Complex Trauma? ***trigger warnings***sexual and physical abuse

Hi my name is Justin I want people to know not only do woman get sexually abused it also happen to men when I was 7 years old I walked in and seen my mother passed out drunk with this man he grabbed me and put his thing in my mouth to this day it Still effect me I am 30 years old now but I want people to know you can over come this it is hard to do but with love and understanding people in your life and good therapist it can be done.

My boyfriend is 11 years younger than me. He is very kind and thoughtful but also extremely passive and impulsive to a fault when it comes to me and my daughter. He does not think about himself or his needs at all and will just jump in and do whatever whenever or offer to without any consideration of his needs or the impact. This may not sound bad but it creates an imbalance. The thing is also that he is completely assertive in his workplace so it has something to do with the dynamics between us. I have felt nothing but unconditional love and support from this man. He wants nothing but what is good for me. The problem that I have is that he seems to be only concerned with this and completely neglects himself. To the point that what I do, how I feel etc effects him directly. It

Telling me this. I was confused and super upset. This went on for months. I went to my GP and to a sleep specialist and I was extremely distressed about it. Until he began telling me I was doing these things while I was actually awake still. This was when I actually got REALLY worried- here I was working with clients who suffered from Psychosis based illnesses and my boyfriend appeared to be experiencing the same. Things got worse from there before they got better but I was able to get him in to his neuropsychiatrist almost immediately. We now know that he absolutely cant mess around with his sleep. Stress levels and keeping his sleep under control are imperative. The neuropsych never gave any concrete answers as the the whys of anything but there ended up being 2 or 3 episodes of this happening for periods of time where hed suffer from hallucinations at nighttime. The last episode prompted me having to ask him to move out. It just seemed like issues that I was working on were triggering him / his anxiety and then he couldnt sleep. I HAD to be able to continue working on my well being and mental health and as long as it was triggering him I didnt feel safe to be doing that. He also needed to be working on his own health and well being. After he moved out, he went into a deep depression for months and this was devastating to watch because he felt like he needed to just move back into the home for everything to be ok but I knew that wasnt the case.

I still have a hard time because he refuses to accept any of the resources available for the brain injury - he wont take any of the classes offered to learn about the ways it might be impacting him. Let alone, any of the supports for improving his functioning. He gets angry at any mention of a brain injury and says Im high functioning! Which he is, he is extremely good at his job as a bartender. Hes done this since he was 19 and was also doing this pre brain injury. But hes not so great at regular life skills. I end up filling in for this stuff or feeling like I need to because if I dont, things that need to be done just wont. These are the things Im struggling with as I have a loving caring supportive partner who is not good at life skills. He is extremely affectionate and there is zero complaints about the physical aspect or connection. So how do I figure out exactly what I need from this relationship as I feel like I need to take care of him often , he doesnt appreciate this because I think he has trouble seeing how his well-being also impacts me if were in a relationship / partnership. I dont want to feel like my partner is completely dependant on my.

Had a horrible sleep last night - woke from 2 am and was unable to get back to sleep until around 5 am or so. Im not even sure what it was about now - if Id been having bad dreams or not. I know this morning I am feeling guilty for talking about my feelings regarding my boyfriend. Like on one hand I should be grateful that someone is so kind towards me but something isnt sitting right. Its feeling like he has no boundaries and is completely co- dependant on me emotionally if that makes sense. Im feeling really awful posting this on here as he is truly so lovely and gives so much of himself. I guess Im really trying to process exactly what my feelings are around stuff and hoping that by putting things down on here will help me sort it out. Maybe by looking at this later my perspective will change.

@PerfectStorm426 @calmLake1999 @wizeakre

ok guys, I dug out my medical folder as I begin to tackle some cleaning prior to daughter #2 coming home tomorrow. I had meant to post some info on migraines since we had all been discussing this so thoroughly over the last week and I'm tagging all of you just in case you are actually interested. If not, no worries ; ) I think I had previously mentioned that I have struggled with headaches and migraines since my early teens. I have just turned 40 this year and have only gotten them under control really in the last few years. Migraines can be such a web of multiple issues as I've discovered, so I'll also let you know a bit about what I've learned about my own issues and what has helped, as well as some of the research I've done and support and info I've been given.

Currently, I'm receiving botox treatment for migraines along with slowly coming off of Topiramate (Topamax) an antiseizure medication. I have been on Topiramate since 2015 after having some severe episodes of what I was told were atypical seizures - I now think they were actually dissociative episodes but since I also had them combined with headaches it's difficult to tell. Anyways, I would prefer to be on as little medication as possible and since topiramte can effect your cognition slightly as well as make you tired, I feel like I need to get off of this and do not want to be on a med that may have side effects that overlap with my PTSD symptoms if there are other more preferable options (hence the Botox). I was not a candidate for beta blocker medications, which are aften used because I have a very low blood pressure and resting heart rate already (I find this funny since I also get anxiety, I would have thought I have a higher Blood pressure and resting heart rate.

At the beginning of 2017, we went on a strict Auto Immune diet to support daughter #2 as she has CRMO which is believed to be an auto immune inflammatory disease affecting the bones. I had previously suffered from significant Sinus problems my whole life and was scheduled for sinus surgery Spring of 2017 following contracting pneumonia from a client at work and getting a sinus infection and ear infection that didn't subside for 4 months. But, after starting this diet, they all of a sudden started to improve. When I next saw the surgeon he stated I didn't need the surgery anymore and had informed me that it was having cut the dairy out of my diet. So I now know that I can't have dairy. When I do - my sinuses get all buggered up and I get sinus headaches. I also have a deviated septum from having my nose broken which makes any sinus issues that much more uncomfortable and difficult to drain - hence more painful.

As well, when I now have gluten I get headaches, within hours, across my forehead that feel like my brain is swollen (like inflammation). Which completely makes sense now that I have learned about the links between gluten and inflammation.

The other thing I have found out (Thank god for moving to the city with access to better Dr's and specialists) is that I had a major hormone imbalance. I had been telling my old small town family doctor for years that I suspected this but he always did basic testing and would brush me off. I was sent to a specialized dr here in the city and found out that I had zero progesterone and was estrogen dominent so began hormone therapy at age 37? hormone fluctuations are also associated with migraines.

I also have TMJ from having my jaw either broken or knocked out of place in my early 20's when I was assaulted by a group of females. I don't think there is much I can do about this, but TMJ is also associated with migraines.

I also have multple other injuries and physical problems which I address on a regular basis with Physio and IMS, weekly massages and attending yoga for mental / emotional benefits as well as the physical benefits. I also wholeheartedly believe in chiropractic care. But like every profession - it's important to find people who are skilled at their profession and it has taken me some time to find people who are good at what they do.

I have seen multiple neurologists, naturopathic doctors, functional medicine doctors, sinus specialists, allergy specialists, and a hormone specialist doctor as well.

The supplements recommended to me for migraine treatment, by the functional medicine doctor (a regular family doctor who specializes in functional medicine)were as follows:

CoQ10 100-200 mg

Vit B2 (Riboflavin) 400 mg

Butterbur

Feverfew

Magnesium 500 mg (I found bisglycinate did not give me loose bowels like other forms did)

As well diet recommendations for migraine prevention:

absolutely avoid caffeine, chocolate, aged cheese, red wine, MSG

preventative Medication trials usually look like this :

antidepressant > antihypertensive > anticonvulsant > combinations of previous > last line is botox every 3 months.

I used to pop Advil / Ibuprofen for headaches and migraines like it was candy and ended up getting a stomach ulcer. Now that i've been able to narrow down the actual causes of my headaches and address those, It's been a world of difference but I sure wish I'd been able to do something about it a lot sooner. I know that food preservatives and dyes etc are also linked to migraines and we don't eat any of that stuff at all. I can't drink red wine at all or I get a headache, gluten and dairy for sure are both no go's for myself as well but diet is obviously going to be a bit different for everyone. It does seem as though there are common trends though.

Here's a link to some concrete info as well :

http://dizziness-and-balance.com/disorders/central/migraine/treatments/migraine%20prevention.html

Havent posted in here on a personal nature much the last couple days. Im currently sitting in bed beside daughter #2 whos glued to Instagram after an afternoon of taking photos with friends 🤣.

We had a heavy night emotionally and lots of tears came out for both of us. Im feeling a mix of relief and being torn at whether or not Ive done the wrong thing.

My gawd, this kid. In some ways I feel like my intuition is heightened ( now that Im learning to pay attention to it). I wonder if I had a heightened intuition as a kid... like, if I sensed things more than others, maybe my parents werent equipped to deal with that and squashed it .... anyways, my daughter.... she seems to pick up on things with people really easily. She can sense right away if Im not giving her all the details of something. Shes always been this way. She will keep pressing for answers about things ie. questions about why she cant go to her dads more often etc. But shell do it in a way that is difficult for me to answer without giving her details I think are damaging / putting her in the middle, to know.

This evening, I ended up giving her some details to some things Ive been holding back. She had seen a private conversation on my iPhone between a girlfriend and I where I said I felt her dad doesnt make an effort to be involved in her life.

She ended up pressing me until I told her exactly why I thought that. This kid knew I was holding something back. She ended up losing it and then just blurted out a whole load of stuff about how she feels responsible for her dad and I breaking up ( she was 4), and that her life sucks, and that she basically realizes he

Today Im realizing Im getting lost again in everything going on around me. Out of touch with myself and my own feelings. Trying to support both daughters- daughter #1 calling daily from out of province the last few days struggling with her in laws completely disregarding any boundaries she attempts to set, and daughter #2 laid out on the floor crying all morning saying shes depressed and doesnt want to leave the house at all. Boyfriend didnt come over on our set day to spend together as he was feeling down and also wouldnt talk about what was going on aside from on the surface which is resulting in me feeling sad and lonely because hes not sharing his emotions again and Im questioning his emotional availability in our relationship.

I feel pretty healthy at the moment emotionally but am realizing that I actually dont feel very grounded this week.

I also found out that I wont be returning to work mid April as expected but that my work disability insurance company is going to extend my coverage. This is because they could not find any positions for me with the restrictions I currently have. I was emphatic that I could reduce my restrictions with further psychotherapy as well as the intensive personal work Im doing.

The case manager I spoke to with the insurance company tried to tell me my restrictions are permanent (not true). As well that he believes Im working hard. This whole interaction made me feel very frustrated and angry. I know more about mental health and how these things work than they do but they are the ones that have my fate in their hands, as far as access to the supports I need. As well, my psychiatrist gave me a copy of her letter outlining her recommendations for restrictions to them (specifically for me to be able to strongly advocate for myself) and it specified the restrictions were in NO WAY permanent. The case manager wanted me to give him specific timelines and specific changes that would be seen by then. I told him that was impossible 😣 I feel like having to deal with insurance companies like this, in no way helps my trauma work when a lot of my difficulties stem from not getting the support I needed following traumas and instead suffering a lot of judgement from the people I sought support from time and time again. Namely the police and my family and health care professionals. I know this isnt the same but something about it feels similar.