25 years married and going downhill by the day
Hello,
Need some advice and opinions.
I am 56 married for 26 yrs, 2 beautiful girls with a husband who does not how to love us. His parents never loved him, held him or hugged him, never said I love you so he does not know how to.
We were married in 1 month, more lust and love and have led a moslty loveless marriaige until now. I got busy with my girls who are now in their 20's and are onto finding their own loves. They were my life, as I had no family where I live. So I think I alienated my husband and he got used to looking after himeself. He is great at doing stuff for us, driving long distance, doing all of my housework, laundry and paying most of our bills, as I have been ill for sometime and unable to work.
I had no family where I live so I wanted to depend on his family, but they did not like him so they abandoned us. I lived through it and managed to sort our lives and succeeded until now. We are now left to deal with each other, and he does not want anything to do with me. Because his family abandoned us I would take it out on him and he did not like that. So held it against me until now when he has spoken up and tells me stuff he has not said for the past 25 years.
It all came to this when he got a new job and has met this lady who was there before him, so she showed him the ropes, etc, and he was grateful to her. But she started calling our home at 1am in the morning just to gossip about their colleagues. I did not know about it coz I used to be asleep. He is a night own while I am an early bird, so we have different sleep patterns.
Something told me all was not right, coz he suddenly changed many things in his life, dressing, putting on perfume, would snipe at me if I asked him simple questions. So I checked our phone bill, and find these 2 have been talking to each other when I or the kids were not home, sometimes in the early hrs of the morning. Then she quit to find another job which would pay more, and he decided to join her, and got the job, only for me to find out that they will be driving 1.5 hrs each way to work a night shift. and then work 8 hrs together. So I put an end to it and he has been sulking ever since.
Tells me he is not having an affair with her, but they gossip about stuff. I heard the way they talk to each other and he does not talk to me like that. I believe he is not but it could lead to one, so I ended it. Ever since he has shut up on me, won't talk much nor tell me stuff. Tells me I should find a life, a job and mind my own business, and he will mind his own.
So I started questioning him, why is he so angry is something bothering him. Then came the truth.
Tells me he is fed up with my yelling, shouting, blaming his family for everything. Tells me he does not want to be intimate ( he has never every held my hand, nor hugged me or the kids, or even held me to comfort me when I fell down many times and ended up in the ER), so I got used to it. The kids actually compensated for it, and we 3 love hugging and holding each other, and I am thankfull they are loving and beautiful kids.
At this point in our lives when we are about to be retired, I want to be comforted, held and loved because that is a person I am, and he is not willing to do so. He says he is not that person and will not change. Even went on to say to find someelse if I want to have sex, coz he does want to have it with me.
I am not saying I am perfect. I can be a Bit8H, but that came from all the anger and non stop 24/7 work I had to put in to bring the kids up alone, while he worked. For some years I also worked and managed to pick them up, bathe them look after them cook for them and take them to school while he did the laundry and housework.
As a person, he is angry ( actually lost a job because the Manager thought he needed anger management) arrogant, not loving, and abuses us in public. I slowly put a shell around me all these years just to survive. But now I don't think I can manage to live in a loveless marraige.
Me as a person, I am laidback, generous, loving, loves a good laugh, loves people, and generally loves the fine things in life. My parents were very liberal and so I sometimes think I am still single, and make decisions without asking him, which I think he can't handle. But the right decisions, and so far there have been no issues.
Until I think (my intuition tells me) this lady is discussing our life with him and telling him, this is what he should say and do. I feel he has met someone he can talk to and find answers to stuff he did not know what do about in the past.
He is not a talker, while I am very chatty, and will keep the conversation going just to get some answers.
I know he did love me at some point, and he does love the kids, But the kids noticed how he treats me and won't and dont want anything to do with him if we leave each other. On a trip to Italy, he and the kids went, he drove them up the wall, and they actually used to leave him and disappear so they could loose him in the crowd. I was sorry for sending them with him, and that he ruined their holiday.
So I am in a fix.
I need your opinions and advice on what my next step should be.
@dove22 Hi! I'm sorry you're having a tough time in your marriage. Sounds like you've raised two great kids, though, so congratulations on that! It sounds like a lot of resentment has built up and calcified on both sides over the years. I can understand that from experience.
His friend is not a constructive part of the equation right now, so I'm glad you've persuaded him to give that a break. It seems like you're asking whether you should continue with the marriage, and it's hard to give advice about that - but both of you have a lot of years left and deserve to be happy, it seems to me. Maybe the fact that he's communicating with you for the first time in 25 years is a good sign - unfortunately it kind of sounds like he's checked out. Do you think there's any way to keep the lines of communication open, to find out if there's anything there to save? Is he willing, perhaps, to seek counseling with you?
Sorry, just noticed you used present tense when describing his relationship with the friend as though they are still talking - maybe a first step is he agrees to cut her off and you agree to start including him in 'decisions', both of which I think are pretty reasonable?
@BurkeDevlin
Thanks again.
He is not the "seek counseling" type, coz he is one of those that thinks nothing is wrong with him. But he does disect everything I say to him, coz the next day he will do what I say he has not done before.
I am including him in everything I do and am going to hope for the best. I don't know if hope really works, but a change is definitely in the works.
Or if he really checks out, I guess my only option is to find someone who will love me and I can love back. Coz in our old age, all we need is company and unconditional love. All the money and material stuff does not matter if one is in a loveless marraige.
Thank you.
@BurkeDevlin
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. It means a great deal to me.
Yes, I think he has checked out, and felt I never cared about him all these years, so he was used to living like that.
I kept myself busy with the kids - its a lot of work, and so I guess I did not notice how he was maybe hurt in the process. But he has been independent before I met him, so he managed.
I did ask him to stop talking to this lady, and I am hoping he will. She is married with no kids, and I feel she has nothing to do most of the time. So has found him to be her past time to share her daily life. I gather her husband also work night shifts, so they have no life. He did mention he does not talk to her, but from work they both can, and she lives near his work, which is a bummer coz she comes to visit her old pals. Ever since he began this job 6 months ago, his attitude towards us has changed.
He does talk a lot more now, because I am questioning him everyday. We never really had a serious conversation until now, I dont know why. I think I just got used to be treated that way and put a shell around me, my first priority were the kids. But now they are in their 20's they have their own life, though they include me and tell me everything about their lives, which is a bonus for me. I am very frank with them and they even question him on things. So that is a good thing.
My problem is with him not wanting to be intimate with me, do you think he is finding the same elsewhere? I can't tell with him, coz he is very sneaky. Before we got married, he had many relationships where even his close friends did not know about.
For me I need to hug and hold each other like any normal couple, and he is not that type. I am in 2 minds to even continue this marraige. But we have a lot invested in it, and it can be expensive to seperate where I live.
He is also on heart medications, and works night shifts, both of which do not do much in the intimate settings, and is also 10 years older than me. But is active, and very charming to other ladies. That pisses me off, and I start to remember stuff and snipe at him for silly things.
The good thing about this situation right now, is both of us are not yelling and shouting at each other. I told him it was not good for the kids, and we need to get our act together. And he says he has decided not to say too much, coz I fly off the handle too quickly. So for the past 10 days it has been unreal, and very different. I am guessing I do not have all the stuff with the kids etc, and am now much calmer and do not get angry as much. Also I have decided to forgive his family as his mother will be 90 next month and we are meeting his family after at least 6 years all together in one place. I feel much better now that I have decided to forgive him and them. Don't know if it is for my own peace, but yes it has made a difference in my life.
From how he has been for the past few days, I see a big change in him, and he includes me in everything he does, and whereever he goes. I think I am going to take it slow, as this is a huge change for both of us. And I need to change too and feel our marraige is worth saving. As long as he is not seeing anyone else. If I do find out that he is, it will be over between us.
So thank you for replying.
@dove22 Hi! I'm so glad to read that you're feeling hopeful, and that you've seen a little change in him lately. It sounds like you're really making an honest effort, and I applaud you for that. All those things you say you want out of life - love, affection, intimacy - you totally have a right to all of that, and maybe he would like those things too, but is one of those people who can't show it very well? It seems like there are a number of barriers that need to be broken down between you two, and maybe that's started, with you forgiving him and his family (I hope that is a big weight off for you too!).
I thought counseling might help, not to imply there's anything wrong with him (or you!), but just to help you communicate better. It feels like you're both a little 'dug in', and maybe someone else could break the jam a little in a non-judgmental way.
As far as his extracurriculars....hmm. I do know other men, including myself, who are not in the happiest of marriages, but still won't cross that line. So it's not like 'everyone does it' and I certainly wouldn't assume that he is. It could be that he's just getting a little personal validation from that other person and no more. Do you think if you simply asked him, he could look you in the eye and lie about it?
Just a thought, but do you have any common interests or hobbies - even as simple as liking the same TV show - you could re-build a bond around? Maybe things you used to like to do together before you had kids?
I'm really rooting for you, and I hope you'll post here whenever you feel you've something you'd like to say.
Have a great night!
@BurkeDevlin
Thanks and good to hear from you. I am sorry you are in the same sort of situation. I do hope things get better for you.
For me I don't know really what is going to happen. I will take 1 day at a time and see how things are in the next couple of months. If he sticks by what he says, that he is not seeing anyone, I will try and work things out. But for some reason - and I have a great intuitive sense, I feel he does like someone, who has not yet reciprocrated or does not know that he is interested and he is waiting for the right time to make his move. He did say this lady is not interested in him, does not mean he is not interested. Or it could be some else he has met and has not told me about. And 100% of the time, I am usually right. My mum used to be like that, and I got it from her. Whatever she said came to be true. Or, I could just be imagining things. For me I believe what has to happen will happen, so I have decided to just let it go and better myself. Joined a gym, am going to get working soon, and get the kids settled very soon hopefully and enjoy myself. If he can't appreciate me and what I have to offer, I am sure there is someone out there for me.
For the past many years, my Mum was my anchor and both my parents passed away within a month of each other a few yrs ago. And I have been grieving since. My brother also passed away many years ago. My one sister is abroad. So the kids have now become my everything. And they treat me the same. So he sometimes feels left out, coz my kids and me have this bond that he is not part of. He never made an attempt to try and be their pal like I am, coz he did not know how. I blame his parents for everything. They ruined a good human being.
Personally, he is the opposite of me. Very neat, does all my housework, a good worker, very accurate, has a great finance background, and saves all his money, while I am the opposite. But also has a mean streak, can hold a grudge forever, and is aloof and cold towards anyone who say anything to him that he does not agree about. Can't cook though. I cared for the kids from the day they were born, and I put them first before anyone in my life. I feel if one has kids they need to be a priority until they can care for themselves. I had to stay home for about 10 yrs so I could care for them, and he thinks I should be like other women who juggle career and home life. I did not want that for them, for sitters to be their mothers. I think he has held that against me, and many other things and it has been really hard for him to speak up, as I am a very assertive and outspoken person, and I speak my mind if I have to. His family did not want anything to do with us, so I had to be a full time Mom to them. And I had no family here.
He sure can hold a grudge, and I told him so the other day. For me I speak up, let things so and forget about them and move on.
Yes, you are right. He did say he is not having an affair. Calls my mind twisted. I think I assume the worst, but he gave me cause to think so.
He continues with our daily life like nothing has changed. And does plan things together. Coz I told him, when was the last time you ever held the kids or me, or made time for us. He can watch TV for hours and not worry about the kids. I do all the errands and he has gotten used to it. I am also better at juggling all of our lives and now that I am interested in him helping me out or doing things with the kids he thinks we should be doing our own stuff.
Says one day to hurt me, mind you own business and I will mind my own. Asked him what does that mean? Why are we together, then says ok lets get divorced. So I said do you want an open marraige? He is not good at conversations and will say anything to hurt me, and get back at me. Next day acted as nothing had been said. I can't really figure him out after so many years together. He can be a recluse when you need to get some information out of him. Speaks only what has to be said.
He feels he needs to retire now and not work. But we got married late in life and the kids still need out support financially. I would have worked 2 jobs if I could, and am planning to do so now. Just so I can not have my kids struggle in life and help them settle down. I think he feels he works, while I am at home just doing nothing. For the past few months, his answer to anything I said would be - find a job, or buy that when you get your own job. Always about money. His Mum told me many years ago that all he thought about was money, even though he had enough, it was never enough for him. He is now out to get what my parents left me. I can't imagine I even married him for thinking like this. Told him last week. Money is nothing if you don't have love in your life, if you kids know you don't hug them and love them. It sure got to him, and he has started hugging the kids.
He is slowly opening up and communicating. Sometimes just to be mean and hurtfull he can shut people off. I blame all of that on his parents who never loved him. It is sad and I feel sorry for him sometimes. To not love and hold a child is the worst thing that can happen to that child.
I had the opposite childhood, with loving parents, who gave me the world and spoilt me. And I think I am still that brat, and sometimes can be a real Bi*c^. But I am getting better and am looking for forgiveness for alienating him for the past many years. I think I got so obsessed with giving my girls all of me that I forgot he even existed. I have no family where I live and so I had to be stronger to be there 24/7 for my girls. Both of us have never left them to go out to parties etc, for at least 15 yrs since they were born. If the kids were not invited we would not attend.
I don't think he will go to counselling. He is arrogant enough to think that all of this is my fault, no job, no worries, always say your ill, likes to spend too much, these are his sentences most of the time.
Will continue. Thanks for listening.
@BurkeDevlin
Just a quick one.
It's 1am and I can't sleep. He's off the next 2 days, so asked him to hold my hand. Says I'm tired and need to sleep. So would not let him sleep. Tells me there is nothing wrong. I just don't want to do anything or be intimate. I'm getting old and just not interested, and maybe need to see a doctor. I don't believe it, coz he keeps himself in shape, excercises every morning, and make sure he's fit. So definitely not feeling the 'Im old' line. There is something he does not want to tell me yet, or can't get himself to say it.
I'm wondering what else I could do to make him just even hold my hand? That is not much to ask. Says why are you forcing me to do so?
Told him, I can't believe what I got myself into. You've f*&ked up my life. No answer. He's a pro at that. Never answers. Asked him do you hate me that much? No answer. Tells me go to sleep, read a romantic novel, or do something else. It's 1am. Sad, Sad, Sad.
I'm going to see a lawyer tomorrow, and find out what I can do.
I don't think he will ever love me or be intimate, he does like our lifestyle, where he gets everything on a platter, so he does not want to rock the boat just yet I think. He's waiting for the rigth time, where I will get so fed up with him and leave him. So he can put the blame on me, that I left him.
What do you think? Is he really tired, or just faking it?
Sorry to be a bother. I'm going crazy with these ups and downs. I thought he being off for the next 2 days would be a change.
Thanks again.
@dove22 Good morning! Sorry about the emotional roller coaster, and don't worry, you're definitely not a bother. I'm happy to read anything you feel you need to get out.
From what you're telling me, I honestly don't think your husband is a bad guy, and it sounds like you don't either, since you honestly seem to want to work it out with him. If I had to guess, I don't think he's disintersted in intimacy per se, but I also don't have any reason to think he's keeping secrets from you. It sounds to me like he may have some pent-up resentment that he has a hard time expressing. You are different - when something's on your mind, you say it, it gets resolved, and then you let it go. It sounds like when something is on his mind, he is not so good at that, but those feelings have to go somewhere, so they sit and smoulder inside - and occasionally come out as bursts of anger. I wish that he could talk to someone about it. (The female co-worker is not a good choice.)
Forgive me if I tread heavily here, but it sounds to me that the two of you have goals and priorities that don't always align, and it also sounds like for most of your marriage, you've mostly had things your way as far as lifestyle and life choices. Is that fair to say? Is it possible that he's having a hard time with being in his mid-sixties and not being able to retire? I would feel frustrated in that situation, too. You've said that you're looking for a job to help out - I would think he would take that very positively and maybe with the kids grown there are ways you can agree to downsize a little bit to take the pressure off of him?
Withholding affection may be his only way of sort-of communicating to you how he feels. Do you know what I mean? Not saying that's healthy, but he's not as good at conversation as you and others are. With regard to the future, maybe it's fair to ask him very frankly if he's given up, so that no one's wasting their time. Is there anything you can do or say to make the next 25 years much better than the first 25 have been? And if he can open up about that, then you can decide if those things fit with your own goals and values.
I'm proud of you for taking a shot to save your marriage. Forgiving his family was a big step for you, and sounds like it can't have been easy. My very best wishes to you all. If you need to vent, always feel free.
@BurkeDevlin
Hey, Thanks a lot, you hit the nail on the head.
He finally said he's tired of working for the past 45 years. That all he wants is to sit by some beach and relax, instead he has to work at this age, and that the burden of our bills (pays all of the bills and our kids too - even thought they work) are too much for him to bear alone. I told him we married late, and if one has kids it is the parents duty to see that they are settled into adulthood and not abandoned. I am hoping things work out jobwise for me and it would help him out too. I realize the burden was huge for him and he did not ever tell me to find a job when I was with the kids and is not like me, who can comprehend and multitask at work so he does have a hard time even working at his job. Though he is very intelligent and has the best work ethic of anyone I have yet to meet.
Yes - he has pent up that anger against his parents who belted him he told me coz he was trouble growing up, and has held that against them and me and I have done the same. The other day I told him I am sure you will take your grudges to your grave. He is a thinker like my 1 girl and I know he rethinks and analizes everything I say or tell him. And so I do see an effort on his side to make sure he does not do stuff I say he has done all these years.
But I feel he is now calmer and told me he has decided not to say anything coz it upsets me to a point I go crazy in front of the kids, and he does not want to hurt the kids. Everytime he is rude or mean to me, I retrieve in my shell and won't come out for a couple of days especially with him. With the kids we are both social, me more than him. His parents ruined any chances of a loving marriage for me.
You are also right in saying he has done everything I wanted all of our marraige. I plan every step of his life. I even manage his gmail account. I'm now realizing I am the problem and definitely need help, before it gets worse. He is generous enough to not want to even look at his gmail account. His thing is to watch movies and TV. He is not tech savvy and we do not own cell phones, just to keep costs down.
Yes I have realized the burden of our bills is too high for him, and am in the process of finding a couple of jobs. My girls now look after themselves, and I've told him to work another couple of years until my 1 daughter does her Masters, and we will be good.
I am hoping he opens up and starts caring for me. Coz even though our life has gotten better and we do not snipe anymore to each other, I don't think I could live the next 20 years without being intimate with my partner - so I am looking to see who I can meet until then I will work towards it and be a good human being. I am very spiritual and pray daily and somehow all goes well in my life, only my relationship with him is in trouble. But that too may change, miracles do happen. So will keep you updated.
It's been a couple of weeks, I can't believe I have not ranted about something or the other. Even my girl who lives at home, is wondering what we both are upto? They were so used to our rants, and I think being a perfectionist and so is he, I was a real Bit*h. We have been on vacations every year and every one has been disastrous. Mostly us sniping at each other for anything and everything. He thinks he is right and I don't give in.
Something just snapped in me this time, and I've decided to change for the better. Those that know me from when younger will be shocked to know what I have turned into and what went on in the past 15+ years in our home. I am not that type. I am funny, I love and am generous with my relationships. My parents used to say I was a perfect child. So do my friends. My 1 girl is a copy of me. Their teachers always told me during their school years, that both were good souls. Greatest compliment. Another person at one of my girls work, told me the other day - "Thank you for giving birth to her". My kids see and have known the real me, but my husband has illtreated me time and again, and I just gave it back to him. Only he never had anyone before tell him back, so he could not handle me. His mother, father and siblings are terrified of him, and never cross his path.
I can't believe I am writing all this in the open, but hey at my age I don't really care who knows. I am going to live the life I want, come what may and know there is someone out there who will accept me for who I am.
I hope you and your family are doing well, and if you want to vent please feel free to do so. I am very good at breaking down things, troubleshooting and solving problems.
Thanks for your replies. You are good listener and sure hit the nail on the head.
Thanks again from Beautiful Ontario - land of 250,000 freshwater lakes.
@BurkeDevlin
I too wish that he could talk to someone about it. and I am hoping that female co-worker disappears from our lives and I is definitely not a good choice.
She is married with no kids and both of them work shifts which can ruin marraiges, so I think they rarely spend time with each other or he has his own guy friends and so she has found refuge in my husband who will listen and chat with any married lady. All of his jobs he had found women to latch onto. I asked him why? why can't you have guy friends?
I am hoping she finds someone at her new job to latch onto and that will be the end of her. In fact I pray for it everyday.
She has stopped calling our home, coz I told him to do so, but I don't know if he speaks with her from work.
Recenly he found out that conversations may be recorded at work, and he is in a panic. I once told him, if you are fooling around you will be caught. I don't have to lift a finger to find out. Which normally happens, they somehow get caught.
Everynow and then I suddenly start thinking about what they may be chatting about and get all anxious. Haven't slept well in the past many weeks. And I am a very good sleeper, nothing bothers me, coz my heart is very honest and pure. Mum always told me so, and she was the same. But this has thrown my life into a spin. I imagine the worst, how they could be meeting near his work, etc. and stuff.
Life can suck, but I am going to believe him when he says he has nothing going on.
Time will tell and he will get caught if he is and then it will be too late.
Coz I have realized I am going to find happiness with or without him. Life is short and I need someone who can love and my girls for who we are.
Thanks for listening. Have a good night.
@BurkeDevlin
Hope your day goes well.
http://www.drdougweiss.com/blog/intimacy-anorexia/does-your-spouse-have-intimacy-anorexia/
Just wanted to share something I came across on the internet, about people who are ‘Intimacy anorexics'.
Intimacy anorexics do really well at the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, says Dr Weiss. ‘Theyre great at the chase and the capture, but after marriage they shut down and begin to withhold love, sex and attention.
So are you an intimacy anorexic, or married to one? If you can tick five or more of the following, you may have a problem.
BEING BUSY
The first characteristic of an intimacy anorexic is being so busy they have little time for their spouse. Perhaps they travel all the time, are always doing housework, focus on the children or bury themselves in work, or local projects.
BLAMING
When an issue comes up in the marriage, the intimacy anorexic blames the spouse in order to avoid looking flawed or less than perfect.
WITHHOLDING LOVE
‘The intimacy anorexic already knows how the spouse wants to be loved, says Dr Weiss, ‘Otherwise theyd never have managed to get hitched in the first place.
WITHHOLDING PRAISE
‘All of us have positive qualities. Intimacy anorexia, over time, closes this positive vision and tends to focus on the flaws of the spouse, says Dr Weiss. ‘I made his favourite chocolate cake many times and he says nothing, is one example offered by Nancy, wife of an intimacy anorexic. ‘His sister made it once and he praised her all night.
WITHHOLDING SEX
The most obvious behaviour. ‘I have counselled a couple who didnt have sex for 20 years, although they slept in the same bed, says Dr Weiss.
WITHHOLDING EMOTIONS
This means having difficulty sharing feelings, refusing to talk about hopes and thoughts about the relationship.
CRITICISING
An emotional anorexic will indulge in constant low-grade put-downs of the spouse, regularly pointing out their weak points. ‘The intimacy anorexic will be much faster at making a list of whats wrong about their spouse than what is amazing.
MAINTAINING DISTANCE
Anger or silence to push away, punish or control the spouse. Some are able to go weeks without talking to their other half.
MONEY AS A WEAPON
Intimacy anorexics might keep the spouse ignorant of their finances, or keep them short of money. Or, they use it to control their spouse. ‘Their attitude is, I buy you everything, so dont complain about a lack of intimacy, love or sex, says Dr Weiss.
********All of the above seems to be my life for the past 25 years....
Whats particularly damaging about this form of addiction is that the effect on the partner is worse than on the addict themselves, says Dr Weiss.
‘The spouse suffers tremendously — they often gain weight, they lose their self-esteem and they become depressed.
In order not to allow themselves to be destroyed by this behaviour, some spouses adapt to become intimacy anorexic themselves. ‘Either way is really painful.
And to add insult to injury, because the intimacy anorexics behaviour has transformed their spouse into an angry, depressed or insecure individual, the emotional anorexic is then able to play the victim to outsiders, and use it to create still more distance between them and their suffering spouse.
‘I had one female intimacy anorexic client who hadnt had sex with her husband for eight months and couldnt understand why he was so angry. Talk about denial.
If youre unlucky enough to be married to an intimacy anorexic, that doesnt mean your relationship is necessarily doomed. ‘Ive seen couples who havent had sex in ten years and, within six weeks, they were having sex, says Dr Weiss.
*****There's hope for me...LOL
He recommends following a 12-step process similar to that used by Alcoholics Anonymous, and insists on a programme of daily repetition of several key strategies to reintroduce intimacy into the relationship.
‘You need to share two feelings with your spouse every day, pay two compliments and have a spiritual connection, he says.
http://www.drdougweiss.com/blog/intimacy-anorexia/does-your-spouse-have-intimacy-anorexia/
Thanks again.
@dove22 First let me congratulate you (and your husband) for being the only person I know who does not have a cell phone. 
I'm not being the slightest bit sarcastic - my cell phone annoys me and if I could get away with not having one, I wouldn't either. Go you! On a more serious note, it makes me happy to read how well your kids turned out. You should be very proud. I hope that when my kids are adults, I'll have the same kind of relationship with mine.
One interesting thing - I don't really have anyone I'd call a 'friend' in a real sense, but like your husband I tend to enjoy the company of married women in casual social settings, although nothing inappropriate. Certainly none of them call my house at 1AM! I have male acquaintances too but I enjoy a woman's perspective in conversation sometimes, and it's sometimes a more relaxed interaction when there's nothing 'on the table' so to speak. I don't know if I explained that well, but I think you get it.
I also want to say that I am very impressed with your self-reflection lately. I'm glad your husband seems to be calming down and I hope he reacts well and things thaw out. I love how you talk about 'getting back to the person you used to be'. In some ways I need to do that too. I've let a lot of the stress of the past 5-10 years get to me, age me prematurely, and take me away from the person I used to me, who tried very hard to make people's lives better for having known him. I'm growing bitter and it's hard sometimes to imagine rolling that back. So, thanks for the inspiration!
And thanks for the offer, by the way, I may take you up on that and vent to you at some point. It's all such a long story, I would hardly know where to start! Mostly, there's a lot I need to sort out in my head about who I am now and what I want and need for the rest of my life.
Anyway, very interesting article you quoted - I'm sorry that seems to be your situation, but yes, there is hope!
Have a great night! Hugs and best wishes from the USA!
@BurkeDevlin
Good to hear from you.
You are right, for some reason we never got cell phones and I am glad we did not, though of late he was interested in getting one but does not until I say so, because plans are exp where we live.
I hope you find a way to vent here, its helps, and no one will hold it against you. Being bitter does not pay in the long run. My husband is also bitter from how his childhood was, and how his parents treated him and he has yet to get over many of those things. And look what that has done to him. It is good to let things go, and you even feel better after you have written down stuff on how you feel and what you want to say. You can even write an email, and save it not send it. I have reached out to my 100 cousins I have and many have reached out to me and we chat about stuff back and forth, on what goes on in our lives. Feel free to tell me, I can tell you what I see in those situations.
About married women, I am all for them talking to him and drooling over him, I feel proud that they find him charming. But calling home is a no no. And especially calling and talking behind my back. I am very open with who I talk to at home, and will call them in front of the kids and him. One thing I feel is he does not like for me to see him gossip about colleagues, which I do not, and have told him so, and so I think they talked to each other when I was not there. But that can lead to personal stuff, and I am very private about my daily life especially about my kids and what we are upto. And I do not want him sharing things with her. He is very gullible and honest and can unknowingly tell or reveal some of our personal stuff.
I love men too and men love me too, in fact growing up I had only guys as friends, and men are drawn to me everywhere I go, even the grocery store, and I see him get all worked up, if one even looks at me. But I have drawn the line from going beyond conversations. This woman is lonely and thinks she can have a hold over him, just because she showed him the ropes at work, so he says. I am trying not to think about them at all. Looking forward to working again and making new connections soon. Things are looking up, and once I get there, there may be no turning back. I move on very fast, and look to the postive being an optimistic person.
I feel and believe in destiny. It was destiny that we married and if we are not meant to last, we won't. There is someone out there for me.
You are right about the kids, they are a joy and I love them to death. Keeps me going, and they hug me right back when I need to be comforted, every morning and every night. I hope you have the same bond with your kids when they need and want to tell you anything. I am sure they will, from how you have listened to me. I feel like I have not been able to say all these things for so many years.
Don't let stress age you. Talk to someone or just let it go. If you think about something or someone that did bad to you, they don't and aren't even thinking about you or that situation, their lives are moving on. I don't stress over anything, except if my kids are ill. And that has kept me young and healthy, don't look my age.
Just decided to google one day and came upon this site, and started this convo. Glad to have you to listen to me. Though I feel I have rambled on too much about myself. Hope to hear you from you, if I can help you in anyway and am grateful for your ear.
Have a good night. Its the weekend, my daughters birthday tomorrow, and am proud on how she has turned out. Open up and take care. I will help If I can in anyway.
@dove22 Happy Birthday to your daughter (late)! I hope you and your family had a lovely weekend celebration.
I'm 100% with you about private stuff staying private, by the way. I'm a very private person by nature, and that was something my wife and I worked out even before we got married. She can be very free with information with people she trusts (family and friends), whereas I was never comfortable with people I barely knew being aware of some very intimate details about me. So I know what it can be like to have a loose-lipped, trusting spouse.
Thanks for your offer and don't be surprised if I take you up on that at some point. You seem like an easy person to talk to. Right now I'm sort of doing OK but there are times when I sure feel like airing a few things out, so maybe I will do that under the cloak of this alias. You can always post here if you need an ear as well.
Have a great night!
@BurkeDevlin
Thanks for replying, and I wondered where you had been.
I hope you and your family are well. Do what pleases you most and what you think can help you, but it feels good to write things down.
We had a good long weekend - the sun shone all through and that helps me too. Could have been better, but getting there slowly but surely.
I have asked my family to pray for us. They said leave it in God's hands. And I am. As many days I feel I can't go on this way. And then there seems to be a glimmer of hope, and soon things can change.
I have started to look out for myself first, job, gym, and much more. Caught up on my sleep after nearly 4 weeks of not sleeping too well.
Let me know your alias.......hope you do write soon. It will help you in the long run.
Things are looking up, this could have been a wake up call for me. I had let things stagnate in my life and put everyone else first. Just what mother's do.
You sleep well too.
@BurkeDevlin
Hope you are well and posting somewhere....
We went to his worksmeeting today and I hung out at the local Mall for around 6 hrs while he was busy at this meeting, which is about 10 mts away from his location.
While driving home, he mentioned that he had a lunch break and another mini break at 11am. Asked him what he did during the mini break, he muttered something about going for a walk. It was 42 deg with humidity today, why would be go for a walk in that heat, and he hates the hot weather? Asked him did he? and he ignored my question. Then quickly through me off by saying "oh the other guy walked to the coffee shop and came back all sweaty". Also muttered something about going to find a coffee shop. Did not know what he was saying, and ended the conversation quickly.
Something tells me he went and found a public phone to call her during his mini break at 11am. He got caught when he suddenly mentioned it when I asked him how many breaks did he get and what did he do? Since she ends her night shift at 7am and this location is about 30 minutes away on her drive home, could have met him too, since I was away for at least 5 hrs near the Mall.
Don't know if I should ask him again? Seems petty, but I don't want him discussing personal matters with her. Don't know if he feels the need to tell her everything as soon as it happens, and as I do not have a cell, he calls her up, or she has told him to tell her everything that happens in his life. Something tells me she does, and has a hold over him. She has a very calm mesmerizing voice and he seems to be obsessed with her I think. Or he is looking for some validation from her. To discuss stuff since they both work in the same field.
What do you think I should do? Feel helpless.
On a positive note, we stopped to buy some desert and he actually took some and put it in my mouth, something he has not done in years. We normally share all of our food, coz sometimes servings are so huge we can't finish them alone. But we have never fed each other for the past many years, we used to many years ago.
I think I am going to let it go. No point stressing so much. He is very honest to a point, he will mention his break again and I will suddenly catch him.
If you do decide to read this tonight, please give my your insight. I sometimes think I am too petty, and feel he should have his friends he can call to discuss work problems. But they no longer work for the same firm, and I feel he should not be calling her anymore.
Will wait to hear from you. Hope you are well.
Going to be 42 deg with humidity tomorrow.
Good nite.
@dove22 Hello! 42 degrees...CELSIUS?!? My word, and I thought I was about to suffer in the heat. I keep saying I want to move to Canada because I can't take summers here, guess I'll keep going north until I hit the Yukon. Seriously, hope that breaks soon.
By 'alias', by the way I meant this one, 'Burke Devlin'. I don't have any others, nor a listener account, so on 7 Cups I'll always be me. Or, I should say, I'll always at least be the same person who's not 'me'.
That's nice that you went along with your husband on the trip! About the only way I would enjoy 6 hours in a mall would be if it were 42C outside, but sounds like a nice relaxing day for you.
Hmm...his fast talking does sound a little suspicious, and I suppose in your situation I would wonder as well. So I don't think you're being petty, not at all.
But having said that, I agree with your decision to let it go. I was going to suggest that, and I read on and see you came to the same conclusion. If he did call or briefly meet the woman, he's not going to admit it, and if he didn't, then your asking him again wouldn't be productive. Doesn't sound like too much can have happened anyway.
It's a tough call, because you don't want to be overbearing and make him feel like he can't have friends of the opposite sex. Unfortunately, it's harder because of where your marriage is. If it were more solid it wouldn't be a big deal that he had some connection with this person and she happened to be female. But because you're struggling, it's like anyone else can become a distraction. And while I wouldn't accuse him of having an affair, like I said, I do think he's maybe taken the friendship a little too far, given where you guys are. I don't think you're wrong to ask him to cool it. Just try to give it a little space - like you said, if there's any truth to come out, it'll come out. In the meantime, definitely don't stress it! Keep treating yourself well, as you have been.
Is that helpful, Dove? I hope so. Let me know how things go - take care of yourself, and stay cool!
@BurkeDevlin
Hello again...yes it felt liket hell - the heat and my temper. Which I am trying to do - stay cool on both ends.
Some good news, started my 1st job today, looking to hear from the 2nd job. Excercising more and feeling good too.
Life has become more peaceful at home with either of us not yelling or shouting or arguing. But I want some more answers, what went on, what went wrong, what did I do wrong? And imagining things keeps me awake at night. I am sure not much happened, but he is keeping quiet just so It festers in my mind and I have terrible days and nights. That is his nature.
He is a sneaky one, and will never let on certain things he does. Sometimes gets caught and I let it go, but this woman has gotten under my skin. Since the last 6 months since he started this job he has changed, don't know why either I was not there for him when he struggled when he started this job, or he's just looking to find someone new. Seems fed up with many issues in our lives. And the kids are now all grown up and we are left to deal with ourselves.
His past relationships he has been sneaky and has told me so, how he used to meet them etc. So I anticipate he won't change. Don't know what he did for the last 25 yrs and I never cared. My kids kept me busy. But at this stage in my life, I am either stuck with the person or I move on with someone else. He is 10 yrs older than me, and looks around 48, and this woman could be around 20 yrs younger than him, but could be lonely and no one to talk too and has latched onto him.
I will give him space and I have told him to speak with his doctor to better our relationship. He muttered yes, between being obsessed and watching the Olympics and the US Open Tennis for the past 1 month. His other world is TV, where he can disappear for the whole day sometimes and not say a word to anyone in the house. He was like that growing up and has been like that forever. Only now I want answers asap, as I am a person with little patience, especially when he messes with me.
Tells me I have a big mouth and am a physco, for questioning him about his phone calls. Told him your started the damn thing and are now blaming me? Shut up the whole day and never spoke again. Does not like to hear the truth or is just trying to blame me for not being able to call from home. Coz he loves being home watching TV and call when the rest go out, now he can't and that is really pissing him off.
Everytime we pass the cell phone booths in the mall I can see him look longingly to them to see what he could do to get a cell phone. We will see how that goes.
I am hoping this woman has found someone else to latch onto at her new job, and he has also found a new job, 3 more days at this current place and hopefully this will be on the backburner very soon.
But I may forgive, and forgiven I have the many things he has done to me in the 25 yrs I have been with him, but will never forget, and he will get a taste of his own medicine very soon. Just coz I am a very loyal and faithful person until my feathers are ruffled. And then even I can't recognize myself.
I feel good writing this and hope I am not burderning you too much with my problems.
I actually love the heat until it becomes unbearable. Favourite place in the US - Siesta Key and Key West. Will probably retire at either. With or without him.
The Yukon has many jobs, but no social scene. Canada is becoming very warm compared to when we came here many years ago. We have never had so many 30+ deg days in the past few years, and I am loving it. But my favourite temps are in the 20c. Fall and Spring. I am a Spring baby and so is my temperament and nature.
Thanks again for your advice and insight. It has kept me sane and going through this nightmare. Keep it coming. Have a good weekend!
@dove22 Hi, was just thinking about you. How are you doing?
@dove22
Hi, it sounds like you are in a pretty tough spot. You have been married to your husband for quite some time and have beautiful kids together. It also sounds like you are both going through some life transitions- such as childnre moving out and on and retirement. These changes alone can be tough for couples who have worked togehter for years. It also sounds like this other women in your husbands life is creating quite a bit of tension. Have you too considered marital counseling?
