Journaling your Experience

@munchiegoosie

Thank you for making this post. I feel so unsafe when I don't talk to my parents anymore. I feel hurt even when I look at other people because I feel like they would hurt me if I talk to them yet I crave so much. Existence feels really bad. I feel like I'm being pushed inside a prison and will be punished.

Okay trigger warning I guess is what I am supposed to do still new but I warned you read at your own risk. I didn't get the I love you sweet heart have a great day or hugs and kisses growing up.. it really bothered me how my mother treated me differently from my brother I was 9 when he was born so big age difference but she was all hugs and kisses for him and I would be standing right there like hello I am right here too.. I was raised to believe that I was molested by a guy friend of my mother but turned out was raped I was 5 ..I remember having to go to police department use dolls to explain what happened.. I didn't feel right being around kids my age after that .. I couldn't relate to them they were all running around being loud carefree while I felt empty lonely didn't know why ... Remember teacher asking me why I was not playing? I told her I don't know how to be like that anymore she didn't know had no idea what I was talking about it was plain as the expression on her face. I remember going to school that was only for behavioral or learning disabilities I actually learned cursive writing and my math skills were great but then stupid Karens of the world said that children with disabilities needed to be with regular kids .. can you please guess what happened 🤔🧐 math skills plumited because they focused on language skills instead of equally so ta-da suck at math . Oh I was diagnosed dyslexic and add that was learning disabilities .. had school before the just for disabilities because it was private school christian school kindergarten teacher didn't believe In dyslexia wanted to hold me back .. the one where I didn't want to play was different school and was made to redo kindergarten I glued crayons to my desk..they called my dad ..he asked me why I did it..🤔😒 I was like I know all this stuff my abc how to count my colors none of the kids listen to the teacher it's loud and I got bored so I decorated my desk.. he said there ya go but told me you shouldn't have done that.. I have some good memories mixed up mashed with bad ones so much bad.. I learned early not to trust anyone I learned to keep everything bottle up no one cares no one listens to kids at least not back then .. I learned people could do horrible horrible things to me tear me down I was supposed to just get over it let it go but then when you have someone bringing up your past talking about it like they know when they don't know crap never really 😒 wanted to know why I stopped making good grades why I was tired why I chopped off my hair no one cared no one asked why I missed so much school no one noticed 5th and 6th grader missed a lot of school . I was scared to talk about what happened embarrassed wanted to pretend it never happened wanted to be normal wanted to be happy but I was broken and missing something .. sorry 😔😥 not probably helpful I saw someone post about not having Dad figure the whole "I love you have a great day sweetheart" really I can relate but then all this came out that's age 5 to 11 yeah trust me it doesn't get better wish I could say that I had gotten help and things got better but it would be a lie.. I got where I quit modeling school chopped off my hair just went to school then walked and walked around neighborhood during summer lived at the pool and trust me I know I probably shouldn't have been there by myself but it was my escape I swam so much got swimmers foot had to take break from swimming weeks to be exact which sucked .. I walked pushing my brother in stroller and then my sister when she was born so much that neighbors thought my sister was my baby no seriously.. she looked just like me that didn't help 😒 but I dressed her in matching outfits well colors and it was my mini me LoL 🤣 she called me sissy Mommy that was not cute in public.. people thought I was ignoring my toddler I was 15 so no not funny 😒🤬 didn't help that my mom played it up in crowded Disney world.. oh I tried to spend the rest of my time away from my mom even staying at hotel room watching TV swimming and sleeping ... I called boyfriend he was 22 dad was pretty upset about phone bill .. wrecked dune buggy tore my leg up almost drove it into ocean 🌊 . I had girl at pool try to make out I was pregnant I had abs and smaller than her and her friend ..I guess that wasn't so awful of a memory but it doesn't last ..I realize that guy I am seeing is friends with guy who did what he did to me and several times his friends all old enough to know better that was the 5th 6th grade horrible time .. and off and on this whole time because I couldn't escape he knew where I lived hung out with guys in my neighborhood so unless I stayed in my house my room couldn't escape he would drop off for a while then always pop back into my life .. I hated trying to act like I was ok being around him hated how he corner me make me feel trapped small and pathetic and I would go along with it hated how I try to convince myself I enjoyed it because I knew saying no wasn't a option .. learned that way back then .. I hate how I can remember his name I hate how I remember and still keeps me up at night I'll go awhile be fine and something will trigger memory so many I wish i could forget .. that is just age five to 16 not anything current that haunts my dreams ok I get tired of being asked why you stay in relationship with someone who has abused you 😒😡🤔🧐🤬are you being funny I have to remind myself oh yeah this jerk doesn't know all your other trauma to help them understand why you freeze why when you know you should run not walk away because years and years of sexual abuse verbal abuse and emotional abuse has made it where you just give in give up go along even when you know that they don't love you, know no one has. even though you want it so badly to have someone actually love you that you just accept whatever you are given even if it is bad not real? No oh .. ok awesome 😒😑 I think I have traumatized people with this my real pain my life not so pretty is it or happy loving a lot of hot steaming piles of poo with okay times sprinkled in between and everyone wonders why I am the way I am . not trusting and keep everyone more than arms length from me don't like confertations arguments don't like being touched unless I ask .don't like anyone getting up in my space and face.

Hey...

I uhh...I got a few I guess. Well, in general growing up, since I was a histrionic kind of kid, I didn't have many friends, and now that seems to drive me to become super attached to the ones I do have. I remember back at my old school, the girls I was friends with would disappear into the bathroom for like half an hour every lunch, and I would just wait outside with nothing better to do. And recently I found out one of them did some stuff that I was against and I had to cut them off and it...devastated me. Like I was just broken for a while. I guess it goes to show how obsession works.

Got attached to someone once - it was just an online thing. We hung out every day. I thought of them as my best friend but - there's allways a but - they wanted and needed more in terms of communication and I have a really hard time with talking on the phone and I guess they just had enough so they left - for six months they no longer existed. They came back online - left two novel length messages pointing out everything I did wrong but stated I'm not a bad person - it was supposed to give me closure and help me move past - according to them anyway but it didn't. Oh - I've let the person go but the words? How can I let those words go when they're so similar to things I've heard before? Now there's just more caution - less trust with people - no expectations. People leave - when you can't or won't give them what they want or need - they allways leave

Thanks for this forum.

Can someone tell, if some trauma is the basis of attachment disorders?

Can someone have attachment issues without any trauma too?

i get attached very easily. i’m super attached to my girlfriend and i cry when i can’t talk to her and i freak out when she goes somewhere . i feel like i am being toxic but it’s all from past trauma. i wish she understood why i felt this way but i can’t explain to her why. i don’t know how to describe it. i’ve told her but i don’t know i still act different when she can’t talk to me. i hate my self when i spam her phone. that’s toxic. i wish i could control my self and let her go places and not freak out when she hasn’t answered for ten minutes. she’s not cheating. i wish i could stop thinking she is. she wouldn’t do that. when she’s not responding that doesn’t mean she’s talking to someone else. she’s just watching her show on netflix.

Perhaps my attachment issues is quite different from many others but it is sometimes frustrating me a lot. Instead of not being able to be attached or getting attached too often, I have a trouble of not feeling long-term attachment? I have good relationships with my friends and family, and in terms of S/Os, I couldn't commit to a relationship because I like them for one minute but after a few weeks/months, I lose interest (I like them but I start not being super attached to them). It just keeps happening. The same also happens with friendships. It's not that I don't like them anymore, but it's just that I don't feel that much of a connection.