Safety Discussion - Supporting a Member Feeling Unsafe

Tagging the Safety Team:

@EvelyneRose @Rebekah @tommy @AuRewolf @positivePumpkin22 @KindnessMatters2020 @LightsFromDark @Rui00 @iPHOENIX @EmotionsListener @blissart @LittleBirdie30 @SolaceCares @SirenOfSerenity @Lou73 @Jenna @MistyMagic @fruityPond7887 @Hamstermum @MelodyoftheOcean @AffyAvo @Sunisshiningandsoareyou @kindheartedlily @florablossom3319 @blissfulSky8162 @sereneMirage8103 @courageousDreamer8927 @Jiminycricket91 @kyan1 @Raspberrycheesecake @MattForHelp @radiantLight33 @TabbyCat97 @LandOfHopesx3 @Daf8 @Optimisticempath @coco128 @pandanfe @Artalistens @Bunnylovesyou @WatermelonLover22 @Suryansh @SparkyGizmo @rubyjane00 @niamh333 @lovelyApple6441 @LOOPHOLE @azuladragon34 @Ralien @fantasticJet1739 @Grace3012 @Mahad2804 @HachiBee @LoveMyMoonflowers @OllieRNLI999 @sweetmikayla @DanCat1128 @izzyy528 @dreamIcicle8467 @KateDoskocilova @El2002snow @Aristotle01

Thanks for the great post @AuRewolf and all the helpful resources. It definitely feels like listeners showing discrimination is something that is unnoticed/not spoken about. 

Reporting, supporting and reaching out can definitely help with these unsafe situations 💙

@Lou73

Yes, members experiencing discrimination from listeners is something that is not often noticed, so I thought to make a discussion about it.

Thanks for reading the post!

It was a nice post. Good to reread the helplinks there are. I'm sure it's a good reminder for people.

I'd like to answer the questions asked for members.

What kind of unsafe situations have you encountered on 7 cups?

I've had my fair share of listeners that behaved badly. Either it trying to have sexual chats, jealous behaviour, showing aggressive behaviour.

But what has caused me most to feel unsafe is the cyber bullying going on here. I've dealt with a couple bullies on this platform. Each worse then the one before. Where they will use stuff I shared in the support chats against me to try and trigger me. They have used multiple accounts to bully me. So each time I had to fight moderators and admin again so they'd help.

What could you do in an unsafe situation?

I take screenshots and report and hope admin deals with it. If it is an unsafe situation I just step away from it. If its a listener i block and report. If its in the chatrooms I ask a mod for help and mute if needed.

Any ideas about dealing with unsafe situations?

Always, always take screenshots. So you have proof of what happened so admin can take action easier.

@SleepyPersonForever

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. It's disheartening to hear that you've had to deal with such behavior on this platform. It sounds like you've developed a practical approach to handling these situations by taking screenshots and reporting them to the admin. Your proactive approach to stepping away from unsafe situations and seeking help from moderators when needed shows resilience. Thank you for sharing your insights on dealing with these challenges ❤️

@SleepyPersonForever

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Sleepy. 💙

Sorry to hear that you had to deal with cyber bullying and inappropriate listeners here, and that you had to fight to stop the bullying against you

Yes, screenshots are our best friend in these kind of situations. That way, it will be easier to get admins to take action. Also, stepping away from it, and asking for mods' help is another good way to deal with unsafe situations.

@AuRewolf There have not been many such situations for me, fortunately, as I am extremely picky about whom I tell things about myself.

Out of the three listeners that I had to report for their behavior, two are still on here and active, though, so I'm not sure how useful reporting is (reasons: insulting prejudices against the country I live in, suggesting offsite contact in multiple ways, and - the one who got banned - talking about pets in their underwear (which was kind of funny in its oddness, compared to the other things)).

What I think people also need to be protected from is listeners playing therapists and overengaging when they have no such experience. That can cause harm, but it is very difficult to detect.

@cloudySummer

Thanks for dropping by and sharing your insights, Summer!

Sorry to know that some of the listeners you reported are still active on here.

Listeners playing therapist is definitely harmful, and that behavior should not be allowed in 7 Cups. A way would be to utilize rating & review system so that the listener will get a coaching mail about their therapist-like approach.

Thank you for the clear explanations and great compilation of resources!

This is very useful, and these resources and good practices must be reminded as frequently as possible and taught to the many new people who come all the time to Cups looking for support.

All living creatures in open environments are subject to myriad intents by pathogenic organisms to take advantage of them. Our marvelous immune system is working 24/7 to protect us from those so we can stay healthy despite incessant attempts to make us ill.

7 Cups is a very open place, that welcomes anyone who needs support. But this openness makes it unavoidable that ill-intentioned people will also enter.

Thankfully, 7 Cups has a very strong immune system, with many defensive systems, which makes it one of the (if not "the") safest online communities. 

The more people know these defensive resources and how to use them effectively, the stronger our immunity against intruders will be as a Community.

So thank you again for promoting our safety, a main pillar that makes this Community such a haven of kindness and support for the benefit of the many who find in 7 Cups what unfortunately can't be found anywhere else.

@AuRewolf

@AuRewolf

Good information here.

I would say that the phrasing here: "If you find yourself stuck in a chat ..." sounds a bit demeaning to a Member who has had a negative experience on 7 cups. I would suggest re-phrasing it, since one is never really "stuck" in a chat (one has agency, one presumes, so one can leave a chat when one wants to). Also, the word "stuck" implies that the Member is a burden and their complaint or negative experience is not valid. 

Below is the statement in full. I would suggest simply removing the word "stuck," and the message will still get across without the negative connotation.

• Seek help from a Chat Support or a mentor/teen star

If you find yourself stuck in a chat with a member who has had a negative experience on 7 Cups, and don’t know how to proceed, it’s a good idea to request Chat Supporter (listeners who are specifically trained to help fellow listeners with ongoing chats) in Listener Support Room (for adult listeners) or Teen Listeners, or by filling out this listener support request form here

@PatienceImpatiens

Hey, thanks for pointing it out. 

By "stuck", I was referring to the listener not knowing how to proceed further with this kind of chat. It was not meant to be demeaning to the member in any way.

I've rephrased the line to remove the word "stuck" 😊

To answer your other questions:

For members: 

• What kind of unsafe situations have you encountered on 7 Cups?

The whole gamut: harassment, inappropriate joking, cliques, bullying, triangulation, gossiping, impossible to summon mods, trolls (even though we're not supposed to call them trolls, they are trolls), sexual harassment, requests for offsite contact, if you name it, it's probably happened.

• What could you do in an unsafe situation?

I used to report, complain, take screen shots and all that. I've come to the point where what I do is avoid the room where it happened, avoid the people from whom it originates, and close the computer and move away from the computer as often as necessary, since the problem originates with the computer.

• Any ideas about dealing with unsafe situations? Share them below!

Yes, I have ideas, and probably some of them are not legal or might exceed a guideline here or there. Some of the milder strategies that have worked so far include: moving away from the computer, closing the computer completely (this can be done with a flourish if necessary, that satisfying click of the lid shutting and saying simultaneously, "you're not the boss of me," can be strangely satisfying), complaining to a trusted friend or two, though we never know do we, since this is an anonymous site, who are we speaking to anyway, writing forum posts (I wrote one on Bullying.), wringing my hands, combing through my hair in rapid successive nervous gestures, patting my rescue pup, taking a long walk, making some nice strong coffee, talking with people in real life, organizing my knick knacks, shooting some hockey pucks, gardening, re-filling the bird feeder., taking close up shots of the blue birds, house wrens and cardinals, sending photos to my kids. I also found that "grounding" as in lying flat on the floor and staring at the ceiling sometimes helps. Another fun one is to talk rudely back (snappy back talk) to the person who is causing the distress, but to myself (rather than to the person directly) or in a written form as in a letter that I can then destroy or throw away, or, after editing, send if it's an appropriate channel. Remind myself that I am physically safe and that I have gotten through far worse situations and that someday I will laugh about all this.

@PatienceImpatiens

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this post, PI!

It sounds like you've developed an approach to dealing with feeling unsafe, including self-care, stepping away from the computer, and more importantly, reminding yourself that you're physically safe. 💙

I just want to say thank you to the members that replied already. Never knew that something like this was happening on the member-side in conversations with Listeners sometimes. This makes me more aware as a Listener that not all of you have good experiences. Hope your responses will make it a safer community. Now I know, I will be more aware about what I am seeing and more room for talking about this in chat conversations. ❤️ Thanks again. 

@Essy1990

Thank you for sharing your gratitude and awareness. It's truly heartening to see listeners like you acknowledging the importance of safe and respectful interactions within our community. Your commitment to being more mindful and creating space for conversations about these issues is commendable and plays a vital role in fostering a safer environment for everyone. Your words are a reminder of the collective responsibility we all have in ensuring that every interaction is supportive and empowering. Let's continue to work together towards making 7 Cups a place where everyone feels heard, valued, and safe! ❤️

@Essy1990

Thanks for stopping by, Essy!

Glad to hear that you now know more about this, and that you will encourage more room for talking about it in chats! 💙

@AuRewolf

thank you for saying this. It is honestly so true. Ive had some horrid experiences with people misusing the site, and I know a lot of teens don't use listeners because of the experiences. it has honestly pushed me to be that much better, because honestly, the teen side has about 3 constant (been here for a bit more than 3-4 months, logs on regularly, and has going relationships with members **i mean platonic and professional**) that I've noticed in the past year on cups, that being @reganL @callumcares21 and @KateDoskocilova and me ofc :p gotta keep that 191 day streak going! Im not sure how the adult side is but I honestly get bombarded, because a lot of teens who use the rooms don't trust other listeners! It's sad ): (and I know there are more listeners but those I remember) my

@AuRewolf

Thank you for posting this. It's somewhat disturbing to me that 7 cups has such a problem and I wonder if the vetting decisions for letting Listeners sign up is perhaps too loose.

One site I consulted said that a person can enter gibberish in their answers and still become a Listener. Wouldn't tightening up the intake process a bit possibly be helpful in weeding out miscreants from the start? 

Also, as a Listener myself who also Moonlights (also as a Volunteer) as a Crisis Counselor, I would suggest that some of the Unethical Behaviors you list could possibly cause a Member to feel. like they are in Crisis, in which case, 7 cups Listeners do not have the training to necessarily de-escalate, provide resources, and calm the caller, as well as provide physical assistance, that are possible through some of the Crisis Services.

A Member could be feeling a great deal of Shame, Guilt or other feelings that prevent them from seeking proper information to fight for justice.

I will attach the crisis message I use, as well as the link to Find a Helpline, which provides International Help Lines, in case a Member or Listener were to feel like they were in immediate danger, or if they feel like someone in their immediate environment is in danger.

Find a helpline has international listings and categories for all types of crisis. It is the best link I have found in my experiences as a Crisis Counselor (not on 7 cups) for International Links. Please note that some crisis lines have hours (eg., 9-4 business hours) and some do not accept calls from outside the country, though many do. This resource is maintained by a very reputable organization and if I were in crisis, I would go here first. https://findahelpline.com

7 cups Listeners do not have the training or back up to support you properly if you are in Crisis.

If you are currently in a crisis situation where you or another in your environment are at risk of being harmed, Please log off 7 cups and please go here to one of these links. https://7cups.com/crisis

International Suicide hotlines: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

Suicide crisis lines are listed here by country. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

Here are a few additional sites for help:

https://Mentalhealth.com

https://Crisiscenter.com

https://988lifeline.org

FREE or LOW COST THERAPY:

Mental Health America is website that offers information and resources to support and find help for a friend or loved one: https://bit.ly/MHA3res

Now Matters Now is a website that offers support for coping with thoughts of suicide through teaching DBT skills, videos, and personal stories: bit.ly/NMN_ref

Open Counseling is a website that provides a directory of local and affordable counseling. They also have virtual options: http://bit.ly/OC_ref

OPC is a directory of low-cost options for in person & online therapy; the site has a one-time lifetime membership fee or services https://openpathcollective.org

Rise Above the Disorder connects people with local mental health providers and subsidizes costs for those who can't afford it. https://bit.ly/yrad_r

HELP WITH FOOD, HOUSING (USA)

If you may need help with food, housing, or immediate needs, this website has a list of organizations in the USA organized by zip code. http://findhelp.org

WARMLINES

For a list of warmlines (not crisis lines, but lines where you can talk with someone) by state in the USA, please consult: https://warmline.org/warmdir.html#directory

@AuRewolf wow I knew the site has some problems with people being mean but never knew it is this bad. That's very saddening, especially learning that some listeners misuse their position for inappropriate behaviour.

I have personally had only one direct bad experience in a member powered sharing circle where it took me, a newly arriving host for the next hour and a mod to break up a horrible argument between some members. It took 3 of us to de-escalate it. But otherwise I think my use of the site has been okay.

Some things I follow that may help others too:

- avoid chatrooms that are not guided by a host, as that's where a huge part of the issues happen

- build your own inner circle with people you get to know on cups forums

- create special pen pals threads for those you want to talk to and are not able to PM them

- use forum posts in the matching category to seek support or advice, or 1:1 chats with a listener who has good reviews

- no off site contact. While it is very tempting to reach out to the people you vibe with in other ways too, off site contact is banned for a reason. If you want to share some pictures of the cool muffins you made, do it in your special thread or through Imgur links that you then link to the chat if your friend is a listener 🧁

- and a tiny bonus point I personally keep myself to, although it is relevant for only those of us who are active in some of the programmes here on cups: if I work with a listener in one of cup's programs, and I talked to this listener about the work we do, I don't use this previous contact and knowing each other to talk to them about my personal stuff I need support with, unless they initiate it/given permission for it. I instead search for someone I am not working with. I always define to myself what the nature of our relationship with someone is, as there is a huge difference between someone I work with and am a friend with and someone who is in a role of a therapist at the moment. Both situations have their unique specifics and often very different approach to each other and what does a communication and the relationship look like. Not venting to my team mates without previous permission or initiation on their side is also something that respects their sanity and keeps the relationship healthy 🌻