Does this sound normal?
I've been in this cohabiting relationship of 16 yrs and days like today when I've had a tough time with family issues, I tried to share & discuss my pain with my partner. The response I always get is silence and keeping his distance . He can see me so low in tears that I cannot find the energy to function...and yet he leaves or retreats to another part of the house. I find this so painful - it's the salt on the wound. He never has my back nor is he capable of comforting me even though he can clearly see how hurt I am. He has done this when my dad died ...when I really needed him .So I am wondering if other people experience this and if It's normal for some people . It magnify's the pain I was already in and makes me feel so isolated -lonely and depressed.
@ivoryBunny7465
Has it always been like this with him or is this something that's gotten worse over time?
@Mirea I would have to say yes to the beginning but gentler as we were fresh into the relationship. It has just been steady all along but I guess I was stronger then. Now the patten has exhausted me. Thx😊
@ivoryBunny7465
16 years is a long time. I understand that as I am leaving a 16 year relationship myself so I get how big a part of your life that is.
As to your question, I don't really think it matters whether it's "normal". I think you can safely say that it's normal for him. The questions you may want to ask yourself are these:
If he doesn't ever change, can I continue to live with him? This probably isn't a question you can answer now but it may be that you want to keep that in the back of your mind.
How have I communicated my needs to him? If you are also in the same old patterns and he responds in the same old way, it may be a rut you both need to climb out of.
Is he more responsive when I ask in other ways? Is he more responsive when I ask for things other than emotional comfort? Some people hate when they can't fix things. If he shows love and support in other ways, that may be what he can do. For instance, if he doesn't do the emotional comfort stuff well but will step up if you say "I'm feeling really down, Can you take care of X, Y or Z for me?"
If you had someone else like a friend or family member to turn to when you're having a really bad time, would that ease your need to lean on him? Might he be more responsive if there is less pressure in the moment? Or how about a time limit like "I just need a shoulder to cry on for 10 minutes right now".
Is he willing to go to counseling with you or by himself in order to learn some communication and emotional skills?
So, disclaimer: I obviously don't know you or your partner so this is all just very general and speculative. I had to ask myself all those questions in my own relationship and while it didn't have the outcome I wanted, they helped give me clarity as to what I needed to do for myself.
Also, I don't expect you to answer these here. This is just stuff to mull over in your own time. Hope this helps somewhat.
@ivoryBunny7465 I would ask why have you been w/someone like this for so long, but I am dedicated to an alcoholic, so that would be contradictory. I guess you can't really expect anything from them unless they want to suddenly change.
@TransAm85 Trying to work at the relationship. Interesting how you raised the alcoholism. That too is involved in the relationship long before I knew him. Sounds like I was trying to always fix things. Now...I'm just rorn out.😊💟
@ivoryBunny7465 Sorry it took awhile to respond .. I do that too. I always think my husband will get better and stop his drunken rampages, but in reality, it's only getting worse. He has this theory that b/c he works so hard everyday that he should have the privilege to get drunk and I need to have sex w/him every night. It's nonsense and I understand how you could be mentally and emotionally drained. The only honest opinion I could give you is to stand up for yourself and if you can't take it anymore and want to leave, then do it. I am intimidated by my husband and his criticism just tears me down and makes me feel like crap, which I think is his goal to keep me w/him! You will figure out what you really want to do eventually b/c a person can take mental and emotional strain for only so long. It's just not right.
@TransAm85 *raised (grrr... auto correct)
@ivoryBunny7465
Edited it for you!
@HalliwellSister...thank you 😊😆
@ivoryBunny7465
you are welcome!
What I don't understand is why woman wants a man to change?
I suppose in modern days we humans are becoming more materialistic than spiritual.
I have found it is always difficult to draw a conclusion based on incomplete facts.
16 years is definitely a long time but having said that it doesn't mean that what you are experiencing is something your significant other is not experiencing.
It's easy to explore the option of break up but consequences can be devastating. Especially in cases where kids are involved. So before making such extreme choices please do consider legal matters, financial impact and psychological trauma to entire family.
If it's a rude behavior than there has to be a reason, start focusing first on your communication skills as effective communication can result into collaboration and collaboration leads to success.
Find out what is causing a rude behavior. is it your life style, start focusing on similarities and favorite. Come on that man gives his 16 years with you as well isn't it?
I understand often we need a shoulder where we could achieve a relief but please don't ignore facts. We are mortal, yes it's sad but it is the demand of mother nature.
Look for solutions as our world is full of problem creator than problem solvers.
Hi @ivoryBunny7465!
It's difficult to answer the question of whether ot not the behaviour is 'normal' or not; as mentioned in another reply, for him and others, this may be totally normal. However, it may not be the *healthiest* way to deal with emotions generally, and definitely in a relationship. Ideally, a relationship would have a balance in support from both sides, and a fair amount of empathy and sympathy should probably be present as well. It sounds like he actively refuses to support you when you are going through a hard time, and that can be very draining and isolating. When we choose someone, and choose to stay with them and live with them, that's a great thing, as we get to have all the best of them and the best of what a relationship can offer. However, we are also choosing the more negative aspects, and choosing to deal with them. Avoidance can be very damaging. There have been some great questions posted here to think about, so I won't repeat any of them. I hope you find some peace of mind and a way forward in the emotional landscape of your relationship, and I hope you find some measure of support here on 7 cups. I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, and to answer your last questions, you're definitely not alone in these feelings!
@WildUnknown Thank you for your perspective on my situation. Turns out that because of yrs of avoiding anything...me ...the house. ..his kids....he is simply choosing not to engage. The years have accumulated to resentment fir him now because he is not living life and the realization of that has costed me a lot. Thanks for your help and insight. 💟💟💟
@ivoryBunny7465 It could be that he simply does not know how to comfort you, and instead of trying the simply leaves you alone, afraid he would make things worse... I dont know :( talking is what I would suggest, but I am sure you already tried that :(
@Ladybug11 Thanks for your help💟💟No...I know it's because he chooses to sit back and do nothing about nothing. Because....he would have to do something.. I don't know. ...just worn out.
@ivoryBunny7465 Maybe you have a better chance of getting the support you need from friends :( Some men really dont know how to support our emotions :(
@Ladybug11 No one...people can see what's going. They run...cause its too messy for them. So flying solo. Funny how life shows its true colors...you open up to people who you think you can trust and would have your back. ...only to find they're no where .Thanks do much for your support- if we didn't have this site...who knows .