Sexting and flirting at 7 Cups
Hello Everyone!
I want to discuss an important topic that is particularly relevant to our community. I understand that there may be some confusion on this topic and I wanted to tackle it head on! Please review carefully!
Topic: Sexting and flirting at 7 Cups.
What is sexting?
Sexting is having sex over text message.
--> Behaviors associated with sexting:
1) Engaging in sex acts on 7 cups
2) inviting another user to engage in sex acts in both explicit and non-explicit ways
What is flirting?
Flirting involves verbal or written communication as well as body language by one person to another, suggesting an interest in a deeper relationship with the other person.
--> Behaviors associated with flirting:
1) Telling another user in the chat room that you like their profile picture and commenting on another users appearance. Even if you believe you are being kind, this is not appropriate.
Note: I'd like to clarify that it's one thing to say "oh hey new picture! Looks nice!" This is very friendly. But it's another to constantly make comments on appearance or make suggestive comments on appearance. These will not be tolerated.
2) Using the kissy faces in reference to a users comment or in a way that suggests you are interested in them in ways beyond friends.
7 Cups Site Policy on Sexting & Flirting
At 7 Cups, we have a zero tolerance policy for both of these behaviors in the forums, 1-1 chats (both Member/guest - listener & listener - listener). It's simply not what we are here for and it can be very hurtful to the person on the other side of the chat window. We are a compassionate, support network and we have no space for these behaviors. In fact, these behaviors work against us. They distract us from our mission.
Special notice to feminine presenting users: I know that everyone can be vulnerable to be on the receiving ends of these behavior. But the vast majority of the incoming reports signify that feminine presenting users are more likely to be targeted. Therefore, Id like to give a little notice specifically to this specific group. I want you all to feel empowered. If you are asked to engage in a sexual chat, please remove yourself immediately and report that user.
If this happens to you, you may feel uncomfortable or unsafe and that is understandable. Please take a self-care break, find a peer supporter or log on to your member account, but please know, we are actively working to remove these users from the community. If you see something, say something & protect yourself.
Here is what we will be doing to continue to remove & discourage these behaviors in our community:
1) Group support/ listener side chat rooms: warning system in place
2) Added censoring from the Member/Guest side. Note: We have no intention of hindering any member/guest ability to discuss a sexual problem. We will not censor specific words. Instead, we will censor specific phrases in which the context is clearly indicated.
3) Noni tip early presented early in the chat
4) Further language around the website (when you press the connect now button/ listener training)..etc. which works to further emphasize this point.
5) More education and culture building ( I hope to do a community discussion on this topic soon)
Thanks everyone!
This is an important concern! Thanks for taking action against it. I'm excited to see the changes put in place.
hey there i laso find soe user in listener chat roomand other chat room also . due to this it become impossible to talk . thankyou that you are takinfg action on it thank you so much:)
@Laura I'm glad to hear this has been acknowledged ! This is well appreciated ^-^ Does this bring any different things to moderating in the support rooms ? Are we now more strictly emphasizing on this issue ? Are we getting a new rule in the chat room rules list to make it clearer ?
I really appreciate this post a lot! I've seen this in the Group Support rooms and have responded accordingly, but I'm really glad to see just how seriously this is being taken by the leaders here! I personally feel more protected and safe after reading this, and seeing what is being done to protect us. This may be an issue now, and to some scale it probably always will be, but it is really nice to know that there is work being done to maintain and improve the safety of all our listeners! 
I think it's important to note that there is a difference between giving a compliment on appearance ("Oh your picture changed! It looks nice!") in the middle of a conversation and having a conversation that revolves around appearances ("You are so gorgeous. You should be a model. You're perfect. I think you're so cute.")
The former isn't necessarily a problem. Compliments are nice. Being acknowledged is nice. The latter tends to make people uncomfortable and can be very excluding though. We all want to give compliments to our friends and make them feel good about themselves, but if we are ignoring the other people within the rooms, then we are sending a message that they aren't welcome. Think about being in a group where everyone else is really good friends with each other, and you're the new kid. If they keep telling each other "You are so cute!" and saying in-jokes that you don't understand, it can be pretty upsetting to be with them because they aren't being inclusive to you.
Another reason I don't particularly like flirtatious behavior in the rooms is because it's intended to be a safe place, but the behavior can be threatening. Had 7 cups been around when I was 18-19, I can guarantee that I would have left and never returned, having been just barely beginning to learn how to cope with sexual violence trauma at that age. Many individuals have negative experiences with unwanted attention and flirtatious behavior that seeing it may make them uncomfortable and upset. I know that the behavior isn't often done out of ill intent or meant to be a bad thing, but I've heard it said time and time again that listeners feel threatened because of flirtatious behavior for various reasons. I do hope that all listeners take it seriously and take greater care in being aware of how we treat others.
Edit: It may also be worth noting that some of us may not realize that our behavior is flirtatious. If someone tells us that we are making them uncomfortable in any way, then the first reaction should not be to tell them "I'm sorry, it's just my personality" or "But I was just trying to be nice." It comes off as very belittling and flippant by essentially dismissing the other person's feelings and suggests that they are in the wrong for being upset or uncomfortable. People will react in ways that we may not expect, and it's important for us to respect them as individuals by acknowledging their feelings.
The same can be said in a group setting. I have seen people essentially dismiss concerns by trying to explain someone's behavior in a way that silences the individual.
Examples of this are:
"They were just trying to be nice."
"They were just trying to give you a compliment. Try to take it in a good way."
"You shouldn't be so offended. They didn't mean anything bad by it."
"They shouldn't have been so upset by it. I don't think you were being inappropriate."
"I can't believe they were so upset by your compliment!"
This is inappropriate reassurance and definitely contributes to an unhealthy environment because it encourages the behavior to continue while sending the message that someone cannot feel upset or threatened by it. Everyone has different boundaries and triggers, and we should all be respectful of that.
@Kane I love the points you're making here. Especially about how flirting actively makes a room less inclusive, and the problem with inappropriate reassurance and how invalidating it can be. Your comment here is really helping me to be able to speak out about it more effectively when I see it happening.
@Michaelmichael
As a fellow chatroom mentor, I know how difficult it can be to speak up about these things when they are so prevalent! No one likes the person that disrupts the normalcy of the rooms, even if we are trying to keep the rooms safe for everyone. That means there will be conflicts where people assume we are trying to control how they behave and censor them when all we are doing is really saying, "Hey! In the public rooms, we try to keep it an environment where everyone feels welcome. This kind of behavior can cause people to feel uncomfortable and excluded!" Cultural and societal norms also plays a huge part in this because while something is normal and acceptable to us, it won't be the same to someone who grew up in a different environment.
I've had listeners tell me to relax when I speak up because "no one in here has a problem with it" or "it's just for fun." That kind of response is more threatening and silencing than they may realize.
Hopefully this post will help better explain why it is a concern and how we can all try to make the community a safe place!
I'm really glad you spelled that out in detail.
If my behavior makes someone uncomfortable and they tell me this my best response is to acknowledge their felt, lived, and reported experience and apologize and try to learn from it. To make excuses or tell the person who felt hurt to adjust their perceptions is inappropriate. We can all learn from such moments if we can drop our defenses a bit.
@KrinkTheMellowUnicorn
Yes! Conflict isn't fun to be face, but it is necessary in personal growth.
@AdventuRin actually mentioned this to me when we were chatting on this topic, but admitting that we have made a mistake can positively impact our relationships with others. It humanizes us and endears us to others because we show that we are just imperfect as everyone else. People tend to have greater respect for those who acknowledge and learn from their mistakes than those who become defensive.
@Kane
I think these are some great clarifications. And, I'm with @Michaelmichael--I'll use these and work for a more inclusive environment in the rooms. We already struggle with cliques as it is and when this kind of behavior goes on, it seems that the cliques become even more defined and more exclusionary.
@RocketsMom
I think you bring up a good point about the cliques. Those have been a pervasive issue for the longest time, but it's not just an issue on 7 cups. It's part of the natural conflict that arises from human nature so there isn't going to be a permanent solution. However, we can do our best to minimize it by being aware of the fact that cliques exist and will cause people to feel excluded.
It's also cliques that I find to be a large portion of individuals who inappropriately reassures each other. We never want our friends to feel upset or bad about themselves so when we catch wind that they do, then we tend to focus on getting rid of the stimulus that is making them feel bad, rather than helping them process it. It's happened a lot in the rooms, which is why I felt it was necessary to say something about it. It's one thing to say "It's okay to feel upset over this", but it's another to completely dismiss the idea of we could have possibly made a mistake by saying "Wow, that is so unfair! I'm sorry." It ends up fostering that negative reaction and impacting how they react to feedback in the future. As listeners and friends, our goal should always be to help people learn from their mistakes and better themselves by learning from the different conflicts that might arise. Using inappropriate reassurance does the complete opposite of this and keeps individuals in a negative feedback loop.
@Kane--agreed!!
Thank you for bringing my attention to this.
Brilliant initiative! This will only build a greater sense of safeness and trust in 7 cups of Tea.
Maybe you could have a button that members could press if they are feeling targeted by a listener? And then what that button would do is save like the last 20 messages and send it to someone that can decide if that listener account needs to be deleted or not.
That sounds good thanks.
Thank you for this, I know it should be common sense but I know it isn't. Having this written pretty much sets it in stone and creates a tone for listeners, members, and guests within 7cups. Thank you again for acknowledging that there is a problem.
Exactly! Sometimes I feel so targeted as a listener, member too. It helps to know you can feel safe.
This is a very important issue not only on 7 cups but in life in general. Thank you for bringing this topic up!
Thanks for helping put this to an end Laura! I'm glad it has been noticed
