Some poems by me!

What if?

What if the world ended tonight?

What if my house catches fire?

What if I never see your face again?

What if my family drops dead?

What if?

What if no one really likes me?

What if you never really loved me?

What if I’m just fake?

What if no one really wanted me and are all just stuck with me?

What if?

What if my overthinking stopped so I could finally sleep?

What if the world could pause for just second so I could catch my breath?

What if no one told me to “calm down”, “man up”, and “stop being a baby,” but instead tried to understand?

What if I was never broken, a thing to be fixed?

What if.

But what if my life would end? Then would they see? See the endless worry?

Then would they see why I hide so very much?

Or will they still refuse to listen? Will they say it’s just a thought? That everyone feels like that now and again?

Will they still ignore peoples desperate cry’s for help?

I really hope they change, I pray that they will see; change and see just what they do to us. I hope.

Think I put this one somewhere else here on cups but here it is anyway

Dear you,

I don’t know why but I trust you. And if I’m being completely honest I’ve grown to love you.

I don’t know how this happened.

I don’t know when.

But it happened.

And now you might be gone.

You might be gone from my life without a word or warning.

How *** up is that?

You mean everything to me and now you’re just gone.

At first I made excuses for you not responding.

Then as more and more days passed I began to overthink and my mind went to the worst.

It left me crying and sick with worry.

But sometimes if half forget.

I’d feel good and I’d just be with other people.

But they aren’t you.

They don’t have your voice or your personality.

They don’t make jokes the same way you do.they don’t make me smile the way you do.

They don’t even know me the way you do.

And they could never make me feel the way you do.

I never felt hurt with you.

You made me happy in all the best ways.

Any anger towards you always cleared.

You were the person I talked to when I was sad because i know you’d make me smile.

I knew you’d make me happy.

And sure i may have never had the chance to kiss your lips to see if you tasted like strawberries.

But that’s ok. I was happy just to know you.

You were probably my favorite person.

I swear to god I’d even trust you with my life.

And if due to that I die that’s be ok.

I’d rather die with you or because of you than anyone else.

And if you ever read this, which I doubt you will, I hope you know it’s about you.

Not in some manipulative way to make you feel bad.

I just want you to know that I love you, that I care, that you mean enough to me that I’d write this whole stupid thing…

And if you really want to know why I wrote this it’s because when I’m with you I feel whole, because with you life doesn’t feel so brutish and short, it feels beautiful.

Thank you for that, thank you for showing me the beauty, thank you for showing me that we’re all ghost stories at the end of the day, thank you for being a part of my ghost story, thank you for teaching me that sometimes you can just know things even if you don’t understand them.

This ones a work in progress so might put the finished product on here later

Dysphoria

You say you get how I feel. You say you understand. You say it’ll be ok.

But you don’t know. You don’t get it. You don’t understand.

You don’t know how it feels to be trapped in your own skin, to look in the mirror and not recognize the person you see, you don’t know what it’s like.

You tell me that if being a man isn’t working I should just keep being a girl. But you don’t get it, being a girl is what isn’t working, being a man would fix that.

I hate myself, I hate my body, I hate my skin, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Should have/ruin

You should have asked if it was ok,

You should have seen that it wasn’t ok,

You should have stopped,

I should have stopped you.

You ingested my brain and took over my thoughts.

I convinced myself that you were good,

That this was good,

That I loved you.

I wanted to end it so many times.

I would practice it in my head over and over,

But then you’d do something and I’d feel guilty and I didn’t want you to do something dumb if I ended things.

You should have stopped.

It wasn’t fair for me to have to go through all of that.

You never gave me a choice.

I had to please you.

I had to be there for you.

You needed me to.

But I never needed you.

All you ever did was ruin me.

And now I can’t stand to look at you, to speak to you, even to know you’re there.

It makes me sick to my stomach.

I should have helped me instead of you.

I should have stopped you.

I should have said goodbye sooner.

So this one is from a whole breakdown last night and although you cannot see the tear stains on the paper they’re there.

“Just for the summer”

We all said that it was “just for the summer”

But deep down we knew, I guess we just weren’t ready to face the reality that you’d leave.

And I know I shouldn’t be sad but I am.

It hurts.

It hurts to know that you won’t just be a short walk away anymore.

I know we may not have been the closest but you are one of my people, you’ve always been there for me, *** you’d probably help me hide a body if I asked.

Ive needed you so bad, I know I never said it but it’s true, and I can’t tell you that because you can’t feel bad for leaving.

I should feel bad for wishing you’d stay

I know you’re so much happier there and I know that it’s better for you.

I hate it.

Part of me even wants to hate you.

But I love you.

I *** love you.

But you need this, and although I’ll miss you with every bone in my body, you need to be there.

Because it was never “just for the summer.”

“I’m changing”

You said you were changing,

We looked up confused.

You told us how you were becoming the person who writes poetry and reads in cafes.

The person who feels peace and sleeps right.

The person who’s happy.

The person who’s better.

And you may not have said that but I know it’s what you meant.

But it makes me sad that to you this seems like a change when deep down I knew.

I knew this you from the moment we met.

Although neither of us quite knew that yet.

But I guess that’s how it is.

How it is when we think of change.

When we say we change.

For change is simply discovery.

Internalized breakdown right now and I don’t feel like I can speak so here’s a new poem

Hate

I hate myself and you hate me.

Don’t say it’s not true you know it is.

You’re just here because you pity me and I probably would to.

No one cares and no one’s there when you really need them most.

They never see through the quiet or the anger or the smile.

I turn all the sadness stuck inside me into anger or push it onto other people,

And yeah I point out the stuff that sucks about people a lot because I don’t want to be the only one,

I don’t want to be alone but I guess I just make myself more alone,

When I’m sad I do what I can to make it worse

I watch shows that make me cry and tell myself things that make me want to not be here.

I’m toxic as *** and I know it all well.

I hate it all.

I hate myself and you hate me.

If

If the world was collapsing around us what would you say? What would we do?

If I collapsed into your arms would you hold me? Would you say it’d be ok?

If this building collapsed onto me and I didn’t make it out, would you be sad? Would you miss me?

If you left me and never returned would I learn to forget? Or would I hold on to every last moment?

If I held my heart out to you would you take it? Would you cherish it? Or would you tear it apart?

If I left would you be fine? Or would you cry?

If this?

If that?

If you?

If I?

The things they've shown me

They showed me the beauty of brown eyes,

The calm in the strum of a guitar,

The power in a song,

The love felt in a smile,

The joy in the simplicity,

The extent of what one can feel,

And just how much you can miss someone.

They showed me sadness.

They showed me joy.

They showed me anger.

They showed me pain.

But most of all,

They showed me love.

You

You hurt me,

You made me feel guilty,

You made me insecure,

You manipulated my emotions,

You said you were helping me but all I felt was hurt,

You said you love me,

You said you were done,

You came back.

And I let you,

I sat and ached in silence,

I let you bring me down,

I let you take control.

But worst of all?

I still loved you.

The stupidest *** part of me still loved you.

But I'm stopping it.

I won't let the cycle repeat again.