Distortion No 9. Should statements

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@Hope thank you, Hope!

I should call them about the writing job or connect with them about the cafe/bookshop collaboration. I must. And I ought to have done it by now and feel horrible and suffer if waiting caused this opportunity to pass by.

I could call or connect with them but I didn't because there have been bad things happening like abuse and assault and major grief and loss and mental illness that are requiring healing and my full attention. If someone can't understand that they don't matter.

This started probably in childhood, when I was around eleven years old. There was so much going on that I put my needs on the backburner permanently in order to ensure everyone else was doing okay. There was no time for me, even though I was being neglected, bullied and needed help and came home crying every day for a year.

I wish to be a success and prefer to share with and do things I'm passionate, skilled at and obsessed about. But I can't control everything

@communicativePond1728

“Never give from the depths of your well, but from your overflow.”

Rumi

@HealingTalk I swear Rumi has cornered the wise quotes market because that and every other one I hear from him is fire.

Thanks by the way.

That's deep AF 

@Hope

Thank you, Hope, for another wise, thought-provoking post promoting healthier ways of thinking and approaching life.

I read all your posts in this series, but most times I lack the energy to give a proper answer. I have some half-baked drafts for answers, I might finish some and answer previous posts.

But this time I will participate in the activity.

After thinking about your scenarios:

For the things I can control I prefer to think "I choose".

For things I can influence but can't control, I prefer to think "I'll do my best". Other people control the results, like passing an exam, getting a job or advancing a friendship or relationship. But whatever the result, I will always feel good about myself that I did my best.

For things totally out of control or any realistic possibility of influence, I think in terms of aspirations. "May reason and humanity prevail over hatred", "May people around the world stop suffering unbearable conditions". "May all find moments of peace and happiness". Aspirations like those. 

And I might try to find some way of doing something about it, like mitigating some of the suffering, in the world, even a little tiny bit, like volunteering in 7 Cups.

I do share routinely these view, particularly with friends who feel overwhelmed or under much pressure to achieve something.

@HealingTalk

Hi Healing! Good to see you here. I was not aware you are following this series. I think that is a helpful way of looking at the problem. 

You reminded me of the quote ' 'For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business.' by T.S Elliot

@Hope hey i wish somebody will tell me the thing you wrote in what you will tell to your friend.   

@considerateWalker6214

Hi Walker! I am glad you found the post helpful. We have a whole series that this post is a part of. You can view all the posts linked here. 

@considerateWalker6214 Okay, so here we go:

Walker's value (yours!) is not based upon what they can achieve. And even if they don't bring home the best grades some day, they are still a valuable human! You have done enough, you've been doing it for long enough, you can now be kinder to yourself. If you want to, you can choose to invest a lot into getting good grades, but if you don't succeed now and then, it's okay! Even with a low grade, you're still considerateWalker, and you're a valuable person.

@Hope i need this type of posts

@considerateWalker6214

I hope this was helpful! You can find the whole series linked here

@Hope I needed to hear this, i really really struggle with this. Thank you sooo much for this post.

I think i deal with self-directed shoulds the most. In fact, almost all the time. If I'd have to make a list of all my shoulds, the list would never end.

I love how you say that should statement aren't always bad, sometimes i think they can help us realise where we can improve, but too much of everything is bad haha! I think too many i should thoughts makes us too harsh on ourselves.

"Likely, reading this post has already brought to your attention your more prominent should thoughts." Hahaha, reading this post has brought to my attention thousands of my should throughts.

I tried this exercise with a few out of my millions of should thoughts. I think it helps a little bit, especially the what will you tell a friend step. (I might not have friends, so I've had to imagine, but still.)

But countering my i should thoughts is still really hard. Usually, i feel like i am okay if others dont do something (so i can easily think of what to tell someone else who is imposing such rules on themselves) but i feel like i still should to do that thing and i struggle to tell myself what i would tell someone else. I'm trying, and this exercise is nice, but it's still really hard for me so stop thinking of the million things i should do.

@exuberantBlackberry9105

Glad that the post was helpful! Yes I agree, the key is to be moderate in our thinking. 

It is okay to think of someone else you care about, even if you are not a friend. The key for this part of the exercise is to engage with the struggle from an empathetic perspective rather than a critical one. 

As you struggle with many such statements, it is okay to pick 1-2 that are not very overwhelming and work your way up. You don't have to start with the loudest/powerful shoulds, just start somewhere small and help your brain understand there is another way!

@Hope simple advice:

"Don't should on yourself"

I should be at school every day, I need to be normal.

I will likely be more gentle to myself and understanding that I’m trying my best.

People judge me when I’m not at school assuming bad of me.

I wish I could be at school everyday because it makes me feel normal. I think I just want to be understood for who I am and treated like others and not as less than.

Healing isn’t linear and some days will be easier than others. It’s ok to miss a day and come back stronger tomorrow. You are respected and valued for who you are, and people still love you of your best isn’t perfect.

@etherealize

@Hope

I should loose weight and look thin like the other girls. 

As long as I am healthy and my weight is not affecting my health then it doesn’t matter how much I weight.

This should statement started when my mother started fat shaming me and when I visited my extended family last to last year, they too told me to loose weight.

I wish I was thinner but not overly obsess over being thin and I want to learn to start accepting my body because all sizes are beautiful.

People who are truly interested in you will see you for what you are not your looks or the way you talk. You can start exercising to loose weight in a healthy way and not to push yourself too much.

@tidyHickory3283

Thank you for reflecting with us! Weight changes is a very common but distressing should we impose on ourselves. 

I agree that health should be the priority. I am sorry that your mother fat shammed you, that must have been distressing. It is good that you acknowledge your wishes but also understand that they may not be entirely health. 

What a beautiful reassurance you gave to yourself at the end! I think you are on the right path. 

@Hope

Ik! The standards in today’s world are very harsh on us which leads to weight being the most common and harshest one because it can lead to some serious consequences.

It’s really distressing :’) There is a party on Saturday and the dress that I was going to wear, I thought I looked pretty but she said that I look ugly and fat and now I can’t see myself in that dress without thinking of how fat I look. Yeah the only thing I am happy about atm is that I am able to differentiate between the right and wrong for my body.

Thank you! I am super happy that you think so.