Complex Trauma? ***trigger warnings***sexual and physical abuse

@purpleWest8143 I HOPE you dont mind me asking but what were your disscoative symtoms i want to conper them to my own i am a 13 year old so of corss this is going to be the hardis time of my life its but iv been having very strong symtoms of dysocachon i havent seen anyone about it but i want to have anuff evadinsfor me to feel cunfritabel going to someone about it and maby getting help

ps im very sorry for my teribel spelling spite my age im dyspraxic and dyspraxic

The last 2 days I

Are emotionally abusive and manipulative- others often dont see it clearly. Hell, I didnt even clearly see it while I was in the middle of it. I just knew it wasnt healthy. In fact, I think I knew the day before my wedding- one month into living together, my intuition told me, but I wrote it off to wedding jitters. I definitely knew about 7 months into our marriage but at that point I was pregnant with daughter # 2 and did believe that marriage WAS a lifelong commitment so spent the next 4 1/2 years doing everything in MY power to make the relationship work. But when only 1 person has that mindset it wont get you anywhere. My boundaries were CONSTANTLY violated and there was / is absolutely zero insight on his part as to how he was doing this. Just absolute denial and lashing out at me when I would attempt to talk about it.

this morning for some reason I've been thinking about one particular episode that came up with ex-husband. I think because I've sort of struggled with comprehending it in it's entireity. When I think back on it, it seems simple to me..... I set a boundary, I said stop, it was not listened to and broken multiple times. I then used physical force (which I think was in line) to protect myself , but an unexpected factor came into play and he ended up getting hurt. During our divorce and custody proceedings - My ex-husband and his friend both filed affidavits accusing me of being physically abusive based on this singular incident (which I will explain further) and described what happened from their points of view. This was following me getting an emergency ex-partee order from the court as my ex-husband had refused to return our daughter (daughter #2) to drop of location following a weekend visit, and had been acting increasingly unpredictable as well as I had stated he had acted "physically intimidating" towards me - On a chance run-in at a town 3 hours from my home he pulled up beside my vehicle, walked over and began yelling at me and kicking my vehicle.

So he acted physically intimidating, was becoming more and more unpredictable, a judge had set a pick up and drop off location - which he refused to bring daughter to and tried to get me to drive to another city (we live 3 hours away from each other). I maintained I would meet at location judge had said to meet at. He then took daughter back to his home city. Lied and told daughter I had to work late and didn't come to pick her up (after already driving for an hour with her to supposedly meet me). I drove an hour and a half back home literally losing my mind not knowing what to do and as we were in the middle of court proceedings did not have an official order yet so did not think I could call the police without an order to enforce. I got up the next morning, not knowing when my daughter would return and preparing to go to the court house. All of a sudden my daughter and her dad walked right into my home and he asked where her school things were and stated he was taking her to school. I asked her to go to her room and get her stuff ready for school. I then told him very calmly that he was not welcome in my home, he needed to leave, and I would take her to school. He refused and demanded to take her to school stating he had just driven 3 hours to bring her and see where she goes to school at. I again stated he needed to leave and to do it immediately or I would call the police. He then left and as my daughter heard him walking down the stairs outside she came running out, shrieking and threw herself at her dad. It took quite a while to calm her down after he left and I think the whole ordeal basically traumatized her as she didn't understand what was happening. I still think her perception of the whole situation is that I did something horrible towards her dad although there is a slight understanding that her dad did do something wrong as she knows that I had been at the pick up location to get her. I did tell her that.

My daughter couldn't go to school that day and I ened up taking her to a close friends house whom she is very connected with while I went to the courthouse to apply for an emergency order. This was when I made the appplication for no contact until our court proceedings were finished and a formal order was in place. I laid out what had been taking place. My ex-husband states I said he was physically abusive but my exact wording was "physically intimidating".

So now, the event that he and his friend referred to, I'd really appreciate some feedback on this because this is the kind of stuff where I feel like the mind twisting comes into play. We found out we were having a girl about 5 months into my pregnancy. My ex wanted to name her after his favourite car. His previous dog had also had the same name. I at first thought he was joking and I think may have laughed at the idea. There was no way I felt ok naming our daughter after a car and I expressed this but he was absolutley adamant. I constantly was printing off lists of girls names and highlighting anything that sounded even remotely ok to me to show to him but nope - he wouldn't even look and just demanded it to be the name of that car. This went on until 2 weeks after she was born! He absolutely refused anything else!!!! I finally gave in and said I could stomach it being her middle name but I absolutely just couldn't do it for her first name. This he settled for. OMG.

Well whileI was pregant and after my daughter was just born my ex started going surfing every weekend with his friend who would show up early on the weekend to get him as the area they would go surfing was a 2 hours drive away. This friend would tease me and call her by this cars name. How's baby "X" doing and would laugh? knowing that I was super upset about the whole name situation. I suppose that I should have directly confronted him on this instead of always walking away, but to be clear here, he KNEW this was a contentious situation.

One of the days this friend came over to pick up my ex for surfing this usual teasing took place. I left the room and began folding laundry at the end of the hallway. While I was bent over my ex came up and grabbed my butt. I told him "don't". He did it again and I told him to stop. This happened several times with him laughing like it was a joke. I was not laughing. My intentions were clear. I eventually pushed him away from me but just as I pushed him he had turned away at the exact same time so that push ened up having more force than it should have as I pushed him into the direction he was going and he did a header down the hall , falling into the bathroom and hit his head on the thermostat and ended up needing stitches.

The result of this was my ex-husband and this friend both filed affidavits stating that he had never been physically abusive as I had "stated" and That I was physically abusive in our marriage as their description of this event showed. They both stated that he playfully grabbed my bottom and that I pushed him so hard that he hit his head requiring stitches. They also both stated that my husband would be up early and that I would sleep in and that when this friend would come over there was hostility in the air. WTF! I was nursing a new baby who woke up every 45 minutes. Hell yes I slept in if someone else was home! If someone keeps grabbing my body and wont stop when I tell them no I sure am going to push them away! I don't think I was in the wrong with this?!

I woke exhausted today. Yesterday was long but ended on a high note for sure. Daughter #2 had her first dance performance of the year and this year she chose to do a hip hop solo for competitions. This is a kid who struggles with anxiety and panic attacks on a pretty regular basis so this was a huge personal challenge. Weve both identified one trigger for her with anxiety, is when she feels rushed (even when she isnt actually rushed she often feels this way and starts to panic). So we formed a pretty solid plan on the weekend and I had her write up a detailed schedule for the day of prepping with tons of extra time. She also did all of her getting ready on her own so she didnt feel like she was depending on anyone and the situation was all in her control.

As for her nerves and fear of going on stage by herself.... shes a super solid dancer. But is also a perfectionist and very hard on herself. She did a solo once when she was 6 and won first place. But was overcome with fear/ anxiety for the second competition and refused to go on stage. This kid has big emotions but also I think because of this possibly, has the gift of being able to communicate emotion through dance- better than any of the other kids I watch dancing. Its AMAZING!!!

Ive had a super heavy week emotionally it feels like. Ups and downs and just lots of big feelings but I think thats a good sign considering Id been feeling emotionally numbed out for so long.

Ive been feeling this super strong appreciation for my Psychologist... like shes just opened a new world for me all of a sudden. Something has shifted for me in the last 2 weeks majorly. Ive been feeling so much more confident and assertive. Ive been really FEELING things, like wanting to (and actually doing it) cry with joy, laughing with glee, I feel like Im so appreciative of things right now. Ive been making sure to tell people just how thankful I am for them and the things they do- the things daughter #2 was struggling with around anxiety and panic, when it came to dance, I talked to the dance school owner and one of her teachers had to support her one day prior to a private class. She had a panic attack in the car and then panicked about going in and people knowing. The teacher talked with my daughter about her own struggles with anxiety. I feel such a sense of community with this school. There is so much love, support and team building. They expect the kids to exhibit the highest character and integrity and hold them accountable. Tbh I am just so utterly thankful to have so much support and love around us and I felt it right down to my bones this week I think.

After daughter #2s dance performance day earlier in the week and her overcoming that fear of doing her solo.... I went into the dance school the next day and had to make sure to tell them just how thankful I am for my daughter to be dancing there and to have the chance for her and myself to be a part of their dance family. There were many tears shed.

I also walked right in my therapy appt this week and started crying and told my Psychologist I just wanted to give her the biggest hug but knew that wasnt appropriate. She gave me the biggest warmest hug. It felt great!

Daughter 2 just had a semi traumatic morning today as well. But recovered quickly which was good. Her first dance competitions for the year started this afternoon. Shes had an infection in the full last digest of her pinky for a week. We had it drained sort of at a clinic a week ago and were told to keep an eye on it and start meds if it started swelling again. It started again 2 days ago- started the meds and by this morning it was huge and going slightly green around her nail. Back to urgent care. The dr had to cut her finger right open. She almost blacked out, was shaking so bad but held still with so much terror in her eyes. We had to go straight to the competition after! Car ride was spent comforting her and trying to get her nervous system back in check.

She was good after the 20 min ride to location. Dr called me on my cell phone a while later to check on her as he said hed been concerned due to how distressed she was. Said he hated having to do that with kids but was absolutely necessary. This Im also so super grateful for- the phone call! What a sweet soul. He also complimented me on how I supported her, which felt nice.

Well... I made sure to call his office back after her performance and asked them to tell him her and her group won first place!

She danced so beautifully..... I cried ... again. Im exhausted

Im absolutely spent this morning. Puffy eyes and just feel like I cant get myself out of bed. I have to pull myself together for another day of dance competitions and high energy for daughter # 2 and today she does her hip hop solo again. I changed her dressing on her finger late last night and it didnt look good- this also worried me as the dr had told me where hed be at today so I could bring her in if needed and Im pretty sure she wont go. Im going to leave that until after she competes but that also means potential hours and hours of waiting at a clinic if we do go. Sometimes I feel like we never get a break. Like why did something like this have to happen right when she already had such big stressful stuff going on?! Anxiety and panic attacks to overcome regarding this solo dance and then throw in this major infection .....

I dont know the right thing to do right now and even being a nurse doesnt help as I so rarely ever had to deal with wound care. I want her to make it through this weekend and I want to make sure she feels supported but I also need to make sure her finger is ok! I asked her last night if I could have done anything different and explained to her I hadnt felt supported when I was younger. I told her I wanted to make sure I knew what she needed and that I tried to put myself in her shoes and imagine what I would need. She seemed taken back a bit. I am so scared of doing to her what my parents did to me.

And genuine way?!?! I truly hope that if I overstep, people will allow me the benefit of the doubt and know that my intentions are pure. I want to see others succeed. I hate to see people struggling. I hope that my personal experiences and knowledge I may have also gained from other areas could benefit others and I am willing to share this freely. Maybe I need to ask if its wanted first??