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TalkingSloth
80,430 M Big Steps 10
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts7,885 Forum posts35 Forum upvotes71 Current upvotes71 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2024 Member sinceJuly 3, 2023
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Belonging is a subscription based affair
Journals & Diaries / by TalkingSloth
Last post
 June 28th, 2024
...See more Belonging, is in my mind, one of the pillars of the human mind. It's my opinion, that the very reason we have egos, or identities, or an elaborate self-image, is because it's a way to seat, or position us, in a role amongst other people. Or, to put it a different way, it plugs us into a group (what I call a collective). I call it a collective, because it's really just a pooling of resources. Humans think their power is in their abstract thinking, but are slow to realize that much of it is in our collective, concerted efforts, which are possible because of the ability to communicate as well as we do. And that that ability to communicate, is in part, the reason we think so abstractly, because it's a way of encoding and transferring ideas from one person to another. When you understand this fact about collective power, you can then expect that there will be some provision that seeks to glue individuals together. And that's where identity comes in. It tells you who you are, and where you belong. You cannot belong, without an identity. All that belonging is, is a kind of statement that says, you are so and so, and these people are such and such, and the implication is that you fit together. Therefore you are of this and that group. It also defines who your enemies are, in the same way. A problem can arise in at least two scenarios that I've so far identified. And likely a lot more. In the one, a person has acquired an identity that says, "you don't belong anywhere, and that is who you are". This is like a kind of virus infection of the identity software in your mind. It can come from your upbringing, and past experiences. When the infection has set in, because identity is the director of how you behave, you will behave exactly as someone who does not belong anywhere. And not only will it diligently the fulfill the expectations of an image that says "you don't belong anywhere", but, since your identity software is a collective thing, others will also unconsciously see it, and oblige. They will re-enforce it without knowing, because that's how it works. "If you quack like a duck, and if you walk like a duck, we will oblige and call you duck." The second scenario that I've identified, where a person has trouble belonging anywhere, is when they are undergoing a process of becoming aware of their own identities. The way identity works, necessarily, is with one part truth and one part make belief. This is why fake it till you make it is even a thing. It's really just you updating your identity software. There are even builtin faculties within your mind that help you build and defend these identities, against the light of the truth that threatens to expose it's made up aspects. Since after all, it's important software to how a human lives and survives in the world. Some of these builtin functions, are like different forms of self-hypnosis, if we're being optimistic, of self-deception if we're being frank. Therefore identity maintenance, necessarily, and evidently, requires a lot of self-deceiving, half-truths, or outright lies. In order to maintain the image of who we think we are, in the world. When a person begins to notice these builtin function in action in real time, and starts to see through the whole illusion of identity and world-view, and how it all ties into the individuals survival and way of life, the curtains start to fall, they can no longer buy their own BS, so to speak. They may still play along, or try to. But it can never be as absorbing as it once was. And again, since this is a collective thing, when you don't believe your own BS half of the time, neither will others. Put another way, when you don't feel like you belong anywhere, because you don't feel like identity, and belonging, are real things, others will sense it, just as they sense it with the person who doesn't feel like they belong anywhere, because they have an identity that says so. It's the same, but different. I know because I experienced both. In the first, there is a lot of despair. It's overwhelming. Because belonging is so important to a human beings way of life. Poking an eye, hurting a tooth, hurt because those things are very important. Not belonging hurts because it's very important. It's really just biology (or evolution, if I'm permitted to use that word on this site). It's so overwhelming, that the person will do literally anything to belong somewhere. And if they can't belong with the outcasts, or the baddies, then they will bury that pain under a mountain of self-distracting tactics. Also involving those builtin mechanisms of identity maintenance. Which are emotionally driven as far as I can see. The task then becomes to alter the world view so that the world is not worth belonging to, and to alter the identity so that it belongs to itself. And a kind of highly abrasive, or downright destructive, megalomania ego is the result. World view and identity are like two sides of the same coin. When all of this is partially seen through, and illusion doesn't have as strong a hold as it used to, you still feel the pain. But it loses much of it's power. You still feel sadness, rejection, anger, and anxiety as the result of not belonging, and being alone, but you see them for what they are. Emotional responses. And they color and pepper your experience like hot sauces on a hot dog. It's unpleasant, but you can't even tell if you like it or not anymore. And sometimes you feel a kind of compassion for others for how clueless they are about how things works. And how vulnerable they are to those things, because they are completely bound to it, and completely bought into the narratives of their own mind. The mere alluding to the idea that the narratives of your own mind are narratives, can provoke anxiety and anger. It's like a gag reflex, because such things threaten to compromise mind software that's too important to your way of life and how you function. But if you were to somehow start to study you own mind, with objectivity and keenness, you would find that many of the emotional and mental problems we (I) deal with, are rooted in beliefs that we have have about ourselves and the world. Beliefs we harbor not for no reason, but because they are legos blocks in our self-image and worldview. Thus, belonging is a subscription based affair. To belong, you really have to subscribe to common set of beliefs that are shared by your group. The main one being, that we are a group.
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Guilt
Journals & Diaries / by TalkingSloth
Last post
 July 1st, 2024
...See more Guilt is honest. Guilt is simple. Guilt is quiet. Guilt is defenseless. Guilt is pain tolerant. Guilt is calm. Guilt is accepting. Guilt is spaceous, empty and still. Guilt doesn't use anesthetics. Guilts tears don't sob. Guilts plea is not for itself. Guilt is deeper even than shame.
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Sacred Silence Of Sadness
Journals & Diaries / by TalkingSloth
Last post
 July 2nd, 2024
...See more All emotions seem to like expression. But one is shy. Words are costly, heavy and cumbersome. Sadness only wants to feel feelings. Sadness likes to regress. Which means to become childlike. Who cares why. What's it feel like to be totally alone, at heart. To never have someone who you can say to: "I'm feeling [emotion]". It feels like the essence of worthlessness. It feels like the essence of rejection. It feels like the essence grief. It feels like Gods cosmic plight. It feels, enraging. It feels powerful. It feels still. It feels haunting. It feels quiet.
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Confessions Of A Human Being
Journals & Diaries / by TalkingSloth
Last post
 March 18th, 2024
...See more Everything that I say and do, and every thought I entertain, has a motive. If I'm speaking, like I am right now, I am acting towards an agenda. My agendas are never singular, and one is always more obvious than the other other. That one is obvious, and the other not so obvious, isn't an accident. The one conceals the other. I am selfish by my very nature. My selfless motives, conceal my selfish motives. My selflessness itself, extends only to the extend of the borders of my peripheral sense of self. My kin, my people, my friends, my species, my planet, my universe, my this and my that. Truth, is not in my best interest, and presumably, and evidently, I have evolved the ability to conceal it, and evade it, or alter it. My world is not one of nature and reality. But a collectively maintained cocoon of my kinds design, and making. In the nested layers this artificial and mental cocoon, I am safe from all of the truths of reality which surround me like cosmic background radiation. The only truly honest thing I've ever said, was nothing at all. The only truly selfless thing I ever did, was nothing at all. The only truth I really know, is the depth of my own lies. Therefore my world and my life is a grand game of poker. The thing at stake may take many different forms. Some gross, some subtle. But the currency beneath it all, is my sense of self. My identity. My individual separate existence. I am playing this game, just like my ancestors did. And like all of them, until the fateful day that must come, when the truth will refuse to be ignored. And the game, and all my winnings, must be given up, and the curtains of self-deception and the insanity of my kinds mental nature, finally dropped. In the mean time, until that day comes, it's a useful thing to remember, that we're all ultimately just playing an insanely elaborate game of bluff. The only question, is which layer of the onion is the bluff? I'm bluffing you right now, and I probably even know how.
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To judge or not to judge?
Journals & Diaries / by TalkingSloth
Last post
 April 11th, 2024
...See more Why do people judge others? People judge others, as part of their identity maintenance protocols, via something we call projection. People judge others, in the interest of re-associating feelings of guilt and shame, with something other than ones self. People judge others, as part of a rudimentary coping strategy that keeps one general attention drawn to the outside world, away from one self and the inside. People judge others, to elevate themselves above others. People judge others, because they feel they're constantly being evaluated by a moral overseer, and if they don't, they'll get demerits. People judge others, because it makes them feel good. People judge others, because they lack self-knowledge and self-awareness. People judge others, because they feel judged. People judge others, because we are programmed to by society and our highly social nature. People judge others, because they actually believe it's right to do so. People judge others, because they actually believe it will make them a better person. People judge others, because they actually believe it makes the world a better place. People judge others, because they actually believe it solves problems. What would happen if you stopped judging other people? More of your attention would return home to shed light on you yourself, and the things you harbor inside of you. This would likely lead to an initial reaction in the form of seeking other stimulating, distracting, and bypassing coping strategies. Before finally leading to some grief about those things about yourself, that you hide from. The grief is there not to harm you, but to facilitate acceptance, integration, and growth/reform. You would rapidly start to grow as a person. You anger would start to die down, and you would become vulnerable. That vulnerability is not there to hurt you, but to open you up to life, other people and yourself, on a deeper level. You would hurt far fewer people. You would help far more people by making them feel accepted and worthy, which gives them motivation, self-esteem, hope, and a desire to fulfill their human potential and be a good person. You would cause other people to also judge a little less, because people judge when they feel judged. People would start to like you way more. You would become very attractive, because they would be able to sense acceptance and love in your presence, just because you didn't judge them.
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Not enough, or too much?
Journals & Diaries / by TalkingSloth
Last post
 March 14th, 2024
...See more Not man enough, but not woman enough. Not white enough, but not black enough. Not younge enough, but not old enough. Not smart enough, but not challenged enough. Not honest enough, but not bad enough. Not interesting enough, but not quiet enough. Not confident enough, but not shy enough. Not talented enough, but not disciplined enough. Not positive enough, but real enough. Not privileged enough, but not marginalized enough. Not straight enough, but not queer enough. Not lucky enough, but unlucky enough. So here I still am.
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You are my drug
Depression Support / by TalkingSloth
Last post
 March 1st, 2024
...See more TW: written imagery relating to drugs, strong emotions [removed] that leads into my heart, into your hatred, your suspicion, your disregard, your mockery, your deception, your injustice, your need and greed. And it sucks it up like a straw, I drink that milkshake, and it gets me high high high. When I'm high, on your hostility, your evil eye, your projected rejected emotions, which I accept and consume and drink from, I'm powerful. I bamboozle you, and confuse you. You frown, squint, cringe, and squirm as I show you who I am without pretense, deception, and concealed agenda. I stand alone, in the rain, in the snow, in the desert, in the cave, on the shore, in the bush, in my room, in a car, on the pavement. Or sit. Or whatever. And you see me, and it offends you, because your offense serves you. You need me. I am your projector screen. I'm your suspect, your fall guy. I'm your bad guy. But you don't see me. I see you though. Damn, the high is gone now Edited Aug 17, 2023
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