From Rock Bottom to Here: While I Breathe, I Hope

Life for me has been a series of challenges, hardships, waiting games, and setbacks. 

My upbringing was not easy or healthy; I was raised in an unstable environment with this undercurrent of fear and anxiety I didn’t even fully understand. I lived in this fear and anxiety well into my teenage years (when I needed support most, as I am sure many of you can relate to, now or in your past). That’s when everything finally broke down. I lost everything I did have and was displaced in the world.

I had to learn things the hard way. I had to basically learn how to live. There were times when I agonized, “how can I do this? Will I ever make it?”

I was at my lowest. I hit rock bottom, what felt to me like the lowest pit, in the darkest depths—sitting in the proverbial well looking up, seeing the light so far away. It seemed impossible to reach, to get out.  

But in the midst of this, something was flickering inside me, some indescribable impulse, some spark of yearning, something saying, “don’t give up.”

There’s a powerful scene in the Sandman series (Neil Gaiman) in which the King of Dreams challenges Lucifer Morningstar to a battle of wits to reacquire a stolen item from one of Lucifer’s minions. The battle requires each combatant to conjure up and embody an idea or entity that overwhelms the opponent in the cosmic stage; for example, when Dream says “I am a world” (meaning planet), Lucifer counters with “I am a nova, planet-killer.” This game of conversational one-upmanship also has physical consequences, as each exchange increasingly injures the combatants. In the last round, when Lucifer embodies “anti-life” (“the dark at the end of everything”) and Dream stands at the edge of defeat (and death), at what seems like the end, he says, “I am hope.”

“What is it that kills hope?” Dream asks; Lucifer accepts defeat.

Hope, in the context of our existence, is the belief that your life has purpose (spoiler alert: every one of us does). Hope is the assertion that life is worth living, even if you haven’t found that purpose yet.

There's a Latin phrase that I keep close to my heart in times of doubt: dum spiro, spero. "While I breathe, I hope." As long as we're alive (breathing), there's always reason for hope. 

Whether it’s a loved one who believes in you, faith in a higher power, or that little voice fighting for you, let these forces guide you.

You’ll hit hard times. Pull from that strength and trust that you are stronger than you think. Rarely does anything break that can’t be fixed. I’ve felt like I would break so many times throughout my life, that life itself would break me, but looking back I am more resilient for everything I’ve been through, and I did it hoping that I would one day be exactly where I am now—still here, wiser, and maybe even a little impressed with myself.

There will be darkness, disasters, war, and pain, and it will feel unbearable but it’s not the end. 

The beautiful thing about hope is it allows us to dream about the possibilities of a brighter future.

If you’re someone who’s been disappointed and disillusioned by being oversold on the idea of hope of a grand future, you’re not alone. Hope isn’t about waving a magic wand, or just sitting by and wishing. It’s in small steps, identifying and stacking up all the little wins (start with getting out of bed!), and finding things to be grateful for. It’s not glamorous like media might promise, and it shouldn’t be. Hope is something we do.

I am hopeful that no matter what you’re going through, you won’t give up.

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Let's reflect! If comfortable, please answer any of these that resonate with you.

💗 Have you faced similar experiences in your life?
💗 Is there anything you tell yourself or ways you cope with hardship?
💗 Thinking back on a particularly challenging time, what small step did you take that helped keep hope alive?