Any bad member experiences?

Hi @peacefulLove7659

I'm sorry to hear about this bad experience. It also happened to me many times and it t is important to remember that everyone has the right to a respectful and safe environment, and any form of rudeness or harassment should not be tolerated!

You have the right to take action to protect yourself, this may include blocking the individual, reporting the behavior, and seeking help from the support room for listeners.

It is also important to take care of yourself after experiencing impolite behavior. The support room for listeners is a great resource for receiving advice and support during and after the chat. It is important to talk to someone and process your feelings, rather than internalizing them.

And it is always a good idea to take a break if you feel overwhelmed, and come back later when you feel more comfortable. Remember, your well-being and safety are the most important things. It is important to speak out and seek help if you ever feel uncomfortable or unsafe in a chat <3

@peacefulLove7659 So sorry to hear that.

I am a retired listener here at 7cups.

It does happen.

Setting good boundaries, before the chat is helpful.

I would suggest that you, get yourself a mentor or a listener coach, as they can help you.

Also, I would visit the Listener Support Room, from time to time.

I would also reach out, to Chat support,if needed, they can help during a chat.

If you need support after a chat, then reach out to peer support, if you need that, they can help after a chat.

Also, get in the habit of taking self-care breaks, as well.

I hope this helps.

I wish you the best, on your listener career here, at 7cups.

@peacefulLove7659 You'll get the occasional person that tries to tear you down, I've learned to chalk it up to being used as the vehicle of their projections and contempt. It does hurt though, I understand what you mean.

Ooo Absolutely. Not everyone is likeable.

@peacefulLove7659 ive def experienced this even this week! i think i need to get out of my head and realize their view is only one perspective and they dont know me as a person so their hurtful comments are more of a judgement of them and not myself. also good to talk it out a little

@peacefulLove7659 This happens to me quite literally every time I am actively accepting requests (and sometimes even when I'm not), oftentimes because people have searched for a keyword or whatever that shows up in my profile. Admittedly, I probably get far more rude people than most would. Having sexual orientation and identity, LGBTQ+, as well as sexual health topics listed as support options with me, this seems to be where the bulk of them come from.

Unfortunately, the site attracts people at any number of different mental stages and in emotionally volatile states, so I would say that a listener should expect that a decent number of requests will come from rude, abusive, manipulative/insulting, or sexually charged members... Especially because the app is listed as a search result for things like "digital friendship" and such.

When I was much newer on the site, I had a few issues and didn't have the best game plan so to speak. I've been around for a very long time, since even before the date on my profile! (kind of a long story) I've focused almost exclusively on 1-on-1 chats... but in the beginning, I didn't make a lot of effort to do things like set boundaries and take my support offer categories seriously. I thought it was best to be widely open to whatever people wanted to talk about, but have learned otherwise over time... particularly with clearly communicating and expressing boundaries, and ultimately not being afraid to hold members accountable.

So you asked, what do we do?

Personally, if I have a particularly rude interaction, I do a couple of things.

1. Make sure to express the disrespect/discomfort/boundary violation/terms of service or use violation in question.
2. Repeat myself in the event that they are not registering.
3. Inform the member that due to this situation and their continued behavior, I will be terminating the chat.
4. TAKE SCREENSHOTS of the violating behavior ASAP, as the chat will disappear if/when they block or report you as a listener
^this is to cover your butt. I learned through experience that the member who is upset can fairly easily create multiple accounts and mass report you from them, leading to disciplinary actions or account ban. Screenshots are one of the only ways to argue your case if it happens.
^^^to be clear though, I only capture screenshots in the event that there is violative behavior, as it would be otherwise completely inappropriate.
5. If they continue beyond that, I will block and give a detailed reason as to why.

What I can recommend in addition to these reactive steps is to take the time to put preventative measures in place. Depending on what all you are looking to do here, this might look differently for you than it does for me... But I typically recommend to new listeners to either have a default greeting that you use in every chat to help express your boundaries, or you can get super serious like my profile page and give very specific details ;)

Sometimes people will confront me about my profile length, but if you read it, you'll quickly be aware of the fact that I've opted to utilize a specific style and support offer as a listener on here, and I communicate it accordingly.

Every chat request I receive, if accepted, comes with a greeting in which I say "Can you please confirm for me that you've reviewed my entire profile, and then provide your responses accordingly?" which I state because it is detailed, specifically states the topics I will NOT discuss and clarifies what sexual health and identity concerns I will discuss, and then concludes with a set of questions written to help clarify the person's intentions for our time together.

Do I catch crap and have people tell me it's too long, too serious, beg me to talk to them about things I state I will not discuss, etc? Absolutely... But as you might see, I state there very specifically what I expect them to bring to the table and that I don't make exceptions.

The benefit of doing this this way is that people who are very serious about the time spent talking to me will take advantage of the way these details and questions get their brain running in reference to this topic at hand... while also weeding out the people who are more likely to be rejecting, abusive, disrespectful, etc. By setting my initial expectations out the way I have, it means that I also know how to start the chat every time. No answers to the questions? Then the chat will not continue from that point. All requests must have at least an attempt to answer my guiding questions in order for me to engage. Anyone that complains, rejects, or completely ignores this first step is informed that the information is required to have a chat... and in the event that they are really not interested in my style, that's fine, but that also means that they will need to engage the support of a different listener.

I write out all this because after 8+ years on here, and a couple more years on the site I used for this prior to joining 7 Cups, I've had many, many negative approaches and encounters, including a few threats and at least one person that managed to find my real name from my picture o_O what I've learned is that unfortunately, other listeners will struggle with holding members accountable to the contractual agreement they made when signing up... often this kicks up around suicidal discussions (for example), and you'll commonly see female listeners complain about overtly sexual contact and being unable to address it directly.

Sometimes these listeners will actively violate the listener agreement as well. It seems like a lot of newer listeners feel like they must always chat about whatever topic is coming up specifically because this is an emotional wellness support site. I do understand the compulsion, but I can't accurately express just how much better my experience has been since I implemented very detailed and defined boundaries with an accountability greeting, these efforts being implemented initially something like 4-5 years ago. I let these boundaries filter the issues out for me whenever possible.

But in the event this is all TMI and you just want to know how to shake off the negative vibe? Well, be honest with yourself. If you need to step away, do so. However, always, always, ALWAYS remember that when members come in hot like this, ready to lash out and be rude, they are almost always coming from a place of hurt, fear, or frustration, a place they reached before they even asked for your time. It is not a reaction to you as a person. There will be days where it is more difficult to remember this, but it truly isn't personal. I try to always look at these situations as a sad testament to the life they are struggling with right now, even those that seem to be doing such out of pure entertainment/boredom, because even if it's a joke to them... it says a lot about their state of life to have resorted to being a jerk to a stranger online who is volunteering their time to help others.

Be gentle with yourself, and consider the benefits of finite boundaries. Envision what kind of listener you want to be known as, what you want to grow into, and start drawing out that map. Additionally, the inevitability of these types of members is something to remember for your own personal well being, as it can be especially tough if you're in a bit of an emotionally vulnerable state yourself... Which is just another reason why constructing a boundary plan is a great idea, because you can help avoid stepping into trigger subjects for your own emotional work while also supporting others.

Anyway! This is long and you may not care much for it, but I didn't want you to feel alone in the experience by any means... I'm not always around but you can reach out to me if you want any additional info or whatever. I'm not a mentor but I do work with the Verification team and have very obviously been around the bend a few times here on the site. Good luck and stay safe!

@peacefulLove7659

That person may need another form of support. Sounds to me like they are very broken to be rude to someone who is here for the same reasons. Anger shows a lot in a person. Maybe just do nothing and save your energy for the majority of us who are empathetic without judgment, and focus on healing. Im learning and practicing not to allow other people the power to shift my emotional state negativity. The fact that you even posted about it, has already allowed the person to take to much of your precious time and energy ❤️

@peacefulLove7659

in past you have got various positive reviews this shows that you are doing a wonderful job.... sometimes we have some bad experience but that doesn't mean we are not good..

@peacefulLove7659Yes maybe a third of my "members" were pretty much like .... "do me"

@peacefulLove7659

I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you -- no one deserves to be disrespected. The member having a bad day is a reason for their actions, but not an excuse. You deserve to be spoken to with kindness and understanding, too, and know that taking care of you should be your top priority. :)

I had a very similar experience with a member a few months back, and I'm not going to disclose anything, but it was very bad. What I ended up doing was blocking them, but not before taking screenshots of what they said and sending it to the 7 Cups management staff to report the encounter so that it doesn't happen to anyone else. However, if your situation is not as severe as this, just remember to firmly set boundaries with them. No matter how in distress a member is, they should still be respecting you -- you're taking time out of your own day to help a stranger, and deserve to and should be appreciated for your work. If they disrespect you, tell them kindly but firmly and assertively that you're a person, too, and will not be spoken to like that. You deserve love, too, and I hope you remember that and know just how awesome and worthy of appreciation you are. :)