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Hello,
Need some advice and opinions.
I am 56 married for 26 yrs, 2 beautiful girls with a husband who does not how to love us. His parents never loved him, held him or hugged him, never said I love you so he does not know how to.
We were married in 1 month, more lust and love and have led a moslty loveless marriaige until now. I got busy with my girls who are now in their 20's and are onto finding their own loves. They were my life, as I had no family where I live. So I think I alienated my husband and he got used to looking after himeself. He is great at doing stuff for us, driving long distance, doing all of my housework, laundry and paying most of our bills, as I have been ill for sometime and unable to work.
I had no family where I live so I wanted to depend on his family, but they did not like him so they abandoned us. I lived through it and managed to sort our lives and succeeded until now. We are now left to deal with each other, and he does not want anything to do with me. Because his family abandoned us I would take it out on him and he did not like that. So held it against me until now when he has spoken up and tells me stuff he has not said for the past 25 years.
It all came to this when he got a new job and has met this lady who was there before him, so she showed him the ropes, etc, and he was grateful to her. But she started calling our home at 1am in the morning just to gossip about their colleagues. I did not know about it coz I used to be asleep. He is a night own while I am an early bird, so we have different sleep patterns.
Something told me all was not right, coz he suddenly changed many things in his life, dressing, putting on perfume, would snipe at me if I asked him simple questions. So I checked our phone bill, and find these 2 have been talking to each other when I or the kids were not home, sometimes in the early hrs of the morning. Then she quit to find another job which would pay more, and he decided to join her, and got the job, only for me to find out that they will be driving 1.5 hrs each way to work a night shift. and then work 8 hrs together. So I put an end to it and he has been sulking ever since.
Tells me he is not having an affair with her, but they gossip about stuff. I heard the way they talk to each other and he does not talk to me like that. I believe he is not but it could lead to one, so I ended it. Ever since he has shut up on me, won't talk much nor tell me stuff. Tells me I should find a life, a job and mind my own business, and he will mind his own.
So I started questioning him, why is he so angry is something bothering him. Then came the truth.
Tells me he is fed up with my yelling, shouting, blaming his family for everything. Tells me he does not want to be intimate ( he has never every held my hand, nor hugged me or the kids, or even held me to comfort me when I fell down many times and ended up in the ER), so I got used to it. The kids actually compensated for it, and we 3 love hugging and holding each other, and I am thankfull they are loving and beautiful kids.
At this point in our lives when we are about to be retired, I want to be comforted, held and loved because that is a person I am, and he is not willing to do so. He says he is not that person and will not change. Even went on to say to find someelse if I want to have sex, coz he does want to have it with me.
I am not saying I am perfect. I can be a Bit8H, but that came from all the anger and non stop 24/7 work I had to put in to bring the kids up alone, while he worked. For some years I also worked and managed to pick them up, bathe them look after them cook for them and take them to school while he did the laundry and housework.
As a person, he is angry ( actually lost a job because the Manager thought he needed anger management) arrogant, not loving, and abuses us in public. I slowly put a shell around me all these years just to survive. But now I don't think I can manage to live in a loveless marraige.
Me as a person, I am laidback, generous, loving, loves a good laugh, loves people, and generally loves the fine things in life. My parents were very liberal and so I sometimes think I am still single, and make decisions without asking him, which I think he can't handle. But the right decisions, and so far there have been no issues.
Until I think (my intuition tells me) this lady is discussing our life with him and telling him, this is what he should say and do. I feel he has met someone he can talk to and find answers to stuff he did not know what do about in the past.
He is not a talker, while I am very chatty, and will keep the conversation going just to get some answers.
I know he did love me at some point, and he does love the kids, But the kids noticed how he treats me and won't and dont want anything to do with him if we leave each other. On a trip to Italy, he and the kids went, he drove them up the wall, and they actually used to leave him and disappear so they could loose him in the crowd. I was sorry for sending them with him, and that he ruined their holiday.
So I am in a fix.
I need your opinions and advice on what my next step should be.