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A place for Vase and Berry

exuberantBlackberry9105 November 5th, 2023

Hi @bestVase7265 This is a place where we can chat with each other. Thank you so much for supporting me, Vase. I'm very grateful and I'm happy to continue our previous conversion here. 😊

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bestVase7265 October 16th

Just keep working at it. Every time you don't pull is a victory. Maybe start thinking about just doing arms and legs. That might get you moving in a direction where you feel better about yourself. 

1 reply
exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 16th

@bestVase7265 it's really hard. a big patch of my eyebrow was growing, and today i just pulled it all out, sadly. somehow i tend to pull more whenever i see it growing. i dunno what to do, but i pulled a lot today and feel bad about it. now i need to give them time to grow all out again. i don't have so much patience to be honest.

i don't want to vent too much right now, but i will just say two things:

my father has absolutely gone insane. i can't take this crap anymore. i really need him out of the house. and he says he's gonna be home tomorrow and the day after. he's going against the wishes of both me and my mother to make some extremely unnecessary, difficult and messy modifications in the house, and i'm so mad at him for it. and it would involve a mess in my room and bathroom. he has gone completely mad.

i skipped school today because i was tired from being in school from 5 pm to 9:30 pm last night. and our evil teachers had to show the papers today when so many kids were absent. my friend messaged me saying i got 64/80 in maths and 39/40 in history and political science. the history part is fine, because i was actually expecting less than that, but the maths... it's really bad. not surprising because i know my paper went bad, but yeah. and did i tell you that last week we got out english papers? 72/80. it's so saddening...

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exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 16th

i am so overwhelmed. this is all too much for me. i don't know what to do, i'm crying.

and what the ***'s wrong with cups forums now?

exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 16th

i'm sorry to say this, but cups feels really overwhelming right now. i might wanna be away for a while. i'll log out now and will be back when i feel ready. i might particularly need time away from forums because the changes that are happening here aren't working well with my brain, but i might still be around in a way. i wish you were a listener and we could talk privately, lol. but i get why you dont want to be one, and it's okay. see you soon. that may or may not be tomorrow. and i will post good moments some day when i feel able to do it.

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bestVase7265 October 19th

Take your time. I am still here. We can just go slow for a bit. As you can see from my other message, I can only do short messages for a while anyway. @exuberantBlackberry9105

1 reply
exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 19th

@bestVase7265 hmm yeah it's okay

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exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 17th

i can't take this anymore. i'm too overwhelmed. i'm hurting. i'm worthless. i'm wasting space. i'm selfish. i don't add anything to the world around me. i'm so done with dealing with the mess in my head, the mess in school and the one at home. it's all too much for me.

i've had enough. i've made up my mind to do it. currently thinking 28th october might be a good day. i'll try to have all the fun i can till then, and then just go. i can't keep and keep on going. the pain is unbearable. just 11 more days and i'm done. that should be enough time to finish up with everything that i gotta do. and surely i'll manage to get my material by then.

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exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 17th

why am i so emotional? why do i have to feel everything so deeply? it just hurts. it really really hurts.

i've been feeling really really too many emotions today. i've felt anger at it's worst today. i tend to throw away whatever's in my hand whenever i get extremely angry. normally i can keep it under control but today i lost it. i threw a small spray bottle all across my room. luckily the door was closed, nobody saw it except me, but yeah. i'm being that little 5 years old myself who used to throw around everything.

i feel so sleepy today in spite of 5.5 hrs of sleep. i've been sleepy all day. i've been feeling so lovely (my friend was absent today) and misunderstood too. i feel so much pain. like emotional pain making me physically tense and uncomfortable.

my parents are making me so miserable today. i hate them both. i so hate by father. i just really want him to get out of the house and go to work. his presence is extremely unwanted, and so is mine. i want to disappearr. my parents don't love me, they don't care about me, they don't want me, they don't need me. but they don't need to worry, i'll be out of here soon. they can just enjoy their lives after that without having to carry the burden of a selfish and rude teenage child.

we had our 'value education' class today and the teacher was discussing conflict resolution and how others can never make us feel any particular emotion. how we all just choose to feel angry or sad or disappointed. really? how stupid and insane would i have to be to choose to feel so bad, to choose to feel the pain, to choose to be depressed? do you really think it's all a choice? i felt so awful in that class and wanted to cry but held it all in.

i know very well that nothing useful is gonna happen in school tomorrow, but i'm going anyways. my mother's kinda encouraging me to stay home, but i don't want to. i hate my parents and i don't want to be home all day with them. if my father were to go to work, i'd happily stay home. but if that horrible man in home, i'm better doing timepass at school. it might provide some distraction from my really bad suicidal thoughts. generally they aren't that bad when i'm in school because i have things going on around me that i can observe, and if my friend is present, she keeps blabbering something and whether it interests me or not, it keeps me distracted from my thoughts. provided she doesn't make fun of me or make jokes related to me. the one thing i hope for is that she doesn't do that tomorrow. if she does, i cant wait till 28th oct, tomorrow is gonna be my deathday.

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exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 18th

what is so wrong with me? why am i like this? why do i have to feel so horrible all the time?

my day was going fine today. until i came home to find my whole room in a mess. dust all over everything. every inch of my room covered in a thick layer of dust. my father had drilled into the wall and the dust flew all over.

i was so angry. i just cleaned the mess of yesterday and now i need to do it all over again. thanks to my wonderful, loving and caring father. I HATE HIM! if i am selfish, that horrid man is 1000 times more selfish than me.

trying to understand him, being kind to him never works out. so i decided i want to give him back what he gave me. i will dirty all his things. his bed, his table, his store room by spreading torn up pieces of newspaper all over. where i went wrong is that i tore up today's newspaper. my mother was so mad at me for that. she slapped me twice and said so much stuff.

"she is studying in class 9. obsessed with cleaning. not studying at all and wasting all her time. what was the point of giving her education? only so she could tear up newspapers?" she said to herself out loud knowing i can hear her. "you will never learn a lesson till the day i die. you won't learn anything till i die. you've grown up too much, right? you don't need me anymore. go find yourself work. live by yourself in a 'clean' house. i can't deal with you anymore."

here's what i think and i so wish i could say this on her face "i feel the need to have everything around me clean because of what *you* taught me. it's *your* fault i can't live in a dirty messy dusty room. oh, and worry not. you don't need to deal with me anymore. i promise. i'll be out of here in 10 days. out of this planet once and for all. you'll never need to see my face again or deal with me. you can enjoy life after that. just bare with me for 10 days. i'll say goodbye soon."

yeah, i did things i shouldn't have. yeah, i was rude. but i apologised. did she? no. i gave her a hug later. did she give me one? no, i had to ask for a hug back and i hate to have to do that. yeah she calmed down and she's been acting fine now. but i will never forget what i heard. i'll keep it in mind when i say goodbye.

by the way, i used to think i have everything i need and have no reason to be depressed. i was wrong there. i don't have everything i need. i don't have parents that make me feel loved and cared for and comforted. that's what i needed. i wished i could some day give that kind of love and care to some child, but i will never live long enough to do that.

nobody understands. nobody cares. nobody loves me or needs me. nobody will have any problems when i'm gone. they can all go about their lives like nothing even happened.

i'm sorry i'm talking like this. i'm sorry i'm being so bad and rude to you. bothering you when you're in a tough situation too. just bare with me for 10 days, i wont bother you like this forever. i just needed to get it out somewhere and found nowhere else to do where anyone would understand a little. i feel incredibly misunderstood right now, i tired talking to someone on cups and it really didn't help, so i came to bother you again. i'm truly sorry.

2 replies
bestVase7265 October 19th

Ok, I have only the energy to read through your stuff quickly this evening. I apologize if I don't make sense or if it feels like I said the wrong thing. I can barely see to type straight because of exhaustion.

But I care enough to make it clear to you that you are worthy, you are cared about, and you are needed here on earth. I am sorry that the suicidal thoughts are so bad at the moment. I understand your anger and frustration at the world and your parents. But don't turn that anger inward okay?

You are doing a good thing in trying to go to school to distract yourself. Keep doing things like that.

Know that I care and I am here. I am not going anywhere. @exuberantBlackberry9105

bestVase7265 October 19th

Avoid setting some kind of deadline. When you do it makes things much more dangerous. You need some professional help. Please call a hotline or text a helpline. @exuberantBlackberry9105

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bestVase7265 October 19th

Ok. so I am not entirely back though I was trying so hard to be. My mom fell on Wednesday and fractured her kneecap. She lives 3 hours away so I am going to have to live with her until she has surgery next week to help. I was already overly exhausted. But the streak of bad luck will have to end sooner or later.

I will try to get on at the end of the day to answer briefly. I apologize that it is taking me so long to get back to normal.

exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 19th

@bestVase7265 i understand you're exhausted. you dont need to do this when you are. you don't need to reply to this if you don't feel well. take your time. i can wait, there's no rush.

don't worry about not making sense, you do make sense. just that i'm having a hard time believing what you said, but that's okay. though i will admit it feels wrong to me to be told "You need some professional help. Please call a hotline or text a helpline." why do you say it when you know that's not something i can do? please please please don't tell me that. it hurts to hear. that's not something i can do, and that's not something i want to do and it's not what i need to hear right now. i hope you understand.

i am worthy, cared about, and needed on earth? i don't believe it. okay, you seem to care about me so i get the being cared about part. but i'm worthy? no, i'm not! i'm needed on earth? no way!

who even needs me? don't tell me you need me, because you don't. you just want me to be here, you don't need it. my parents neither want me, nor do they need me. my teachers don't even notice me and i believe only the maths teacher knows my name well (because he's my class teacher. the rest have taught me for half a year and they still don't know my name to call me by it). my friend in school probably really wants me, but she doesn't need me. last year when she had completely stopped talking to me, she somehow managed to get missed schoolwork from someone else. she can do the same when i'm dead. she'll be fine. she has hurt me so much before, but when she tried to make friends with me again, i let her do it even after how hust and lonely she made me feel. now she can deal with whatever comes when i'm gone.

one person who i think needed me was my previous bench partner. i think it helped him to have me sit next to him because i treated him just like any other person. i uncomplainingly helped him whenever he asked for it. yeah, he was horrible to me in the past and made me feel suicidal, but when he saw that i'm not like everyone else who gave him back that kinda treatment, he changed a lot. but then our places got changed. he's surviving now with his current bench partner, but perhaps i could've made it easier for him if i was there. honestly, i think things were better for him and for me before our places got changed. i felt good sitting there because i felt like i had something useful to do in school, someone to help. when i saw his behaviour change, i felt good about myself because i knew i was doing something good and useful that made a difference, and something that nobody else did. it was something i could remind myself of whenever i felt like a bad person. and when he told me things like how depressed her was or how he wanted to k!ill himself, i could relate and it helped me feel less alone. all of that is gone now. my current bench partner is just an average kid. she doesn't annoy me as such but also really doesn't help in any way.

you know the real reason i wanna d!e? it's not just because of one thing. it's because of the huge combination of things i have going on. it's not just depression because when i'm depressed but overall things are going okay at home, and school, i would never say no to death, but i wouldn't be so suicidal. i was doing relatively fine and managing for quite a bit, but now it's gotten really out of hand with my father having gone insane. it's made everything a mess.

i'm already so depressed and now having to hear everything my parents have to say makes everything so much worse. it hurts. it really really really hurts. if they just say it in the heat of the moment and don't really mean it, i expect them to apologise later. because that's what i try to do when i say things i don't mean, just because i'm angry. if they don't apologise, i interpret it as them really meaning what they say. i belive they try to hide their hatred towards me, but it all comes out when they're angry and the don't try to apologise because they really do mean it.

now, even with the ups and downs in my mood and energy with depression, even with what all that's going on at home, i could make it through if i wanted to. but i don't want to anymore because i don't believe it's worth it. i have no reason to be here, i don't make any positive difference in anyone's life, living feels pointless. i've come to believe that no one really needs me. and no one in real life loves me or cares about me. that's why i don't want to try pushing through all of this anymore. that's why i wanna g!ve up.

oh yeah, and i'm angry and frustrated with my parents. and i cant possibly not turn that anger inward. i'm angry at them for doing this to me and i'm angry at myself for letting it get to me. because apparently nobody else can cause our emotions, right? that's what we're being taught - that we all just choose to be sad, or angry or disappointed. and it hurts, because i believe we willingly choose to feel an emotion. if feeling sad in a choice, why am i so sad and depressed all the time? why would i ever choose to be this way?

yeah i went to school yesterday to distract myself and it helped. i didn't want to go to school today though because it's saturday and i knew we would only have dance practice. it would be pointless to get up at 6 and go to school just for that. and i knew we'd just have to sit idle for most of the time, so nothing to distract me. so i stayed home today and have been watching youtube. in fact, that's the only thing i've been doing today since morning. i woke up, did some 'bad' things to myself, then got ready, ate breakfast, and then just youtube. it's 1:40 pm now. though youtube helps as a distraction or something to help me cry and release some emotions, it makes me feel like i'm just wasting my life and doing nothing. i have to clean up my room, shower, do my homework, and go to buy some important stuff in the evening. i dunno when to do what.

i didn't sleep well last night. went to bed at 12 am which was good, and i feel asleep soon. but i woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall asleep again. okay, it was actually early morning about 5:25 am i just couldn't sleep and my thoughts were too many to count, so i went on my phone. talking to my cups friend who happened to be online helped. and i went back to sleep at around 6:20 am to be woken up finally at 8 am. i feel really tired though despite all the dreamless sleep i did get. i hate it when i wake up at such an hour though it was good that i could chat a little.

it's okay, i get why you cant be fully back yet. i'm really sorry about your mom. it sounds like a really bad, painful fracture. good luck having to deal with it all. i really hope the streak of bad luck ends for yu soon. no need to apologise, i get that you've got a lot going on. *sending hugs and good luck* ❤️❤️❤️

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exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 19th

i've been thinking... how much of my parent's time, effort and money would go down the drain if i were to just d!e? i wish i had done it when i was younger. it feels like it's too late now. but the more i delay it, the more of their money i'd be wasting. at the same time, i don't want to live. there's no point in me living.

thinking of suicide and telling myself that i just have to do this for a few more days helps a lot. it's like whenever i feel bad, i tell myself that it'll all be over soon and it helps. the idea of not dying and having to do thousands of more days of this life scares me.

and again if i try to k!ill myself, all the time and money my parents have spent for me will be all wasted. they're gonna say "i did all this just to have her die of suicide?" i'm just so... confused and dunno what to do. right now i'm waiting for the gift of death in some other form - heart attack, accident, natural disaster, murder, whatever. someone, please come k!ll me, i want to be k!lled. i just want to d!e somehow, however. please, i want to goooo.

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exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 20th

hey ive been feeling a bit better today. ive been less suicidal.

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bestVase7265 October 21st

I am very happy for this. I know that it comes in waves that can be really hard to fight. You can overcome this hump and move forward. You are slowly getting stronger. It is just really hard to tell from your angle. @exuberantBlackberry9105

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exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 21st

@bestVase7265 sadly it's all back again. i just woke up and i feel like it yet again. and i had a really bad nightmare.

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bestVase7265 October 27th

These are very dangerous thoughts here. You are not a waste of money or love. You are needed here. You have love to give. Start by giving it on 7 Cups to other people. Those other people need your kindness. The world needs your kindness.@exuberantBlackberry9105

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exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 27th

@bestVase7265 i am a waste of money. i'm wasting my parents' money. if i die, i will waste it too because they spent so much on my only to have me die young. and i am a waste of love. i dunno about wasting my parents' love because they hardly gave me any but i'm a waste of the love and care you show me. i don't really deserve it. and i am not needed here.

yeah i think i have love to give. but i don't know if i give it the right way. also, am i not supposed to give it to my parents first? how can i hate them so much? i'm supposed to love them first of all. i wish i could just love them but i cant. at this age, i wish i could give my love to some real life friend, or a cat, or some little kid in my life. but i don't have any true real life friends, i wont be able have any pets, especially no cats, (because my mother is against the whole idea of pets in an apartment, and my father hate cats like anything and believes cats are useless creatures who shouldn't even exist) and i don't think i can play with the kids around me, i can just watch them from my window.

yeah i can give it so people on cups but i wish i could give it some someone in real life, you know. but i cant so i dunno what to do. and you know i can be kind to some particular person but that doesn't make me a kind person because i'm not kind to everyone. i'm often not kind after all you do for me and i am almost never kind to my parents that's such a bad thing for me to do. so after all, i am a bad person. even if i want to help others and love others, of that use is that if i cant give even a minimal amount of love or kindness to my own parents who i see every day? i'd be happy even if i could give it to anyone else in real life, but just on cups, it doesn't feel enough.

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bestVase7265 October 21st

I am afraid that I will continue to urge you to find a professional to talk to online or elsewhere any time that you mention a specific date or method regarding taking your own life. That is when your life is in danger. I would do the same thing in insisting you go to the hospital if you were having chest pain. My job in part is just to keep you alive. I know that you get shocked and are in pain when I write it, but those are to force your brain to recognize the danger that you are in. Getting specialized care is something that you can do but it takes extreme amounts of courage. You deserve to feel better.

Your brain is lying to you about not being worthy or needed and you keep listening to the lies. It is hard not to, but professionals can help you see a better path. It is the part of the equation that I cannot do for you. You have to learn to believe in your value yourself. It starts by trusting that other outsiders like me could just be right about how wonderful you are. You don't have to believe it yet. You just have to trust that there are others who indeed see you as valuable.  I wouldn't come on here to try and help you to waste my own time.

You did have a good time with your previous bench partner because you could see the help working. It is harder with your new bench partner, but I can guarantee that she needs support to. You just have to look harder into your conversations to find where her insecurities are. We can all help one another with those.

Ok, I got through about half of this message. Because I am dealing with so much at the moment, I am working to limit my own stress. I will be back again tomorrow if I can manage. it. @exuberantBlackberry9105

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exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 21st

@bestVase7265 hey, relax, don't worry so much about me. please don't add me to the tons of stuff you're dealing with. i'm here, i'm alive and i will be for at least a few more weeks (i figured i need to live at least till my diwali holidays end, so 28th oct would be a bad date). so please don't worry.

the thoughts won't go away, but i wont act on them right now, so i'm here and will be. you can stop worrying. my life isn't in danger.

but can i please ask you, what do you mean by "find a professional to talk to online or elsewhere"? how do you expect me to do it? you say you know i don't like hearing it, so why do you say it? please please don't say it, i beg you. i don't want to hear it. it hurts. pleaseeeee don't say it. i cant get professional help and you seem to imply that i will never get better without it, that brings such a sense of hopelessness over me. if that's the way it works, i'd rather just vanish. by the way, you just said it takes extreme amounts of courage, and you know i don't have that.

okay so my brain is lying, but where's the proof? seriously, you think i'm wonderful?! alright, can you explain why? maybe then my brain would be more willing to trust that.

umm no. my current bench partner does not need my support. she has her own friends. she doesn't even talk to me much. i don't see how i can help her if she wont talk to me or anything. and she has others to help her, she doesn't need me.

i want to make myself useful. help someone somehow. i dunno how though. maybe i can help out around cups? what do you think? i also gotta do my homework though.

my diwali holidays start on 26th october. i have loads to do and i need to figure out how. i need to complete by books and also study...

oh, take your time, no rush to reply. i know you have a lot going on.

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bestVase7265 October 27th

Sorry that it still took me an extra day to reply. Unless something else happens I am hoping to slowly start to get caught up on things. You are my focus this evening.

@exuberantBlackberry9105

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exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 27th

@bestVase7265 no need to be sorry. you have so much going on and you still replied to my so many posts, like how do you even do it? so please don't say sorry.

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bestVase7265 October 27th

I want you to be around a heck of a lot longer than a few weeks. I know that the thoughts aren't going to go away easily, but do whatever you can to avoid dates.

I keep saying professional help because I know from experience that is what you need. You deserve to feel better. When things get rough for you, I will suggest it to remind you that it is an option. I am talking about finding a help line or someone to talk to online without your parents knowing necessarily. Those do exist. Healing does exist. One thing that happens when you go down in the hole that deep is you think you don't have options. Your brain is very clearly lying to you there. The choices are really tough and involve being really brave, but you can always make those choices. Life or death, you need to choose life and the best life possible is one where you can talk to someone and possibly get some medication.

You do have courage and bravery. Where do I see it? In you living in spite of all that is going on around you. All that courage and bravery are is based in actions. It isn't not feeling scared or overwhelmed. It is doing something in spite of that overwhelmed feeling. You do that every day. It is one of the reasons that I know you are wonderful. You also want to help other people, even if it is just on Cups (that is awesome by the way - it has really helped me). That is another way I can prove to you that you are awesome and your brain is lying. @exuberantBlackberry9105

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exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 27th

@bestVase7265 i know you want me around but i don't want to be around so i'll tell myself i just have to do a few more weeks of this life.

professional help is an option? how so? i don't think it is. finding a helpline or someone to talk to without my parents knowing? those exist?

about helplines, you know i cant call one, my phone doesn't have a sim so i cant make any calls. i cant use my mother's phone to call a helpline obviously. when she's not home, she leaves this one phone at home but it has very bad connection and only whatsapp calls work on it and i cant whatsapp call a helpline, can i?

you mean to ask me to email helplines? i've done that so many times before only to receive uncaring responses days later. those people don't understand. there's no element of friendliness when they respond to you. and that don't really talk much about the suicide element, they just kinda try to get to know your problems and i dunno what they do next because i've never talked long enough to any of them to know (i just stopped responding after a few emails because they didn't seem to understand and their emails didn't help me). plus, with them you need to explain your whole story from the beginning and they just don't know you.

why should i do all that when i have people on cups like you who understand me and know me better than those people? you and some others on cups have already gotten to know me and they understand better. you all sound so much friendlier and caring than those people behind those helpline emails. and this way too i have people to talk to without my parents knowing in any way.

do you get what i mean? you sound like you care when you talk to me. those people don't. if you decide to never reply to them, it makes no difference to them whereas i might make you worried if i suddenly stop saying anything for weeks.

"the best life possible is one where you can talk to someone and possibly get some medication." that's not happening anytime soon.

okay, point noted - i see why you think of me as brave and wonderful. i know you and i trust you and i love you but i cant believe what you said, unfortunately. why would doing things in spite of feeling overwhelmed make me brave and courageous and wonderful?

yes, i want to help other people. you think that makes me awesome. but of what use is it to want to help others, if i treat my own parents so horribly and don't help them? that makes me a bad person. i should first help my family, then myself, then any other people. currently my desire to help others is in the complete opposite order and that's really making me a bad person if i don't help my own parents.

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bestVase7265 October 28th

I am probably only going to be able to get to just this message tonight, but I will try to answer it completely.

Yes, of course there are helplines where your parents won't know they exist. There are even spots where you can just text messages rather than talking to someone.

My point is that there is more than 7 Cups that is more professional. 7 Cups is pretty clear for forum supporters and others that have training that we are supposed to cut off contact and send you to a professional if someone has a plan to commit something bad. I am not going to do that to you, but I do have a flag button that I am supposed to hit.

That is because professionals are highly trained to make sure that you stay alive just like a doctor would if you got hit by a car. With 7 Cups you are just dealing with people who can easily say the wrong thing and send you off in an even worse direction. Even I could do that.

I know it is hard to reach out to someone you don't know to talk about these things, especially a professional. I have had to start with someone new (either a doctor, psychologist, or psychiatrist) at least 10 times, probably more. That meant starting from scratch and trusting someone every single time. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't because our personalities didn't mesh. But I always knew that trying again was much better than doing it on my own. And I eventually found good people to work with.

So if things get bad again, do consider those people that you contacted before and search on the internet for new ones, okay? It is better than doing nothing.

It is okay if you don't believe you are brave or wonderful right now. One of the best things that my sister-in-law said when she was supporting me was that she was going to hold onto the hope for me and that she was going to be believe that I was wonderful even if I couldn't. All I had to do was believe that someone else thought that about me. I am asking you to do the same.

It is actually often better to start with helping others rather than your own family first. You are too close to them and you have hurt each other too much. Strangers help strangers better lots of times. That is also why outside professionals can help you more too. @exuberantBlackberry9105

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exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 28th

@bestVase7265 thank you for not doing that to me. i really appreciate it. i know it's 7 cups rules but from what i have seen, i don't think it really helps to just stop talking to someone because they mention suicide, it can be really hurtful, at least it has been for me when people have done that. like completely cutting off contact when you're feeling horrible and leaving you with helpline phone numbers and never even checking in again or something. that can hurt. a lot. anyway anyway, i appreciate you not doing that to me.

on cups people can easily say the wrong thing? i dunno, the people i talk to right now are all helpful in this regard and i don't usually share these things with someone that i don't know well enough to trust. so it's nice. even you could do that? no, i know you wouldn't.

okay, i see. but you knew that trying again was better for you than dealing with it yourself. me? i'm tired of trying. i'm tired of everything. i don't want to go explain everything now to someone who wont understand.

i don't really want to contact those helplines by email again or find new ones. i remember one where they told me "people own their lives" and there was some context to it but the way i saw it, it was like they made me realise that this is my life and i can do whatever i want with it.

and would you believe there are helplines who respond to their emails 3 months later? yeah, right. that happened to me once. it makes no sense because a suicidal person could be dead by then. i'm a suicidal person who's been living with these thoughts for over 3 years, but i'm sure not everyone does for that long, what was the helpline even thing?

but yeah, i do remember one helpline that seemed nice. the story of how i came to know of it is kinda funny too. i saw an advertisement of it one day on the way home from school and came home and searched it up and reached out.

okay, you believe i'm brave and wonderful. you're allowed to believe whatever you want but i don't believe anyone could ever see me as brave and wonderful. but forget it.

"It is actually often better to start with helping others rather than your own family first. You are too close to them and you have hurt each other too much. Strangers help strangers better lots of times." woah, what the heck?! fine then, i've been looking over forums on cups a bit and also doing more than usual work as part of the peer appreciation team. i feel good doing it honestly. but it still feels weird to not help my family and help random people i don't even know.

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exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 22nd

hey, i need to share a little something. every day for the past 6 days, i've gone to bed before 12:30 am yay, i think that's quite an achievement. *but* i don't see any results. i'm still tired and sleepy after all the sleep i've been getting.

i slept for about 5 hours 45 mins and i feel like i would have slept just 3 hours or something. i woke up and was so sleepy i fell back asleep. my legs hurt like they do when i haven't slept, and i have been ultra sleepy all day. i fell asleep in the bus on the way to school and on the way home. almost feel asleep when my mother was teaching me maths. i can't do my homework because i'm so sleepy. and last night i don't even remember having any dreams/nightmares or waking up in the middle of the night or tossing and turning.

my sleepiness now is worse than it is when i sleep less. if this is the way it'll work, why should i take the effort to go to bed early? or will it just take time to help?

i feel like something is seriously wrong with me. maybe i just need to be patient for the sleep to really help? but is 6 days not enough? what the heck's going on with me? my mother looked at the sleepy me when she was teaching and said she thinks something is wrong with my body.

7 replies
exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 23rd

last night i broke my 6 days early to bed streak. i mean, i was in bed before 12:30 am but i was using my phone till 12:50 am because i just felt too angry to try to sleep. my mother peeked into my curtain after i was in bed but the light was on (so she probably saw me) to say "good night, sweet dream". i don't want her "good night sweet dreams", why'd she have to do that? it made me so mad so after she went, i was just cupsing till i felt calmer and distracted sort of thing. so yeah, since i didn't have morning school today, i got about 7 hours of sleep. i've been mostly awake today but don't really have much energy.

we had our annual day today. i think i really messed up. but my parents say it was good, so i dunno. i hope i didn't dance too badly. i was in school past 9 pm and then came home, had dinner, and here i am at 11 pm so exhausted. i'll give up on my homework plans for today, i honestly couldn't do much in the morning. but i cant do anything now either. so i'll go sleep. i'm going to school tomorrow morning.

3 replies
bestVase7265 October 27th

Why can't your mom say good night to you? Allowing yourself to get angry about something so simple (and yes you have a choice on the anger front) just makes things harder for you emotionally.  Save that anger for when she does something truly hurtful. @exuberantBlackberry9105

2 replies
exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 27th

@bestVase7265 she can say good night but she cant peek into my room like that without saying anything beforehand to wish me good night. because i don't want her to. i don't need her "good night sweet dreams". once i've told her good night and come to my room, i don't want to hear a word from her until the next morning. it makes me angry to hear anything from her after that point. i just don't like it. also, it was fine if i just had to hear her good night, why'd she have to peek in like that?

1 reply
bestVase7265 October 29th

She does that because she is concerned about you. She doesn't see it as invading your space because it is just for a second.

I know that she surprised you, but I really would focus on other things where she actually is doing stuff out of anger for you to get frustrated with. The best you can let the small stuff be small stuff in order that you don't get overwhelmed. @exuberantBlackberry9105

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bestVase7265 October 27th

I would still go to bed early when you can. The reason that you are sleepy is the depression hitting so hard. It makes your brain run slower. But you will get through this bout of sleepiness and find a way forward. The rest also helps the time past faster at a minimum. It is better than having bad thoughts all day. @exuberantBlackberry9105

2 replies
exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 27th

@bestVase7265 yeah, i'm trying to do that. not because i want to fix my sleep schedule and stuff but because i don't want to feel this pain for any longer than i need to. so i'll try to sleep by 12 am or 12:30 am unless i have something keeping me busy.

by the way, exercise and sunlight is supposed to help you sleep better, right? yesterday i got so much exercise while climbing about 350 stairs and i was out in the sun all day and i still had bad nightmares. what's going on?

1 reply
bestVase7265 October 29th

Exercise and sunlight do help a great deal normally, but they need to be part of a regular routine. Your brain is also in full mental health crisis mode at the moment. It is going to give you nightmares sometimes no matter what you do during the day because it is trying to find peace. @exuberantBlackberry9105

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bestVase7265 October 25th

I am going to try to get to these tomorrow night. This message is just to let you know that I am okay. The situation with my own mom after the hurricanes has drained me completely and it will take a few days to get back on my feet. I am finally back home which should help. 

4 replies
exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 25th

@bestVase7265 thank you so much for coming here to let me know that you're okay. i was getting worried about you. it's okay, i understand, and feel free to take your time. i'm glad you're back home, and i really hope that it helps. how's your mom doing by the way? and were you able to take a break from teaching because of what's been happening?

i don't wanna bother you but i really need to share a bit right now. i'll try to keep it short. so i've been really irritable these past few days. and it's so hard. i think the reason this is happening is because of the humidity, it's so so dry. the air feels so dry and dusty, my lips are dry and so is my skin. it feels uncomfortable and annoys me a lot - the low humidity is one thing i really hate about winter. so now when i'm physically being annoyed by the dryness, everything else easily annoys me. plus my hair isn't being good to me so it's really bad.

and my mother isn't being particularly good either. i don't like the way she's been talking. and i'm so easily annoyed by the things she's doing. i don't know what to do right now. i don't want to talk to her. i just want to be alone but she wont leave me alone. and she's scolding me about how i should be doing that whatever eft thing she wants me to do every night because she cant deal with my irritability starting right from the morning. hearing that just make me want to gooooooo. and today morning at 11 am she also came to teach me maths which disrupted my plans for today. now she wants me to practice some more maths today, and i really don't want to do maths today. it's not part of what all i wanted to get done today. and she's also asking details of all the work i have left to do, and i just don't want her to know because then she'll keep insisting i do it and pressuring me and all. I HATE MATHS! i don't want to do it! and i have a headache today so i don't want to do anything and that stupid woman wants me to do maths. i am so done with all this. why won't she just leave me alone? she's so annoying. every day she'll teach me maths for 1 hour to 1.5 hours and after that she wants me to solve at least 2-3 questions. i just hate all of this. i don't want maths to exist in my life! "get lost you silly maths, i hate you! get the helll out of my life!"

and my diwali holidays have practically started. i want to get all my work done during this time and catch up with everything and stuff. if you have any suggestions for how to actually get myself to do it all and study, please let me know. i want to be sleeping on time, spending time helping on cups, completing all my notebooks, studying all the things i haven't studied or understood, have my mother explain to me the stuff she hasn't explained before, and i also want to go on two trips and watch a movie and have fun.

3 replies
bestVase7265 October 27th

I was not able to take any breaks from teaching while all of this was happening. I continued to teach my students online, even while my mom was in the middle of her surgery and after she came home and couldn't get up out of bed really. So it was very stressful moving back and forth between the teaching and doing tasks like tying her shoes, moving her brace, sorting her medications, getting her food, etc. It has been unbelievably stressful and I have been about as sick with my own mental illness as I have been in several years. A month of raw trauma will do that.

So I am trying to give myself a little space now to get mini rests because she has professional care for this coming week. After that she will go home and hopefully be okay on her own. We will see. She is still convinced that she can do anything she wants which is quite dangerous because she doesn't have a lot of strength right now and is in pain. But at least until she goes back to her house on Tuesday, I can focus on my teaching. Regular classes finally start again this week after a month online due to all of the storm damage. So I can't go back to help my mom easily.

I can understand being easily annoyed. I am easily annoyed at the moment too. But I know that it doesn't help me because then I can't sleep and I yell. So I try really hard to bring myself a sense of calm as often as I can. 

So how much longer do you have to take this version of maths? If you take a more arts/humanities focus (I can't remember what you called it), do you take less math next year at least? Maybe that is something you can start to look forward to.

I hope that the Diwali holidays help you get some peace and doing more of the kind of things that you want to be doing. @exuberantBlackberry9105

2 replies
exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 27th

@bestVase7265 oh dear it all sounds horrible for you. how're you even getting through with all this stress? and think i'm adding to your stress? i'm sorry.

that looks like a really complicated mess. you shared so much with my and i'm sorry i cant say much, but i'm wishing you all the best. (i know this is not helping, but that's sadly all i have, i'm sorry). *hugs tightly* i hope regular classes go well for you. do you look forward to them? 

i know but it's really hard to calm down when i get annoyed. especially if she does it repeatedly.

i have to do this version of maths for all the while that i do it. that should be till march 2026 when i'll probably have my board exams and then be done with 10th grade. no, even if i want to take arts/humanities stream (either of those terms work, it's the same thing, different people just call it different things), i cant take any 'less' maths next year. but if i take arts, i will get to take no maths at all starting in 11th grade, and i sure look forward to that. i look forward to 11th grade in general because then i'll be out of this school of mine and be somewhere else with hopefully better teachers.

though i can't take 'less' maths next year, i can choose between basic maths and standard maths. the syllabus will be the same, the teachers and class will be the same. even the exams will be the same for most of the years. only the board exam paper and the paper for prelim-2 (last school exam) will be different. and the paper for basic maths is supposed to be easier and more scoring so that people who are weak in maths but good in other subjects can take it and maths doesn't bring their total score down. that holds true for me, because i'm relatively good in all other subjects but do horribly in maths. but the thing is, even if i take basic maths, i will still have to study it well and study the same things as everyone else.

now, whether or not i actually take basic maths is a question. if i take it, everyone will know and perhaps make fun of me. maybe the teachers will be against it. maybe my parents will be against it. my mother might support it, but i dunno about my father. he thinks maths is easy and expects me to be good at it.

okay, yeah, but how do i actually use my diwali holidays to get things done? on friday i was home but not feeling good and didn't do much. yesterday i was out all day and was exhausted when i came home.

today i've had a really bad day and been in bed for most of my day. i woke up at 8 am, got up and closed my door, then pretty much laid around till 9 am because i just didn't want to get up and do anything and was in so much pain (emotional pain getting converted into physical discomfort). then i got up and did my things, pulled out by eyebrows, had breakfast. then told my mother that i'm feeling unwell though i provided zero explanation as to what's going on, and said that i wanted to sleep. she let me, so i got on my bed at 10:30 am. but i was into much pain to sleep so i went on my phone and read some stuff that was kinda comforting. i read your messages too but was feeling too horrible to reply. then i went to sleep at 11:10 am i think. my mother woke me up at 11:53 am and asked me to go shower. so i closed my room door but i wanted to sleep more so i slept on. it was kinda on and off sleeping till 1 pm. then i got up and showered and had lunch (when i heard hurtful stuff again and also it was really hard to eat but i didn't have a choice). since then i've been sitting at my desk watching youtube and stuff. then at 5:15 pm my parents asked me to get ready to go out but i said i didn't want to go, so i'm alone at home and have been doing timepass. watched some youtube and stuff and cupsing. it's 7:23 pm. i haven't done anything today. i haven't even done my cups work. should probably go do it soon as i wanna go to bed early and get some sleep. at least the pain felt when i'm asleep.

1 reply
bestVase7265 October 29th

So I started teaching again today. I do enjoy being in the classroom back with my students. But I am pretty tired. I kept falling asleep in my office which is quite warm at the moment and has a bit of mold that I am sorting out. But overall the day was okay.

I am glad that you can take the slightly easier maths starting next year. What other people say about that is pretty irrelevant. It isn't something you are interested in and it causes you stress. Whether or not you are "good" at it doesn't matter at that point. You are focusing on the things that you can build a life around rather than something you hate. So that is a win even if you have to so some of it for another year and a half. You will get through it because you are making good choices for you.

You can now just start to gently get yourself back in gear with studying during your holidays. That way you won't stress yourself out at the end of he holidays. @exuberantBlackberry9105

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exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 26th

a long vent, no need to read but i need to get it out of my head.

my parents and i went on a trip today to a historic fort. we were supposed to leave at 10:30 am but we ended up leaving at 11:30 am and apparently it was all my fault, so my mother was really mad at me. now because we didn't leave on time, we'd have to be out in the afternoon sun which makes my mother sick. so while she felt unwell in the car on the way there, so she was kinda sleeping. and because my parents wouldn't talk to me to keep me engaged, and i was in 5 hrs of sleep, i drifted off too in the car on the way there, and no one noticed. generally, when i'm very silent in the car my father asks me what i'm doing or something. when i woke up my mother was awake and talking to my father and no one paid attention to me sleeping on the way to the place. no one saw me wake up, no one said anything, as if i'm almost invisible. i'm sure that just like this, they day i finally drift off to sleep forever, no one will really notice or care. that hurts to think of. i sat in the car in that pain.

when we got there and got to climbing the some 350 steps up the fort, my mother just left me with my father because i was pausing too much to take plant pics and she when on and we didn't catch up with her until a lot later. the view getting up there was sure amazing. but with it was another amazing thing: the opportunity to die. when we got up the top of the fort, we explored the place a bit. saw the steep slopes of the mountain and you know what i thought of, so i won't mention it. yeah, the view was beautiful. but the pain and the thoughts never go away, you know? i wanted to do it. i wanted to do it really bad. there weren't even any railings in a lot of places, so all it takes is a simple jump. i knew i was at a height, i knew the slope was steep, i knew my parents weren't watching, so what stopped me? i have no idea. somehow i just didn't do it. and i regret it. i wish i had done it. if it didn't work, i could just say i fell off, right? especially if there weren't any railings.

but i didn't do anything at all. i am home now. wish i would be lying dead now but i'm alive. i can't do anything at home just yet, so i guess i'll just exist. i am so mad at myself for not doing it. it would have been so easy. i could have found peace. anyway it's not like i matter or many any difference being on earth. oh, and after we came home, my parents were discussing stuff about the security guards up there and how they even ensure that everyone's out of the place by 5 pm and nobody stays there at night, like what if someone hides there at night and commits suicide. so if even my parents can discuss that, surely a fall from there would have been fatal. WHY ON EARTH DID I NOT DO IT? WHY AM I STILL HERE ON THIS PLANET? i don't want to be here. i just don't. but what can i do now? i got a folded opportunity and i wasted it. nothing i can do about it now.

it's 10:48 pm right now. i'm tired and sleepy. last night i got 5 hrs of sleep. had to wake up at 7:30 am today. climbed about 350 steps and climbed back down. i'll do some stuff and then sleep now, i have no energy to do anything better.

4 replies
exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 26th

oh, and i meant about 350 stairs. the fort had about 350 stairs is what i heard. plus the repeated climbing up and down i had to do to help my parents.

bestVase7265 October 27th

Ok, just because your parents were talking while you slept doesn't mean that they didn't see you or didn't want you there. They just wanted to give you a time to rest which you needed. Focus on the fact that you got some sleep rather than what people were doing around you while you slept. Your brain is lying to you again there.

You need to keep working to get the suicidal ideation more under control. I am not going to say again what I know upsets you, but take those warnings that I gave before seriously. You are risking your precious life and you should not be.

Focus on the view and the plants. Those are the only things that matter from that moment. @exuberantBlackberry9105

2 replies
exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 27th

@bestVase7265 but that's not how parents usually act. they usually ask something, even if i sleep on the ride home. but i slept on the ride to the fort and they still didn't say anything? it does mean that they didn't see me or want me there. they cant possibly want to give me time to rest, they never do that.

how do i get the suicidal thoughts under control? they just wont go away. but i do know that if i jumped yesterday, i would have died. but now at home there's nothing i can do to die. right now i'm alone at home because my parents have gone to a dishwasher store to select what to buy, and i didn't want to go and asked to stay home. and i've been feeling really, really horrible today so obviously i went looking for things. but the rope i found is too thin. so i figured i shouldn't do anything and put it back where it was kept. the worst thing i want to end up with is some neck or head injuries, so i'm not doing anything until i find something that i know for sure will work. but the thoughts wont go away.

aww thank you for not saying what you know upsets me. i really appreciate it, it means so much to me and i felt good reading that. i actually cried reading that (not exactly happy tears but yeah, good tears). thanks a lot, i'm glad you finally understood me. and feeling understood helps a lot with the pain i feel.

but my life isn't precious. no, it isn't. my life is anything but precious. i don't want this life and i never will.

1 reply
bestVase7265 October 29th

Don't overanalyze everything your parents do. It will make you crazy. They were just giving you some rest time even though they don't normally do that. People change their patterns. They weren't saying anything about how they felt about you. Overanalyzing it to put yourself down more only hurts you.

Ok, I am going to be harsh now but in a different way. To get to the point where you are making plans is unbelievably dangerous. You know that most people who make an attempt fail, correct? What would possibly be worse than how you feel right now? Attempting something and ending up permanently disabled and in a wheelchair. Then you would be unable to ever do anything either positive or negative. Your parents would have to care for you so you would never have them out of your life. You would make the temporary bad of being a teenager permanent.

How do you stop with the bad ideation? Find something else to do as soon as it starts. Don't sit there. Do homework, watch something. Get outside. Meditate. Force yourself to stop.

It is really hard. I have been there. But you can do it. @exuberantBlackberry9105

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exuberantBlackberry9105 OP October 27th

my eyebrows that took months worth of effort to grow are now all out. yeah, just like that in just about 10 mins. i pulled, i pulled so much.

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yeah, that's how much i pulled. i never pull this much in one go. i dont know what happened to me today.

i dont know what to do anymore. you can imagine the eyebrows i have left after all that pulling. it's too much to hide. my mother will notice and scold me about it. i just made myself look so ugly.

what do i do now? this will take so long to grow again. just what do i do? i'm so ugly.

1 reply
bestVase7265 October 29th

You are struggling. Give yourself grace. There is only one solution. Make a new resolution to not do it tomorrow.

The month that you didn't do it was a victory. So you try to go for a little longer than that next time. Your mom scolding you doesn't do the damage that you do to yourself by beating yourself up emotionally. @exuberantBlackberry9105

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