Complex Trauma? ***trigger warnings***sexual and physical abuse
Today Ive decided to start my own journal in here rather than dumping in the daily check ins. I feel like there might actually be some benefits for me to get all of this crap out somewhere and it just feels too vulnerable to be putting it onto paper.
A year ago I finally received a formal diagnosis of primary PTSD with dissociative symptoms and secondary diagnosis of GAD. I have now also received another diagnosis query of ADD/ADHD - more on the ADD end.
I grew up in a super strict Baptist home with what everyone viewed as a loving stable home. I was bright, super inquisitive, outgoing and considered gifted. My parents saw me as argumentative and questioning them all the time. I questioned the world and everything around me- I wanted to understand things! They get this now.
At 14 I ran away. I felt like I was never listened to or heard. My feelings were continually invalidated. I wasnt encouraged or allowed to be me, or supported in this. I was forced to be and act a certain way. I was told I had to do it their way or I couldnt live there. So I left.
I wasnt getting what I needed from my parents- the unconditional love and support to grow into my true self. I am just connecting this now with the help of my Psychologist
this evening as Im lying in bed getting for sleep I again am thinking about the risks of supporting each other on this online community. How easily intentions and words can be misinterpreted. How we all have such complicated backgrounds and histories.
It reminded me of the four agreements by don Miguel Ruiz and how important theyve become to me in my life, so I thought I would share them:
1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Dont Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you wont be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Dont Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
I also had some thoughts in regards to house rules for my diary page: (this was a great idea @wizeakre )
1. No judgement
2. No other rules
3. To be amended any time I feel fit 🤣
I had a really long phone conversation with my youngest sister yesterday. She lives 3 hours away so I dont get to see her that often, and her children are quite young (4 and 1). Shes 6 years younger than me but her and I have always been super close. I have 2 sisters and we all struggled significantly in our teens. My youngest sister made 3 very serious suicide attempts in her mid teens and was hospitalized for a significant amount of time. I find it interesting that she internalized her pain, I externalized by leaving, and my middle sister acted out and was more aggressive I suppose.
Her feelings are that there was so much shame and guilt in our family attached to any attempt of self exploration that she just felt like she couldnt live with it. For her it was about how she made everyone else in the family feel. She watched my overly reactive mother struggle emotionally with the effects of my leaving them at 14, as well as my family suffer the shaming they were dealt from their church for the same. She said the guilt she felt for every little thing she would do that went against what my parents told her, was just too much to bear. That for her it was about the effects it had on everyone else.
@purpleWest8143
Hi west, love your house rules,, Wize has set a trend now i will come up with some i think soon,, though i am no good at boundaries I can try at least... 
Anywho just wanted to write and say it is quite interesting to read of the dynamics between siblings, how every sibling reacts differently in different environments etc.. I relate in a way to your younger sister as I internalised everything (but also maybe due to being unable to express emotions, being taught emotions were bad),, sorry rambling.. Also interesting as my younger sisters always reacted in different ways to my mum, I always believed they were stronger than I due to their ability to fight back or flee... Rambling too much here..
Wanted to say I think you are such a strong person, I admire you so so much and I just think you are great... words fail to express what i want to say >.<
Enjoy your weekend away West, you deserve an amazing time and I hope you are able to be free and have a blast,, much love and big hugs
@calmLake1999 funny because there were 3 girls in our house. I was the oldest and I took the brunt of the punishments - and was always blamed for everything and basically told that I was responsible for my younger siblings and what they did. When they would do things- I would get punished whether I actually was directly responsible for them or not. I was older by 2 years and 6 years. We also were not allowed to express our feelings / emotions. We were not allowed to question anything - we were expected to just do as told. I ended up leaving my family at 14. The middle sister lashed out, was aggressive, would wreck things, kick holes in walls etc.and our youngest sister , as I mentioned, internalized everything and became extremely depressed and suicidal. She was so much younger though and I remember when I was still at home she was such a dainty, softspoken kid who would often have upset stomachs etc. Our middle sister was a fire cracker - she was a total tomboy- constantly hurting herself ( frequent stitches and major injuries). I know that my parents operated out of fear and tried to shelter us from the world rather than giving us tools to critically think. They also must have felt an intense pressure from their church to fit in and avoid shaming.
I think there are benefits to having a faith in a higher power or god as in a belief that provides a grounding force to your life. But growing up in an authoritative household surrounded by staunch baptist religion and the hypocrisy and judgement attached from my family and others in the church just isnt what I think a belief in god is supposed to be about. I believe it should be about love and acceptance but most of what I saw was judgement and shame. One of my close girlfriends has turned back to a belief in god and the way I see her practise her faith is what I think it should be about. I think its just important to have something.... anything that grounds you.
@calmLake1999 I dont think your siblings were stronger.... youre an amazingly strong person! Look at everything youve survived! They were just different... different personalities and makeups, the same as my sisters and me. As well, we all grew up in the same homes but our parents responses to each of us would have also been slightly different depending on all sorts of things- our birth order, what was happening for them in the present, our responses to them etc.
Thank you for the well wishes! I had such a lovely weekend ❤️
The thing though is, that it really came down to having the similar theme as my struggle with my parents - this Boxing in feeling. Like they were so desperately trying to force us to be a certain way. I know that it was fear based, as well as out of love and by wanting good things for us. My youngest sister was never subjected to the punishments I was. She was never spanked. I dont even know if you could call what I received spankings as the times I remember were actually horrendous. The time that I was 3 and received a bare bottom spanking and (all I recall is scrambling like an animal trying to get away for its life) screaming murder and absolute terror. Being picked up by my neck and carried down the stairs like that to get a spanking another time (no idea how old), or at 14 having my mom / dad pin me down while my other parent TRIED to spank me as well as cast demons out as theyd caught me out with friends who were smoking marijuana ( most people smoked it where we lived. The worlds top marijuana was grown there). I dont know, this stuff seems sort of silly and minor but it sure didnt create a sense of safety and really, who spanks a 14 year old?! Or casts demons out of them?!
I think really the bigger problem in our home was the authoritarian rule. You dont do A BECAUSE. Period. And you dont question the reasons. There was no talking about or reasoning, no teaching to think.
I think thats what I see as being a bigger problem. I try really hard to explain reasons for things to daughter #2. We talk very openly about drugs for example. The impacts they have, the risks associated with them and I dont mean scare tactics, I mean valid real info. And reasons why people actually want to try these things. I want her to have real info for when shes actually faced with the decision of whether or not to try something. I want her to be able to make a well informed decision for herself.
Another problem for us growing up was the dismissal of our feelings. This was huge in our family and I see my dad do it to my kids as well as overdo live with the consequence of their choice. Like hes so adamant about this to the point of making someone suffer to prove a point. Because they made a mistake they HAVE to live with the consequence - this has resulted in some messed up thought processes in my head regarding some of my traumas Im sure. Like I believed that I made choices that got me there, so they were my fault and I didnt deserve support or help - I had to live with the pain ( consequence). Messed up
I'm so sorry for all you went through.so glad you are surviving. My heartfelt wish is for you to have every resource and support you need. For you to be and become and continue shining as your wholest most complete joyous and actualized self.
I am so grateful for this time away and chance to connect with my oldest dearest friend. Last night was the big 40th bday celebration and we spent the night with some of her other friends from here and another from out of town as well. I have never felt so comfortable before with a group of people Ive just met. All of these woman were so kind, non judgemental in the way they spoke of others and man, one of the woman was f$&;in hilarious and had us howling all night!
Today I saw the biggest , clearest, brightest rainbow I have EVER SEEN, reaching up out of the ground over the ocean. So amazing!!!! And 5 of us walked down to the beach and sat on the driftwood for a long time, soaking up the warm spring sun and talking about all sorts of stuff. I wish I knew women like this back in the city, where I live. My poor boyfriend was so outnumbered but much appreciated with all of his kind caretaking gestures and cooking a big breakfast for everyone this morning.
I had the chance to hunker down and get tons of reading dont today as well as everyone was pretty tired and napped from a late night. I have found that with my new ADHD med, I am able to read much easier again- I dont feel like Im jumping all around and forgetting a paragraph right after Ive read it. Im currently reading The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van Der Kolk. I highly recommend this book! Im sure Ive mentioned it before as Ive been reading it for a while, but I think I probably
@purpleWest8143 .I love that book too.🙄 It has helped me greatly and I recommend it wherever I go (well if it's germane). He has some great video clips out there too. Some are avail through www.nicabm.com. espec if you sign up to receive their notices. (You maybe already knew that. 😉). They are:: The National Institute for the Clinical
Application of Behavioral Medicine
http://www.nicabm.com. incl Ruth Buczinski, Peter Levine, Bessel van der Kolk amd others. ☺
@SpruceRaven Ive taken professional training with them 😉 sooo many wise specialists collaborating there and doing lots of important research and advocacy around trauma therapy and support ❤️❤️❤️ Even if people sign up for their NICABMs free emails etc. Its a great place to get clues for reading materials 😉😉
@purpleWest8143 I agree re NICABM. I've done a few of therr course too! And even the little tidbits thry attach to the newsletters are great. 😁💓🙄
@purpleWest8143 I was alresdy a big fan of Bessel van derKolk and Petrr Levine so it was really lovely to fimd thrm therr whem I learned of Nicabm.😃💕
@SpruceRaven any recommendations on what my next book should be? Ill prob finish this one off in the next day or 2 and will be looking to start something new pretty quick.
@purpleWest8143 Not sure what you've already read?
I recently read:
"Treat Concussion, TBI & PTSD with Vitamins and Antioxidamtd by Kedar N.Prasad , Phd
"Survivors: Pwraonal Stories of Healimf fr. PTSD & Traimatic Events vy Tracy Strcker Phd
"Upside: the New Sciemce of Post-Traumatic Growth" by Jim Rendon
I like the book "Mindsight" (?AUTHOR)
Have you read "Gaslighting" vy Stephanie Moulton Sarkis
"Too Loud Too Fast Too Bright" (?AUTHOR)
I could prob come up with others...again I imagine you may have read many of them. (At one point they were buildimg a resourxes page in the 35+ forum. I started to share a few things there. Meant to go back and share more but never got around to it. You've prob read e.thing on Adult ADHD?
@purpleWest8143 re: Childhood attachment...I think there's alot there thst's right on re how it affects everythimg afterwards. I think that may have been a fsctor in why my parents couldn't/wouldn't protect me.
Though thry also both prob had some childhood trauma themselves so when I was going to my Mom for help on this stuff it prob triggered her right back to age 4. I would often have to stop whatever I ws feelng or asking for (stuff it l away) to help keep her from checking out. There were alot of times she was right there when stuff was happening and would dissociate...complete leave, and argue later that there's no way she wouldhave let it happen so of COURSE she hadnt been in the room. Kind of tough: Two 4 or 5 year olds trying to raise each other.😒😯💔
@SpruceRaven
Related to the above entry:
I probably shouldn't have posted that here. This is your space. My bad. Sorry.
@SpruceRaven no! totally good here! Im super keen on exploring stuff thats related to what Im talking about 😉 its how my brain works. Thanks for posting the books. Ill peruse some of them online and see what I can find out that looks interesting for a possible next read. I have read a bunch of books on adult ADHD which is actually what prompted me getting assessed for it - I have thought that daughter #1 has it for a very long time but didnt study it very thoroughly in school since Ive worked mostly in severe / acute mental health. I began really studying it when my boyfriend was diagnosed and thats when I started realizing that I had most of the symptoms as well but to a much lesser degree. Also not sure how much of it could be due to trauma stuff but my meds have produced a huge improvement which was the test basically (theres actually lot of educated trial and error made with Psych meds). I seem to be more on the end of ADD but do have more of an internal restlessness. Im going to need to go back to your post about your family now and reread so that I can respond. 😑
@purpleWest8143 i'm not sure that i've.spoken of msny od the detsils re my fsmily or my brother much. Have tslked about trsums etc. But maybe not specifics. There might be stuff out here but tbh I'm not sure. Maybe a long time ago (the anxient world of Januar 18th lol) when I first joined I may have written alot about gaslighting snd narcissim and vilence. But i tho l it was mostly i so.eone else's diary and that may not exist now. Sorrty. I thing ai was still being pretty guarded and vague thrn. Prob more about the vro thsn thr parents. Ask if you want to know. Thwnks for veing interested in talking svout it.
Re vooks ...you're welxome. Given something you wrote about your S.O. having TBI ... maybe that supplements book could help......it is writtrn in terms of using them as adjuncts not substitutions. Anyway! Look forward to hearing from tou. And do let mr know re the topics ypu are most pursuing snd I could see if I have recommendations. I'm an avid reader ...and always on the look out for New info and resources. Sounds like you are too.😁 The trick may be finding something you HAVEN'T read. 😉
@purpleWest8143
Hey lots of gibberish there. I'll give a translation key later
@SpruceRaven Im finding it really fascinating learning about all of this stuff and I can totally see how if your mom was triggered and would check out, that she wouldnt be able to support you in the way you needed. Im sorry that she wasnt there for you ❤️ Do you feel like having this knowledge now has enabled you to forgive your mom in not providing you with what you needed? I sort of feel like for me, the more I learn, the more compassionate and forgiving Im able to be towards myself and my parents. I think the part that I find the hardest though is setting boundaries and recognizing what my needs are. I think the more I understand that my family couldnt give me what I needed because they lacked the tools, will also allow me to be compassionate towards myself where I have not given my children what they deserved or needed because I also didnt have the tools at the time. But I damn well better make sure that I do my best to gain those tools now.
@purpleWest8143 re xompassion for Mpm... in alot of ways ues. Tjere were alot of ways she was an awwsome Mom and we were really gpod friends. Vut it was like a dpuvle life tje Kpdak Moment story Jappy Damilt...whixj inalot of ways want UNTRUE...and then the horror of ciolrnce and psyxhological and mdntsl avuse fr mu vrotjer
And no one anywhere to believe or see or help. (Whixh remains true to this day. Any attempt to get xlosure or outside eyes to know that BOTH things were true only got me further harm. So I learned not to talk to or rely on anyone dor anything exept every day things like food Actu thr physical stuff didnt affect me too much. Being told things didnt happen , and that i wasnt feeling what i was feeling and that it was my fault... having my bro ve capable of true love and respect and consistent consideration with others and then just ...explode....espec when asked dor anything positive...the Jekyll and Hyde stuff fr him and the cone of silence stuff. That was really twilight zone.
Re Mom...again ...in a different way... really amzing successful a great mediator kind affectionate strong etc. And she would asl me for emotional advixe on jow to deal with her xoworkers ehen they went into a rage (i mean when I was 7 she would come home from work and say "SP how do I handle this? " And I'd give her a game plan and she's go to work and plug it in. She'd come home and say " that was amazing! It worked!" I never thought it was odd at the time. In some ways we more like frienda or aiatera...and we each had our forté. So I was the keeper of keys in terms of emotions for my family -- help them interface or do it for them and also tje Scapegoat ehen things got acaru. I was a really awlf relia t kid and super independent.
Ao did I forgive Mom yeah. Acruallt reallt early on...like 6 or 7. I just alao lnew she xouldnt help me and that no one was willing to see it or deal with it ...so I stopped talking about it. Around age 6 or 7. Never occurred to me to ask the outer world and they never wouldve seen it anyway. I moved awau for alpng time and when as an adult I tried working on it and telling others in the community the backlash was severe. And the rest of the scenario was the same.. I wasnt angry with my Mom until I waa an adult and then i let it go again. Ao I could see how she got to where she waa, and know wjat she waant up for and I always loved her. ...Inalot of waya thougjt that avilitu to see veneatj to hpw they were each acared or wounded in their own ways
..is how I (emphasis) joined in keeping myself shacked in to all of it. It was quite the gordion knot. And ai knew they were scared and I waa strong and I thought someday the love would be enough . Amd it wasnt.
Sorry...that juat all ca.e out.
Yeah it's interesting ro do the rapid study pn adultting and parenting..... It sounda to me like you are doing an amazing job...for ALL of you!😀💓👊🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇
@purpleWest8143 Yeah....BOUNDARIES. .I hear you.
And now I'm back from wherever I went with all that😄🙃 to say...yes, more compassion for them and it was what it was. And compassion for me and for others. We all have some area where we just need to be given some grace when we don't hit the mark. 💞
@purpleWest8143 Yikes typos! Aka Fat Thumb Syndeome
Happy Family
Kodak Moment
Violence .
@purpleWest8143
That auth was Tracy Stecker (sic)
Read at least 100 pages alone today. The way he describes what he calls developmental trauma disorder, really sounds like what Im seeing evidence of with daughter #2. A pervasive pattern of dysregulation, problems with attention
and concentration, difficulty getting along
with self or others. He describes frequent mood swings or temper tantrums where the kids arent able to self soothe and are unable to describe or name what it is that theyre feeling, along with shifting to the other end of extremes with flat affect or dissociation. This is definitely along the lines of what she struggles with although not severe but Id say its prob moderate and shes self reporting problems with attention and concentration at school which shes already found ways to address.
He also speaks about attachment in infancy and I found this part amazing too. Well, I just find the whole book amazing tbh. It mentions how if a primary caregiver cannot read signals from a baby properly, and is not responding correctly, that this can create problems in their attachment. Ie. a mother trying to engage in play when a baby doesnt want it and is attempting to reject her.
Im officially halfway through the book now. And I think Im going to attempt another chapter before bed......
Was also just remembering how I was always trying to run away from my parents when I was little. I mean really little. I wonder if this has any significance? I
Ive arrived back home to an empty house. Daughter #2 doesnt get home until Saturday and Im not feeling too motivated this evening. The last few days were really so wonderful and all weekend I just felt completely full of gratitude. To be honest I have a lot of surface friends I suppose - Ive met quite a few woman through work here in the city the last 5 years, that are super solid, but I think that I just havent really known how to connect with them on a really deep level. So while I really respect them, I still feel like they dont truly know me. I also think I feel like Ive had many big overwhelming things going on in my life and that this is too much for other people. I often feel like I need to hide / not talk about whats happening for me / my family because it will be too dramatic but then this leaves me feeling inauthentic. If I do mention whats going on, I feel like a drama case. When I do end up talking about whats happening Ive noticed that I state factual stuff and dont talk about the emotions / feelings attached - I am getting better at this though. I know that part of this is because I learned to numb out my emotions due to being overaroused from so much high stress and traumatic situations going on continually in my life.
@purpleWest8143 I felt like this was something I would write. I totally understand your perspective 😩 ahh its so frustrating feeling like you
@Myusername2011 and maybe possibly feeling like others won
@purpleWest8143 omg yes! It
@Myusername2011 yes definitely tiring. There was a quote posted in one of the trauma check ins just a couple of days ago that I really related to that was along this line sort of. It said something about being fearful of healing, due to not knowing oneself, when your self is so intertwined with trauma. I found it relatable In the sense that I feel like Ive been so consumed by trauma related events that there wasnt much time to develop a self so Ive often felt like I didnt have much else to contribute, nothing else to talk about etc. Nothing else happening in my life. Does this make sense to you too?
@purpleWest8143. Totally makes sense! Ive been trying to move on with my life and develop and the traumas hinder all of it. Everyday Im still stuck there, & Im trying to go to college and I have a relationship and everything I do is about 50% focused because the other 50% is spent trying to push away memories
@Myusername2011 I agree!
@purpleWest8143 I agree!
What really stood out to me this weekend is how much this girlfriend of mine has been an anchor for me. She has been the ONLY solid support Ive had since I was 14. We had one falling out for maybe about 6 months at about the age of 18/19 and it was due to daughter #1s dad D, manipulating her, and me getting angry at her. As well as an argument about another guy. This ended up strengthening our friendship and teaching both of us a lot about communication and relationships with other people as well as how much we meant to each other. For me, it also taught me some things about boundaries and how manipulative my ex was and that I was responsible for allowing this person in my life as it affected the people around me as well.
This friend has truly been by my side through everything and has shown me more than my parents what love and support is. I continually attempt to reach out to my parents for support wanting them to give it to me - sometimes they do and sometimes they dont. She has always supported and been there for me and she is my true family.
I have also been questioning my romantic relationship a lot as of late and attempting to figure out what its purpose is.