Complex Trauma? ***trigger warnings***sexual and physical abuse
Today Ive decided to start my own journal in here rather than dumping in the daily check ins. I feel like there might actually be some benefits for me to get all of this crap out somewhere and it just feels too vulnerable to be putting it onto paper.
A year ago I finally received a formal diagnosis of primary PTSD with dissociative symptoms and secondary diagnosis of GAD. I have now also received another diagnosis query of ADD/ADHD - more on the ADD end.
I grew up in a super strict Baptist home with what everyone viewed as a loving stable home. I was bright, super inquisitive, outgoing and considered gifted. My parents saw me as argumentative and questioning them all the time. I questioned the world and everything around me- I wanted to understand things! They get this now.
At 14 I ran away. I felt like I was never listened to or heard. My feelings were continually invalidated. I wasnt encouraged or allowed to be me, or supported in this. I was forced to be and act a certain way. I was told I had to do it their way or I couldnt live there. So I left.
I wasnt getting what I needed from my parents- the unconditional love and support to grow into my true self. I am just connecting this now with the help of my Psychologist
So now to complicate things further, from my end- my point of view on this whole thing is much different. It very much feels as though a type of infedelity took place. He never told me at the time that she had aggressively made a pass at him while we were together- as well as she knew that we were in a serious and committed relationship at the time. Also, I feel as though his flirting is / was a big problem. I had never said anything about it though as I didnt want to come across as being jealous.
I feel like subconsciously, he liked the attention from her. Or he would have blatantly shut her down and made some very serious and clear boundaries but obviously he liked something or never would have gone on a date etc with her. I feel like she picked up on all of this and it allowed her to create some story / hope in her mind.
He wasnt getting the attention he craved from me and like getting it from her? Also, attention like that from a man would have made me extremely uncomfortable when I was in a relationship and I would have put up some serious clear boundaries immediately had I been in the same situation. I would not be going out with this person, even in a group.
When I returned from Alberta, the ex boyfriend and I decided to sit down and have a talk as we both felt we had some things that needed to be said to each other. The intent was that we were trying to heal, grieve and communicate in order to maintain our friendship. We had taken about 2 months of no talking already and had already ripped off the bandages of discussing our dating lives etc.
He began telling me all of the insights hed had during this time and all of a sudden this break up didnt feel so right any more. It was as though, all of the stuff I felt he was stuck on, that was keeping us at different places, were all of a sudden truly removed. He was communicating clearly. He was 100% owning up and accepting responsibilities etc.
This ended up making me question if it is possible to think about working on things again. Which brings us back to this other woman.
As we have been talking through everything he disclosed the interactions with her recently as well as the past and stated he would resolve the situation immediately so that it was not something to impact our ability to work on things any more than it already had. (Theres a lot more to this but Ill get into it later).
He met with her after work for a walk. She tried to get him to go back to his place. He told her I knew everything. He apologized for not having set clearer boundaries with her and allowing her to grow feelings for him. He explained that at the time he had not grasped what he was doing, and had thought by stating we were together was clear enough, as well as telling her he did not want a relationship when they were sleeping together. He also told her she had a certain degree of responsibility by continually pursuing him when he was in a relationship. That he also felt that this dynamic played a big part of why we struggled over the last year and a half, and why he had trouble as he was already struggling and she knew that and he felt like she also took advantage of that. He told her we were trying to work things out and as he had already made clear, he did not want anything further with her. He also made it clear that he would not allow this to impact their work environment
He had already gone to their work place owner and disclosed the situation with this woman, as well as their manager.
Supposedly She responded very negatively. She told him she had thought they had a future together, she began to have a panic attack and denied pursuing him when we were together. She also said shes going to quit her job but hasnt yet. I hope she does.
This makes me feel all sorts of weird and crazy things. Towards him and her. I feel like he was stupid and should have known better and I now feel like shes the other woman even though its such a grey area. She thought of herself and felt like the other woman and I do feel like there was emotional infidelity going on to a certain degree and he let this happen.
It makes sense to me now all the back chatter from the woman at his work and why thered be such a ruckus when I would go in. I also find myself on edge at night when he is getting off of work- having trouble falling asleep, wondering if hes going out with people from work, thinking this woman is going to approach him to talk more. She said she was going to quit and that was over a week ago and she hasnt yet. She had been causing scenes at work for the couple of weeks prior- bursting into tears on shift, snapping at him in response to work related stuff. Similar stuff had also happened for months after they had, had that kiss during our 2 week break up previously. IMO I feel like she thought/ felt like she was in love with him and the whole problem stemmed from him not blatantly shutting her down directly. He says he didnt want to hurt her feelings. Some Part of me keeps asking if there was more going on but he swears not and I believe hes truthful when he answers me but then I start to feel anxious again.
He also claims that he was always in his mind trying to cope with feelings of getting me out of his head, was never present with her and felt immensely guilty.
We have only been intimate again twice and the first time he had nail marks healing all down his back. I was devastated. I said it didnt make sense to me that a woman could react that strongly When he was describing something so completely disconnected. I am definitely really struggling to process all of this because theres 2 completely different aspects of stuff going on. I FEEL as though an affair has happened. He thinks Im justified in feeling that way as well as he def feels he did not honour me / our relationship in a way he now grasps that he should have and 100 % wants to. He sees how it impacted his insight into our relationship and his ability to connect as well. People at his work knew he had moved out of our home and the woman just started flicking all over him. He felt rejected and everyone kept reinforcing that idea to him as well. When he should have been turning inward for self growth, and toward our relationship- he instead was turning outward for support from people who did not have his / our best interests at heart as well as actually wanted to see us break up. I know how risky it is to speak to outside people about relationship struggles and when theres woman all around just waiting and you feel like youre being rejected in your relationship. Ugh. It really makes my s
@purpleWest8143
Hey West, it's really nice to see you around! But I'm really sorry you're going through such struggle like this. *safe hugs*
Spent some time to think about what you've said on here. It's really tough. I can see Storm's perspective on this and can understand how that kinda stuff happens. But I guess what's really important is what you are feeling. Can you deal with all that stuff and still continue that relationship and eventually build that trust up again? Or does your instinct tell you otherwise? So often it's hard to differentiate when we are over-reacting and/or gaslighting ourselves.
A lot of relationships have different rules and boundaries in what flies and what doesn't. Some people are okay with a flirty spouse or even someone that works in the sex industry actively without jealousy. While other folks are more conservative. It comes down to what you find acceptable and what you are okay and not okay with. And the "ignorant victim" thing I've seen people do a lot. Some people do just get wrapped up in the wrong place at the wrong time, but... what does your gut honestly tell you?
Whatever you decide, I'll support you. Hell, I think a lot of the folks here do.
Hope you feel better and can navigate out of that confusion.
Stomach start to turn
@purpleWest8143 Hi west. I dunno exactly if you are asking for input or not. But i will say a bit of something here that kinda relates to me. Try to keep things straight on when things happened and whether or not you were together as a couple or not. I mean, it sucks, but if you guys were broke up, well u kinda cant base your feelings of anything that happened while he was not your boyfriend on the current situation of trying to re light the relationship between you guys. Jealousy is ugly and can hide behind many emotions. The way i see it if i read it right. You guys were broke up, he was in collapse and tried to put himself back out there. I have done the same thing 3 times. I tried to start over. But, it doesnt take long to realize what ur heart wants and needs. This guy does love you. I am pretty sure. My advice, embrace the fact that he told u now, and try to keep this as a new beginning and try to not let anything in the past dictate the future. You can reference them to a point. But make this what you both want and need for your futures. Its hard, almost impossible for growth when things are always being held in the back ground. Its a recipe for disaster. Best of luck to you guys. I am happy for you both, and happy for what you have done with your lufe recently!
