Complex Trauma? ***trigger warnings***sexual and physical abuse

This is also the kind of stuff that I know I need to be able to just let become fly bys. To expect that it is going to happen fro my ex husband and to not let it effect me. I have tried varying my approach to him every possible way over the years and nothing works. I have tried being empathetic, acknowledging his feelings and frustration. I have tried praising his strengths and thanking him for the things he does do. Absolutely nothing works. He fights everything, hes combative and atacks me lashing out about everything like I am personally attacking him on every level. He is in absolute denial about everything going on with our daughter because he refuses to listen or hear anything I or her tell him about whats happening for her here. Shes only at his home once a month since he didnt return her from a weekend visit in 2014 and I had to get an emergency court order until we had a proper order in place, this was while he was dragging me through drawn out legal proceedings seemingly on purpose. Basically filing for things in court and then showing up without necessary paperwork so it just kept costing me money for my lawyer. He continually belittles me and is sarcastic to me in front of our daughter in subtle ways. I am at a total loss in dealing with this man. And I dont have the $ or energy to be going back to court. Im burnt out dealing with him.

I want to be able to be concentrating on what is going on in front of me - my daughter, my well being, figuring out this relationship stuff. I dont want to be angry and feeling like someone is doing something to me and Im not sure right now how to get out of that frame of mind as thats how I always end up feeling when dealing with him. Attacked. Abused. Blamed. Everythings my fault (according to him). I end up thinking I have to defend myself. I tense up and feel stressed out, waiting for a bomb to drop , worrying that hes going to drag me to court again. Try to file for custody again (which is absolutely absurd but no more than the first time he tried and his family has money). And he obviously is not learning anything because he keeps doing the same things and its been 9 years of dealing with him fighting me on ever single thing.

Feeling a little bit clearer on things after therapy today.

Psychologist feels Ive made a lot of growth since the fall and its natural to be questioning my needs in my relationship. Especially when theres so much trauma in my past which typically creates extra relationship struggles - as one grows stronger and gains more clarity their needs will change. This is something thats also been on my mind lately and being worried about hurting boyfriend in the process. I need the space to be doing my healing work and hes absolutely terrified about losing me but its a very real possibility. The thing is, the more he allows this fear to take him over and impact his day to day - the more it will actually push me away.

As for daughter # 2 and ex husband the discussion with Psych basically came down to finding ways for her to be asserting her needs to her dad. Ie. she could be the one to tell her dad about dance commitment on her scheduled visit weekend and propose an alternate plan to him. As me sheltering her from his ridiculousness isnt helping anyone yet, me telling her what hes doing would only make her think Im trying to make him look bad. The only thing that makes me nervous about this type of plan is not being privy to the conversation and his actual response to her.

I hope I did not upset you further, west. Maybe i poured out my cup a lil too fast. If you ever have any questions for me that may help you; please ask. I truely do not mind trying to help at all. In all honesty i do believe too many people settle just to fit in to the text book world. But maybe what you got is magical. If i sounded harsh or calling u out, so to say, i was not. I get what u feel totally. But i may get what he feels too. I have been biting my tongue for a couple days and thats no lie. I hate to see people hurt, when all they need maybe, is just a glimpse into the other side. To see the real value of it all. Perhaps I was too early jumping in here. But if I can help I will try. Why should people suffer if I can offer up a bit of help to maybe skew the views to maybe see what is really there off to the side. Its hard, I know. But the brightest things are often the hardest to get to. Some things truely are worth the effort. Its all up to you and what you value the most.

Storm's always good at bringing some fresh perspectives to things. <3

I'm gonna play the devil's advocate here and offer a different view. In my current relationship, I've had time to think about what I've truly wanted from other relationships that aren't being provided in this relationship. For one, this one is straight up abusive. I essentially came to the point where I realized this was over and it was dead but I'm still making my way out. Soon after, I started trying to find my own voice. What do -I- really want from a relationship? Honestly, I just jumped into this one because of a crisis. I had no one but him. So really taking the time to identify my wants and needs helped me solidify as a person. I then looked at what I had and realized there was much more I wanted than could be provided.

The kicker here...is I'm actually considered the position of the "sicker one". My agoraphobia/social anxiety/cptsd prevent me from doing a lot. I couldn't leave the house for ages so it was mostly him taking care of me. What I learned later on was I was being kept that way. But I had also ACCEPTED my role as the one being cared for. I've seen it a lot with codependent types. My best friend was that way, got with someone she just wanted to take care of so she would feel needed. It creates an unequal dynamic. While the whole "in sickness and health" thing is nice, how do we really feel without that noble foil? Can you live with things being unchanging the rest of your life? Eventually, I got the will to change despite him trying to keep me in that role. I decided I didn't want to burden others and I would do what I could to foster myself and not be a pain in the ass to others. Meanwhile, my SO stagnates and refuses to look at what harm he is causing.

The thing that's really important... If they are sick or have some horrible burden to deal with, are they willing to do what they can for themselves at least? Otherwise, you're pretty much raising another child. I made sure to do things while I was still really bad off like the around the house chores and stuff without going outside. And little by little I can now make my own appointments and am on my way back to driving and stepping out on my own. I don't know. Those roles can be very powerful things. Reminded of that experiment with the mock prison.

Anyway, whatever conclusion you come to... I think taking the time to listen to your own voice, to really hear what West has to say will be of great benefit to you. Sending you much love, West!

No blanket fort to be had last night as didnt even get to dinner until 8 pm 😣 was a late night for us but finished with some self care painting nails and doing hair masks instead 😉. Im noticing that I think part of what happens with me is I tend to get caught up in doing stuff and not paying attention to whats happening internally for me. I think that I do internalize a lot - end up internalizing a lot of external energy if that makes sense. But Im so caught up in just doing things, getting through my day and finishing tasks etc that Im not noticing whats going on at all. @wizeakre how you had asked if maybe I was taking on peoples emotions at work due to having an empathetic nature and I didnt think this was the case- I actually think maybe I do take on the energy if that makes sense. Internally. Like if theres an aggressive situation going on, no one else can see that its done anything to me but Ive absorbed some of that energy. Im not really sure how to go about getting some really good internal boundaries yet in these kinds of situations and I think this is going to be something to reflect a lot more on.

As for an update on things with SO, I think hes been in total emotional turmoil this week. He tends to react very quickly with big outward emotions and inward emotions to things ( these are never in mean ways such as namecalling or belittling etc.) more like panicking, automatically assuming the worst and fleeing. I tend to not be outwardly reactive. So when I brought up having concerns on my mind and things bothering me he jumped to the conclusion that things were over. When I was expressing I didnt know how at that moment we could get out of the stuck point we were in- he wanted to take off and started panicking and began saying things were over. This type of stuff feels really draining for me because it makes it hard for me to feel safe expressing my feelings so that we can talk, communicate and attempt any type of problem solving. I end up not chasing after him and just letting things sit as I have a hard time gathering my thoughts and thinking straight in light of big emotions around me .

I think?

As things sit now hes stating that hes come to the realization that there are a lot of things that he does actually need to be doing for his own well being. Hes been journaling and writing things down which helped him gain some clarity. He said he realized these things he had agreed to in the past to just please me but he now realizes that they have more to do with his needs than mine even though they also affect me in the end.

We have spoken about all of this in the past, but the thing I know is that I cant tell someone this. They have to see, feel, or realize it for them self. This is where things with us get really complicated because it seems to me like Im always ahead of the game and I have to be ok with him being behind me on realizing things or seeing them in his own time. Like deep down ok, or it affects how I see him. There are so many factors that influence things with us too and I cant expect him to be at the same place as me , theres an 11 year age gap so that alone gives me a lot more life experience on top of the ACTUAL life Ive lived which I think prob doubles my life experience compared to some 🤣😣. I also feel like in a lot of ways its a detriment to our relationship me having the education I do, as I KNOW the things that Need to be done to move forward for him. So this aspect makes it hard fo me to sit back and hold space when hes struggling, its also affecting me and our home life and relationship and I can see solutions. I do feel hopeful though that he has brainstormed ideascompletely on his own this time and maybe because I backed down and had said I didnt know what to do this time. The thing that scares me moving forward though is that continued situations like this will make me check out emotionally if theres always a big drag between my asking and his realizing. We have plans to spend time together Monday now

Hey west! Just thinking of you this afternoon and hoping your ok.. Haven't replied much because im unsure of myself but thinking of you and sending you lots of love and hugs.. 💜💜💜

Im in an ok headspace today I think. SO and I had time together yesterday and wow - so many changes. After talking I looked at him, my eyes filled up with tears and I felt so overwhelmed with appreciation and gratitude. All I could say was thank you and I f*#king love you through my tears. This man is so insanely committed to me and us. The thing is it was like a lightbulb had gone off for him and he fully realized for himself all of the things I have been mentioning and had a full plan of how he is going to start addressing things. He also realizes that we both feel loved and supported through different actions from the other and he brought this subject up- not me! This was an insane breakthrough for us and I am feeling so hopeful for our relationship.

On the rest of things, Im def feeling as though I didnt communicate for my needs and daughters very well during her psych assessment on Friday so I am going to write a letter for the Psychiatrist and spoke to the therapist working with us about doing this before any planning is firmed up.