I don’t even know how to deal with this
TW assault
My twin sister and I have always been close, really close. We had a really hard childhood, honestly, but we have always stuck through it together. One thing that kept our minds off everything was playing games together, like where we pretended to be different characters from shows or movies and improved as them. We’ve been doing this our whole lives - we are currently 21.
Recently, when I was on the train, I remembered something awful, like all of these memories hit me like a freight train. For about a month when we were ten, with clothes on, pretending to be characters making out, we humped. We didn’t know what sex was or anything like that, but the thought has made me want to throw up and die.
I remember being ten, crying to my sister that I didn’t want to do it anymore, and her guilting me and telling me it wasn’t weird. I had to fully scream and push her off for her to get the hit. We hadn’t talked about it since.
Over the past few months since I’ve remembered, I’ve grown to hate her. She’s always been emotionally manipulative, even my parents admitted so, where she keeps me emotionally hostage by ignoring me or screaming at me if I’m not exactly how she wants me to be. I’ve realized over the past few months how clingy she is. If I don’t hang out with her for one night, she’ll get very mad; or, if we hang out, and I’m not full of energy (I have an history of depression), she also gets mad.
I don’t know what to do. This secret is killing me, and I know that everyone I know would hate me if they knew. But my twin and I have the same friends, live in the same house, etc. I can’t just dump her from my life, and she isn’t a bad person, so it’s not fair I hate her so much.
I plucked up the courage to bring up this trauma last week, and, understandably, at first she seemed reluctant to talk about it. But, after I started sobbing, she said something weird and it just made me feel worse. “We had a hard childhood,” she said, “we needed each other.” And, I’ve never been more weirded out.
that’s something you say to someone you’re hooking up with or using, not the sister you traumatized. It’s so weird. I can’t even deal with it anymore. I can’t go to therapy because my parents would have to know why, and they can never know