Distortion No. 4: Personalization
Hi everyone! I hope you are well. Thank you for participating in our cognitive distortion series. You can check out all the previous posts in this series here.
Today we will be talking about a very important cognitive distortion. I believe reframing this type of thinking can greatly improve the quality of your life. It is ‘personalization’. Personalization is one of the cognitive distortions where you believe that things are connected to you even though you have nothing to do with them. Another way people fall prey to personalization is when they believe they are responsible for things outside of their control.
Examples of personalization and in the brackets are what usually is the reality:
- My friend did not pair with me for this project, he does not value me. (In reality the teacher asked the friend to pair up with X person to ensure X person is well supported)
- I was 15 minutes late to class. My professor must think I am so tardy (so is half the class, the professor realized the traffic must be bad.)
- My partner broke up with me because I am not a good enough person to stay in a long distance relationship with (Your partner broke up because she was moving away and did not wish to do long distance, which had nothing to do with your worth)
- If I had only reminded my sister to carry her sweater to her practice, she would not have caught this cold (There is no guarantee the lack of a sweater caused the cold, nor are you responsible for preventing it)
- My boss has been so reserved and quiet all day. It must be that I could not submit my report on time (Your boss is sick and does not have the energy to communicate more than needed, your boss does not even remember the report delay)
The key thing in this cognitive distortion is taking things personally. It's important to understand that a sense of responsibility/accountability in life is important. It helps you lead a fulfilling life. However, to be able to take responsibility and be accountable for what is truly your responsibility, you need to learn what is related to you and what is not. Here are some areas/examples where it is reasonable to feel accountable/responsible:
- How you process your emotions/feelings (Getting angry is not up to you but how you process your anger is up to you)
- To arrive on time for a meeting (even if the other person is late, you are only responsible for your time management)
- To leave with a reasonable time gap for something important (Even if you meet unexpected traffic and end up getting late, so what? Happens to all of us)
You taking responsibility for your actions does not save you from unexpected detours in your ideal plan. Take them as an expected and consistent part of life and these should not deter you from doing the right thing!
The reason why this post has also explained what responsibility/accountability can look like is so people don’t confuse a lack of accountability as correcting personalization. So we need to separate what is not our problem (in simple terms) so that we can have the energy to deal with the very many problems that are our responsibility.
We will use the same technique for practice as before. The reason for the same technique is so we can get very used to thinking this way when we are faced with unhelpful thoughts.
📢Points of Action:
- Find out your personal hit rate (how accurate your negative assumptions are), don’t just assume, look into your past and get an accurate percentage. (You can skip this if you recall this from our last post)
- Counter your stressful thoughts with positive thoughts based on logic/facts/experience.
⭐After practicing this with at least one thought. Tell us about your experience with this exercise.
⭐ How often do you engage in personalization and how does it impact your life?
Further Reading/Resources
Video explanation of the distortion
Responsibility Pie worksheet (Highly recommended)
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@Hope
hey this is my personalization thoughts n then the real thing
Personalization = in maths i hate asking for help more than 1s incase the teacher thinks im being stupid or annoying.
Reality = i just need things explaned a it differently sometimes n the teacher would probly rather help me again than me get evrything wrong
I wonder if this is the same thing that shows up in schizophrenia just on a more disturbing level.
Leaves a comment on someone's social media page - something they say in the future must be because they have that comment in mind.
In reality what they say may have nothing to do with the comment. Maybe they didn't see the comment maybe they were responding to something else going on internally for them, etc.
What do you think @hope, the same thing or something different?
@Sasher
Thank you for participating. The example you gave is one of personalization but I don't know enough about schizophrenia to answer your question.
@Hope thanks. It seems like this symptoms being left unmanaged in someone suffering from schizophrenia can become more problematic than usually.
I do wonder what creates these distortions. A lack of being loved in healthy way, perhaps.
@Sasher
I think your hypothesis makes a lot of sense. With personalization, if someone had an upbringing where they were blamed for everything, they may internalize it and start to believe it. The distortions are often a result of our need to survive. But these need to be reframed as our circumstances change and we gain access to other coping mechanisms.
@Hope
this one actually happened yesterday and I caught myself and I was able to fix it (:
personalization: My boyfriend is physically sick because he's stressed. It's my fault because the day before I was having a meltdown and we talked through it. I'm too much for him to handle. I shouldn't have a boyfriend. (he's only gotten sick since we met)
Truth: My boyfriend is physically sick because he's stressed. Yes, having a new girlfriend might be a part of it, but he just moved and his parents are in the middle of a messy divorce. He might be worried about me, but it does not mean I cause him enough stress to be sick.
I hope this made sense ❤️
@Hope
I try it every time, but the thought/knowledge/cognition is powerless against the emotional storm. It even makes it worse, because then I wonder why I just cannot trust, and I get angry with myself, for thinking badly about others. It happens frequently, when I feel rejected or abandoned.
@cloudySummer
I can see that this is challenging for you. Sometimes we need expert help when we are not able to manage something ourselves. Do you have access to such resources?
@Hope No. It's okay. I guess I made it sound worse than it is. I was very tired yesterday, still am.
@cloudySummer
Some days are tiring, such is life. Your emotions are valid nevertheless. I think you may benefit from reducing your exposure to triggers first so you have to manage less uncomfortable emotions. Though it is not always possible but sometimes it can help to just have less to deal with.
@Hope Heh, the only way to reduce those even more would be to move onto a lonely mountain top with no internet access. I'm already very close to that, lol.
@Hope
I get blamed often at home for things that are not my fault, or that I have no control over. This used to cause me to believe that most things were somehow my fault.
I had to change this stinking thinking! I realized that I do not have to take the blame for everything and/or feel things are always my fault.
Reciently, I began to consider each situation very logically, determining if it was or was not my fault or in my control. I realized that did NOT have to get into an argument or a huge fight trying to prove or convince others that I was not at fault.
I have had to choose to stop, consider, and recognize the difference between the situations that are my responsibility and the ones that are not. I have been learning to be ok with not responding in to the false accusations. This is very hard! I think with my family it is what is called, "gaslighting," and may or may not be intentional.
Once I learned that this is going on, it changed my understanding of each situation, and my ability to choose not to respond or accept blame all the time. I work hard not to get caught up in this vicious cycle. By my ignoring the blame bait, things end before they can go any further. It has been hard to relearn NOT to react or respond!
Yes, there are times when I make mistakes and/or am at fault. Nobody is perfect! At these times I am learning to calmly take responsibility for my actions and/or behaviors without excuses or an argument. It's not my problem regarding how well or badly the other person presents their issue with me. I do not need to become defensive. At the same time, I am working on changing the areas in my behavior and life that need improvement. It is a work in progress and a continual life journey!
@4Jasmine
All that blaming can definitely create some faults in our thinking. Love the term 'stinking thinking' how creative!
I think that is a great way of approaching the situation, you don't have to have an opinion about all things in life.
I agree, all of this is hard work! It seems like you have a really deep understanding of your situation and have figured ways to manage in your circumstances. Your comment reminded me of this principle of 'Not picking up the rope'. A quick search brought me across this article that dives into it further. You may benefit from it.
Absolutely, all you can do is try!
Personalization effects my life quite often an example is
i tell myself “man im missing so much school, im going to be so behind after missing a day, there is no way ill pass this class
but in reality i really can’t control when im sick or have appointments and i can always ask teachers for resources and get extra help when i need to
I think its really important for people to recognize you arent alone, everyone has these thoughts of worry and its okay to be hard on yourself when necessary
@Emmathegreat768
Hi Emma! Thank you for participating. What you have described is defintely a cognitive distortion but perhaps more suited as an example of catastrophization (assuming the worst outcome will happen).
You can participate in that post here! I believe you are on the right path with your counter thought.
@Hope This is an amazing post, thank you so much, Hope.
This exercise is something I really need to try, but it's really hard for me to do. I take things personally almost all the time. I keep feeling guilty for everything. Part of the reason for this could be the way I am growing up being blamed for nearly everything.
I can't really think of any recent instances where I took things personally but the matter wasn't actually personal. But I hope it's okay to share some things I am taking personally right now, that I can't find counter thoughts for.
The classmate I sit next to has been changing her place without the teacher's permission lately to sit with her friend. We aren't allowed to change places like that but she still does. I kinda take that personally. Maybe I'm too boring and dull to sit beside? I'm having some serious trouble finding a counter thought for this.
We were told to form groups for a group activity in school yesterday, and the classmates who normally take me in refused to take me, and so I had to go with some others I don't want to work with. Maybe they didn't take me because I'm not "cool" and outgoing. Any counter thoughts you can think of?
My mother blames me for her miserable life. I know that her life isn't my fault but I still can't help but feel guilty. Maybe it's because of me that she can't have a job or get a divorce? I can't think of any counter thoughts.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
It can be hard to challenge our ways of thinking especially when we first start out and I can see how your upbringing plays a role in this.
The classmate example is a good one. To me it seems like your counter thought is hidden inside your statement. The person they are switching to is their friend. Them being close to another person does not take anything away from you. It is very likely that all this has to do with their own comfort level and they likely have not considered how this will impact you.
The second scenario, it is hard to say as there can be any number of reasons. You can even approach them in a gentle manner and seek to understand the reasoning if this has you curious and know its perfectly okay if you are not suited for that group. Not everyone fits in everywhere, even the best pair of suit does not fit every human being.
Blame is easy, its much easier than taking responsibility. Sometimes we are frustrated in our abilities and its easier to blame someone else than realize we have to take action ourselves. I can imagine how challenging this must be for you. This particular challenge is more so related to feelings rather than thoughts as its not your own thoughts you are trying to re-wire. A recommendation would be to connect to a therapist but I understand that may not be an option in which case it can be helpful to explore this further with a listener.
@Hope That's a nice counter thought. But people usually change places if they have some kinda problem with the person they are supposed to sit next to. So that counter thought, though it's a thoughtful one, it doesn't fully convince me that it's not my fault.
There certainly could be a lot of reasons in the second scenario. But no, I wouldn't want to ask them about it. I'd rather not talk to them at all unless necessary. What makes me feel more hurt is that one of the group members used to be my so-called friend. While it's been a while since we've been drifting apart, she would still take me in for group activities. But this time she did absolutely nothing to take me in and was totally unconcerned to see me being left out.
Well said, Hope. Blaming is a lot easier than taking responsibility. And when adults blame us teens, there's pretty much nothing we can do. You guessed it right, Hope, professional help is not an option. Talking to a listener certainly is, but finding someone to talk about these messy things is hard.
@Hope
Thanks
@Hope
I guess assuming that someone is not engaging with me or is excusing themselves because I am boring or unlikeable
In reality they might be busy or preoccupied with things in their personal life