A place for Vase and Berry
Hi @bestVase7265 This is a place where we can chat with each other. Thank you so much for supporting me, Vase. I'm very grateful and I'm happy to continue our previous conversion here. 😊
(me venting)
i was doing so well today and my father just yelled at me now and i feel horrible. he's yelling about how i told him "no" to something on his face and how i always sit in my 'green' room and never get out of it. i try not to pay attention to him because he literally is mad, but it still hurts.
really, i wish my father was never born. he's such a terrible person who causes my mother so much pain and she cant deal with it all so she gets it out on me by getting mad about little things. then i have to deal with the pain.
things have been really bad at home today between my parents. my mother is so frustrated about the insane stuff my father is doing, how he's dirtying the whole house. when she gets this mad, she keeps and keeps on blabbering whatever she wants. my father got mad about that and now he's shouting at her too and everyone's brains are so heated up. luckily i'm in my room trying not to listen and stay calm. but my father yelled and me so it's getting hard. i'm trying to let it go but it's hard. sorry for writing so much but it's kinda helping so i'm doing it.
by the way, last night i went to bed really late because all day i did nothing and i had to get stuff done at night. but then i woke up twice before i actually had to wake up. when i woke up for the fist time, i felt like it was time to get up so i got up, went to the bathroom and then saw that it was only 6:15 am. like it was so dark, how'd i even think it was time to get up during holidays? anyway, i went back to sleep to wake up at 7:55 am or something and again thought it was time to get up so i sat up in bed and checked the time and lay back down. then my mother came at 8 am to get me up and she did her job and left me alone, and i accidentally went back to sleep to wake up at 8:15 am. what on earth is going on with my sleep? but yeah, i will hopefully go to bed on time tonight.
Can we try to condense all of these responses into one post? I am going to struggle to find all the ones that I haven't answered. Here is a very quick comment to these last two:
If the writing is helping then do it. You are allowed to vent without apology. I am sorry that your dad's mental illness is hitting so hard today. Mental illness really does hit an entire family. You did a good job in trying to remove yourself from the scene even if it didn't work completely.
The sleep will hopefully slowly work itself out.
i've been so sick today. i woke up after 7 hrs 45 mins of sleep feeling really tired and dizzy. the dizziness got better but the tiredness never did. i was hardly able to get anything done today. towards the evening my whole body started to hurt like crazy and i felt feverish. my body still hurts. i should probably go sleep now and hopefully it gets better tomorrow.
i HATE that ***. with the way i'm feeling right now, i'd k!ll her if i could. she is so horrible.
last night was was really late in going to bed. it was i think 12:45 am when i closed my door to get ready for bed. that's when she came to ask if i was done and i said no. she came again at 1:04 am and i wasnt done but i decised i'll tell her that i would be done in a minute. so i got my bed ready, opened the door and got into it while still in my daytime clothes and makeup and having not used the toilet. i figured that once she was done and left my room closing the door behind her, i'd get up and do my things.
she was done by 1:19 am or something but she never closed the door. instead opened it up wide. WHY ON EARTH?! she usually closes it. when she went to her room she didn't even close her door.
i was mad but i thought that i'd wait for her to turn the lights off in her room and then get up and do stuff. so i waited and waited and waited. it was 2 am and the lights in here room were still on. so i set an alarm on zero volume anf vibration only, to get up and do stuff at 2:30 am.
but of couse i was fast asleep. an alarm can never wake me up. here i am right now at 6:41 am. i just woke up and can't go back to sleep. and i'm still in yesterday's makeup. and i need to pee really bad but i cant go because if i do, my parents will see me and i dont what they. i can only let them see me when i know i look "normal".
even if i get up to use the toilet now, what about my skincare? there's no point in doing it now. and my hair. it's such a disaster.
i hate here. i just really hate her. right now i guess my father is up. though i can't really tell. it could be anyone.
what should i do right now? i am SO unbelievably angry and on so little sleep. i have cleaning to do today but i dont think i have any motivation to do it. i juat want to do nothing. to disappearr. i'll try telling my mother that i'm sick and sleep all day. because i am sick. my whole body hurts and i have a really bad headache. i dont want to do anything today. but i am wasting my holidays away and doing nothing. help.
it's all my fault though. none of this would have happened if i went to bed on time. it's so hard though. i have no idea how i managed 6 days straight of going to bed before 12:30 am last week. how do i do it again?
umm you can ignore that post. it's fine.
i tried talking to her about it and she said she left the door wide open because she was angry with me. like wow. it caused me to much physical and emotional pain.
my mother's been telling me lately to not cause her pain. what do i really do to cause her pain? i never intentionally do anything. whatever that i do is just when i lose control.
"and what about the pain you cause me?" i asked. her response is "i never cause you any pain. it's all your perception".
WOW! that's all i say. you?
So sorry that you have been physically ill too. That is never fun. Sometimes when you slow down a bit (in terms of school) then your body starts to hit you with the other stuff harder. What is mental becomes physical because your body becomes more insistent on you slowing down to heal a bit. I hope that you feel better soon.
I am also sorry for the mess with the sleeping. I guess I would just get up and do what you need to do when you need to do it. She might yell and get frustrated about it, but that is better than letting you get angry and not getting your stuff done and peeing, etc. The key is to figure out how to let her anger slide off you without you getting angry. When you figure that out you will be in really good shape. She doesn't need to have that level of control over your emotions. There is no need to give it to her.
Is what I am suggesting easy? No. absolutely not. But you can do it if you train yourself slowly but surely. How do you do that? You might start with deep breathing when you get angry. Immediately start a series of 4 square breathing (breathe in 4 seconds, hold 4 seconds, breathe out 4 seconds, wait for seconds). Do that at least 10 times. Then also don't plan your actions around how you think she is going to react. If she reacts poorly, so what? Ignore it and you gain control.
When you start playing the game "who is causing who pain" you both lose. How do you win that game? Ignore her. My guess is that she is mad about your dad's recent mental health issues and is taking it out on you. You both end up beating up on each other because you are tense. The only emotions you can control are yours. There is nothing that you can do to make your mom think that you aren't causing her pain at the moment. So don't let yourself get swept into her emotions. It is your best chess move in that game because you begin to protect your emotions.
My guess is that you just got out of a good sleep pattern. It happens, just like the hair pulling. Forgive yourself quickly and just try again. You can do this.
where do i even start? i have so much to do. so much i want to do and so much i have to do that i don't want to. school starts on 7th nov and i need to get my schoolwork done before that anyhow. and i also wanna help around cups because it helps me feel better and i also gotta sleep.
so, what do i do? 24 hours feels too short.
i wasnt able to do any schoolwork at all today. i'm dealing with some really bad ups and downs. since the time i woke up, i'm been feeling bad today and it's only been getting worse. i was alone at home for a while while my parents went to get something, and the thoughts were getting so bad and i saw some amazing rope and wanted to do something but i managed to distract myself and actually even got to feeling better. then they came home and i started feeling horrible again and it was all so bad and i regretted not doing anything and i was crying and struggling and all those things that i think of myself as. it was so bad and my mother even told me so much stuff like how i cant do anything right and how i'm wasting my time.
the thoughts got so out of control and i did some research and cried lots and decided how to do everything and made up my mind for 14th nov. but then we had to go out and it was a good distraction and i guess i felt better afterwards. helped out a bit on cups and it felt really good.
by the way, that emailing helpline thing, i had reached out and we've exchanged a few emails and i kept replying no matter how misunderstood i felt and then i got angry and said "you just don't understand" and not i haven't heard anything in like 36 hours though i sent another newer email some hours ago. look, they really don't care. i'm never reaching out to those people again, they only make me feel worse.
oh and tomorrow we have to go visit some old friends of my parents. it's around where we used to live till 2021 before we sold our apartment. that beautifully decorated apartment, i wonder what's left of it because the people who bought it are terrible. my father wants to go pay them a visit, my mother says she doesn't want to see those horrid people. i'm wondering if i should go with my father to see what's left of the house. it'll probably be scary and i dunno if i even want to see it. what do you think?
oh, and i still feel like i'm wasting my holidays. school reopens on 7th nov. i just have to get my work done. how do i? when do i? i cant get myself to do it. i wont be able to do anything much tomorrow because we'll be out and the rest of the time will probably be spent on cups...
I am presuming that you are asking where to start on school work rather than how to deal with your mom. If I picked the wrong one, let me know.
As far as school work, you really need to do less cups. I know it helps a great deal, but set a timer so that you can get some schoolwork done. As soon as you start a little of it you are going to feel better. Your brain keeps telling you to wait because it is punishing you. It lies to you and tells you that you can't do it. Procrastination can be another way of hurting yourself. It means that as you get closer to school starting you will have to do a frenzied pace that will exhaust you again. Little bits of work and don't look down at the pile. Open up the books and just do a little.
The key to your day wasn't that things got bad after your parents got home. It was that you managed to distract yourself beforehand. You are going to figure out how to do that more when they are around. Remember what I said above about not letting your parents control your emotions. You make the choices here. Start out with lots of the deep breathing, the 4 square breathing or finding some online meditations. You can literally retrain your brain. It is going to take time and effort but you are strong enough to distract yourself from ideation. You are strong enough to do this too.
I am glad that you reached out for some online help and tried for a few days. That is better than doing nothing. They will say some things you don't want to hear sometimes. That is part of the process. There are also other helplines, not just one. And the helpline you did contact has more than one person there. You don't need to do it right now, but remember they are an option when things get bad. You always have options.
I probably would not go back to the old house if you don't have to. You have lots of other stuff to do. It would be emotional and your brain would use it as another excuse not to get things done.
i've been out all day today. so no schoolwork and no cupswork. it's 11:50 pm and i just came home a bit ago. i should probably sleep now. i'm just wondering, tomorrow would it be a good idea to work on homework first and then get to cups things? i have lots to do and i'm not sure how to not expect too much out of myself and aim for too much and end up disappointed because there's only so much i can do in one day.
Always start with homework. Cups is a reward. Little bits of homework then little bits of cups. Consider using a timer. 20 minutes homework, 5 minutes cups, then repeat. @exuberantBlackberry9105
my mother just told me that i am extremely uncooperative and that i bring everyone's mood and energy down. it's that the way it is, i am most definitely not needed on earth.
i feel horrible. thoughts, plans everything. it's all back. i badly want to vanish.
i wish i didn't stay up so late last night. it was terrifing. 2 am and dim lights and i look at myself in the mirror and keep staring at my face because i think it resembles a ghost. "is this my own face or the ghost of an old lady who died 50 years ago?" i thought to myself. somehow i am still scared of ghosts, whatever they are, even at this age. what is so wrong with me? do ghosts really even exist? what am i really scared of? and then every shadow i saw seemed to look like some giant monster that will hurt me without killing me. i was scared of my own shadow. i went to bed terrified. obviously didnt sleep well and i'm so tired today and can barely do anything at all.
have i gone insane? whatever has happened i'm sleeping early today even if it means i dont get any work done.
On the first message - you can type half a message in 5 minutes. Then you leave the tab open and go back to it after some studying. But that method isn't for everyone. You did well the other day with studying by just waiting on Cups in general. Do whatever works for you.
You know how wrong your mom is, don't you? There is NO need to conclude from her stupid, angry remarks that you aren't necessary on earth. She really doesn't understand depression and is allowing your pain to bring her down. I keep saying that you are in charge of your own emotions. She is in charge of hers too. If she is allowing herself to become unhappy when you are unhappy, then that's her fault. There is no need to buy into her narrative.
You aren't going insane in being scared of ghosts. I am sorry all of the bad is back. You will be able to fight your way out again. Getting more sleep is a good start to doing that. I think the ghosts are just how your brain imagines all of the bad stuff in your head that you are working so hard to overcome. I read a book a few months ago where the author talked about ghosts in a similar way. It took her time to make the ghost disappear from her dreams. She slowly became more confident in herself. You are doing the same thing.
November 29, but I won't really be celebrating it. It is the day after a major holiday here and we have to go to my mom's all day to help her put up all of her holiday decorations. I am not really looking forward to it at all.
@bestVase7265 lol i cant type half a message in 5 mins and stop to focus on my homework for 25 mins and come back to it later. even if i stop, i will keep thinking of that and won't be able to study well. honestly today i'm struggling to start studying. hopefully i can start soon because i know it'll work out if i just start. now that's hard. i dunno how i managed that day.
i think my mother is right. i do bring others down so i shouldn't be here. and i wont. but i need to live till 29th nov. we'll see after that.
hmm okay. i dunno i just imagine ghosts as dead bodies walking around it's weird and creepy and horrifying. and i felt like i am the ghost when i saw myself that night and imagined many others too. maybe i was hallucinating? i dunno. and it's not like i see ghosts in my dreams, i fear seeing one in real life.
honestly though whenever i imagine a dead body i get scared. and it's all because of that book i wish i never read for that english project, that terrifying sherlock holmes book, remember? it was such a graphic description of dead bodies. i want that picture out of my mind.
last night i started getting ready for bed at 11:50 pm and didnt get into bed until an hour later because i was so terrified and it slowed me down as i just kept watching around. and in fear i had the main light on till 1 am because i didnt want my tiny table lamp to create giant shadows. what the heck is wrong with me?
oh 29th november, i will keep that in mind. i promise there's something little you can look forward to that day. ❤️❤️
part of me wants to have normal proper eyebrows and lashes, the other part cant bear to see them growing and will pull every time it gets better. what do i do? my lashes have been growing and looking so much better and it wasnt even pokey or anything (they had grown pretty long) but i pulled because somehow i cant accept that it actually grew. so i pulled out about 10 hairs in all which isnt too bad and it is still bad.
i hardly got anything done today, like all i wrote in my notebook is 2 sentences. i have no motivation at all. school starts on thursday and i feel so horrible i haven't been doing anything at all. why cant every day be like that sunday when i got so much done?! i'm crying. this feels so bad.