I don’t even know how to deal with this

@purpleOcean3814

I think many children experiment with clothes on and it is out of curiosity or pretending about something you were too young to understand what is was really about.... 

This seems to bother you more then her and that might be some guilt on her part.... i can understand how you have bad feelings towards her....   of course for any kid who did curiosity things we most likely would never want others to know because at this point they do not see it as silly kids pretending but read far more into it....   you are not alone....  needing to let go of your shame and your feelings towards your sister ... even if she was a person who manipulated you ... that does not erase it only assigns blame.... will that change your memory?    I doubt it. 

I agree with you. I know a part of me is too bitter towards what had happened, especially since we were only kids. It’s unfair to label her all these things when her and I had gone through the same things together. I think I originally posted because of how unfair it felt to me to be this bitter but also be this guilty.

I think a part of me wishes I was stronger as kid to be originally confident that I had a voice to say no, but I can’t change time. Instead, I have to live with the fact that, instead of forcefully saying no first, I waited in hopes she’d stop and that she’d see how bitter I was.

@purpleOcean3814

   I think so many people wish they can have a do over .... to go back in time and say things we wish we had .... wish we would have stood up  for ourselves especially after we feel more self aware and strong. 

The reality is we cannot move forward when we are too focused on past that we cannot change now. 

@purpleOcean3814 I’m sorry you went through this and are struggling with it now. It is brave of you to write about and to have talked with your sister about. It sounds like maybe the forcefulness of it, that you weren’t able to say no and have that be it, was a lot of why it’s stuck with you so much? And that you’ve seen other controlling behaviors in her since then?

Her response to you stuck out to me. You didn’t mention anything about a hard childhood. Do you know what she meant by that? Could she have gone through something that you didn’t that might’ve caused her to want to do those things?

Hey, thank you for this; I know it doesn’t seem like much, but I feel a lot more seen. I think both the emotional forcefulness of it and feeling so much disgust all the time is what is causing me so much distress. I felt like (and still feel like) I don’t truly have a voice around her without her putting a finger over my mouth and telling me to stop talking. It has been that way since we were kids, and I never saw it as malicious until recently because, out of her and my parents, she was the least abusive at that time.

And, sorry, I mentioned it slightly in the first sentence but nothing more than that. When we were kids, we suffered a lot of narcissistic abuse from my father, neglected (never were taught how to properly shower, cook, clean, or had any sort of sex talk), and were forced to be adults as kids (my mom was bipolar unmediated and an addict and my father left us with her constantly in unsafe situations, we had to intervene in arguments and talk them down, and were their therapists during all these times). So, we were going through a lot, and all we had was each other, so we always pretended to be different people and play these games. I don’t think I realized just how manipulative my sister could be, just because my parents at the time felt so much worse.

Now that we are older, and my parents have gotten world’s better (admitted to things, said their sorry, and changed), I’ve begun to see just how much distress my sister was causing me. I feel like my sister thinks she has so much power to do anything with me (bc my parents forced me to say yes to everything they said; I have been, in the past, very awful at letting people control me emotionally into doing things I don’t want) despite loving me so much, where if she commanded me to lay down and die, I believe she used to think I would do it for her. I know she grows weary because I’ve gained a lot of strength since going to therapy.

i did ask my sister if she was ever assaulted, just because I know that if a child touches another child inappropriately, that usually is the case, but she promised she hadn’t (which may not be true, but for now, I’m taking her at her word).

@purpleOcean3814 I’m so sorry, I see now you did mention a hard childhood in the beginning. I’m also sorry to hear what you both went through. I can relate with a lot of it, narcissistic abuse and an ill mother. I’m really glad to hear there has been improvement from your parents. 

She probably is being truthful and you both did experience the same things. Each person can react differently to trauma. Sometimes people can adopt more of a passive, people pleasing, peacemaking personality. They may do things like allow others to make decisions or not speak up when they need something, to avoid confrontation or keep others happy. Others might take a more assertive or even aggressive stance over others, making sure they get what they want first, as a way to feel more in control of powerful in their life. Some people might become like the hero of every situation to feel better.  I don’t think people or aware or understand that they are doing these things, especially if they feel it’s working for them. What I’ve noticed is it seems like the more passive folks (me included) usually become more aware of how we relate to others, because at some point we realize it works great for everyone else but our needs get met too late or not at all.

I hope therapy is something you can give yourself maybe when you’re older and away from your parents knowing. It can help a lot with coping techniques. Until then, I’m really glad you found this site, and I hope it helps some. It really means a lot to me that I was able to help you feel seen! ❤️

Thank you for this. Honestly, because I’ve been dealing with this, other parts of my childhood are also becoming more clear to me, so that, too, has been a bother, so I appreciate that support as well.

And, you are definitely spot on: I have definitely adopted the people-pleasing response, and I can feel that I’m bitter at myself and others for it, while my sister has been, for sure, assertive with people she knows she can tolerate it and passive with people who can’t. So, it’s been hard because I feel I’m a target of that assertiveness constantly. I have also realized just how much of a liar she is and how much she tries to manipulate situations, and that has left me weary as well. I think it just makes the trauma with her worse, knowing she has ill intentions a lot.

She and my father have this thing where they know exactly how to hurt someone, and they use that power creepily, where during a fight or after, they taunt or brag that they know how to push my buttons. They know that being passive aggressive or not talking to me really sets me off, and that bothers me too.

ugh, sorry, I kept going on, but I’m really excited to graduate college this next semester, so I can separate from my sister and just live my own life. I’m always tied to her because we are twins, and it just makes me feel more distraught. And, I’m glad I found this site too, thank you 💜

@purpleOcean3814 Hey ❤️ No need to apologize at all. This is your space here, so write as much as you need. I like longer responses anyway because it helps me understand situations better. 

I can relate to this. I never told my sister to stop but I do remember her hurting me when she was on top rubbing up against me. I guess o tried to overlook it bc we had talked about it. Agreed that we were young and didn't know what we were doing. But it still bothers me. Now after learning just recently from my Mom that my sister was sexually abused as a child it makes sense. It bothers me even more now too. Especially now that my Dad has passed away 2 years ago and she is just now remembering and telling my Mom. It brought up painful traumatizing memory of being exposed to my half brother who is schizophrenic. I'm worried the two could be related. It's so painful I just don't know what to do. My sister doesn't even remember who did this to her. I don't even want to tell my Mom especially now after a major loss in our family. I know it would just cause everyone more pain and heartache. How do I deal with these memories and knowing it could be related to my sister sexually being abused. Please I need so support I'm in so much pain and feel so lost and confused. Worried I may have been abused in the same way too 😢💔 I can't believe this is coming out after losing our Dad. Just way too much heartache I don't understand.

@purpleOcean3814

I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling with this. I hope you can be gentle with yourself throughout the process. You are not alone. 🙏🏻

@purpleOcean3814 Talking is very important, you need to know what the other person is thinking. From your description, it seems that your sister is too clingy to you, and communication is still ineffective. First of all, I hope you understand why your sister does this. I personally think it is because of the hardships you have experienced together, and she thinks she feels safest only when she is with you. And the fact is that no one in this world can be closer to you than she is. You two are not the same person, even though you are similar. My brother is also very clingy to me, simply because I am more mature and can always get the benefits. But everyone should have their own private space. I think you should take her to make friends instead of just following you to do everything.

An update:

I realized a source of my pain was the fact we still roleplay (or acts as different characters) sometimes, and it freaks me out. I think it’s because that is what originally lead to the other thing, but either way, I talked to her how I have been thinking of stopping role playing since May, and I wanted to set the boundary with myself to no longer do it.

I swear, I spent so much time putting care into my words because I knew it was a delicate matter, but it became so difficult because my sister kept saying things like, “I’m going to k*** myself” and “oh, look at you, being an adult” etc, etc. I didn’t leave her room until we were okay because, I swear, I was only nice to her; I didn’t even jab back when she was being rude, which I’m a little proud of,

but, the past few days, she has been very distant with me and keeps saying things like, “Well, I’m still going to ask you to sometimes,” which totally goes against what I had originally told her, so I replied with, “I’m sorry, but, even if I want to, it’s a boundary I’m setting with myself, so I’m never going to ask, nor say yes.” And she got so mad, mocking my job and how adult I was.

I can’t deal with her anymore, I just can’t. She knows all those things hurt my feelings, she knows how to make me feel bad. I know it’s subconscious, but I think she’s trying to make me feel super guilty in order to roleplay again out of guilt.

@purpleOcean3814 I just want to give you a big hug. Setting boundaries is so crazy difficult, and maintaining them can sometimes be just as hard if not more so. I’m really proud of you for honoring your own comfort and preferences, even when getting some backlash. You’re always allowed to say no, change your mind, change your mind again, put yourself first, say yes when you want to, take time to think about something… anything. It shows your character in how you do this while also trying to be considerate of the other person’s feelings. I can tell what a conscientious person you are. 

This truly made me cry happy tears this morning. Thank you so much. I have just felt like a bad person recently with this and some friend stuff, so this filled a hole in my heart, thank you 💜

@purpleOcean3814 You’re so sweet. ❤️

Gosh I’m sorry you’re going through so much with people lately, and that it’s been causing you to feel that way about yourself. I totally understand. Please make sure you take good care of yourself with things like eating and sleep. And maybe do something extra or fun for yourself that you enjoy. I know with myself sometimes I get so caught up in the mental energy I spend trying to figure out people stuff, that I can forget basics or things that help me relax. I don’t get the sense that you’re a bad person at all. I think a bad person wouldn’t care, and it is obvious to me that you care a great deal for others.

Sending you lots of good thoughts. ❤️

I feel for you, as kids. We all play, but it seems your sister. Seem to find a place, where she can hide, mentally. Unlike yourself, you discovered, it was not for you , infact it make you ill. She seems to be a very controlling person, and she is not afraid to make you feel uncomfortable,

She seems , not to be able, to cope with life on her on and she likes it so much . She can’t give it up. As you said you had a hard life, which made her, go into this life, where she feels safe and comfortable,

because you are with her it makes it all

normal for her.

you really need to stand up to her, do not let her rule you. Because it is not, good for either of you

if uou need any help , message me . To talk more

Another update:

I gave in to my sister. I don’t really know why or how, but I’m continuing to play our stupid games. I don’t know why, but it either is so fun (again, it’s role playing) or I feel so depressed that I want to cry. I had a nightmare where she graped** me last night, and I’m not sure what to do. I know I keep asking for advice even though I keep doing it to myself, but anything is good.

half of me wants to run away and never see anyone again

@purpleOcean3814 Hi friend. ❤️ The thing about trauma is, sometimes we do things without fully understanding why. Maybe we have multiple, opposing feelings about what’s happening. Maybe sometimes it feels nice to receive love from the person we feel conflicted about. Maybe it feels easier at times to give in so we don’t have to think about it, feel guilty, or spend energy saying no continually. Trauma is even more complicated when it involves a family member or someone we really care about. 

It’s ok to write about it and want support. It’s ok to feel one way about it one moment and another the next. It’s ok to feel many emotions at once. You’re not bad for it. No judgment. Try to offer yourself kindness and grace today. Sometimes we just do the best we can in each moment.