. Its very honorable that even when you do not understand or know what kind of feelings you are having, that you still see a future with him and are giving things time to plan an attack. With This being said, i definitely agree that this all needed to happen for you guys. That way you can work in the weakness within the relationship and compromise on a common good for it to continue growing. Awesomeness.

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CaloenasNicobarica April 6th, 2018

Storm's always good at bringing some fresh perspectives to things. <3

I'm gonna play the devil's advocate here and offer a different view. In my current relationship, I've had time to think about what I've truly wanted from other relationships that aren't being provided in this relationship. For one, this one is straight up abusive. I essentially came to the point where I realized this was over and it was dead but I'm still making my way out. Soon after, I started trying to find my own voice. What do -I- really want from a relationship? Honestly, I just jumped into this one because of a crisis. I had no one but him. So really taking the time to identify my wants and needs helped me solidify as a person. I then looked at what I had and realized there was much more I wanted than could be provided.

The kicker here...is I'm actually considered the position of the "sicker one". My agoraphobia/social anxiety/cptsd prevent me from doing a lot. I couldn't leave the house for ages so it was mostly him taking care of me. What I learned later on was I was being kept that way. But I had also ACCEPTED my role as the one being cared for. I've seen it a lot with codependent types. My best friend was that way, got with someone she just wanted to take care of so she would feel needed. It creates an unequal dynamic. While the whole "in sickness and health" thing is nice, how do we really feel without that noble foil? Can you live with things being unchanging the rest of your life? Eventually, I got the will to change despite him trying to keep me in that role. I decided I didn't want to burden others and I would do what I could to foster myself and not be a pain in the ass to others. Meanwhile, my SO stagnates and refuses to look at what harm he is causing.

The thing that's really important... If they are sick or have some horrible burden to deal with, are they willing to do what they can for themselves at least? Otherwise, you're pretty much raising another child. I made sure to do things while I was still really bad off like the around the house chores and stuff without going outside. And little by little I can now make my own appointments and am on my way back to driving and stepping out on my own. I don't know. Those roles can be very powerful things. Reminded of that experiment with the mock prison.

Anyway, whatever conclusion you come to... I think taking the time to listen to your own voice, to really hear what West has to say will be of great benefit to you. Sending you much love, West!

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PerfectStorm426 April 6th, 2018

@CaloenasNicobarica. I support you as well. Your power to escape the situation you are in and that one day you decided to follow thru gives me hope that the waiting that i do now, may someday be worth it. Your story does impact me and keeping that glimmer of hope alive. Just know that your real SO is out there waiting. How long should he wait? Lol.

purpleWest8143 OP April 6th, 2018

@CaloenasNicobarica your perspective here is what is a really hard one to discuss with people because it is pretty complicated. When there is illness and or injuries involved, it has been a real mind f&*k for me to wrap my head around where co-dependancy begins, where "care"/ support is necessary and needed, and when to just hold space for someone or in this case a life partner. It partially comes down to my own perception of things as well as his too, I think. A year and a bit ago I was sort of being super pro active in lining up all sorts of stuff for him and he was getting resentful and stressed out but doing it to please me. I ended up dropping everything completely and stepping back. He agreed that he needed to take responsibility for his own stuff and to beging managing on his own but has literally followed through with nothing since then. Ok, that's actually wrong - he did find a place to rent but only after a co-worker offered him a room after 4 months, he didn't look for a place and stayed at his sisters. He also hasn't set up his medical and is supposed to be paying me his portion of the fee on the 1st of every month until he sets up his own through his work. He forgets every month and I have to ask him for the $ - This has been going on for 9 months now. And it is a super fine line to cross because I think there really does need to be a certain degree of equality in a relationship - We are not already married, so we had not already established a solid foundation and commitment on an emotional level and bonding with each other and then bam an accident happened - I think that would be a little bit different of a scenario. But, possibly not still - I suppose I can't really say.

I think it's ok for partners to have different strengths and weaknesses and to balance each other out in the relationship but if one person feels as though they are too much carrying the weight than that creates an unhealthy balance and resentment. And yes, I can't feel like I have another child to care for in all of the adulting. The part that messes me up is that the intent is always so pure.

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purpleWest8143 OP April 6th, 2018

I think part of it comes down to what I need to be doing, whether its permanent or temporary, and what my true feelings are about doing those things? If I subconsciously resent doing them, then thats not healthy for the relationship.....because it will impact how I respond to him

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purpleWest8143 OP April 8th, 2018

No blanket fort to be had last night as didnt even get to dinner until 8 pm 😣 was a late night for us but finished with some self care painting nails and doing hair masks instead πŸ˜‰. Im noticing that I think part of what happens with me is I tend to get caught up in doing stuff and not paying attention to whats happening internally for me. I think that I do internalize a lot - end up internalizing a lot of external energy if that makes sense. But Im so caught up in just doing things, getting through my day and finishing tasks etc that Im not noticing whats going on at all. @wizeakre how you had asked if maybe I was taking on peoples emotions at work due to having an empathetic nature and I didnt think this was the case- I actually think maybe I do take on the energy if that makes sense. Internally. Like if theres an aggressive situation going on, no one else can see that its done anything to me but Ive absorbed some of that energy. Im not really sure how to go about getting some really good internal boundaries yet in these kinds of situations and I think this is going to be something to reflect a lot more on.

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purpleWest8143 OP April 8th, 2018

As for an update on things with SO, I think hes been in total emotional turmoil this week. He tends to react very quickly with big outward emotions and inward emotions to things ( these are never in mean ways such as namecalling or belittling etc.) more like panicking, automatically assuming the worst and fleeing. I tend to not be outwardly reactive. So when I brought up having concerns on my mind and things bothering me he jumped to the conclusion that things were over. When I was expressing I didnt know how at that moment we could get out of the stuck point we were in- he wanted to take off and started panicking and began saying things were over. This type of stuff feels really draining for me because it makes it hard for me to feel safe expressing my feelings so that we can talk, communicate and attempt any type of problem solving. I end up not chasing after him and just letting things sit as I have a hard time gathering my thoughts and thinking straight in light of big emotions around me .

I think?

As things sit now hes stating that hes come to the realization that there are a lot of things that he does actually need to be doing for his own well being. Hes been journaling and writing things down which helped him gain some clarity. He said he realized these things he had agreed to in the past to just please me but he now realizes that they have more to do with his needs than mine even though they also affect me in the end.

purpleWest8143 OP April 8th, 2018

We have spoken about all of this in the past, but the thing I know is that I cant tell someone this. They have to see, feel, or realize it for them self. This is where things with us get really complicated because it seems to me like Im always ahead of the game and I have to be ok with him being behind me on realizing things or seeing them in his own time. Like deep down ok, or it affects how I see him. There are so many factors that influence things with us too and I cant expect him to be at the same place as me , theres an 11 year age gap so that alone gives me a lot more life experience on top of the ACTUAL life Ive lived which I think prob doubles my life experience compared to some 🀣😣. I also feel like in a lot of ways its a detriment to our relationship me having the education I do, as I KNOW the things that Need to be done to move forward for him. So this aspect makes it hard fo me to sit back and hold space when hes struggling, its also affecting me and our home life and relationship and I can see solutions. I do feel hopeful though that he has brainstormed ideascompletely on his own this time and maybe because I backed down and had said I didnt know what to do this time. The thing that scares me moving forward though is that continued situations like this will make me check out emotionally if theres always a big drag between my asking and his realizing. We have plans to spend time together Monday now

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calmLake1999 April 9th, 2018

Hey west! Just thinking of you this afternoon and hoping your ok.. Haven't replied much because im unsure of myself but thinking of you and sending you lots of love and hugs.. πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

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purpleWest8143 OP April 9th, 2018

@calmLake1999 thank you Calm! Been thinking of you too ❀️ Im starting to realize how hard it is for me to get around in here everywhere I want to each day. Ive had a busy weekend and last minute had to take daughter #2 to ANOTHER dance performance yesterday afternoon as they were invited back to the competition final gala due to their high score on Sat morn. Ended up having to stay for hours.

Please know Im not avoiding you ❀️ Love you Calm.

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calmLake1999 April 10th, 2018

@purpleWest8143

I know you haven't been avoiding me west *big hugs* πŸ’œ

Wanted to offer my support as id only been really vocal in my diary of late... Love ya 2 πŸ’œ

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purpleWest8143 OP April 10th, 2018

Im in an ok headspace today I think. SO and I had time together yesterday and wow - so many changes. After talking I looked at him, my eyes filled up with tears and I felt so overwhelmed with appreciation and gratitude. All I could say was thank you and I f*#king love you through my tears. This man is so insanely committed to me and us. The thing is it was like a lightbulb had gone off for him and he fully realized for himself all of the things I have been mentioning and had a full plan of how he is going to start addressing things. He also realizes that we both feel loved and supported through different actions from the other and he brought this subject up- not me! This was an insane breakthrough for us and I am feeling so hopeful for our relationship.

On the rest of things, Im def feeling as though I didnt communicate for my needs and daughters very well during her psych assessment on Friday so I am going to write a letter for the Psychiatrist and spoke to the therapist working with us about doing this before any planning is firmed up.

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courteousNorth5140 April 12th, 2018

@purpleWest8143

Hey West 😊 I somehow lost track here, sorry for neglecting you πŸ˜• but I can't be happier right now reading you somehow solved your problems with your husband 😊 those are such great news and this teary eyed "I f** love you" made me tear up as well 😁 it just always makes me happy when a family family somehow realizes they are meant for each other and they somehow survive together, that's just the best feeling ever.... And you just deserve being loved and feeling this love πŸ’•

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purpleWest8143 OP April 12th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 thank you ! FYI just so you know though, we

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courteousNorth5140 April 12th, 2018

@purpleWest8143 oh sorry, then I probably got that wring, but honestly, there's no big difference between married or not 😊 I think you're still a family, even if you have to work on your relationship... Love, trust, respect, there you named it, the most important things in a relationship, and I just hope you'll be able to solve your problems 😊

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purpleWest8143 OP April 12th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 it didn't matter! just thought i'd let you know ; )

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courteousNorth5140 April 12th, 2018

@purpleWest8143 thank you for that 😊

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CaloenasNicobarica April 10th, 2018

@purpleWest8143

So glad for you and your SO, West! Hah, it felt like there were little hearts floating around you when I read this! heart

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purpleWest8143 OP April 11th, 2018

@CaloenasNicobarica there were lol

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purpleWest8143 OP April 11th, 2018

@wizeakre youll be tickled to know hes ALL over reading my complex trauma books - to better understand me as well as see if any speaks to him. His words.

singercrystalspirit April 11th, 2018

@purpleWest8143

Oh man wow this is so awesome!!!!! I am so happy for you that your SO is so insanely committed!!! That is a dream, that is wonderful and amazing and I am so happy for you for that heart

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purpleWest8143 OP April 11th, 2018

@singercrystalspirit thank you πŸ™ it has been a real struggle for us but this man is def committed to learning to work through things and the fact that he

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