SHA #3: Role of Acceptance & Validation
Hello SH Warriors,
Group Support organizing the month of Self-Harm Awareness Week, the focus will be on discussing general awareness, and support, and celebrating milestones and small steps. This will be an opportunity for all of us to come together and extend our support and compassion to all who struggling with self-harm. In the last two posts, we discussed: Do you think self-harm defines you? and "Safe Plan" for people with self-harm issue
In this post, I want to discuss the role of acceptance and validation. Self-harm is a complex issue, and there's not a single cause. It isn't about seeking attention. It is a way to manage intense emotions like anxiety, anger, or sadness. When those emotions feel overwhelming, self-harm can provide a temporary release, even if it's through pain. But, lack of acceptance and validation can be a significant contributing factor.
Imagine a teen who is constantly bullied for their identity. It will make them feel isolated and unheard. Lack of acceptance and validation may turn to self-harm because:
- They feel like no one understands their pain (lack of validation).
- They believe they deserve the pain because they are being bullied (low self-esteem).
- They can't find a healthy way to manage their anger and sadness (difficulty regulating emotions).
- Self-harm feels like the only thing they have control over (loss of control).
That means a lack of acceptance and validation can be a significant trigger for self-harm for several reasons:
- It makes one feel isolated and unheard. When someone feels their emotions and experiences aren't accepted or validated, it can lead to isolation and a sense of being misunderstood. This lack of connection can make emotional distress feel overwhelming, and self-harm can become a way to express that pain tangibly.
- One experiences low self-esteem. Constant criticism or feeling like your feelings don't matter can erode self-esteem. This can make one feel worthless and like they don't deserve care. Self-harm can become a way to punish oneself or feel something, even if it's pain.
- It makes it difficult to regulate emotions. Without healthy coping mechanisms, one may struggle to manage intense emotions like anger, sadness, or anxiety. Self-harm can become a way to numb those emotions or release tension in a way that feels immediate, even if it's destructive.
- It makes one feel at a loss of control. Feeling like you have no control over your life or your emotions can be incredibly frustrating. Self-harm can be a way to regain a sense of control, even if it's a false sense of control over your own body.
But, acceptance and validation can be powerful ways to overcome self-harm. When someone feels their experiences are acknowledged and their emotions are valid, it can:
- Reduce feelings of isolation and build self-compassion.
- Boost self-esteem and a sense of worth.
- Encourage the development of healthy coping mechanisms for managing emotions.
- Helps one to feel more in control of their life.
Tagging a few friends to share their experiences. Please feel free to tag and encourage others to share as well <3
@I1am1trying @sadrobot101 @Birchtreebird11 @Finny17 @CloudCola @communicativePond1728 @TheGentlesoul @theboymoana @lolasun24 @Slayer22 @Vagi @unassumingEyes @Starlight73 @Apeatrice @Slipveil @slayy1 @Orihara @Vara3112 @sympatheticFriend1916 @jason7127 @Enchanted2024 @TheSunIsUpTheSkyIsBlue
@ASilentObserver TW just incase
I agree with alot said on here. Cups has helped me alot in feeling validated and getting my self esteem out of the trash. Earlier I mentioned to some friends on here on how this has happened. When I came on here, i was in denial of my own sh. I could not accept that what i did was sh despite it hurting me. I was too confused, and I felt like my situations were not worthy of sh. As though i was not hurt enough to be allowed to hurt myself. When I tested the waters here, and quietly admitted the truth, that I am of those who sh, I was not treated with the expected disgust, fear or disapproval. My friendships did not change. I was listened to as before i “confessed”, i was treated the same, except for anything I wanted to change. And slowly, slowly, admitting what I was doing and not being rejected for it had another outcome: i started doing it less. I come here now when the urge is there, and more often than before cups, the urge leaves without any harm. I apologize if i went too much into detail, but this is my experience so far.
@unassumingEyes
*hugs eyes buddy if okay* awwe friend this really warmed my heart 🥺 this was truly so sweet to read 💜 i’m so freaking proud of you eyes buddy and you mean so much to me 💜🥺💕 i’m vv happy cups has been a safe space for you 💜 i hope you know you’ve made cups (especially teenie land) a better, warmer, brighter, kinder place too - just by being you 💜 we love you 💜
@LoveMyMoonflowers *hugss* i love you all too 🥺❤️ cups does alot for me so if i can give even a teeny bit of that back, im glad ❤️ and im proud of you too flowers ❤️ and v.v.v grateful to have you around ❤️
@unassumingEyes Thank you for sharing your story with us, Eyes. It takes courage to confront our struggles and seek support. I am glad you are here with us on 7 Cups and good to hear opening up has helped you feel validated and work through difficult emotions. Your experience shows that accepting ourselves, even with our flaws, can lead to growth and healing. You got this eyes. We believe in you and here for you.
My experiences with acceptance and validation:
Acceptance:
For me, acceptance took the form of self-acceptance through shadow work that happened automatically during the lowest low of my life.
I had experience after experience of facing painful things buried inside, of all kinds. Some were about me and the mistakes I had made throughout life. Some were about people I was still attached to who hurt me. Some where about people in general and life itself. And each time I found a deeper layer of acceptance to the truth about life, people, and myself.
Most of all, acceptance of myself.
In this acceptance, which came from within, in the privacy of my own mind and body and heart, the whole system, I found my sense of self-worth, and self-love, self-compassion, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-respect. You could say I found myself, as it were, in all its facets, good and bad, beautiful and ugly. And I knew I was loved, because my entire system could feel it, intensely. And I knew that everyone, literally every person is also loved in the same way, if only their heart could open up to it.
What closes our hearts is the many accumulated traumatic and painful experiences we encounter through life. And each experience produces a kind of scab, that closes off one more aspect of our ability to feel.
In a way, we may actually start to equate maturity and adulthood with the lack of feeling. And this lack of feeling robs us of all the simple and endless joys of life all around. And we become very depressed, or very angry, or very dysfunctional.
When by some means, we are opened up to the pain that is hiding behind the scabs covering our heart, it's temporarily very emotionally painful, and uncomfortable, but by feeling it completely, from it's root to it's end, it gets integrated (incorporated, combined) into you mind body and heart. Your system. The scab covering it up goes away. And that aspect of your ability to feel, which was concealed by that scab, opens back up to you.
Now, you not only have the ability to feel that aspect again, like when you were an innocent child, but, when life inevitably bring more experiences which hurt you in that place inside your heart, you've already processed it before. So it doesn't scar you the way it once did.
When this kind of healing happens over and over, your heart becomes so open, that you become grateful and happy to be alive, and in some cases, you may even find yourself grateful for some of the pain you experienced. It's that significant.
Validation:
Validation during this period also came from within. What happened was I learned how to really cry. I had cried before, sometimes when intoxicated and having a meltdown. But this time it was a real sober, and intense silent weeping, that would take over my whole system.
I wouldn't be able to do anything but lay on the floor or sit in a chair, completely still and relaxed, and just exhale very deeply and slowly, until there was no more air to exhale, and then I would inhale very deeply and slowly, naturally, automatically, and do more of the same. Each time, with an open mouth, the air would pour out of my face carrying all of the emotional pain that I couldn't have even fathomed was burried inside there.
Each time, the air moving through my throat felt like a very intense, almost cosmic, silent wail.
And each time, the energy gushing through my chest, felt like I was almost being electrocuted in a way that wasn't traumatic. But rather, an invisible, felt expression of all the feelings that had been burried over years and years of emotional pain.
In that silent wail to the cosmos, and buckets of snot and tears, my pain found all it's validation.
I didn't anymore need someone to believe me.
I didn't anymore need to prove it.
I didn't anymore need to prove it with physical pain.
I didn't anymore need to prove it with physical scars.
The experience of feeling it so deeply and completely, in stillness, was proof enough.
Thanks for reading.
@ASilentObserver
Thank you for this useful info. Idk much about this but yeah I know we do seek acceptance and validation and if doesn't get validated we feel terrible and confused.
Even in small things... So I can imagine the effect of these larger things which causes self harm.
People who feel relief after SH this is for you🙌
You are equally important, if you don't get treasure somewhere it doesn't mean that it is not there... Yes there are many people don't understand you and therefore you feel the urge for SH but here are many people whom you can talk and feel better. You are the universe creation and you know that it is not without a reason. More power to you, you are brave for managing these all things alone. ❤
@Vagi Thank you Vagi, tt sounds like you have some understanding of how validation can impact our feelings. What do you think are some ways we can find validation?
I don't think acceptance and validation matter much. If it is did many would be a lot more stable and feel better about their situations and don't. This is a broken society and systems we're attempting to heal something already borderline impossible to do so within, and yet we're supposed to ignore how unfair and unfortunate it is and remain passive or under a guide of false positivity. I don't think that makes a single ounce of sense and in fact I find it disgusting and beyond upsetting.
@communicativePond1728 "...and yet we're supposed to ignore how unfair and unfortunate it is and remain passive or under a guide of false positivity."
If you read what I'm expressing very slowly, word for word, and look at this very carefully, with an open mind, (because I'm sincere and I'm not judging you), you might see that you are actually rejecting the notion of acceptance, because you have misunderstood is as false-positivity, and, because you are also unknowingly seeking validation, about how unfair and unfortunate life is.
And you're definitely right about how unfair and unfortunate life and society is, and the state of things, including our systems. Things are not ok, I agree.
But back to the point, this means you are demonstrating, how important validation is, and what happens if we don't get validation. We get stuck at a kind of initial stage or barrier to healing and growth. Which I think everyone gets stuck at for some period of time or other. I know I was for a long time, and probably even way more resentful than you are now. So thank you for speaking true to yourself and what you perceive, it takes courage.
You've also inadvertently pointed out a very common misconception about what acceptance, or it's cousin concept surrender, is about. Because many people confuse those two with false-positivity. It has nothing to do with being biased towards positive thoughts and feelings, or with any kind of falsehood.
Validation comes first.
Acceptance comes second.
Validation means, having your feelings and your pain seen, acknowledged, and validated as real and significant. Until we find this validation of our hurt, we remain stuck here in a state of bitterness and resentment, and reject anything to do with healing or moving forward in any way, because we are still trying to get some kind of an appraisal on the damage that has been done, and we haven't got that yet.
Acceptance means, you coming to terms with whatever pain and loss you've experienced, or observe in others. The validation is an opening of door. Acceptance is walking through the door. The real work. And anything but positive. Acceptance doesn't mean that what happened, was good. It just means we are accepting on every level of our human system, mind body and whatever else there is, the reality of it.
To explain why, you would really have to explain how we unknowingly reject and resist the reality of the bad aspects of life, and our own experience. Even when we think we are doing the opposite.
For example, we may fixate on something, and protest about it, with a lot of charged emotion, and vehemently appose any attempt to gloss over it, or construe it into some kind of false positivity perspective. And that all sound very much like you are accepting the reality of the bad thing. But it's actually the opposite.
By doing all of that, although they can be useful, most of the time, it's just an unconscious attempt to cover up feelings, thoughts, possible truths and verifiable truths, that are still too painful to process. To keep those things at bay, you need very powerful emotions to do the job of concealing them. And anger is the go to emotion for this, for several reasons.
So on the surface we think we are "accepting" the reality of the bad thing, but actually, emotionally we are running away from that reality constantly. Behind the anger, are a range of other emotions, thoughts, feelings and possibilities which unfold, but haven't yet had the chance to, and can be even more intense and painful than the resentment we feel initially.
All the people who tout acceptance and surrender do so because they've experienced it. Lot of the time, it's not because someone told them to do so and they listened, but because life forced them to one day, and they had an aha moment.
About a fundamental concept that undercuts off these other concepts, and it is called internal resistance.
@sadrobot101 if you actually slowly and carefully read what I wrote and used effective empathy you wouldn't find it necessary to write some TED talk I'll never read at me.
@communicativePond1728 I read it at least three times over, and then a bit more. Sorry it wasn't to your standards, or too much.
@ASilentObserver
💙*hugs tight if ok*
Thank you for tagging me here, obs.
Tw; (just in case)
Real, the power of being accepted as we are on Cups really help me to stop doing sh.(I am struggling a bit, I really wanna to slip, but everytime my friends words pop up in my head'' we are here for you'' ''think abt your sisters and future'' they are the reasons I haven't relapsed. Because I know, I am not alone, I am embraced here, I am going to make it…if I do it, I will let them down …)
I think it should be called the power of friendship, the realisation that we have people behind us, supporting us, journey alongside us made us wanna do good so as not to let our friends down. This does not only apply to sh, but to other things too(alcohol, drug…)
Please be gentle with yourself, we are here to embrace you, to support you, to told you how proud we are of you. When things gets too heavy and life seems real massy… Please don't lose hope. Let us take up the burden without those unhealthy actions, let's take them up together.
@FaithfulZareia.
💙❤️🤍
@Apeatrice Hugs back Apea and thank you for sharing your experiences. I am glad you have found comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this journey and that your friends are there to support you. The realization that having people by your side can make a difference is powerful. Please remember, you are not alone in feeling this way. You are doing your best, and that's something to be proud of. We are all here with you to listen to and to support.