CLOSED to new questions AMA September 14-16th with therapists Rory and Stacy

Hi @MermaidHelene

It might be something you can talk to your therapist about (feeling unheard) and/or if you can't find resolution you could always explore working with someone different. Don't forget that we are consumers when it comes to therapy so if you aren't getting your needs met you can always research and interview someone that might be a better fit.
Stacy

Hi,

I have a question about life changes. I often find myself in despair that life changes are unreacheable in short term. Is it somehow possible to find a little success for life change that I would be sure that my life will indeed change?

@windSpirit

Sometimes it can feel like you're 'stuck' and not making progress on your life goals, even if you have short-term goals. Try writing your goals down on a list for a set time period, for example write down your goals for the next 30 days or 3 months. When you have them written down try to put a timeline on them, how long will it take you to accomplish them? What are the steps you need to take to get there?

Quite often one of the biggest challenges with meeting life changes or goals is that we can get stuck along the way and it can feel very discouraging. Breaking down your goals into smaller goals can help with managing them as you work toward completion. Be sure to set realistic, achieveable goals for yourself too, this helps keep a focused outlook and plan for what you want to unfold.

Be open to changes from every direction in your life. There may be things that come up along the path to your ultimate goals, and some will be good and some will be not-so-great. Embracing those changes and surprises when you can may lead to some unexpected findings.

For Stacy: I noticed in your bio that you have worked with people with chronic/acute illness. What kind of therapy can help those of us (myself included) who are struggling due to health problems? Thank you

Hi @adventurousBranch3786,

Generally with chronic illness or disability we focus on stress management, anxiety and depression and stigma. It really depends on what the client wants to work on. I have worked with disabled athletes for a long time so that has been a primary focus.

Stacy

I am suffering from relationship stress. My boyfriend ghosts me in every few days. Everytime he has different reasons, but this time he disappeared without any big reason. We talked happily. When he comes back, he mostly talk abou sex and then he disappears. He was no like this in the beginning. He has changed with time. I want to know the reason why he ghosts me and I want to know what should I do with this guy.

@EnthusiastikCat786

Without knowing what your boyfriend is thinking it is impossible for us to say why he is ghosting you, but having that conversation with him will likely reveal more about what is going on. You can open a conversation with him by bringing up the topic gently and use 'I feel..' statement. For example, 'I feel like you have been distant lately. Is everything okay?'.

Having these kinds of conversations can be difficult and anxiety-provoking, and it is important to keep in mind that these types of conversations help us gain understanding in our relationships. Without asking him or without having the conversation with him, chances are you may not get the answer you need. If you are not sure how to approach this topic with your partner, talk to a friend or a therapist here on 7 Cups for some extra advice and to come up an action plan.

@RoryBoutilierRPC Thank you so much for your reply. I will try ask him this time.

I am getting more down everyday. I can't seem to pick myself up anymore. I have been fighting with my husband almost all the time for the past 5 years. Mostly about my son who has ADHD. Situation doesn't permit us to live separately and the whole family is affected. I cannot seem to move on, I am short tempered and always fatigue with lots of brain fog. What can I do?

How do you have time for self--care when it is hard to balance your basic survival needs with care giving and multiple other responsibilities and still achieve a

stable and balanced mental health? I'm having on-going struggle trying to decide what to try. @soulsings

@Lolowise475

'Self-care is a priority, not a luxury, in the work that we do.'

I read that quote a few years ago and it really spoke to me, and my hope is that it will speak to you in the same way. Self-care truly is one of the most worthwhile investments we can make in our lives, both physically and emotionally. To take care of others, first we have to be in a good place ourselves. If not, we are more likely to get frustrated or be short tempered, or even make mistakes. Having a break from your work and regular responsibilities helps disconnect from the 'rat race' of life and allows you do to something that we don't do a lot of - focus on yourself. It's okay to say 'This is all about me!' for a little while.

A tip for making sure you are taking care of yourself is to actually schedule time into your day, even just for a few minutes, to do something that you enjoy and that takes your mind off of things. If could be at 12:00pm every day, or in the early evening. Some people play video games, watch comedy shows, read, exercise, or spend time with pets. These are just examples. Whatever you do for relaxation, it should be something that is not related to work. For example, if you are a student and you take a break from studying to read a self-help book for managing anxiety, that's pretty close to what you were already doing. Instead, take a break from studying and take a quick walk around the block, if you live in an apartment you can try going up and down the stairs a few times, or even if it is watching funny cat videos online. For most people self-care involves a disconnect from their everyday life where they don't have to think about what they are doing, others like to be engaged and do puzzles or watch documentaries. Whatever your self-care is, make yourself a priority and set aside a few minutes a day to do something you enjoy. If you cannot do something every day, make a longer plan for the end of the week - yoga, for example.

How do you safely relearn how to be social after abusive friendships from an early age? Quarantine complicates things even more and I find myself completely isolated except for my family, thankfully they are loving and support me. I'm learning more about narcissistic abuse and believe that describes what I have faced.
Any resources you can recommend?

Thank you!

@TealTempest27

Take your time there is not wrong or right way take baby steps

@TealTempest27

Being around friends who turn out to not actually be your friends can leave you feeling hesitant to meet other people, and it can also leave you feel isolated. Meeting new people after you have had bad experiences with others can be difficult, but it is definitely possible.

As one other user said, give yourself time and be patient with yourself. Keep in mind you don't have to rush into things from the beginning, meeting new people takes time and forming friendships is a process, not a short-term thing. Use your best judgement when meeting people.

Try searching for activities or hobbies that you enjoy and meeting people through those activities. Meeting potential friends who have similar interests is a way to have an icebreaker in the conversation and also have common ground to talk about.

Finding some strategies to manage social anxiety can help too, check out the Social Anxiety Brief Guide right here on 7 Cups.

@soulsings There's not much talk/mention about sexual mental health during these periods of isolation and lockdown on 7Cups or other outlets to discuss it, so maybe this is an appropriate place and people to ask these questions.

Isolation and lack of sex for singles who are looking to date but don't or never did have casual encounters feels challening.

Any suggestions for single people looking for a partner virtually (not seeing people in person or social distance dating yet) and giong through perimenopause with hormones and libido that are skyrocketing so I feel better about self-care/self-pleasure efforts and they don't lead to addictive behaviors or get out of control? How to balance the need for social, touch, intimacy, self-care, and "staying safe at home" with my desire to find a committed monogamous partner but not finding a partner I can trust yet to meet in person - while I look? Comments?

Hello, thanks for helping people here. I would like to ask how can one stop your mind from checking for danger and seeing potential threats, knowing secretly that it's paranoid in a way, and having to hide it because you know others around you don't think that way, and at the same time knowing that these thing actually do happen, have happened, so they are actually also a reality, not just paranoid thoughts, so they are valid also?

And how do you get past the disconnected feeling, not feeling connected to even the people you should feel connected to.

I'm very tired of living each day in a stressful maintenance mode and not knowing when that mode will stop.

How do you make these things stop please.

I'm at college, about 1000 miles away from my parents. I'm fully an adult (have been for a few years but don't want to give away my age), but both my mom and my dad are continuing to micromanage my life from a completely different state, up to the point that they're constantly monitoring my location using life360 and not letting me disable or delete the app. It's causing me daily anxiety. I've tried to compromise on some of the things they don't want me doing (staying at my boyfriend's house on the weekends, leaving campus, etc) but they make no effort to listen to anything I have to say. How do I bring up the fact that they're hurting me, mentally, without it coming off as extremely rude or disobedient?

@anyonymouscollegestudent

I'm gonna be honest you need to cut free before it destroys you the way it did me and my siblings the only power they have ie what you give them

@anyonymouscollegestudent

Becoming independent from your parents is a big transition in life and it sounds like you are comfortable doing so, kudos! But having parents who are reluctant to let you be an independent as you need to be or want to be can feel downright smothering at times. That's where personal boundaries come in.

A lot times we think of personal boundaries as limits we set for the behavior we will tolerate from other people or for the things we will do with others; spending the day together with friends vs spending a weekend away with friends, for example. Boundaries with family members, especially parents, are really important as you start to carve you own path in life.

Having that conversation with your parents about what is important to you as an adult and what you need in your life, that is a necessary conversation to have because it lets you know how you want the situation to unfold. When you communicate your feelings to anyone, parents included, state the facts and try to avoid blaming. Use 'I feel' statements to get your point across (e.g., 'I feel like I cannot be myself when I am not allowed to do the things that make me happy.' or 'I don't feel like you hear how this is hurting me.').

It can feel rude or disobedient when you start to set those boundaries with others, and that is natural, because you are attempting to change a pattern that has been in place for a long time and it might feel like you are being selfish. That's not the case. It is important to consider the negative effect this has on you and your life, and how you want things to change. Talking to someone you trust, a friend, partner, or a therapist, can help manage your anxiety around the situation and prepare yourself for how you want to approach the subject with your parents.

@RoryBoutilierRPC

Thank you. I'll see if they're willing to have a conversation with me within the next few days, and if not I'm probably gonna force it anyway

I find it hard to forgive. I honestly try however I find hard to even forgive myself. I'd rather shame that forgive.

Hello Stacy and Rory,

Thank you for offering your time to help people on this thread! I hope that my question is brief.

Do you have any tips for an individual who "worries too much" about how to minimize this general behavior, in order to make clearer and more confident milestone decisions? Or do you think that it is more affective/practicable to address individual fears instead? (Treating all fears under one umbrella would be so much faster.)

I have read that whether a person worries a lot depends to some extent on the individual's temperament. But I hope it isn't set in stone. Worrying so much about big decisions is paralyzing.

Thanks in advance.

@SeaOfFireflies

Hi SeaOfFireflies,

This is a really important question. I think some people can be more prone to anxiety but I certainly think you can still find ways to manage it. When I work with people who are struggling with symptoms of anxiety we look at both the individual fears (if they are aware of them) in addition to the overall anxiety and how it affects you. I know it's easy to feel overwhelmed and frustrated when anxiety creeps in but with some work it can be managable. A lot of times it's more about learning to tolerate it than getting rid of it completely (sometimes anxiety can help with motivation etc.). Does that help?
Stacy

@StacyOvertonPhD

That most definitely helps. I hadn't thought about it as anxiety, since no physical symptoms have presented themselves. But I see what you are saying.

Looks like there's some work to do. Thank you!

@SeaOfFireflies

You've got this SeaofFireflies!

How can I deal with my adult daugther and her husband fighting?

They put me in the middle and it makes me physically sick. It's been going on for a long time and I'm losing weight ( and hair ) over it.

It causes me great anxiety and I cry a lot. Idk what to do. I need a way to handle it better I guess. Please help!

I've been to a therapist because my husband wont talk to me about it anymore. All she said to do was breathe.

I really don't think that is helping. I've been dealing with this off and on for seven years now.

@imaginativeNest9383

Hi imagineativeNest9383,

I can imagine how difficult this is for you as you likely just want them to quit fighting. It might be a matter of setting some really healthy boundaries and refusing to get caught up in it (I know! Easier said than done!). I would encourage you to think about how you can walk away when there is a fight and just try not to engage. It's hard to know because I don't know much about the relationships (yours or theirs) but you can make choices around what you engage in and what you walk away from.

Stacy

Hello, any tips on how to calm down faster and have more positive thoughts? I try meditating and exercising but it doesn't always help. Thank you

@Margot777

Hi Margot777,

This is a great question. I've found that meditation and mindfulnes can help with calming down but it does take a lot of practice. From my experience the more you practice the better you will get until it becomes sort of second nature. It's also helpful to combat negative thoughts with positive ones or to challenge them (is this true?). Again, this can seem really clunky when you first start trying it but it will get easier and easier!!

Stacy

Hi. I tend to shut down emotionally when I get too overwhelmed as a defensive mechanism so I wouldn't go into a full panic attack. But it takes me so long to get myself out of that state where I have numbed myself out. What is a better coping strategy when I get too overwhelmed? And how can I stop myself from spiralling into an emotionally numb state once I've started?

@Invisibility101

That's a very tricky question the brain numbs emotions as a form of protection and also I find petting or hugging something really soft and listening to music helps a lot

@Invisibility101

Instead of shutting down can you find a healthy way to deal with the issues at hand? Going numb is just a temporary state of mind and the issues will still be there after you come back from being numb. Maybe find small solutions to the things that are bothering you. Also, breathing can help or counting backwards from say 50 or 100 to 1. I can't always do 2 things at once so distraction can help sometimes, take a walk, read a book, clean up, pray even.

@Invisibility101

Hi Invisibility101! I think numbing out is a pretty common reaction to stress. When we feel overwhelmed or threatened then it's a pretty normal response. One thing to consider is talking to a counselor on an ongoing basis and also working with some meditation and mindfulness. First instinct are often to shut out difficult feelings instead of feeling them. They are usually there for a reason and learning to tolerate them can be key to reducing anxiety and panic.
Stacy

How do you cope with severe depression, which drives you to extremes, for instance, thinking a certain way everytime you cross a bridge, or think about how certain utensils could be used in the wrong harmful manner. I'm just wondering what one would do should the thoughts arrive at unexpected times.

@limegreenMelon4537

Honestly get a therapist and tell them this is happening be open and honest they are able to help and manage and teach you better how to eeal with it

@limegreenMelon4537

Hi LimegreenMelon4537,

It sounds like you are really struggling with a lot of different symptoms resulting from depression. Have you ever talked to someone about this ongoing (regularly?). Symptoms of depression are incredibly difficult but they can often be successfully treated with the right person to talk to.
Stacy

What do you do when multiple people (including his own sibling) point out that your husband treats you poorly? He has chronic health issues, admits to being codependent, but justifies his verbal abuse when I call him out. I don't feel emotionally safe sleeping next to him because he gets offended if I sleep better than him; then he will insult me in my sleep. He's not affectionate, but needs me physically close to him at all times. I'm already in therapy but it feels like I'm not doing enough. I'm torn between wanting to save our marriage and leaving to save my sanity.

Do you have any advice for someone struggling to manage their emotions? I am a very easy crier and its been worse than usual lately as I deal with a lot of stress and I've been processing a lot of trauma in my counseling sessions. I feel like people either take me less seriously or they assume that I am struggling more than I actually am. I know people have told me in the past that it's ok to cry and I truly believe that. But I feel like I am crying excessively and inappropriately. It's just plain embarrassing when I tear up at the beginning of conversations. If I start a conversation already feeling stressed and they ask how I've been, that's all it takes sometimes.

I would like to feel like I have some more control over my emotions but I honestly don't know where to start. Whenever I bring it up in counseling, I'm just told that "expressing emotion is not something that you should be ashamed of" or "that's an understandable reaction considering what you have gone through". I'm not looking to surpress, just for a little more control.

@SecretlyMe

Managing emotions can feel like it is a big task sometimes, especially if you feel your emotions are easily prompted, but there are some difference strategies you can do. It sounds like you have heard that emotions are normal and that they are not something to try and suppress, and it also sounds like you don't want to suppress them but just some more control over them.

Mindfulness strategies are a good starting point to manage your emotions because it can help you with regaining control when things start to get intense. There is also a great self-help guide here on 7 Cups called Help Managing Emotions.

Hello, thank you for doing this.
This might be a bit of a strange question, but how do I seek help when I know I have an issue but am not really the expressive type?

I've tried going to a psychiatrist before, but my thoughts and feelings were all over the place, I felt discouraged to go back because I couldn't really "talk", and couldn't help but feel that they didn't really get me.

And now, when I feel like I should give it another try, I just don't know where to start. I'm having a really hard time putting my thoughts into words. So any tips for this?