Complex Trauma? ***trigger warnings***sexual and physical abuse

Confusing things such as personality disorders and schizophrenia as being the same thing and they wont take my word on things when I try to explain to them. They say they will only go on what the medical professionals say but misinterpret things, and wont listen to me! They also wont listen to me saying what I need for my progress even though I have a pretty concrete idea as this is actually what I did for work .... I managed for other people their care. People struggling with a particular type of illness and would line up all the pieces together. These people Im dealing with as far as insurance and disability have no knowledge about this aspect of stuff, theyre used to dealing with medical stuff and paper. This is another super ironic part of this whole situation that my Psychiatrist and I have spoken about. Along with the lack of the system to acknowledge how exposure to violence in the workplace can traumatize / retraumatize individuals and the lack of support for this.

Ive been thinking a bit more about what the possibility of not being able to work as a Psych Nurse would actually mean to me aside from all of the financial implications. Im not sure if this is the right conclusion but its def part of it. My parents and other people always told me while growing up that I was smart, I got straight As , was reading before school and was put in a seperate gifted program in elementary school. I was told I would do big things with myself - I always thought I would become a lawyer. As a kid, I associated this with being smart, working hard, being able to reason well and being treated respectfully.

Somewhere along the way, I lost my confidence and the people around me started treated me like I was worthless. Like I didnt deserve respect. I started to believe all of this too deep down to a certain degree I suppose. I think somehow maybe I might have placed some measure of my worth on my accomplishments. Probably partly from the things Id been told and by being treated with so much judgement, maybe deep down I felt like Id earn respect with a profession. Once I achieved this milestone Id be worthy. Once I accomplished something. The funny thing is, I do experience this. I am treated respectfully at work for example by drs. But when Im a consumer / patient I feel like Im then treated again with judgement.

And I need to figure out how much of this Im bringing on myself vs how much is actually happening to me. Ie. if my dr speaks to me in a condescending way because he has a bias that I dont know what Im talking about (even though I do), if I shut down, freeze up, stumble over my words and cant communicate something clearly- then I am reinforcing exactly what he thought to begin with. BUT, if I feel confident and just let his condescending comments fly by me, maintain assertiveness , hold my ground and communicate effectively - then hopefully I will show him otherwise. And that treatment will not continue.

As for my feelings about my work, Im wondering if Ive been unconsciously defining my worth by what I do professionally as in Im a PSYCH NURSE. Like this is the only way people will treat me with respect and value. What am I without this? I think THATS the issue I need to work on and it does go in line with my Psychologist and I have been bringing up together in therapy - these deep rooted feelings of shame and guilt and how all of my trauma experiences have resulted in so many feelings of judgement instead of me actually being able to receive help that I needed for myself or my children. Its only been in the last couple of years that Ive actually started receiving significant help even though I had tried for a very long time in various ways.

My forgiveness letter to myself:

To my 14 year old self,

You are deserving of unconditional love and support. You were born into this world with the right to be guided and supported in a way to blossom into the beautiful being that already existed within you, not to be made into what others wanted you to be or what they thought you should be. You are full of strength, wisdom and your intuition is telling you what is right. You are not going to comprehend this at this moment. I am so sorry that you werent shown what true love and support look like. I am incredibly proud of you for showing the strength and courage that you did and leaving an unhealthy situation even when others didnt understand. You did listen to that intuition. I forgive you for any feelings of shame that you have carried because of this choice. What you did was the brave, courageous, right and only way to preserve your sense of self. You are now finding the support to make sense of all of this and find your bearings. If you had not left, it may have NEVER been possible to find YOU. A child does not deserve physical abuse, emotional neglect and manipulation. There is zero shame in leaving this. Any traumas that followed because of your decision to leave are not your fault. You were a child navigating in an adult world, the best you could. That responsibility lies with your parents for not providing you with the love and support you needed ❤️❤️Love from me

My emotional needs:

to feel loved, respected, supported, valued, heard, listened to, worthy, secure, safe, confident.

Im recognizing that I have an aversion to any kind of physical affection if Im not feeling fulfilled with the above. Im not sure what this means exactly and prob need to explore that more also. I think as people we actually need physical touch but for some reason I feel like I dont. Im sure this is a sign of something to explore more......

Wanted to share my final reading of the night before I hit my pillow as it was definitely a gooder. Hope you guys like it too ❤️ Im definitely not there yet but Im working on it slowly but surely.....

http://awarenessact.com/25-things-people-do-not-realize-you-are-doing-because-you-actually-have-self-respect/?=wuw

Had a fairly good sleep last night but woke at 4 am from a bad dream which was super weird. My dad was in my dream except he was actually my ex husband - driving like a jack a$$ doing donuts in the snow around a bunch of people. After this we were all of a sudden camping in someones yard, and there were a bunch of other tents also. But it was like we were not actually supposed to be in this yard, like didnt have the home owners permission, or were right on the edge of their property. My husband was cranking up music and I was stressed out about it being disrespectful and he refused to turn it down. The whole thing was super bizarre. I was able to go back to sleep though which was good and I have no idea what this dream meant.

My day yesterday ended on a bit of a bad note, daughter #2 had an accident in gym class and injured her foot. A visit to the dr last night resulted in being told she may have a fracture. Today shes home from the schools ski/ snowboarding trip. Shes feeling really devastated and hopeless at the moment. She missed 5 out of 9 months of dance last year due to 2 different injuries to her ankles. Shes already had a super rough couple of weeks and now this. Were just starting her dance competition season and now this. Spring break starts tomorrow and theres no competitions for 3 weeks so my fingers are crossed that its not a fracture and just a sprain or bad bruising as its on the side of her foot and should heal quickly if thats the case. Fu

Funny thing is, she always gets injured in gym class and never at dance. Man, I feel like this kid cant get a break!

Funny story...... this morning I woke up with a big blob of dark khaki green and gold glitter goo, mushed into my expensive, WHITE, french linen pillow case. The only place I can imagine it possibly came from would be daughter # 2 as she was sitting in my bed with her arsenal of slimes yesterday, as she watched "Zumbo's Just Desserts" and iced her foot. But of course she had NO idea where this came from as well as none of her slime looks like this! HAHAH Daughter # 2 is also quite the little entrepreneur. She has a slime instagram account and has been making a killing selling the stuff to kids at school and in her dads city as well as at her dance school. It's CRAZY!

THIS is my house to a T! https://ca.video.search.yahoo.com/search/video?fr=mcafee&p=holderness+family+slime+video#id=1&vid=dfdc53b0d25a2ba9d74b9dfb5154caf2&action=click

Here's the funny part... I have very long and wavy hair. Like, long and wavy enough that it's actually a chore to brush my hair most of the time. So this morning our game plan was to get up and go to our local walk in / urgent care clinic first thing to get the results from daughter #2's x-ray to find out if she actually has a fracture or not and whether she can be weight bearing on that foot before sending her to school. Well, as I ran my hands through my hair, I discovered that the majority of this goo was actually in my HAIR! OMG screw it LOL I just threw that baby up in a messy bun and rocked that slime to the Dr office. Good news, no fracture! (Thank god) and after a 1/2 hour shower and a 1/2 bottle of conditioner all of that goo successfully came out of my hair. No more slime allowed on my bed and expensive french linen - hopefully it will come out and not stain there either ; )

Today we're getting ready for daughter #2 to head off to her dad's for 1 week for the first half of Spring break tomorrow. I always feel a bit anxious about this. She's looking forward to it though and misses him and her dog. The thing I do feel good about though is that I've seen a lot of changes in her the last couple of months and see her getting better at asserting herself and hope that this will roll over into her being able to better do this with her dad as well. I assume that he guilt trips her often as I have seen it happen sometimes. I have also seen her step mom manipulate her emotionally also and am privy to things they lie to her about. She has asked to go their home more often and stated that her dad "is not involved in her life enough". I feel like this statement is really the key though and shows what the actual problem is as he makes no effort to be part of HER life. He will travel for his step sons moto cross races frequently, but has only come to 2 dance performances in 5 years out of over 15. She has also stated that he doesn't believe she struggles with her mental health or that she has anxiety. She is scheduled for an assessment with a child and youth Psychiatrist soon (I'm very thankful this is happening and have been advocating for this for the last while). She herself called her dad last year after I took her in to the hospital for an assessment finally following an acute episode (after many episodes of statements of suicidal ideation and minor self harming behaviors). She told him exactly what had happened that day for her and how she was feeling. His response to this was, when she next when to visit him, he told her I should not have taken her to the hospital. She was 11 years old at the time. He has told me that he is not in agreement with her seeing therapists and Psych dr's and specialists. She has also told me that her dad has anger problems - when I asked her what has made her feel this way she responded, that I should know as I was married to him. I left him 9 years ago.

I am travelling to my closest friends home tomorrow after I drop my daughter off. My boyfriend and I are both going until Tuesday for her 40th bday celebration. She is my closest friend in the world and I have known her since we were 14. When I moved out of the province at 16 with my daughter #1's dad, she moved to the same city too as her dad lived there. When this boyfriend D was in jail, and I was living all alone in a strange big city at 16, she would come over with bags of groceries and cook me dinner. I had a job and was going to highschool at the time and living in a house all by myself that D's grandparents owned. I got pregnant the day D got home from jail - a month after my 17th bday. This gf has been by my side through absolutely everything. I really don't know what I would do without her. I regret to say that the one time I had the chance to really step up and be there for her I dropped the ball. Her father passed away while I was doing my nursing school and in the middle of writing term papers. It was horrible. She came to my home and stayed with me and we cried together for some time but then I had to get back to my papers - I still to this day feel awful and like I should have just dropped everything.... I actually brought this up last time she was here visiting at Christmas and had a bit of a cry over it.... yes, we cry every time we see each other. sometimes over good stuff and sometimes over sad. We were supposed to go on a trip together last year to celebrate our 25th friendship anniversary but neither were able to afford it so I think we've decided to plan a BIG trip for our 40 year friendship anniversary. I'm a bit sad that we don't live close to each other any more but on the other hand I also think there are some benefits also as it means that when I do go to see her I spend more time with her. When I travel to her home, I am able to be a lot more present without the daily distractions of home life also. Plus it's a mini vacation and I get to take a float plane and see some beautiful scenery!

Thank you for all your kindness, warmth and wisdom West.