Rant - Listeners giving advice and toxic positivity
So, first off. Thankyou to everyone who volunteers their time here, I know how difficult a job it is and absolute appreciation for all you amazing people helping other humans out. Sometimes a good listener can seriously get you out if a bad headspace or make your day a whole lot better!
Now we come to the rant part.
So with most people here, either they are genuine listeners or people bored and just messing around. You learn how to filter those out pretty quickly.
However there is a subset of listeners who are actually interested in helping you, and mean well, but go about it the wrong way. Personally, that can often trigger me and make things worse for me and I'm sure it may be like that for some others as well.
I understand now why the site policy says "Don't give advice"
While I don't agree with the whole robotic scripted answers and appreciate the listener bringing in their own experiences and trying to relate and make it as real a conversation as possible, for someone dealing with a clinically diagnosed mental illness, I really don't want to be told how to fix it. Thats what my doctor/therapist is for. I don't want to be told "A lot if people have it worse and so you should be grateful" or "You just need a positive mindset", and there are several other tips, or my favourite, XYZ self help book suggestions, which are not at all targetted towards people dealing with mental illness (but thats a completely different rant)
I realize that not everyone may agree with my opinion. I don't want them to. Just respect the site rules, please let me talk about how sad and tired I am without trying to tell me how to fix it, and don't make assumptions that i might just be unmotivated or not doing the right things, without knowing me or my life.
Rant over, thankyou, bye!
@starlightinajar
i agree with you about the fixing mindset some people have here, they mostly mean well and want to make us feel instantly better but it does work opposite xD because it feels invalidating and for someone already in a fragile state of mind... or finding it hard to reach for help ... it works as "oh ok I should just not think about it and be happy because yeah other people deserve more support than me and I'm being over dramatic" and causes guilt D:
"it is okay to feel sad and talk about it" works much more than "but you have something that brings you happiness right? What is that? Do that😊" like bruh? Sure! thanks
@starlightinajar I agree with you. 7 Cups has listeners whose approach to listening can make things worse for members.
However, I do not see where the site policy says "Don't give advice". Can you provide a link?
In the forum guidelines I do see, "Giving medical advice is not permitted." This makes it seem like advice is OK as long as it is not medical.
Listeners' initial training does say, "Never give advice, as this can be harmful." But there is other training that weakens this by encouraging listeners to adopt a "fix it" approach. For example, the Quality Listening Program (QLP) aims to "develop a more proactive listening approach by working with the members to create and implement support plans.."
I think this more proactive approach tends to place some responsibility for the member's recovery upon the listener, and listeners are very likely to respond inappropriately by trying to come up with quick fixes for complex issues. Suggesting sources of self help is also encouraged by the QLP. I hope that, as part of the review of listener training that I think is taking place (if I remember right), the QLP will be dropped and we will see stronger safeguards against the "fix it" approach, and toxic positivity too.
Charlie
Hello, @RarelyCharlie :)
If you go to the "Training" tab on the blue banner at the top of your screen, and then click "Training" again on the yellow banner, there will be a list of "courses". The very first one is called "Active Listening". I'll provide a screenshot of the lesson that explains 7Cups's policy on advice. Feel free to look at that course lesson plan yourself, if you'd like! I hope this helps.
@CamLavvy02 Yes, that's exactly the same place in listeners' initial training that I already mentioned 😉
But the information on that page is not site policy, because only listeners can see it. I was wondering what page @starlightinajar (a member) was referring to.
Charlie
@RarelyCharlie, Ah! I see. Sometimes I read posts too fast and I get ahead of myself. And I did realize that it is not site policy. So sorry about the miscommunication! I am still a little new here, so thank you for correcting me, I appreciate it very much. 💟
Hi, no its not part of the official site policy, as happens with rants, I misspoke, I was referring to the part of listener training that emphasises on not giving advice.
Secondly I do agree, some safeguards are needed. I'm not sure if the QLP is contributing to it, I'm sure the listener community understand it better and it would be awesome if they could work on it, if this is an issue not just for me but for other people as well.
I think the simplest approach would be to ask the member themselves, "Would you like help figuring out a practical solution to the problems you are facing or alternatively, we can just talk about whatever is bothering you for now and leave the solutions for later" Instead of directly jumping to the advice giving portion.
I feel like so many listeners are coming from a good place, of wanting to help, but it can be confusing because the natural instinct is to give advice /solutions whereas the purpose is to give a safe place to vent out emotions which is harder to do in real life for the very same reason, people offering quick fixes.
@starlightinajar
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I completely understand the importance of not giving advice and I thank you for bringing this to all of the listeners' attention.
@starlightinajar, thank you so much for shedding light on this topic. As a newer listener this kind of feedback is very important to me. I hope your day goes well, and take good care! 💟
I wish the positive mindset thing worked
@starlightinajar
Great points! Listeners are taking on "dysfunctional roles" in "The Drama Triangle" (as described by some psychologists).
It would help if Listeners understood it.
So I made a growth path step that covers it here:
https://www.7cups.com/path/exercise/the-drama-triangle-1675267874/
The link above has a really great video.
It completely changed how I view situations as a Listener.
It showed me how to take on "supportive roles".
And how to spot -- and avoid -- dysfunctional roles.