I did my best
My ex left me a month ago. He was saying I’m the love of his life, that I would be the perfect wife. I tried. I did all of the cooking, cleaning, errands, grocery shopping, took out the garbage, brought his water and meals to him in bed, got him dressed (put his clothes on for him) and took him to his doctor’s appointments, picked up his prescriptions… like I mean I did everything. He lied in bed all day. I had to help him shower. He lashed out at me that everything was my fault and I ruined his life. I know that’s a lie.
He did not talk to anyone else. I had to get rid of all of the wine and his scotch, and I had to keep hiding the scissors. He cut himself in front of me just to terrify me. He passed out drunk and trashed the apartment. Then he blamed me. I tried to clean everything up, but it wasn’t fast enough or perfect enough. He broke the broom, and I didn’t find the time to replace it.
He was hurting me sexually and I begged him to stop and he yelled at me to just marry a gay guy if I don’t like sex. He was about to jump off the roof of his building because another man flirted with me. I had him get taken to the hospital.
He left me and I feel so vulnerable. I feel like nothing I do is ever enough. I’m exhausted from what he put me through. I already had PTSD. I am Bipolar 1. He also brought back my eating disorder by telling me that the medication I’m on for my Bipolar Disorder? “My friend got obese on that!” And I took it so seriously (even though he’s obese, himself). I went off my meds, was manic and psychotic, and my eating disorder came back. I got taking the meds again. 3 months of being manic is enough!
And I’m so alone. Especially at night. I miss him constantly.
and I realize these feelings of unworthiness, insecurities, that I don’t do anything right? From my alcoholic narcissistic mother. And my ex was the same way. They both treated me like I was a child! I don’t know how to get over this.
@emilyv93
I can hear that you are having a really hard time right now and I'm glad that you came here to chat!
I'm sorry to hear that your ex left you. I can imagine that must have been super difficult. It sounds like you did a really great job at being there for him and helping him out when he needed it. Did he deal with depression? Is that why he was in bed?
I'm sorry to hear that you had to hide things from him and you saw him cutting himself. That must have been very traumatic to watch.
I'm also sorry to hear that he was hurting you sexually. No one has the right to do that to you, even if you're in a relationship with them. I can imagine that this trauma stays with you to this day. Are you getting support with that?
Missing him is completely normal. He was a big part of your life and now that he isn't there, it must be very strange. You said you have a hard time particularly on a night. Do you have any friends or family that you could stay with until you can get back up on your feet?
Hey, thanks for the reply.
My ex was wonderful at first. I think he’s had PTSD after something happened in June. I have a lot of reasons why I think he was sexually assaulted in June. He was saying concerning things and he has all of the symptoms of male-presenting PTSD. So I have been patient with him. I am taking the blame because I know it is easier for him to blame me than to admit what happened.
I am extremely traumatized from a lot of what he’s been doing to me. I am trying to reach out for help. I am having a hard time finding help.
I am back at my mom’s house right now. I hate her. She makes me feel just as horrible about myself. I can’t deal with this
@emilyv93
Great to hear from you 🙂
PTSD can be super hard, especially if both people in the relationship have it. It can cause a lot of emotions to build and a lot of miscommunications.
I'm sorry to hear about what happened to him in June. I can imagine that must have had a very big impact on him and his life.
It sounds like you have been very very patient with him. But remember, just because someone is going through something it doesn't mean they can treat you poorly 💗 You deserve respect and to be treated right.
What kind of help would you think would be good for you right now? Do you think counseling or do you have any friends/family that you could talk to?
I'm sorry that you're not feeling supported where you're living right now. Having family who don't get it is hard.
hey, i’m sorry that you feel this way and about what you’re going through. from what you have written i can see that you have done everything you could, and you have done more than enough for him. the reason that he left you isn’t because you haven’t done enough but because of the mental state he’s in, which clearly isn’t a stable or healthy one. he has abused you physically and emotionally, so it’s most likely for the better that he has left you. i understand that it’s very painful for you and that you miss him a lot, but trust me, you will get through the pain, even though it might seem impossible. you deserve someone who loves you in return for all the effort you put in and not someone who instead just blames you and especially not someone who abuses you. please stay safe, you’re loved and i’m sure that you will find someone who will give you the love you need❤️
It sounds like you dodged an absolute bullet! I don't know either of you, but his traits and behaviors make him sound like quite the narcissist. Take the time to heal and focus on yourself. Don't try to fill the void with another partner right now, even though it probably would be easy to. Love will come eventually and hopefully with someone who treats you well, because you deserve that and nothing less. Let him go and DO NOT take him back if he comes back and begs, which he probably will.
I believe that he will beg me to take him back, too. I know that he told me that no one was so nurturing or supportive to him before. He had too many exes who fought to get him back but they didn’t touch him the way I did or support him the way I did. His exes just liked the love-bombing attention, but they would tell him straight up, “you let yourself go. You’re a fat old man now. Not even if you were the last man on earth”. But they liked the attention.
But he is a trans man. Used to be a butch lesbian. Identifies as a straight man now. Straight women don’t touch him with a ten foot pole. But he thinks he belongs with straight women. And he complained that the way I sleep with him is “too lesbian”. Like lesbians fought for a long time to have sex the way we have sex. We have the right!! He got *** off that I liked this café where the staff are all in the LGBT community but I told him, “it’s walking distance from the apartment and they have gluten-free cupcakes. I am gluten-intolerant. But yeah I love how gay the staff are, too! That’s a bonus!”
as for me, yeah, I am noticed by others. I didn’t believe him at first. I told my ex, “when I went to my cousin’s party, my cousin introduced me to a man who wanted to talk to me. An hour later, I asked my cousin, ‘did you introduce me to that guy just because we’re both gay?’” And my ex said that the man was wanting to talk to me because he was interested. So I wasn’t aware of these things at all. But I was also really faithful to my ex. I really tried
It's not your job to unload his baggage for him; he needs to do that himself. I'm all about supporting the LGBTQ+ population. However, there are very real consequences to every choice we make—gay or straight. He needs to learn how to love himself. It sounds like the transition made things worse instead of better. I can't imagine how it feels to be uncomfortable in your own skin, even after taking such extreme measures. But, like I said, these are things he needs to hash out on his own. He isn't looking for a partner; he's looking for a caretaker who can meet his emotional needs without worrying about theirs in return.
Transitioning makes a lot of trans people even more insecure. And his parents are in an abusive marriage and they abused him and his brother. He used so many of the same lines on me that his father used on his mother.
He triggered my restrictive eating disorder and he has an ex who was bulimic and he triggered that, too. He had so many exes who were rape victims and had issues with their parents. Like dude is a nut job
My best advice would be to look out for #1 (yourself). Be courteous, but don't invest anymore of your emotions into him. If you feel scared or if he threatens to harm you or himself for any reason, then it might be time to get law enforcement involved.
I’m actually so done. I’m reaching a breaking point. Thinking back a lot of his complaints were ridiculous. Like even if I did something better than he did. And he complained that the way I ate him out was “too lesbian” because he is that delusional. I am always either too much or not enough. That’s on him
@emilyv93
I'm dying from cancer. My family packed up and left me. But I want to live. God has you here for a reason. Nobody should ever want to di.e. Life is too precious. Please understand. There are a lot of bad things going on in this world. But it could always be worse. Be happy that you are alive fight to stay that way
This sounds like a very traumatic and abusive relationship for you. I'm so sorry. It's ok to miss him but I am so glad you are out. I hope you can focus on healing and strongly consider professional help or support groups.
@emilyv93
I understand, it's hard for you. Stay strong and there's more good to happen. So be positive. Hugs
Missing him is completely normal. We’re human beings, but we still have that pack mentality in us. I’m going through something extremely similar, currently taking a break from packing the home I worked so hard for for us. He is having what I believe is some sort of SSRI withdrawal psychosis and has become so paranoid and has taken it out on the closest thing to him, me.
Despite the mental and emotional abuse. The mind games, the gaslighting, I’m still grieving him. I’m grieving the loss of my husband and that’s totally normal. I miss him, but I miss a version of him that doesn’t exist and isn’t available to me any more. Changing as a person is normal too, but we’re supposed to grow and be better, especially when there’s a partner involved.
We both deserve better. We deserve to be treated better, to be recognized as equals in a relationship, and to be loved without being let down. You are worthy of that love and I am too ❤️