25 years married and going downhill by the day
Hello,
Need some advice and opinions.
I am 56 married for 26 yrs, 2 beautiful girls with a husband who does not how to love us. His parents never loved him, held him or hugged him, never said I love you so he does not know how to.
We were married in 1 month, more lust and love and have led a moslty loveless marriaige until now. I got busy with my girls who are now in their 20's and are onto finding their own loves. They were my life, as I had no family where I live. So I think I alienated my husband and he got used to looking after himeself. He is great at doing stuff for us, driving long distance, doing all of my housework, laundry and paying most of our bills, as I have been ill for sometime and unable to work.
I had no family where I live so I wanted to depend on his family, but they did not like him so they abandoned us. I lived through it and managed to sort our lives and succeeded until now. We are now left to deal with each other, and he does not want anything to do with me. Because his family abandoned us I would take it out on him and he did not like that. So held it against me until now when he has spoken up and tells me stuff he has not said for the past 25 years.
It all came to this when he got a new job and has met this lady who was there before him, so she showed him the ropes, etc, and he was grateful to her. But she started calling our home at 1am in the morning just to gossip about their colleagues. I did not know about it coz I used to be asleep. He is a night own while I am an early bird, so we have different sleep patterns.
Something told me all was not right, coz he suddenly changed many things in his life, dressing, putting on perfume, would snipe at me if I asked him simple questions. So I checked our phone bill, and find these 2 have been talking to each other when I or the kids were not home, sometimes in the early hrs of the morning. Then she quit to find another job which would pay more, and he decided to join her, and got the job, only for me to find out that they will be driving 1.5 hrs each way to work a night shift. and then work 8 hrs together. So I put an end to it and he has been sulking ever since.
Tells me he is not having an affair with her, but they gossip about stuff. I heard the way they talk to each other and he does not talk to me like that. I believe he is not but it could lead to one, so I ended it. Ever since he has shut up on me, won't talk much nor tell me stuff. Tells me I should find a life, a job and mind my own business, and he will mind his own.
So I started questioning him, why is he so angry is something bothering him. Then came the truth.
Tells me he is fed up with my yelling, shouting, blaming his family for everything. Tells me he does not want to be intimate ( he has never every held my hand, nor hugged me or the kids, or even held me to comfort me when I fell down many times and ended up in the ER), so I got used to it. The kids actually compensated for it, and we 3 love hugging and holding each other, and I am thankfull they are loving and beautiful kids.
At this point in our lives when we are about to be retired, I want to be comforted, held and loved because that is a person I am, and he is not willing to do so. He says he is not that person and will not change. Even went on to say to find someelse if I want to have sex, coz he does want to have it with me.
I am not saying I am perfect. I can be a Bit8H, but that came from all the anger and non stop 24/7 work I had to put in to bring the kids up alone, while he worked. For some years I also worked and managed to pick them up, bathe them look after them cook for them and take them to school while he did the laundry and housework.
As a person, he is angry ( actually lost a job because the Manager thought he needed anger management) arrogant, not loving, and abuses us in public. I slowly put a shell around me all these years just to survive. But now I don't think I can manage to live in a loveless marraige.
Me as a person, I am laidback, generous, loving, loves a good laugh, loves people, and generally loves the fine things in life. My parents were very liberal and so I sometimes think I am still single, and make decisions without asking him, which I think he can't handle. But the right decisions, and so far there have been no issues.
Until I think (my intuition tells me) this lady is discussing our life with him and telling him, this is what he should say and do. I feel he has met someone he can talk to and find answers to stuff he did not know what do about in the past.
He is not a talker, while I am very chatty, and will keep the conversation going just to get some answers.
I know he did love me at some point, and he does love the kids, But the kids noticed how he treats me and won't and dont want anything to do with him if we leave each other. On a trip to Italy, he and the kids went, he drove them up the wall, and they actually used to leave him and disappear so they could loose him in the crowd. I was sorry for sending them with him, and that he ruined their holiday.
So I am in a fix.
I need your opinions and advice on what my next step should be.
@dove22 Hi! I'm sorry you're having a tough time in your marriage. Sounds like you've raised two great kids, though, so congratulations on that! It sounds like a lot of resentment has built up and calcified on both sides over the years. I can understand that from experience.
His friend is not a constructive part of the equation right now, so I'm glad you've persuaded him to give that a break. It seems like you're asking whether you should continue with the marriage, and it's hard to give advice about that - but both of you have a lot of years left and deserve to be happy, it seems to me. Maybe the fact that he's communicating with you for the first time in 25 years is a good sign - unfortunately it kind of sounds like he's checked out. Do you think there's any way to keep the lines of communication open, to find out if there's anything there to save? Is he willing, perhaps, to seek counseling with you?
@BurkeDevlin
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. It means a great deal to me.
Yes, I think he has checked out, and felt I never cared about him all these years, so he was used to living like that.
I kept myself busy with the kids - its a lot of work, and so I guess I did not notice how he was maybe hurt in the process. But he has been independent before I met him, so he managed.
I did ask him to stop talking to this lady, and I am hoping he will. She is married with no kids, and I feel she has nothing to do most of the time. So has found him to be her past time to share her daily life. I gather her husband also work night shifts, so they have no life. He did mention he does not talk to her, but from work they both can, and she lives near his work, which is a bummer coz she comes to visit her old pals. Ever since he began this job 6 months ago, his attitude towards us has changed.
He does talk a lot more now, because I am questioning him everyday. We never really had a serious conversation until now, I dont know why. I think I just got used to be treated that way and put a shell around me, my first priority were the kids. But now they are in their 20's they have their own life, though they include me and tell me everything about their lives, which is a bonus for me. I am very frank with them and they even question him on things. So that is a good thing.
My problem is with him not wanting to be intimate with me, do you think he is finding the same elsewhere? I can't tell with him, coz he is very sneaky. Before we got married, he had many relationships where even his close friends did not know about.
For me I need to hug and hold each other like any normal couple, and he is not that type. I am in 2 minds to even continue this marraige. But we have a lot invested in it, and it can be expensive to seperate where I live.
He is also on heart medications, and works night shifts, both of which do not do much in the intimate settings, and is also 10 years older than me. But is active, and very charming to other ladies. That pisses me off, and I start to remember stuff and snipe at him for silly things.
The good thing about this situation right now, is both of us are not yelling and shouting at each other. I told him it was not good for the kids, and we need to get our act together. And he says he has decided not to say too much, coz I fly off the handle too quickly. So for the past 10 days it has been unreal, and very different. I am guessing I do not have all the stuff with the kids etc, and am now much calmer and do not get angry as much. Also I have decided to forgive his family as his mother will be 90 next month and we are meeting his family after at least 6 years all together in one place. I feel much better now that I have decided to forgive him and them. Don't know if it is for my own peace, but yes it has made a difference in my life.
From how he has been for the past few days, I see a big change in him, and he includes me in everything he does, and whereever he goes. I think I am going to take it slow, as this is a huge change for both of us. And I need to change too and feel our marraige is worth saving. As long as he is not seeing anyone else. If I do find out that he is, it will be over between us.
So thank you for replying.
@dove22 Hi! I'm so glad to read that you're feeling hopeful, and that you've seen a little change in him lately. It sounds like you're really making an honest effort, and I applaud you for that. All those things you say you want out of life - love, affection, intimacy - you totally have a right to all of that, and maybe he would like those things too, but is one of those people who can't show it very well? It seems like there are a number of barriers that need to be broken down between you two, and maybe that's started, with you forgiving him and his family (I hope that is a big weight off for you too!).
I thought counseling might help, not to imply there's anything wrong with him (or you!), but just to help you communicate better. It feels like you're both a little 'dug in', and maybe someone else could break the jam a little in a non-judgmental way.
As far as his extracurriculars....hmm. I do know other men, including myself, who are not in the happiest of marriages, but still won't cross that line. So it's not like 'everyone does it' and I certainly wouldn't assume that he is. It could be that he's just getting a little personal validation from that other person and no more. Do you think if you simply asked him, he could look you in the eye and lie about it?
Just a thought, but do you have any common interests or hobbies - even as simple as liking the same TV show - you could re-build a bond around? Maybe things you used to like to do together before you had kids?
I'm really rooting for you, and I hope you'll post here whenever you feel you've something you'd like to say.
Have a great night!
@BurkeDevlin
Thanks and good to hear from you. I am sorry you are in the same sort of situation. I do hope things get better for you.
For me I don't know really what is going to happen. I will take 1 day at a time and see how things are in the next couple of months. If he sticks by what he says, that he is not seeing anyone, I will try and work things out. But for some reason - and I have a great intuitive sense, I feel he does like someone, who has not yet reciprocrated or does not know that he is interested and he is waiting for the right time to make his move. He did say this lady is not interested in him, does not mean he is not interested. Or it could be some else he has met and has not told me about. And 100% of the time, I am usually right. My mum used to be like that, and I got it from her. Whatever she said came to be true. Or, I could just be imagining things. For me I believe what has to happen will happen, so I have decided to just let it go and better myself. Joined a gym, am going to get working soon, and get the kids settled very soon hopefully and enjoy myself. If he can't appreciate me and what I have to offer, I am sure there is someone out there for me.
For the past many years, my Mum was my anchor and both my parents passed away within a month of each other a few yrs ago. And I have been grieving since. My brother also passed away many years ago. My one sister is abroad. So the kids have now become my everything. And they treat me the same. So he sometimes feels left out, coz my kids and me have this bond that he is not part of. He never made an attempt to try and be their pal like I am, coz he did not know how. I blame his parents for everything. They ruined a good human being.
Personally, he is the opposite of me. Very neat, does all my housework, a good worker, very accurate, has a great finance background, and saves all his money, while I am the opposite. But also has a mean streak, can hold a grudge forever, and is aloof and cold towards anyone who say anything to him that he does not agree about. Can't cook though. I cared for the kids from the day they were born, and I put them first before anyone in my life. I feel if one has kids they need to be a priority until they can care for themselves. I had to stay home for about 10 yrs so I could care for them, and he thinks I should be like other women who juggle career and home life. I did not want that for them, for sitters to be their mothers. I think he has held that against me, and many other things and it has been really hard for him to speak up, as I am a very assertive and outspoken person, and I speak my mind if I have to. His family did not want anything to do with us, so I had to be a full time Mom to them. And I had no family here.
He sure can hold a grudge, and I told him so the other day. For me I speak up, let things so and forget about them and move on.
Yes, you are right. He did say he is not having an affair. Calls my mind twisted. I think I assume the worst, but he gave me cause to think so.
He continues with our daily life like nothing has changed. And does plan things together. Coz I told him, when was the last time you ever held the kids or me, or made time for us. He can watch TV for hours and not worry about the kids. I do all the errands and he has gotten used to it. I am also better at juggling all of our lives and now that I am interested in him helping me out or doing things with the kids he thinks we should be doing our own stuff.
Says one day to hurt me, mind you own business and I will mind my own. Asked him what does that mean? Why are we together, then says ok lets get divorced. So I said do you want an open marraige? He is not good at conversations and will say anything to hurt me, and get back at me. Next day acted as nothing had been said. I can't really figure him out after so many years together. He can be a recluse when you need to get some information out of him. Speaks only what has to be said.
He feels he needs to retire now and not work. But we got married late in life and the kids still need out support financially. I would have worked 2 jobs if I could, and am planning to do so now. Just so I can not have my kids struggle in life and help them settle down. I think he feels he works, while I am at home just doing nothing. For the past few months, his answer to anything I said would be - find a job, or buy that when you get your own job. Always about money. His Mum told me many years ago that all he thought about was money, even though he had enough, it was never enough for him. He is now out to get what my parents left me. I can't imagine I even married him for thinking like this. Told him last week. Money is nothing if you don't have love in your life, if you kids know you don't hug them and love them. It sure got to him, and he has started hugging the kids.
He is slowly opening up and communicating. Sometimes just to be mean and hurtfull he can shut people off. I blame all of that on his parents who never loved him. It is sad and I feel sorry for him sometimes. To not love and hold a child is the worst thing that can happen to that child.
I had the opposite childhood, with loving parents, who gave me the world and spoilt me. And I think I am still that brat, and sometimes can be a real Bi*c^. But I am getting better and am looking for forgiveness for alienating him for the past many years. I think I got so obsessed with giving my girls all of me that I forgot he even existed. I have no family where I live and so I had to be stronger to be there 24/7 for my girls. Both of us have never left them to go out to parties etc, for at least 15 yrs since they were born. If the kids were not invited we would not attend.
I don't think he will go to counselling. He is arrogant enough to think that all of this is my fault, no job, no worries, always say your ill, likes to spend too much, these are his sentences most of the time.
Will continue. Thanks for listening.
@BurkeDevlin
Just a quick one.
It's 1am and I can't sleep. He's off the next 2 days, so asked him to hold my hand. Says I'm tired and need to sleep. So would not let him sleep. Tells me there is nothing wrong. I just don't want to do anything or be intimate. I'm getting old and just not interested, and maybe need to see a doctor. I don't believe it, coz he keeps himself in shape, excercises every morning, and make sure he's fit. So definitely not feeling the 'Im old' line. There is something he does not want to tell me yet, or can't get himself to say it.
I'm wondering what else I could do to make him just even hold my hand? That is not much to ask. Says why are you forcing me to do so?
Told him, I can't believe what I got myself into. You've f*&ked up my life. No answer. He's a pro at that. Never answers. Asked him do you hate me that much? No answer. Tells me go to sleep, read a romantic novel, or do something else. It's 1am. Sad, Sad, Sad.
I'm going to see a lawyer tomorrow, and find out what I can do.
I don't think he will ever love me or be intimate, he does like our lifestyle, where he gets everything on a platter, so he does not want to rock the boat just yet I think. He's waiting for the rigth time, where I will get so fed up with him and leave him. So he can put the blame on me, that I left him.
What do you think? Is he really tired, or just faking it?
Sorry to be a bother. I'm going crazy with these ups and downs. I thought he being off for the next 2 days would be a change.
Thanks again.
Sorry, just noticed you used present tense when describing his relationship with the friend as though they are still talking - maybe a first step is he agrees to cut her off and you agree to start including him in 'decisions', both of which I think are pretty reasonable?
@BurkeDevlin
Thanks again.
He is not the "seek counseling" type, coz he is one of those that thinks nothing is wrong with him. But he does disect everything I say to him, coz the next day he will do what I say he has not done before.
I am including him in everything I do and am going to hope for the best. I don't know if hope really works, but a change is definitely in the works.
Or if he really checks out, I guess my only option is to find someone who will love me and I can love back. Coz in our old age, all we need is company and unconditional love. All the money and material stuff does not matter if one is in a loveless marraige.
Thank you.
@dove22
Hi, it sounds like you are in a pretty tough spot. You have been married to your husband for quite some time and have beautiful kids together. It also sounds like you are both going through some life transitions- such as childnre moving out and on and retirement. These changes alone can be tough for couples who have worked togehter for years. It also sounds like this other women in your husbands life is creating quite a bit of tension. Have you too considered marital counseling?
