Complex Trauma? ***trigger warnings***sexual and physical abuse
Today Ive decided to start my own journal in here rather than dumping in the daily check ins. I feel like there might actually be some benefits for me to get all of this crap out somewhere and it just feels too vulnerable to be putting it onto paper.
A year ago I finally received a formal diagnosis of primary PTSD with dissociative symptoms and secondary diagnosis of GAD. I have now also received another diagnosis query of ADD/ADHD - more on the ADD end.
I grew up in a super strict Baptist home with what everyone viewed as a loving stable home. I was bright, super inquisitive, outgoing and considered gifted. My parents saw me as argumentative and questioning them all the time. I questioned the world and everything around me- I wanted to understand things! They get this now.
At 14 I ran away. I felt like I was never listened to or heard. My feelings were continually invalidated. I wasnt encouraged or allowed to be me, or supported in this. I was forced to be and act a certain way. I was told I had to do it their way or I couldnt live there. So I left.
I wasnt getting what I needed from my parents- the unconditional love and support to grow into my true self. I am just connecting this now with the help of my Psychologist
Tomorrow were leaving town for the rest of spring break and it will be a mad dash from city to city, visiting lots of friends and family all over the island. Since Im off work and theres no holiday budget, visiting is where spring break is at this year. Im looking forward to seeing everyone but also know this wont help with me feeling more grounded right now as it seems my super slow pace at home,( with only my therapy appts , groups, physio and massages) keeps me really on track right now. I am also feeling a bit hesitant about Easter at my parents without feeling very grounded first - up until last summer I was experiencing multiple days of derealization episodes after being around them.
@purpleWest8143
Hey... I just wanted to let know that imo you are an extraordinarily strong person 💕 you've been through so much and yet you're here, helping other's on here, in your job, being a great mum for your daughters, it's amazing to see that... And it's just fascinating to see that so many people here are working in the mental health field 😁 it's somehow logical, but somehow totally silly, we should work somewhere in a dark and lonely place, without any triggers, where we feel comfortable and safe, but no, we somehow chose the hard way... And congratulations to how firm you are about setting boundaries, that's definitely sth I have to become better in...
Happy Easter to you 🐰 I hope you're able to enjoy the time with all of your loved ones 💕
@courteousNorth5140
thank you so much for this. I def dont feel like Im doing well at any of these things but I sure am trying really hard and getting stronger and better.
I remember bursting into tears in my Psychiatrists office early on in my work with her. I had said I originally went into Psych nursing as I had felt like a survivor , and thought that I had overcome all of these horrible things, thinking that I wanted to give back and help others who were struggling. I told her that I knew my experiences gifted me with a compassion and empathy that others found difficult when working with clients with severe mental health illnesses and that I understood how personal experience was that persons reality. I think this is what makes me so good at working with clients struggling with Psychosis based illnesses.
The problem, I said, was that, I was realizing, that I actually had not overcome everything and my work was re- traumatizing me. Once I clued into this and how unwell I was becoming was a real reality check. And scary and overwhelming. Because its so complicated to address. My Psychologist keeps encouraging me to consider going back to school to get into trauma therapy...... Im actually not opposed to this idea aside from the financial commitment. It is quite appealing to me to be honest.
As for the boundary setting. This is hard.
I definitely have my head wrapped around the importance of it. I think I appreciate my need and right to set healthy boundaries without feeling guilty. Its dealing with other peoples reactions to those now, that I have to work on. Such as with the roommate for example, I knew from our interactions that there would be no working through our differences so I stated that I believed our needs were no longer meshing and that I believed it would be best if she began to look for another place to live. I think this was a kind and fair way to set a boundary without laying blame. The result was multiple emails attacking me and I responded once with restating the same thing and the attacks escalated and got crazier. Thats what I need to get stronger and better with dealing
@purpleWest8143
I totally understand your problems about working with your clients, it's definitely hard... Well, I think without any triggers, in a safe and comfortable environment, at home on the sofa with our favourite music on and a cup of tea, we feel like we're fine, we feel like we're stable enough and then suddenly, boom, oh yeah, there was this pain inside of me, thanks for reminding... Well, I'm not a mental health professional, but I work at a psychiatric clinic as well, I'm only an assistant, more like a secretary 😂 but well, I still talk a lot to the patients, I see them on the hallways, I type the reports, I know their cases, so I understand you... I have the deep need to help, to make sth good of my experiences, but sometimes it's overwhelming, sometimes I'm closer to having a room at the clinic than having an office there 😁
But I'm really glad that you're having angood psychiatrist by your side who's encouraging you 😊 you definitely should think about working in thenfield of trauma recovery, well that's what you're already doing here 😊
And even if you don't feel like you're doing great, well, I understand that, I never feel like I'm good at anything, but be sure, only trying is a great achievement and for being a great mum only one thing is needed, love your children and that's what you're doing 💕
Taking a short time out from the family craziness to note some thoughts. My Psychologist was asking what takes place at my parents when Im feeling like an outsider. Things to note so far today: mom hovering over everyone continually trying to do things, in and out of rooms, offering food and drinks non stop even when declined and we can help ourselves. Babies crying non stop. 2 four year old bickering non stop- nephew continually saying things to purposely make niece feel bad (sister #1 and her husband seem to not address this much and sister #2 whos not his mom does). Niece has very loud and big reactions to everything (my sister #2 and her husband have very little patience with this and end up becoming very short and reactive).
My dad keeps pushing conversations towards finances (seems to be oblivious to the chaos around). He has been talking about me going back to work and budgeting etc. I told him Im not going back now and trying to brainstorm some ways to make up a few hundred a month. I also told him I have not been able to get tax returns from ex husband for 2 years as per our court order and that the special expense portion for our child support agreement needs to be readdressed given my reduced income. He completely dismissed my statement and continued talking about putting money away each month for vehicle maintenance costs and that I should get an electric vehicle.
It makes me wonder.... did he not hear me? Does he just purposely ignore me? Is he completely disregarding what Im saying on purpose? Its this feeling of not being heard that is maddening.
The chaos in this house that I find difficult. I see patterns repeating themselves all over again. I see kids needs not being met and energies of the adults out of control. Scattered and all over the place. My mom trying to fix things by hovering and doing things for everyone. It just makes me want to hide or something.... maybe not quite that extreme. But its loud and crazy.
@wizeakre Im really curious how things are going for you with your in laws visiting? Are you holding up? Ive been thinking of you.... and hoping that you know how wonderful you are and dont let their energy get to you ❤️
Arrived home late this afternoon and unpacked in a rush to get daughter #2 off to dance and picked up boyfriend for our weekly night together. Needless to say, with all the stuff on my mind about our relationship lately- it ended up showing to him. He stated he continually feels unwanted and unloved. I considered truly what is it that Im doing to make him feel like this as I do feel as though I love him.
I told him that honestly I think the problem might be, that there is an underlying hope / me waiting to see changes happen. That Ive been doing a lot of hard work on making changes for myself and also wanting him to be doing the work needed for his self as well. I also said that I believed these were changes I believed needed to happen for him but I didnt think he believed they needed to happen and therefor there was this underlying want of me wanting him to do something he wasnt ready or prepared for resulting in him feeling like I wasnt happy with him as he was / is. The thing Im referring to is getting help with his brain injury. He made the statement tonight that he would do anything for us, except he actually wont, because he refuses to engage in the brain injury rehab services. When things like budgeting, paying bills, filing taxes do not get done or not showing up for appointments etc. That directly impacts my life as a relationship partner. The end result of the whole conversation was that he deserves to feel wanted and loved, I ne
Need to feel like I can rely on my partner and in other words if its him, need him to be engaging in the brain injury program. What I ended up saying is I cant be sitting here expecting him to do something hes not ready to do, waiting for it to happen because its coming out in my energy in subtle ways- Resentments building up etc. And I dont want him feeling like hes feeling.
We ended up breaking up. At 11:30 pm. He left my home. Then daughter #2 texted from a sleepover to come home due to being home sick ?! Thats a first. Blanket fort here I come. I have no idea how I feel right now about this. Is it really a break up? Will I feel different tomorrow? Hes devastated. I feel awful, but mostly because hes feeling so badly. I am not feeling much of anything right now and I dont know why......
@purpleWest8143
Aww west *big bear hugs*, im sorry you had the breakup this time of night.. You definitely deserve to have a partner you can rely on West. Maybe your daughter sensed that she needed to be home? I don't know if that makes sense, but maybe she just wanted to be home for you. I hope you get some peaceful sleep tonight. I'm thinking of you and sending warm hugs, positive energy and peaceful thoughts. Much love West 
Ohh p.s. I have made an extra comfy spot in our blanket fort for you filled with all comfort foods that you would like and some really comfy soft toys to snuggle with if you would like 
@purpleWest8143
Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear about your break up :( I'm sending you lots of strength and good thoughts 💕 but I you're definitely right, you need and deserve a partner you can rely on, but well, I know this still hurts a lot... I hope you've been able to relax a bit in your blanket castle :) sounds like a really cosy place... Take very good care of you 💕
Still trying to figure out where exactly Im at today. I have this thing of getting lost in my head and being disconnected from my body. I was driving daughter #2 to dance just now and didnt even realize I had completely spaced out again and was totally off in my thoughts. She grabbed my hand and said mom you look really sad, your mouth is completely turned upside down. Huge reality check. Zoned back in to driving.
I went to group this AM and felt like a pile of crap. My hair a mess - flying everywhere in the messiest bun ever. Threw on my rubber boots still covered in mud and hay from tubing at the mountain and my snowboarding jacket- a good look for an urban city lol. My head has felt thick and foggy all day and my eyes are dry and burning. I havent felt like eating at all. During check in we all say quickly how we are. I started to say I was super tired and feeling a bit off. Then said my long term boyfriend and I broke up last night and as soon as that came out of my mouth it felt like a brick hit my chest and I just started crying. So I obviously am feeling a lot heavier than I thought. My chest has been heavy all day- like theres a weight on it. My upper back feels like theres something pulling it up in the middle. I dont know what this all means though or what the purpose is. I dont know how to connect to what Im actually feeling right now. I have been feeling less and less of a desire to spend time with boyfriend lately.
I did tell him last night that when I had asked him to move out last summer the goal was supposed to be for each of us to work on ourselves so that we could be stronger. And so that our relationship could be stronger. Last night I said it just seems like we are growing further andfurther apart. He agreed.
All he wants is to spend every waking minute with me - to go to work and be with me. I think that I want certain parts of him and keep wanting other things to change - keep waiting and hoping that hell work on things. Telling myself that these things arent who he is but are behaviours. But the problem is that hes completely happy with just showing up, he absolutely will take me 100% as I am. I am not being fair to him. I am causing him to feel unwanted and unloved by wanting him to change. I dont think I know what love is. I thought I loved him. I think I love him but I think Im destroying him. By wanting someone to do something theyre not ready to do. Or I guess, I think ultimately, I think I NEED him to do these things. I dont think I can be with him if he doesnt. Does this mean I dont actually love him because I cant be with him as he is?
Im sitting by the ocean and have a couple hours to just sit and ponder. I dont know what ill Figure out. If anything at all....
@purpleWest8143
I'd love to tell you anything helpful right now, but all I can think of is that I'm glad you're able to share your pain here and in your group... You are not alone 💕 *lots of supporting hugs*
@purpleWest8143
*safe hugs west* 
Still feeling heavy and confused. I have therapy this morning with my Psychologist and Im hoping that will help sort somethings out- also my art therapy group that my Psychiatrist is leading starts tonight and Im looking forward to that plus its a full 2 1/2 hours so Im hoping we get to make something fun!
Daughter #2s Psych assessment is tomorrow afternoon and weve been waiting for over a year for it to happen. So thats a pretty big deal - hoping it will provide some clarity for therapy going forward as well as maybe convince her dad that theres some need for change (although Im not particularly hopeful on this since hes in disagreement with the assessment taking place anyways).
Daughter #2s dad was also emailing yesterday refusing to follow a condition on our court order as a dance function has come up on of his scheduled visit weekends so hes refusing to take daughter #2. Court order says he has to accommodate dance functions or reschedule his visit but hes refusing. This happens every year and means that I have to state that she cant go to his home then. It is extremely maddening as Ive given him alternate options as the order states and he just keeps refusing and demands for her to go on original weekend and miss dance function (which is mandatory for her to attend). It is seriously crazy making dealing with him.
He has been stating that she needs to be going there for extra visits (shes also requesting this) but I stated to him its impossible to be moving forward when he continues to refuse to follow the conditions of our order. Daughter wants to plan extra weekends and cancel them if something else comes up that she wants to do in our home town. I know that this is an impossible scenario but cant tell her this. This is what I told him when I replied to his email. That I need him to begin to at least follow the court order at a minimum so that we can start to move forward. I am so tired of the constant battle and feeling attacked from him.