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Why Ghosting Hurts So Much

calmDew1576 September 9th, 2022


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The opposite of love isn’t hate; it's indifference. Ghosting, for those of you who haven’t yet experienced it, is having someone that you believe cares about you, whether it be a friend or someone you are dating, disappear from contact without any explanation at all. No phone call or email, not even a text.

Approximately 50 percent of men and women have experienced—and an almost equal number have done the ghosting. Despite how common ghosting is, the emotional effects can be devastating, and particularly damaging to those who already have fragile self-esteem.

Why do people ghost?

People who ghost are primarily focused on avoiding their own emotional discomfort and they aren’t thinking about how it makes the other person feel. The lack of mutual social connections for people who met online also means there are fewer social consequences of dropping out of another’s life. The more it happens, either to themselves or their friends, the more people become desensitized to it, and the more likely they are to do it to someone else.

How does it feel to be ghosted?

For many people, ghosting can result in feelings of being disrespected, used, and disposable. If you have known the person beyond more than a few dates then it can be even more traumatic. When someone we love and trust disengages from us it feels like a very deep betrayal.

Why does it feel so bad?

Social rejection activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain. In fact, you can reduce the emotional pain of rejection with a pain medication. But in addition to this biological link between rejection and pain, there are some specific factors about ghosting that contribute to psychological distress. It creates the ultimate scenario of ambiguity. Should you be worried? What if they are hurt and lying in a hospital bed somewhere? Should you be upset? Maybe they are just a little busy and will be calling you at any moment. You don’t know how to react because you don’t really know what has happened.

Social cues allow us to regulate our own behavior accordingly, but ghosting deprives you of these usual cues and can create a sense of emotional dysregulation where you feel out of control. If you have been through multiple ghostings or if your self-esteem is already low, you are likely to experience the rejection as even more painful, and it may take you longer to get over it as people with lower-self-esteem have less natural opioid (painkiller) released into the brain after a rejection when compared with those whose self-esteem is higher.

Ghosting is the ultimate use of the silent treatment, a tactic that has often been viewed by mental health professionals as a form of emotional cruelty. It essentially renders you powerless and leaves you with no opportunity to ask questions or be provided with information that would help you emotionally process the experience. It silences you and prevents you from expressing your emotions and being heard, which is important for maintaining your self-esteem.

Regardless of the ghoster’s intent, ghosting is a passive-aggressive interpersonal tactic that can leave psychological bruises and scars.

How do you move forward?

The important thing to remember is that when someone ghosts you, it says nothing about you or your worthiness for love and everything about the person doing the ghosting. It shows he or she doesn’t have the courage to deal with the discomfort of their emotions or yours, and they either don't understand the impact of their behavior or worse don’t care. In any case, they have sent you an extremely loud message that says: "I don’t have what it takes to have a mature healthy relationship with you." Be the better person, retain your dignity, and let him or her go peacefully.

Don’t allow someone else’s bad behavior to rob you of a better future by losing your vulnerability and shutting yourself off from another relationship. Keep your energy focused on doing what makes you happy. Know that if you are someone who treats people with respect and integrity then the ghoster simply wasn’t on your wavelength and someone better is coming your way, as long as you keep your heart open and your focus forward.

Things to remember

  • Ghosting means one person cuts off contact with another after a period of friendship or dating, usually to avoid one's own emotional discomfort.

  • Ghosting upsets the one ghosted because people are wired to regulate their emotions partly through social cues from others.

  • Those with low self-esteem can take longer to get over ghosting because they have less natural opioid released into the brain after a rejection.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201511/why-ghosting-hurts-so-much

Have you ever experienced ghosting? How did you cope with the feeling of rejection?

#Ghosting #Rejection #Psychology #Love #Relationships #Self-esteem

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tealLion9329 September 23rd, 2022

@calmDew1576 I was in an 8 year relationship with a guy that would ghost me at least a few times a year and then would come back apologizing and claiming that he loved me. it wasn't an easy to move forward from because it caused me to develop really bad depression and I still struggle with feelings of emotional distress if I'm in a situation that feels similar even if nothing is actually wrong. Honestly I think ghosting cause's someone alot of emotional and mental issues that are hard to overcome. But it's important to cut ties with someone before they feel as if they have the power to continue to torture you over and over mentally and emotionally. not sure if this answered the question because I forgot what it was lol. but I wanted to share my experience

1 reply
calmDew1576 OP September 23rd, 2022

@tealLion9329 i'm sorry you've been through all this dear. This person was really toxic and manipulative. It's indeed true that sometimes you should cut up with someone no matter what when they are cold, selfish and damaging for you. this is completely different than two people not being able to work things through because they are both emotionally damaged. You shouldn't regret dear, you deserve so much more. You're worthy of love and happiness and I'm sure you'll find these things if you haven't already. Thank you for reading and for sharing your experience with us ❤️ Keep strong.

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NoorEdin September 23rd, 2022

@calmDew1576

It's a reality that has no solution, everyone has neglected others, everyone has been neglected, but everyone thinks it's neglected, and nobody thinks it has neglected others without feeling

Mit2019 September 24th, 2022

@calmDew1576

Thank you writing this topic and such in a nice way. I had experienced ghosting, multiple time by same person. It like the person ghost me once and later connect back by begging to forgive and again ghost.

Reading the reason why they ghost give me clarity and feel so resemble when i think now of it.

I love the every word you wrote on how to handle ghosting.

It would be very helpful to many people,as it very common issue i had heard multiple times from others. It painful no doubt i wish nobody have to go through it.


GrandSam16 November 14th, 2022

@calmDew1576

Yes, I experienced ghosting, he was a close friend at high school who suddenly abandoned me.

I dealt with ghosting just by leaving him after several tries to communicate with him, then I knew new friends. And whenever I see him I ignore him.


OneAndOnlySol November 14th, 2022

@calmDew1576

I just realized that I've accidentally been ghosting my friend!! (I haven't responded to their texts because I'm always busy, then I forget!)

1 reply
OneAndOnlySol November 14th, 2022

@JuliaEWriter

How do I fix things with them?

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easyWater4109 November 14th, 2022

@calmDew1576

I’ve been ghosted and I’ve been the ghost. It comes from hurt and leads to hurt.