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Why Ghosting Hurts So Much

calmDew1576 September 9th, 2022


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The opposite of love isn’t hate; it's indifference. Ghosting, for those of you who haven’t yet experienced it, is having someone that you believe cares about you, whether it be a friend or someone you are dating, disappear from contact without any explanation at all. No phone call or email, not even a text.

Approximately 50 percent of men and women have experienced—and an almost equal number have done the ghosting. Despite how common ghosting is, the emotional effects can be devastating, and particularly damaging to those who already have fragile self-esteem.

Why do people ghost?

People who ghost are primarily focused on avoiding their own emotional discomfort and they aren’t thinking about how it makes the other person feel. The lack of mutual social connections for people who met online also means there are fewer social consequences of dropping out of another’s life. The more it happens, either to themselves or their friends, the more people become desensitized to it, and the more likely they are to do it to someone else.

How does it feel to be ghosted?

For many people, ghosting can result in feelings of being disrespected, used, and disposable. If you have known the person beyond more than a few dates then it can be even more traumatic. When someone we love and trust disengages from us it feels like a very deep betrayal.

Why does it feel so bad?

Social rejection activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain. In fact, you can reduce the emotional pain of rejection with a pain medication. But in addition to this biological link between rejection and pain, there are some specific factors about ghosting that contribute to psychological distress. It creates the ultimate scenario of ambiguity. Should you be worried? What if they are hurt and lying in a hospital bed somewhere? Should you be upset? Maybe they are just a little busy and will be calling you at any moment. You don’t know how to react because you don’t really know what has happened.

Social cues allow us to regulate our own behavior accordingly, but ghosting deprives you of these usual cues and can create a sense of emotional dysregulation where you feel out of control. If you have been through multiple ghostings or if your self-esteem is already low, you are likely to experience the rejection as even more painful, and it may take you longer to get over it as people with lower-self-esteem have less natural opioid (painkiller) released into the brain after a rejection when compared with those whose self-esteem is higher.

Ghosting is the ultimate use of the silent treatment, a tactic that has often been viewed by mental health professionals as a form of emotional cruelty. It essentially renders you powerless and leaves you with no opportunity to ask questions or be provided with information that would help you emotionally process the experience. It silences you and prevents you from expressing your emotions and being heard, which is important for maintaining your self-esteem.

Regardless of the ghoster’s intent, ghosting is a passive-aggressive interpersonal tactic that can leave psychological bruises and scars.

How do you move forward?

The important thing to remember is that when someone ghosts you, it says nothing about you or your worthiness for love and everything about the person doing the ghosting. It shows he or she doesn’t have the courage to deal with the discomfort of their emotions or yours, and they either don't understand the impact of their behavior or worse don’t care. In any case, they have sent you an extremely loud message that says: "I don’t have what it takes to have a mature healthy relationship with you." Be the better person, retain your dignity, and let him or her go peacefully.

Don’t allow someone else’s bad behavior to rob you of a better future by losing your vulnerability and shutting yourself off from another relationship. Keep your energy focused on doing what makes you happy. Know that if you are someone who treats people with respect and integrity then the ghoster simply wasn’t on your wavelength and someone better is coming your way, as long as you keep your heart open and your focus forward.

Things to remember

  • Ghosting means one person cuts off contact with another after a period of friendship or dating, usually to avoid one's own emotional discomfort.

  • Ghosting upsets the one ghosted because people are wired to regulate their emotions partly through social cues from others.

  • Those with low self-esteem can take longer to get over ghosting because they have less natural opioid released into the brain after a rejection.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201511/why-ghosting-hurts-so-much

Have you ever experienced ghosting? How did you cope with the feeling of rejection?

#Ghosting #Rejection #Psychology #Love #Relationships #Self-esteem

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innateJoy9602 September 9th, 2022

@calmDew1576

That's very surprising to learn that 50% of men and women have experienced ghosting!

Luckily, I have not experienced it.

However, it sounds like it would be disheartening to experience.

Thanks for the post Dew. <3💛✨

1 reply
calmDew1576 OP September 23rd, 2022

I agree with you dear. Ghosting is very hurtful. People don't usually understand what they're doing through a screen and that's why in person relationships are considered more healthy in general. In any case it's crucial to be careful in order to not hurt someone we love. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

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millipede03 September 10th, 2022

Maybe their dont care or not interested anymore or sometimes its revenge or manipulation just like the silent treatment and guilt tripping

1 reply
calmDew1576 OP September 23rd, 2022

I wouldn't say ghosting comes from bad intentions. On the contrary, people who ghost usually don't want to put an end to things because they don't want to lose the other person. Subconsciously they think the other person will be there since they left something in the middle. The fact that they didn't have the courage to put an end doesn't mean they hate you, or don't care or that you don't deserve to be loved. Thank you for sharing!

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placidAvocado2692 September 10th, 2022

Yes I have experienced it and yes it causes damage as bad as you say. Made me feel absolutely worthless. Still trying to come back from it

1 reply
calmDew1576 OP September 23rd, 2022

I can totally relate dear. I have experienced it too. The most important thing is to remember that it's not your fault and as I said previously that person didn't have the courage to put an end. Probably because they want to feel your presence still. In any case you ought to continue your life and know that you deserve love and happiness! Thank you for sharing your experience ❤️

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sunnyWriting4806 September 10th, 2022

@calmDew1576

Ghosting can be a very discouraging experience especially when you had intentions to build a conversation and relationship with that person! It's good to understand that they maybe busy and sometimes they just couldn't find the time to reply, otherwise it's a much more straight forward sign that someone may not be interested in talking with you.

1 reply
calmDew1576 OP September 23rd, 2022

It's true. However all of us deserve respect. The other person has to put an end. When they don't do that it means they subconsciously want your attention. Ghosting can also happen in person kind of. You see the person going away without knowing why. To conclude, as a psych student and a person who has been ghosted a lot, I believe ghosting is a sign the other person knows you're too good for them. They simply can't make a decision considering this fact. Thank you for reading!

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independentLion2898 September 10th, 2022

@calmDew1576 my ex ghosted me and there's not a day that went by that i wondered what i did to deserve it... maybe his depression, anxiety... no excuses could ever measure what emotional torture i went thru to tell myself that trust me they don't deserve CHANCES/ OPPORUNITIES to stay in your life once they've ghosted you. Chances are they've ghosted you before you recognized it. It's not fair to be there for someone that's not sharing the same energy, vibes. You will feel drained and question your worth when its really THEM who can't be mature enough to end it

1 reply
calmDew1576 OP September 23rd, 2022

It's exactly as you put it dear. And as I mentioned in previous comments the person didn't want to let go of you really. They just disappeared because they couldn't make a decision. This however contradicts your thought that you are not important. Exactly because you are important and good, the person didn't have the guts to talk to straight forward. Ghosting is the proof you are too good for them. I wish you to find something better soon as you deserve love, respect and happiness. Thank you for sharing your story!

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mytwistedsoul September 11th, 2022

Its horrible. It hurts. All these things go through your head. Everything you might have done wrong goes through your head - but you're not exactly sure what you did for someone to just disappear - Your head fills in the blanks. Your self esteem and confidence take a major hit. You feel - less than - not even worth the time to be told off. It can trigger issues you weren't even aware you had. It affects your trust and you get so cautious with other people. Afraid to get to close because what if that person just disappears too?

1 reply
calmDew1576 OP September 23rd, 2022

It's indeed hard to trust someone again after this life event. I think the hardest part of ghosting is to cope with the worry... It's easy to get into an emotional loop and start thinking if the person is facing something terribly challenging but then you think they just don't want to talk to you. I believe you probably were too good for them to find a reason to ask you to break up and that's why they weren't brave enough to even say it. Ghosting doesn't mean you are not important or that you don't deserve love. I'm sure you'll be able to trust people again. Allow for your wounds to heal as you haven't been through little. Thank you for sharing your experience with us ❤️

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Nick324 September 23rd, 2022

You should send this to all the listeners lol. They ghost members all the time.

1 reply
calmDew1576 OP September 23rd, 2022

@Nick324 Sorry to hear that you felt like that. Listeners have many duties. Sometimes they are assigned to take care of the health of our community, they decide to be mods or group support leaders etc. We are here to help you and to provide support to you but listeners are not people who you have a personal relationship with so this couldn't be called ghosting. Also the nature of listening can make listeners feel overwhelmed and in this case no one can benefit. You can always connect with a new listener and I'm sure they will provide you with the support you are seeking.

1 reply
Nick324 September 23rd, 2022

I love how your go to reaction to my post was to stand up and back up the listener. I couldn't imagine anything more dismissive than this reply that you have wrote to me.

Nick324 November 14th, 2022

@calmdew1576


2 months later and my response couldn't be more true.

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Meg1987 September 23rd, 2022

Ghosting is the worst and most loneliest feeling ever. I watched my husband die being ghosted. We were the only ones we had for each other. Our family didn't reach out or cared for us. Ghosting can put a lot of emotional, psychological issues no those who are in need. I causes so much negative out looks on the self along with wondering thoughts of why's, of people won't help, talk to them, or why can't we ever feel excepted ect. It's a painful feeling

1 reply
calmDew1576 OP September 23rd, 2022

@Meg1987 It's so true, ghosting is very damaging. Try to remember it isn't your fault and you are strong to be dealing with it! Remember that you have each other and try to spend time on yourselves and as a family. Acknowlege that you are imprtant and capable of surving this. You can make it no matter how hard things are. Thank you for sharing your story dear!

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Lilmeeee September 23rd, 2022

This was very interesting to read and so much supporting! thank you <333

This just answered my very long time years of pain but i didnt understod what it meant or what it was really, much trying to figure out by myself but reading this just but the pieces together and its excatly just it.

How do i feel about this now? I do feel relaxed and truthfull to knowing what was the cause to my pain.

Little words explain but very much healing thank you!

Lilmeeee September 23rd, 2022

Thing is too also is that i need to stop ghosting in returns because ive became similar as my ghoster.

Thank you for heads up!

1 reply
calmDew1576 OP September 23rd, 2022

@Lilmeeee I'm so glad this article was helpful for you. Sometimes we tend to make things bigger in our heads while in reality, no matter how good you are, if the other person have their own issues they will just treat you in an unfair way... This is still unfortunate but at least brings some relief that it's not you... It's just the situation. Having a similar behavior towards someone else is a quite common phenomenon. I'm sure that after you work things out with yourself you'll be able to develop and handle things better in long-term. Thank you for sharing your experience!

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