Complex Trauma? ***trigger warnings***sexual and physical abuse

This was a key turning point for me. Prior to my choice to leave home, I had many experiences of not being believed, being blamed for things I hadnt done as well as growing up in a home where subtleties of subconscious judgement in the environment were norm.

Traditional values of marriage, relationships and religion were pushed on us. We were not allowed to critically think. We were told what to think as well as sheltered from anything thought to be damaging, risky or harmful.

At 7 years old my dad walked in on my 3 yr older male cousin touching me inappropriately. My dad yelled at us. I remember feeling as though I was in trouble even though it was my cousin who was doing this and I was not a participant. My cousin ran and hid from my dad. My dads recollection is that we were just being kids- not that my cousin had done anything inappropriate.

Last week in therapy my Psychologist finally made the connection that there was some sort of deep split for me following my choice to leave my family at age 14. I have subconsciously struggled with feelings of guilt and shame leading back to this one choice feeling like all of my traumas are because of this.

Like if I had never left my family, they wouldnt have happened.

I wouldnt have gotten raped at 15, and not cried out for help or not reported it.

I wouldnt have ended up in a physically, mentally and sexually abusive relationship from 16-22. He wouldnt have suicided when I left him.

I wouldnt have struggled being pregnant at 17 and alone and hysterical in labour for 23 hours because my partner was abusive. I wouldnt have been a teen mom in poverty, working 2 jobs and trying to finish school.

I wouldnt have ended up in an emotionally abusive marriage with someone who subjected me again to forms of sexual abuse. I wouldnt have a young daughter who is being subjected to emotional manipulation on an ongoing basis as well.

I wouldnt have an adult daughter whos also struggled with the effects of exposure to trauma- the sleep disorder and behavioural problems, substance abuse and legal troubles in her teens.

*******Trigger warning******** Proceed with caution

This is only the tip of the ice berg, or maybe even the bottom of the iceberg I guess. There are so many layers and somehow, I blame myself for everything. The 3 abortions. Getting jumped by 4 females at age 20 - knocked unconscious, my belongings stolen, 2 black eyes, and a messed up jaw resulting in TMJ and a life of migraines.

I was harassed by phone calls from a female threatening to hurt me in front of my child for a period over a year when I was 17-18 (my bf was having an affair with her although I didn't know this at the time). This girl was approx 5'10" and at 160 lbs. I was 5'6" and lucky if I was 105 lbs. I came face to face with her walking out of a nighclub and I had not had a drop of alcohol but the second I saw her I was so overcome with fear and adrenaline I blacked out and beat her up badly. I was 18. The harassing and threatening phone calls didn't stop.

I've experienced a lifetime of judgement from other people who constantly looked down on me, spoke to me in condescending ways and did not take me seriously. My first daughter's teachers at school as I was 21 taking her to kindergarten - how could I know anything?

Police were also mostly a joke. It's funny because I now work hand in hand with a lot of Police and when I'm in a professional role, my experience has been so completely different and I have a lot of respect for their profession. My experience with Police in my non home province where my first boyfriend was from, and where I lived from age 16-19, was positive. They knew this boyfriend well as he had a long record with the law and when I called them for assistance, they took it VERY seriously. When I said something happened, they listened and believed me. They removed him from the home immediately. They took me to a shelter. They took his threats seriously. They did not question the validity of a threat of a gun or having people sent after me and my daughter. When I returned to my home province where my family and support system was, my experience with police was completely different. I was never taken seriously. I felt judged all the time. This boyfriend ( my oldest daughter's dad ) would constantly manipulate the police and everyone else. I would end up being talked back into taking him back by him and his family. I would be told no one else would have me, That I had to work things out with him for my daughter. It didn't matter how in debt he put me, how many awful things he had said, how many times he held me against my will, pushed or hit me, broke my nose, sold my car, punched me knocking me across the whole room while 7 months pregnant, threw fence panels at me, stalked my teenage sister, threatened friends of mine, threatened to kill himself to me and my young sisters. I don't know how I would get talked into taking him back. I truly believed at the time that he would change and his family was integral in making me think this as well. I was so young and thought, they're adults. I know I was also hugely guilted into taking him back, by them and him. I finally left him and made it stick at the age of 21. He had come to visit from out of province. I had never intentionally actually gotten back together with him - but he just wouldn't leave and I think at this point I had become scared of conflict. Before then I would assert myself and stand up for myself but always with dire consequences. This time, he came to visit in February and wouldn't leave. Police had been called once or twice and he talked his way out of situations blaming me for them. I ended up giving my notice at my condo at the end of my college semester in April and moved back into my parents place with my 4 year old daughter. I remember receiving a phone call from him about 4 weeks later and I'm not even sure why I took it but I recall telling him without any emotion that I just was not going to let him destroy our lives any more. That I was completely done. Period. All that he said was that he was so sorry. No excuses or anything else. He suicided 2 weeks later. He left a note scribbled on a cigarette pack thanking me for playing him out. and that was basically it. This messed me up - I know it did.

edited by Rain45 Added trigger warning and edited to comply with guidelines

Please bear with me if youre reading this. This diary is going to be a jumbled mess of jumping back and forth from present day to past and I know wont have any linear sequence. I want to just get it all out in one go but getting out 40 years of life at one time would be impossible. I made a comment somewhere today in

forums or the trauma group , or maybe here in response, that I did feel strong at one point. I did feel like a survivor and like I had overcome my traumas and struggles. I went back to school as a single mom with 2 daughters at home, amid my last super traumatic period of life. I felt like I had overcome all of these horrible awful things unscathed and I wanted to give something back to others who were struggling. To the ones that hadnt overcome or were never given the chance. I felt like my experiences gifted me with a deep empathy.

When I was in college earlier I had been majoring in Psychology. I was interested in understanding human behavior. Why some people went one direction and other people another. After my oldest daughters dad suicided, I returned to college for one more year but as soon as the stress of mid terms hit I started crumbling. I had been in denial of the impact of his death prior to this I think. It was like it hadnt effected me. I still struggle with my feelings surrounding this event. Here was a man who abused me in every way possible as well as subjected my daughter to abuse. I truly believe he would have attempted to

Impact our lives negatively forever had he lived. My family was happy he had died. My mom actually admitted she prayed for this on a regular basis. But I still had cared about this man, underneath all of the awful abuse he subjected us to, I saw the hurt and pain he had suffered. I saw the scared little boy he had been, hiding with his sister in their bedroom with a knife while his dad beat his mom. I had empathy and compassion for him and had cared for him. I knew he was a product of his upbringing and his parents- the cycle of abuse and dysfunction. This was also why his family kept talking me into taking him back- they were still embroiled in these patterns, although I didn

I weaned off of sleeping pills for a number of reasons but was able to do this once I started working a straight day line. My GP had also been pressuring me to do this and I felt was being super judgemental about it, as I couldnt seem to get him to understand that I didnt want to be taking them. The second I got off of them I was but it has been a godsend. It has just taken the edge of slightly enough that I dont have terrible nightmares right now. I still process a lot in my sleep - sometimes distressing depending on whats going on in my life but not those horrible wake up shaking, kicking and sobbing kind of dreams. hit full force with horrific nightmares again. And these werent just nightmares about the suicide, these were nightmares about all of my traumas- memories or new situations with similar themes. It was awful and my GP wasnt offering any solutions. It seemed to me like he was attaching judgement to me for any kind of sedative type medication. Ill get into this more in another entry but I have picked up on this feeling from my GP a number of times. Like he talks down to me, doesnt take me seriously and casts judgement. I now finally work with a super supportive, trauma informed Psychiatrist and am on a super low dose of Quetiapine. I didnt want to take this as its an antipsychotic and considered a dirty drug in mental health

Totally got sidetracked. Back to adult daughters dads death- I think Ive always been in an emotional internal conflict over this. Maybe I need to give myself permission to grieve and actually do this. I still have boxes of his things- I dont know why and I think I need to get rid of them. I also know part of me blames

myself for his death. I think if I had been able to leave and make it stick the first time or much earlier, he wouldnt have done what he did. That my difficulty with sticking to a boundary led to his death. I know I need to forgive myself- that I was a teen and did my best with the resources I had. But its hard as now I know thats what SHOULD have happened.

So back to me returning to school. I decided to become a Registered Psychiatric Nurse. While everything was falling apart with my 13 year old daughter. This I think was when I started noticing some little cracks . I started having the odd panic attack although they were in situations where I think most people would have them ie. getting a phone call from police while my daughter was a missing person. They had found a body burned beyond recognition. It appeared to be the same size as her. They absolutely needed to know if ANYONE had been in contact with her. She was Already officially a missing person. I encountered numerous situations that were severely anxiety producing like this over the next few years.

Im glad you finally let it all out

Things with my oldest daughter were really bad for approx 4 years. She went from climbing in my bed to sleep at night to 6 months later starting using mj, 3 months later ran away to her dads families ( they refused to encourage her

to come home or facilitate any

relationship work with me), and within a couple months she was sexually involved with young adult men, committing indictable offenses ( equal to felonies). She was 13. This was my baby and the family who was an integral part of my abuse was enabling all of this to take place. I was heavily connected with the Ministry and social workers and the way the law is, I was powerless to do anything. My interactions with police were awful- they would treat me like I was the problem. My home was broken into and robbed by my daughters friends as my neighbours witnessed them. The police wouldnt lay charges as they said it would impact my relationship with my daughter negatively.

I ended up researching what king of programs and interventions were available in these kinds of circumstances and found a place across the province that had an intensive live in program for youth who were struggling. They provided a thorough psychologist assessment, schooling, billet family, counselling and worked with the family on attachment based interventions and behavioural planning basically. It was $14,000! I was a single mom getting ready to return to school. I was getting EI, had just left my husban

And he refused to contribute anything because he said he had no money . He bought a speed boat the next month. I took out a loan and we more or less took her there against her will . I know this is awful. She knew before hand and the Ministry and probation were in agreement but when the day came she climbed out a window from the second story, in the winter, without shoes. And took off. I took my 4 year old daughter to the neighbours and then rushed off after her. I caught up to her a few blocks away. I cant remember what all happened but I know she punched me ( she was 59 , Im 56) and I tackled her to the ground. Someone pulled up and was yelling at me to get off her and that they were calling the police. I begged them to please call! The police held her in their car until my ex husband came and then we drove her across the province. Wow. Im crying putting this on here. This was awful. Awful for her and for me. I felt so amazingly desperate I cant even begin to explain. My daughter had JUST turned 14! She was sleeping with adults, abusing hard drugs, knocked out her front teeth, committing felonies and at the start of the year had still been climbing in bed with me! I still cant even wrap my head around this. And her dads family was LETTING this stuff go on in THEIR home!