Complex Trauma? ***trigger warnings***sexual and physical abuse

Today was a mixed up day for me. I thought it would be a bit of relaxation and housecleaning after the crazy ups and downs that the last 3 days brought us. This weekend was my turn for cleaning house (I lease a large house and rent out 2 rooms) as we all take turns cleaning the shared areas, but since we were gone I was doing it today. I like the house to be CLEAN all the time - it helps me to feel more relaxed, as well with sharing a home I kind of feel like its even more important out of respect to each person.

Mondays are also the day my boyfriend and I spend together as hes a bartender and has weeknights off (but Im busy with daughter #2s dance schedule) and he works late on weekends and then ends up sleeping in late. Im used to getting up at 6:30 am due to school schedule for daughter so our schedules dont work very well. He also has a mild traumatic brain injury and one of the ways it has affected him is his body requires a LOT of sleep- like he could sleep prob 13/14 hours per day. I think its because his brain needs more rest to recoup. He has a left frontal lobe injury from an assault when he was 21- we just had this confirmed about a year ago as I encouraged him to get extensive neuropsychological as well as neuropsychiatric testing completed as I recognized something was amiss and knew about the assault which had been 6 years prior at that time.

I kind of got of track here finning I

A few months, I may be out of disability funding and without work at all. I was told theyve never seen this happen before, where someone couldnt work in their profession. I was also told there was no access or option to any funding for retraining.

Im feeling really scared. Theres a couple different issues and worries going on for me. One immediate one is finances. This one is complicated- school cost me about $90,000 and I still owe about $50,000 of that. To have to leave my profession at this point would be financially devastating. I WOULD have to claim bankruptcy. I have never even been late on a credit payment in the 21 years since I first got any credit and I have been dirt poor. I made sure I did whatever I had to to maintain and build good credit.

My bf jumped in with saying dont worry, Ill help you- I love you, you carried me when I was laid off. I had to tell him that I knew he MEANT this but that I knew I cant actually depend on him. That I CANt put any dependence on him due to his lack of responsibility. This felt horrible. We had spoken about this a few weeks ago on our date night about my need for him to be taking steps to get help in learning to manage regular life tasks better. He fulfills most of my emotional needs in our relationship but his brain injury impacts his daily living functioning and he is very opposed to accepting or identifying with this. He doesnt see it and that can be an actual symptom of the brain injury in itself.

He has said if he needs to come home every single day and hand over every cent hes made for me to manage the money hed be fine with that except Im not. That feels wrong to me.

I also love my job - well mostly I love being able to do something that felt like it was making a significant difference in peoples lives. Ive mostly worked with people with Scizophrenia or Psychosis for the last 5-6 years. But its been in various roles and positions. I really enjoyed this!

Im also really frustrated as I feel like my exposure to violence in my workplace is what set me over my tipping point but since I didnt suffer an extreme assault no one is considering my work as an aspect of my PTSD. Well not the insurance company anyways. Every time we were charged at/ threatened/ containing residents / clients are documented but not necessarily as a direct threat to myself due to inadequate time. Hell we dont even have time to do necessary documentation.

What if I cant go back to work?! Yesterday I was worried about figuring out childcare and now Im worried about my profession period.

Hi West! I FOUND you!

Hi again West. I am only just now reading your entries. I hope you will feel this as the supportive, nonjudgemental listening of a friend.

Am so glad you survived and are still going forward. Hugs and power and healung are streaming their way to you.

You are amazing!

Its very early and the second Ive woken up I still have this on my mind. Attempting to grasp the concept of possibly not being able to go back to work. I think Im also angry as I feel like if I had more time to work on trauma processing with the right therapist ( the one Im working with now) Id be able to reduce my triggers significantly , hence being able to reduce the restrictions I currently need for the workplace. I dont believe these are things that I need permanently. The significant ones at the moment are:

1.not being the primary person responsible for safety assessments as a last contact ( due to the anxiety level I suffer following, this is a result of my low self esteem around this from feeling responsible for daughter #1 dads suicide)

2. Not working in a place with frequent aggression/ violence

3. Not providing care / being responsible for clients with primary axis 2 diagnosis (this is due to the complicated nature of my abuse history and needing to understand and overcome these triggers)

on one hand I feel like maybe I shouldnt be worrying about this at all yet, but on the other hand I also tend to think Im a bit of a realist and think I need to prepare for the worst. I have a Psychiatrist appt today and will bring this all up with her. I had been feeling like my Psychologist and I had all of a sudden made some giant gains in therapy and THIS now feels so daunting

My Psychiatrist appt today was supposed to be to touch base on the new stimulant medication I was started on for the queried ADD/ADHD treatment. I also wonder if this has anything to do with the changes I

Ugh woke at 4 am this morning with no idea what I had been dreaming about but was stuck with an unsettled feeling for a while. Tried searching on google for how to support someone when theyre stuck on the feeling of failure but nothing seemed to fit the situation. And Im too scared of saying the wrong thing. I do want to say f&@k all the people whove told us things that have led to us feeling worthless! To the parents that didnt provide us with the loving caring supportive homes we needed to flourish and grow up believing we were deserving of everything the world had to offer!!!!

my day ended up going better yesterday. Group went well even though I felt pretty overwhelmed when I first went in. I connected with one of the woman there over a discussion about our common interest in Bikram Yoga during break. This def lightened things for me immediately after as it took me a couple weeks to feel relaxed the last time I attended a group there.

My Psychiatrist appointment went well also and I disclosed to her how Id connected how vulnerable I feel when I attend meetings with her and that I think this is due to my first Psych assessment being done with a Psych. Who didnt feel trauma informed and had jumped to conclusions, and made incorrect judgements and took things out of context. I also stated that this had really effected me and had caused me to feel that others would judge me and that I wouldnt get the help I needed based on this. Also, that th

This Reinforced previous experiences of seeking help and being treated with (What I felt was incorrect) judgement and bias and not getting needed help. She appeared to understand this.

She questioned what she might have done to make me feel like this as well as what she could do to prevent me from feeling like this. I told her it was just the context of me being there, needing her help now and the fact that shes the providing a diagnosis etc. I also told her that I do trust her and that now Im aware that I was feeling this way a bit, that I believe I can address it , especially now that wed spoken about it.

She explained to me why she disagreed with the comments / views of the previous Psychiatrist who I had seen for an assessment which I really appreciated.

I am super thankful to be working with this Psychiatrist and definitely feel like she is working collaboratively with me. She hears me and does not jump to conclusions and does give me a chance to explain myself. I believe that when she has/ does make a diagnosis it will be a well informed one.

She also provided me with a copy of her letter to my insurance company which had outlined what she felt the accommodations they needed to make for me returning to work were. This is where it gets frustrating as my insurance company and work disability rep dont have mental health/ profession knowledge but they are the ones trying to understand the language and the job descriptions. They are confu