The River
We are going down the river of life in our kayak. At the start, it may feel unnatural or a little clumsy. Maybe we lose our paddle or get stuck on rocks, but with more experience we gradually learn to read the water.
With a little more experience we can begin to feel the current pulling us. Sometimes we might not want to follow the current. Instead, we might have our eye on a beautiful spot across the water on the side of a river bank. Many of us will work really hard to cross the river to get to that spot. It will require a lot of extra paddling because we are going against the current.
One sad, but instructive experience happens when you finally make it to that hoped for spot and realize it is not as good as you had imagined. You were sure it was going to be beautiful, but somehow it fell short of that beauty. This is frustrating because it took so much energy to get there.
Some of us are stubborn, slow to learn, or both, and we have to make this same mistake many, many, many times.
Eventually, however, we too learn how to read the water and follow the current. Sometimes the current leads us right past the spots we wanted to go and then surprises us around the bend with a far better spot. These are great situations. Oddly, even though we shouldn't, we often give ourselves credit for finding the new spot, when most of the credit should go to the current. Still, these are great times and should be deeply enjoyed because they do not happen all the time.
Other times the current can lead us down more treacherous waters with rocks, eddies, and sticks that can be tough to navigate. Sometimes we lose a paddle, flip the kayak and get wet. In particularly tough times, we may even get injured. We don’t usually take “credit” for our role in these situations and instead happily blame the current.
Why do these more challenging times happen?
I believe they happen so that we can learn. Nobody wants to feel the anxiety, difficulties, and sometimes pain that happens during these times, but these are indeed the times that teach us the most skill. We don’t learn to become master kayakers when the river is smooth. We learn how to be master kayakers on the rapids. Adversity challenges us to overcome.
So, what is the right approach?
The approach is one that goes against our natural impulses. It can sometimes feel like it goes against everything that is within us, especially when it is painful and not what we had hoped for. The stoics were master kayakers and they have a statement, “the problem is the path.” They encourage us to steer into the challenges and to trust the current. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) encourages us to see the challenge as an opportunity to learn to solve a problem that we’ve been ignoring. These are wise words.
Abraham Maslow, another master kayaker, tells us to go further. He instructs us to see the challenges as a gift, to embrace them like we would a friend, to listen deeply and carefully to what they are telling us, to listen to their whispers. He encourages us to see the challenges as ends in and of themselves; and warns us not to look past them as a means to an end. He wants us to see and appreciate them for what they are – independent, difficult, and beautiful experiences.
The river of life brings us smooth, deep, and troubled waters. Thankfully we do not paddle alone. We find other kayakers on the water that also teach us lessons. Most of the lessons come down to following the current rather than insisting on our own plans. This key lesson is a lifetime lesson.
Reflection question: We have all gone through challenging times, or rough rapids, and overcome them in the past. What would you tell a friend going through difficult waters now?
I’m thankful that I have found all of you on the river. Thank you for paddling alongside me 🙏✨❤️.
This is very well laid out, @GlenM
Throughout many cultures in the world, we often hear that smooth sailing through life is not as fulfilling compared to someone who had struggled in the rapids. The first instincts of many people is to shy away from challenges; afraid to take the risk, afraid that they can't handle the uncertain, and afraid that their hopes will be shattered. At the same time, we often overthink the situation, and we really won't know the outcome until after tackling it. Even if the results aren't what we had imagined, the process and the effort we placed into making it work, is what teaches us how we could better handle the situation when it comes around a second, third...etc, time.
If someone's life had no currents, rapids, or large boulders, when that person suddenly takes a wrong route and sees a waterfall ahead, not being able to turn around because of the strong currents pushing them towards the waterfall. That person would not know any survival skills to make it through.
So, when we are riding in a rapid, embrace yourself and learn to maneuver your way out to safety. Ask for help from others around you or use resources that are available. Once you've safely got yourself out of danger, you'll realize that it was worth it. The lessons you've learned during the challenge, will be with you forever and if you encounter a similar challenge in the future, you will know how to handle it. With each new challenge, you will add new and improved skills to achieve it. Just keep paddling, with or without the paddle, as long as you're moving along the river and embracing each rapid that comes your way, you will only become a stronger person in the end.
@Jaeteuk very insightful! love the emphasis on the learnings the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time around; and the emphasis on how learning in small ways keeps us from the more dangerous challenges in life (being antifragile) so we can avoid the waterfalls. And, yes, we just have to keep paddling with or without the paddle. Thank you for sharing ✨
@GlenM
I would say ; " heey dear, stop looking at your smart phone watching netflix, we are in a rough current right now, heey watch out, please at least take of your headphones listen to the river heey" 😄
@GlenM
Apart form what I said above, probably I would say that ; " Whooever has designed all this beautiful river,the current, the wise interaction and compassionate attraction between those sub-atomic particles and between all the people and things you love, Such a wise and compassionate designer couldnot have produced this scenario to make you miserable, no teacher tests the student to humiliate them, no doctor prescribes a non-tasty medicine to hurt the patient...
There are many different roles in a movie, but after the set is done, all actors get their pay.
Without darkness , we cannot comprehent the beauty of light, without different colours, there is no rainbow of emotions.
If you got hurt in a dream, it doesn't bleed after you wake up. The reflection of a snake in a mirror does not bite.
When all rivers finalize their fall into the same ocean, then you can just enjoy the ride."
❤️
@GlenM
What would I tell that friend? I would tell that friend to lean in because I'm in the kayak with them for the ride through the difficult waters. We'll get through it together. It's difficult sometimes, gut wrenchingly difficult, and leaning in goes against our natures. It's the most difficult thing to do sometimes. Our hearts hurt. But we move on, we continue anyway, because sometimes that's all there is that we may know for sure, the next breath, and the next and the next.
Thank you for sharing your wonderful story with me. I appreciate it.
Kindly, Pat
@GlenM
if i were to speak with a friend going through difficult waters, or difficult times, i would encourage them to think about the past and learn from the past. i would then tell my friend that no one is perfect and everyone goes through certain stages and paths in their lives that challenge them and their faith.
ultimately, i would tell a friend who is going through difficult waters to be mindful of the present and practice coping skills, and to believe that time passes and with the right attitude, any problem can be changed into success!
> Why do these more challenging times happen?
> I believe they happen so that we can learn.I don't think there is a deeper purpose to it. But we can learn from them nonetheless. Or not. Whatever we choose to do.
@GlenM What I did not understand was that automatic assumption that the thing we strive for is no good. Why that? It isn't like that in life all the time. Sometimes we work, and it is good.
We can even change the current, in parts. Sometimes that may make it easier for those who come after us. I really dislike this complete surrender that is in the picture you describe.
Seems the strike through did not work... I striked(?) the 'so that we can learn'.
It makes us look as if we're just reactive agents, completely passive. Not something I'd ever want to be.
@cloudySummer hey there! responding to this one instead of the other 2 above. I don't think there needs to be purpose in everything, but, as you point out, people can find purpose. And that purpose or meaning can often be very powerful when we are going through a tough time.
The analogy is definitely limited. @hope actually brought up a similar point in my PMs. It isn't that striving or trying is bad. We often have to strive or try to overcome the challenges we face when we are in the rapids or going through a tough time. It takes conscious focus and deliberate decision making for sure! What I'm trying to differentiate here is trusting how live unfolds vs. trying for how we want it to unfold and grasping onto what we want when a) it might not work out; and b) it might not be good for us.
For example, we might really want a big, fancy, house because it makes us feel good. We might even take out a big loan that we can't afford to get the house. That would be an example of forcing things (trying to get to the other side of the river outside of the current), whereas having a more humble home is more natural and less ego driven. Hope this differentiation helps!
@GlenM
To listen to my story below, click this Google-Translate link and go to the bottom of the page that opens and click the speaker icon button to "play" the translation. You can also change the translation language if necessary. You will hear spoken all of the text below.
Hi. I've paddled white water for many years and it really taught me a lot about life.
I could tell many many life stories from all my experiences on many river trips all up and down the East and also Canada.
Paddling big or very technical white water can be very scary and challenging.
Especially when you first start learning.
I was fortunate enough to bump into someone willing to show me the moves to get me started quickly.
Having an experienced mentor helps you make progress and have fun too rather than be mostly struggling.
It's sort of like being a 7Cups newbie Listener and having a really good Listener-Mentor. Or like being a 7Cups Member and having a really good long-term Listener.
But like paddling, when Listening, you're on your own mostly and you just have to go with the current in both cases.
You can read all about paddling techniques or listening techniques, but doing it in real life is how you really learn and get true skill.
So I learned the paddling moves one-by-one. I copied my teacher's moves and that really helped. Monkey-see, monkey-do is easy when copying someone who knows what they are doing.
But then it came time for river trips. That was scary because you're on your own for stretches even though following someone.
Facing the unknown makes you want to really study a river map in-advance so you know how to navigate the most technical parts. Once you're going, you can't always stop. So you have to have strategies for different precarious situations prepared in-advance.
Now for a specific paddling river trip story.
My biggest lesson learned was when I didn't have someone experienced to follow on a river trip.
I learned the hard way that my judgement was not very good when I should have known better. I was too casual about the situation and let my guard down.
I had paddled around a waterfalls that was on one side and then I paddled up-stream just below the falls. But little did I know that just under the water was a rectangular shaped boulder. And the water was surging against the boulder but it was impossible to see that. It just looked like white water moving.
That's what it can be like when Listening to Member too. You can't assume you know the Member's full situation. You can't let your guard down. You always have to be careful. You never know what is churning inside the Member's mind.
My kayak suddenly got pinned against the flat submerged boulder. The circular current was really churning. And the kayak was totally pinned, almost fully submerged, in the middle of the river just below the falls.
Fortunately the kayak didn't flip with me in it. Instead I was able to carefully wiggle out of the pinned kayak and stand up on the adjacent submerged rectangular boulder.
Like Listening to a Member in a suddenly tricky conversation, if you keep your cool, you can wiggle your way through the hard parts.
Soon after, a raft with a really kind tour guide stopped by and "rescued" me by letting me get on the raft too so I could get down stream to my car miles down river.
I knew I would have to get my pinned kayak much later after the river dam-controlled water-release was over. Then the kayak would just float free. But that would be many hours later.
So I was allowed to paddle with the tour-guide at the back of his raft. Us both were expert paddlers, and we guided his raft that was filled with his clients in front of us who were also paddling as novices.
We both guided the raft precisely through treacherous passage-ways with ease. The team work was really enjoyable.
At the end of the river trip, all of the customers one-by-one leaned over the edge of the raft so they could each slide into the water and take a nice cool float along side the raft on that hot summer day.
Then after a while, the floating customers pulled themselves back in the raft one-by-one with a little help from us still onboard.
To my surprise, when we got to the pick-up point where the vehicles were parked, our raft headed toward the shore that was lined with wheelchairs for the rafters I was with.
I learned so many things on that river trip. I realized I and others could do so much in many tricky situations especially when we all worked as a team and helped each other. It really felt good being part of a team with the same objective.
Also I learned that people are willing to help you when you get stuck and you can fit-in quickly when others want to get-along and have fun too.
@7motivation Your story reflects some real truths about life, our expectations, human compassion and the surprises that can happen when we take action and try to reach goals. You had a mentor and you learned to kayak rivers pretty darn well. But later you learned even more through a (lucky) escape necessitated by your assumptions and a new experience. Whew! First, who hasn't had a lucky escape from one of their own serious mistakes - driving a car comes to mind. And then too, luck was only part of it - other people helped and you used your knowledge to guide you; you knew better than to stay pinned and try to muscle through. Finally it's so gratifying to be able to give back to someone who's also helped you, but even more you realized you had become part of a wider human community of people helping others and being willing to be helped. Honestly, both take courage of a sort.
Such an experience is so exquisitely human, but only available to us if we at least try to get out there. When we try to "cross the river" as Glen put it, we might not have the outcome we expect, and we might even have moments of real fear. We also might be surprised by an outcome that surpasses any we could anticipate. What a lovely experience.
@quietGrapes7841
Wow! You have very good "reflection" skills and writing skills too. After reading what you just said, I feel like you really understand my experiences. Thank you very much!
@7motivation what a great story and illustration of what you have learned! Maps and mentors - so needed for the journey! And serendipity helps too :). Glad that tour guide found you and you made good friends. Thank you for illustrating your points!
@GlenM
Thank you for listening to my story.
@7motivation thanks for sharing. That was beautiful and really inspiring.
@kindSoul10
Thank you for listening to my story. As you can imagine, that river trip was a very moving experience for me in many ways.
We have all gone through challenging times, or rough rapids, and overcome them in the past. What would you tell a friend going through difficult waters now?
A higher ideal helps us steer our ship! The higher ideal could be a cause for humanity, it could be caring for someone you love, or it could be exploring and expressing your natural talents and achieving all you want to through them. Sometimes we do not have a clear picture of our higher ideal -of what matters the most to us.
It helps to remember that each one of us does have some natural tendencies, some set of likes and dislikes. Read yourself over time by being a kind and understanding friend to yourself, and as you recognise what you really want, compassionately accompany yourself towards your goals.
Finally, whatever you do, do it for your inner peace and satisfaction. If you do it for any other reason, the spots you would lead yourself to would not be the beautiful spots that you imagined and hoped for yourself.
@GlenM wow glen I liked how you described it :) the rocks as obstacles and how the current can drive us to different situations. glad I could be a part of this writing also :p (just kidding)
@GlenM out of respect for peoples personal beliefs I'm going to use what you said Glenn if that's OK?